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Can somebody help me please - how do I make them understand???

(576 Posts)
Overtiredmum Thu 18-Apr-13 19:41:19

I have been with my DH for 12 years, married for 7 and we have two beautiful children, DS 7 and DD 4. DH is a wonderful dad and a good husband, problem is that for the last year or so I have just drifted apart from him, to the point I am just so unhappy, we have finally separated.

This has only been since last week, and we are slowly starting to tell friends and family. The problem is I feel like I am beign ganged up on, no-one really understands how I feel and that I need to do whats best, which in everyone elses view is patch things up with DH for the sake of the kids! But thats the problem, I have been "patching" for the last year, now I just feel like I am barely surviving day to day.

Since having DS, I have worked evenings. I am fortunate that I have a good job which enabled me to continue my career, but working in the evenings, 5-11pm. DH works days 7am to 4pm, which meant we have never needed additional childcare. But also meant that we had very little time together. I have always tried to do the lions share of stuff at home, maybe a couple of times a week he will need to cook for DC, but apart from that I do everything, and then I go to work. My day starts at 6am and finishes about 12.30am when I crawl into bed.

For the last 4 months or so, everything has just gotten on top of me. Growing up, my parents had an unhappy marriage, splitting up on numerous occasions, my DF being always at work, my DM being the primary care provider. My DM made sacrifices for her own happiness, and they stayed together and are companions for each other in their retirement. But I watched this growing up, and can now see my life heading in the same direction. I have tried to talk to my mum about my feelings, but she is of the view that I should stay put, that I could never do any better, a companion is better than a partner and to "think of the children". I can see having a companion works for her, she is 65 - I am 38?

But that is my problem - I am doing this for my babies. For the last 4-6 months they are picking up on my unhappiness. DS is at school all day, but DD is home for 3 days a week - I spend whole days crying, with her drying my tears, telling me she loves me and it will be OK. Thats surely not healthy for her?? My DS has a nervous thing he does with his eyes, which he cannot seem to stop. I feel like I am being a terrible mum, I need to be happy, surely if I'm happy I will be a better mum?

Together as a family, the DC continually fight and argue, fighting for my attention and love.

So, I have broken DH's heart by asking for a separation. This was last Friday. He stayed at his mums for the weekend but came back every day. Every time he left, I felt a great sense of relief, the DC calmed down, played together great, and we had fun. Thats sounds awful I know. The minute he walks back through the door, I am uncomfortable, it is back to square one with the fighting and arguing. For the first time ever, he took them to the park at the weekend on his own, they loved it.

I am just so unhappy, and I feel I am being pushed into a corner. I have had some really dark days during the last few months, I have been drinking a ridiculous amount of alcohol. This past few days have been so tough, I know he doesn't understand, but I feel relief that he now knows at least, and I haven't even felt the need for a drop of alcohol.

I have made an appointment to see a Relate counsellor next week on my own, although don't really know what to expect. I just want to sit down and talk to someone who doesn't know me, or how great DH is.

I just feel drained. I am continually trying to explain that I am just so unhappy, that it is reflecting on the DC, and that I feel to be the best mum I can, I need to be happy, and if that means being apart from DH, then so be it.

Sorry - long and rambling, but needed to get this out of my head. I feel terrible for breaking the heart of a good man - but I have one life, don't I owe it to myself to make the very best of it for me and my DC? I love my DH, but more as a brother. We just returned from a 10 day holiday together, I had hoped the time together would help - but I felt like I was away with a stranger sad

So opinions please - am I doing the right thing?

Overtiredmum Sun 15-Sep-13 08:28:48

I sort of have proof of his stashes, I have a screen shot of his gambling account which shows he transferred £1k to his bank card and I have a photo of his bank card - hate being so devious, but I am struggling to get to the end of the month and he's doing that.

I asked him to give DCs some pocket money when I took them out yesterday, he said he has no money and told me to take it out joint account. But oddly enough he had money to go out last night?

I had lovely day yesterday, he went out and has stayed at his mates so hasn't been here so I've felt so good! I'm chilled and relaxed and the DCs are so much calmer, we've really enjoyed our time together. Does that sound mean?

Hissy Sun 15-Sep-13 12:35:24

Not mean at all! It's showing you how much better your life will be without him!

