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Can somebody help me please - how do I make them understand???(576 Posts)
I have been with my DH for 12 years, married for 7 and we have two beautiful children, DS 7 and DD 4. DH is a wonderful dad and a good husband, problem is that for the last year or so I have just drifted apart from him, to the point I am just so unhappy, we have finally separated.
This has only been since last week, and we are slowly starting to tell friends and family. The problem is I feel like I am beign ganged up on, no-one really understands how I feel and that I need to do whats best, which in everyone elses view is patch things up with DH for the sake of the kids! But thats the problem, I have been "patching" for the last year, now I just feel like I am barely surviving day to day.
Since having DS, I have worked evenings. I am fortunate that I have a good job which enabled me to continue my career, but working in the evenings, 5-11pm. DH works days 7am to 4pm, which meant we have never needed additional childcare. But also meant that we had very little time together. I have always tried to do the lions share of stuff at home, maybe a couple of times a week he will need to cook for DC, but apart from that I do everything, and then I go to work. My day starts at 6am and finishes about 12.30am when I crawl into bed.
For the last 4 months or so, everything has just gotten on top of me. Growing up, my parents had an unhappy marriage, splitting up on numerous occasions, my DF being always at work, my DM being the primary care provider. My DM made sacrifices for her own happiness, and they stayed together and are companions for each other in their retirement. But I watched this growing up, and can now see my life heading in the same direction. I have tried to talk to my mum about my feelings, but she is of the view that I should stay put, that I could never do any better, a companion is better than a partner and to "think of the children". I can see having a companion works for her, she is 65 - I am 38?
But that is my problem - I am doing this for my babies. For the last 4-6 months they are picking up on my unhappiness. DS is at school all day, but DD is home for 3 days a week - I spend whole days crying, with her drying my tears, telling me she loves me and it will be OK. Thats surely not healthy for her?? My DS has a nervous thing he does with his eyes, which he cannot seem to stop. I feel like I am being a terrible mum, I need to be happy, surely if I'm happy I will be a better mum?
Together as a family, the DC continually fight and argue, fighting for my attention and love.
So, I have broken DH's heart by asking for a separation. This was last Friday. He stayed at his mums for the weekend but came back every day. Every time he left, I felt a great sense of relief, the DC calmed down, played together great, and we had fun. Thats sounds awful I know. The minute he walks back through the door, I am uncomfortable, it is back to square one with the fighting and arguing. For the first time ever, he took them to the park at the weekend on his own, they loved it.
I am just so unhappy, and I feel I am being pushed into a corner. I have had some really dark days during the last few months, I have been drinking a ridiculous amount of alcohol. This past few days have been so tough, I know he doesn't understand, but I feel relief that he now knows at least, and I haven't even felt the need for a drop of alcohol.
I have made an appointment to see a Relate counsellor next week on my own, although don't really know what to expect. I just want to sit down and talk to someone who doesn't know me, or how great DH is.
I just feel drained. I am continually trying to explain that I am just so unhappy, that it is reflecting on the DC, and that I feel to be the best mum I can, I need to be happy, and if that means being apart from DH, then so be it.
Sorry - long and rambling, but needed to get this out of my head. I feel terrible for breaking the heart of a good man - but I have one life, don't I owe it to myself to make the very best of it for me and my DC? I love my DH, but more as a brother. We just returned from a 10 day holiday together, I had hoped the time together would help - but I felt like I was away with a stranger
So opinions please - am I doing the right thing?
Fingers crossed that the house sale will all go through smoothly. And hope that this is the final hue for you.
So contracts exchanged, new rental confirmed, get the keys Friday, and complete on Monday
Well done you're getting there
Emotional day ahead tomorrow. I pick up the keys to the new house tomorrow morning, DCs have day off for teacher training, so we'll potter about and do stuff. Been ordering some new bits for it - DD has new bunk beds, they both have new bedding, I need to find something for DS, any ideas?? I've ordered a new TV with freeview, since I've cancelled Sky, a new TV unit, some new towels and 2 gaming chairs for the DC.
I also finish my job tomorrow, 10 years so I'm going to be sad, 8 years of working evenings, that ultimately ruined my marriage, but I have a week off to get settled with the DC, and then start my new job on Monday 7th October.
Had a text from DM the other day but saying she loved me and let me know what I'm doing when I've moved. H and I are actually getting on OK at the moment. I think because there is no pressure to make it work or be civil, we are getting along. He seems resigned to the fact now that it is happening, he has asked a couple of times if I'll ever give it another go, I've just been honest and said we should build on the relationships with the DC.
If ever I could do with a glass of wine and a hug, its now!!
Good luck with your day OTM!
It sounds exciting, what a long way you've come
Boxes everywhere, but DCs have been fed, we're in pjs and I have a glass of wine in hand
That sounds really good. :-)
I hope you're settling in well now.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Sorry added msg instead of starting a new thread. Ill get it removed.