Overtiredmum Mon 16-Sep-13 18:03:52

So, H is going to solicitor on Friday to instigate divorce. Apparently, he is citing my apparent "adultery"?! WTF?? He'll probably also claim I have led him to be medicated for depression sad

I went to the cinema one evening last week with a friend, admittedly a male friend, but thats all he is. H brother saw me out with him, and now I'm having an affair. But really, would I have been sooooo public to be seen out locally at one of the busiest shopping centres in the country? And really, after separating six months ago, am I really not allowed to go out with one of the only few friends I have left?

Not sure how I feel really. I think relief that this won't be drawn out, but I feel quite sad that after all this time he still hasn't listened to a thing I've said. I also think he will try and take me to the cleaners.

Guess I'll just have to wait and see sad

Hissy Mon 16-Sep-13 18:29:50

Let it all wash over you. He's doing this to rattle you.

Overtiredmum Mon 16-Sep-13 19:19:12

I just wonder what else can be thrown at me? I mean really, adultery? He really isn't willing to accept any responsibility for this, is he?

He's also told DM that I'm having an affair. We were starting to manage at least the odd text asking how we were. But I got a text from her calling me a liar(??) and then nothing since. I'm not even going to bother.

If I wasn't finding it all so exhausting, I might actually find it funny - is that bad?

cantfindamnnickname Mon 16-Sep-13 19:21:41

He can only petition you for divorce on the grounds of adultery if you admit to it and clearly if there is nothing to admit to then he will have to do it on some other reason. Or you issue on grounds of his unreasonable behaviour - take some control.

He can't take you to the cleaners - you will have residence of the children so their needs are priority and you will get the lions share

Overtiredmum Mon 16-Sep-13 19:41:16

I don't want the lions share, I just want half of the sale proceeds, so I can clear most of the debt I have in my name, then I can afford to rent somewhere fairly decent.

I had such a lovely weekend, the DC hardly mentioned him when he was away, I was so chilled and relaxed, which resulted in them being happy. I know it will change when I start my new job, and then move house, they are bound to be more affected, their days will be longer, but they will have more to do. I took them to see the after school club, and they loved it!

And certainly for me, I'm hoping to be able to catch up on some sleep and no more working weekends = better quality time with my babies. grin

cantfindamnnickname Mon 16-Sep-13 19:46:00

I hope you have been to get some proper legal advice, if not go and get some please

Overtiredmum Mon 16-Sep-13 20:14:05

Yes Can'tfind, I went last week - but why do you say that?

cantfindamnnickname Mon 16-Sep-13 20:53:55

I say that because your guilt at what you've done means you are not walking away with what you should be. You have the residence of the children and therefore u should get a larger share in order to house them appropriately.

And I think you've made the right decision and I think that your m has behaved appallingly. Check out my thread - is my marriage over.

Overtiredmum Mon 16-Sep-13 21:00:48

Thank you, I've found it, I'm going to make a cuppa and have a read xx

Overtiredmum Mon 16-Sep-13 22:29:47

Can'tfind, I've read your other thread. Its amazing how I felt like it could have been me writing that. I understand what you mean about the guilt preventing me from taking more - I just can't seem to stop feeling that guilt though.

I'm terrified of starting again. Most days I feel excited about the prospect, but then I panic in case he does something to let DC down, its all "what ifs" that I play out in my head. Is that normal?

mummytime Mon 16-Sep-13 22:39:58

You need more than "half" because you will be taking care of the children.

He can't sue for adultery unless you admit it (even men who are living with their OWs often stop that grounds being used). However Unreasonable behaviour is far easier. But in England it doesn't matter whose "fault" it is, the assets are divided on other grounds.

Your Mother sounds like a negative influence, so you are better off with no contact right now. (I can't imagine believing my DDs partner over her, unless I had cast iron proof; so she is either very damaged or to some extent wants to believe bad things about you.)

The calm with your children is what you have to look forward to.

Overtiredmum Mon 16-Sep-13 22:53:38

The solicitor I saw told me he could claim maintenance from ME, if he has a good solicitor, he could threaten half my pensions if I don't give him more of the house?! I'm not bothered about my pensions though, whats half of nothing?! I'll be lucky if I get £100 a month from my pensions!

Overtiredmum Tue 17-Sep-13 07:53:35

Feeling refreshed this morning. I need to focus on DC and stop worrying on the past x

mummytime Tue 17-Sep-13 08:51:08

It depends on who has the greater responsibility for the children. Have you been supporting him in the past, and for how many years?

I would suggest looking for another solicitor, one who is a real rottweiler.

Overtiredmum Tue 17-Sep-13 09:40:40

Mummytime, you pretty much have shared responsibility. He works days and I work evenings. I am going back to work days in a few weeks and I have made arrangements with friends to take DC to school, then they will go to an after school club, he will pick them up at 6, and then I will collect them from from at 7 to take them home. I will rent somewhere to live, he is moving back with him parents.

I have always earnt more than him and every penny has always gone into the joint account.

Overtiredmum Tue 17-Sep-13 09:54:15

My ultimate fear, which probably seems crazy, is that he will try and take DC away from me. He has threatened it a couple of times, but then after has always said he would never do that. I'm a good mum, or at least I think I am, I have my doubts at times, but in order to be the best mum I can, I need to be happy myself.

He is a drinker, more so since we've separated. I hate that I have done that to him. But I can give the DC the stability they need. He is a good dad and I hope he continues to focus on that.

Oddly, I've just found his anti depressants stashed at the back of the cupboard, still untouched.

Why do I feel the need to justify myself, six months down the line hmm

mummytime Tue 17-Sep-13 10:42:37

Do not blame yourself for his drinking!
"You didn't cause it. You can't cure it. You can't control it."

Please get another legal opinion. If he has been working during the day, how many hours of "awake" time have you been caring for the children? I would expect it has been greater than 50%.
With your new arrangement he will have them for 1 hour a day - that is no where near 50/50 care.

I think he is abusing you, and you are trapped in FOG.

Overtiredmum Tue 17-Sep-13 14:17:03

I've always done the care during the day, all the school runs etc. he comes home at 4, which is when I leave for work. Then he'll cook dinner if I haven't done it, bath and bed by usually 8, so yes I do the majority.

He feels like I've treated him "like a doormat", I've put my job first etc. yes I work, through necessity cos I earn more. I'm fortunate I could continue my career working evenings, bringing up the DC without need for child care. And yes, now they are both at school as DD is now 4, it is more feasible for me to work days and have my evenings with them. I don't feel I am being selfish in working days now, it's the only way I will see more of the DC. I just hope they adapt.

Things are moving fast! Had a call today to say I need to complete on sale on 30th September. I'm no where near ready. I think I've found a house, it's only 2 bed, I really wanted 3, but they haven't given me much notice. I'm excited, is that bad?

Overtiredmum Tue 17-Sep-13 20:48:28

Oooooo so referencing papers have been returned, the fee has been paid. Dare I say it - I'm excited!??

Fingers crossed I can get everything organised, packed and ready for the removals in 10 ish days time grin

mummytime Tue 17-Sep-13 20:56:53

That is good news! Congratulations. flowers

Being excited is good, you are starting a new phase.

(But its not wrong either to feel sad, or slightly scared too.)

Overtiredmum Wed 18-Sep-13 00:05:57

Scared, nervous, feel sick but soooo excited. To shut my own front door for the first time grin

Overtiredmum Wed 18-Sep-13 19:40:20

How can things change in 24 hours - I'm back to getting more crap now, hes threatening to take the house off the market and everything sad I'm so tired of this now

Overtiredmum Mon 23-Sep-13 20:17:13

Due to exchange tomorrow, complete on Monday/Tuesday next week. This last week has been hell sad I found somewhere to rent, then that fell through, no idea why. Then had a dash around trying to find somewhere else. I've found somewhere, its really nice, the kids love it, right out in the country side, very peaceful, will add some time to our journey, but i'm signing a six month tenancy, so if its too much, I can look again for the spring. Saying that, I still need to get through the referencing [extremely nervous]. Shouldn't be a problem, the only issue may arise from changing jobs.

I feel sick, with worry about the new place, I seem to be questioning myself at the moment, H is being very "nice".

Finally, have another counselling for Saturday morning, thats come at the right time!

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