FFS h had the DC for their first sleepover last night. I spent the evening building a tv unit - only to find H had left the kids with his mother to, not only spy on me, but to barge his way into my home to search for any "visitors" I may have?! Hope he was disappointed to find my only company was with a Philips screwdriver, bottle of wine and a Chinese takeaway
Ha! He's lucky he didn't get the screwdriver somewhere uncomfortable. "Sorry officer, I thought he was a burglar, honest."
So my first week in my new job is nearly over!
Its been an interesting week. H got sacked from his job last weekend (he says he resigned, but I know he wasn't). So, I've been dropping the DC to him first thing, and hes been taking them to school, and collecting them from after school club at 5pm, and I've picked them up from him at 7pm. They have been exhausted but so much more animated as they are enjoying the after school club and activities. I/m looking forward to spending my weekend with them - I have loads planned for us
My new job is great! My new boss (partner in a US law firm) is really looking for me to ultimately become Group Manager, and not just his PA. I have my own assistant and a growing list of client PAs I need to take out for lunch and become acquainted with. I really think this job will do me good and I am looking forward to it.
Evenings are great. I really thought I would find it lonely, but DD has been going straight to bed when we get home, DS stays up til about 8. When they are in bed, i throw my dinner in the oven, run around sorting washing, doing any ironing and getting sorted for the next morning. Then I collapse in a heap in front of the TV with dinner and a glass of wine.
Heard nothing from DM, although I know she is still talking to H. Counselling tomorrow at 12, not sure I'll go much longer?
Just laughed out loud at XH bursting in on you!! What a tit.
Just wanted to say, you're doing really, really well
Survived week 2 in the job - am amazed how quickly the days go! Tomorrow trip to ikea to buy furniture for kids room so we can finally clear the boxes from their room!
So H and DC had dinner with my parents this week - still no contact with me, although the kids came home with a message of "love" for me
I really thought I would feel lonely, but I don't really have time to think about it if I'm honest, so that's a good thing, right?
I've been invited out for dinner by a friend - as a date?! It's too soon but we'll see later on, maybe he'll ask again
Why why why do I never learn???
I text my DM last night, thought I'd extend the olive branch one last time. I asked her if she would like to come and see the DC and their new home. I got the response that "Maybe soon. I am uncomfortable around you, when the children ask why nanny broke mummy's heart"!
I said not to worry, H was planning to visit and that yes, she had broken my heart. To which I got told to "Get real. Take responsibility for your actions. The past is gone. Stop blaming others to ease your own guilt. We have our own problems thank you. I hope you are happy now."
I spent the whole train journey home crying. I think realistically its made me realise that we can have no relationship, certainly not for the foreseeable future. But what makes it worse is knowing H is there with the DC tonight have f*&king dinner with them?!
Someone kick me up the backside please!??
I have 'lurked' on your thread occasionally, you've come so far from that first post in April, you should be proud of yourself.
Your 'D'M is opinionated and is quick to blame you for any ongoing difficulties. She still openly champions your H and holds grudges when you stand up for yourself.
A long time ago on your thread a poster called WhereYouLeftIt succinctly explained her actions:
you staying in a bad marriage validates her decision to stay in hers.
Since then you have made a huge decision and taken a brave step.
Your decisions are what's best for you and your sanity. Don't be side-swiped by your M's negativity.
DS came home with a message from her tonight. She will come and see me, once I say sorry to HER?!
Can I just ask that you don't use your children to communicate on your behalf?
Sadly, you can't stop your mother doing that - your children shouldn't be treated as carrier pigeons, so please don't respond to her via them as it'll only encourage her.
On the other hand, aren't you doing great! It's so pleasing to read. Best wishes for the future.
Trust me, I would never put my children in that position. I would never stop DC from seeing their grandparents but I went let her manipulate them.
Honestly what on earth have I got to say sorry for?!!
Received letter from H solicitor yesterday. I am to be divorced on the grounds of my unreasonable behaviour. Strangely, I felt nothing but relief to receive the letter. I just hope now it will be straightforward with no bitch fight, for the DC's sake. I am seeking that DC spend as close as possible to equal time with both of us. He has actually admitted that us separating has made him step-up as a dad, so that's good, yes?
Haven't got time to read the whole thread but I think a lot of mums of a certain generation are so amazed that the father 'helps' with childcare when they had to totally go it alone that they can't understand how you could be so 'ungrateful' as to turn your nose up.
He is doing what needs to be done as equal parent to keep your family functioning and therefore doesn't deserve a medal. There is still such an unconscious sexism to the way a lot of us perceive male/ female domestic and parenting roles.
Still if DH is feeling like he is doing you a massive favour you need to call him on it.
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