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Can somebody help me please - how do I make them understand???(576 Posts)
I have been with my DH for 12 years, married for 7 and we have two beautiful children, DS 7 and DD 4. DH is a wonderful dad and a good husband, problem is that for the last year or so I have just drifted apart from him, to the point I am just so unhappy, we have finally separated.
This has only been since last week, and we are slowly starting to tell friends and family. The problem is I feel like I am beign ganged up on, no-one really understands how I feel and that I need to do whats best, which in everyone elses view is patch things up with DH for the sake of the kids! But thats the problem, I have been "patching" for the last year, now I just feel like I am barely surviving day to day.
Since having DS, I have worked evenings. I am fortunate that I have a good job which enabled me to continue my career, but working in the evenings, 5-11pm. DH works days 7am to 4pm, which meant we have never needed additional childcare. But also meant that we had very little time together. I have always tried to do the lions share of stuff at home, maybe a couple of times a week he will need to cook for DC, but apart from that I do everything, and then I go to work. My day starts at 6am and finishes about 12.30am when I crawl into bed.
For the last 4 months or so, everything has just gotten on top of me. Growing up, my parents had an unhappy marriage, splitting up on numerous occasions, my DF being always at work, my DM being the primary care provider. My DM made sacrifices for her own happiness, and they stayed together and are companions for each other in their retirement. But I watched this growing up, and can now see my life heading in the same direction. I have tried to talk to my mum about my feelings, but she is of the view that I should stay put, that I could never do any better, a companion is better than a partner and to "think of the children". I can see having a companion works for her, she is 65 - I am 38?
But that is my problem - I am doing this for my babies. For the last 4-6 months they are picking up on my unhappiness. DS is at school all day, but DD is home for 3 days a week - I spend whole days crying, with her drying my tears, telling me she loves me and it will be OK. Thats surely not healthy for her?? My DS has a nervous thing he does with his eyes, which he cannot seem to stop. I feel like I am being a terrible mum, I need to be happy, surely if I'm happy I will be a better mum?
Together as a family, the DC continually fight and argue, fighting for my attention and love.
So, I have broken DH's heart by asking for a separation. This was last Friday. He stayed at his mums for the weekend but came back every day. Every time he left, I felt a great sense of relief, the DC calmed down, played together great, and we had fun. Thats sounds awful I know. The minute he walks back through the door, I am uncomfortable, it is back to square one with the fighting and arguing. For the first time ever, he took them to the park at the weekend on his own, they loved it.
I am just so unhappy, and I feel I am being pushed into a corner. I have had some really dark days during the last few months, I have been drinking a ridiculous amount of alcohol. This past few days have been so tough, I know he doesn't understand, but I feel relief that he now knows at least, and I haven't even felt the need for a drop of alcohol.
I have made an appointment to see a Relate counsellor next week on my own, although don't really know what to expect. I just want to sit down and talk to someone who doesn't know me, or how great DH is.
I just feel drained. I am continually trying to explain that I am just so unhappy, that it is reflecting on the DC, and that I feel to be the best mum I can, I need to be happy, and if that means being apart from DH, then so be it.
Sorry - long and rambling, but needed to get this out of my head. I feel terrible for breaking the heart of a good man - but I have one life, don't I owe it to myself to make the very best of it for me and my DC? I love my DH, but more as a brother. We just returned from a 10 day holiday together, I had hoped the time together would help - but I felt like I was away with a stranger
So opinions please - am I doing the right thing?
thank you everyone, for so much xxx
Had a lovely day today and [drumroll please] the house is on the market!!! Hoorah!! xxx
Wow things are moving fast! Do you mind explaining why one of you isn't staying in the house with the children?
Also, glad to hear you had a lovely day. Hope you have many more in the near future.
Because even with one adult and 2 DC, we've outgrown it really. The DC want their own bedrooms and a proper garden. My garden is so small at the moment, if you threw a ball out, it would bounce off the garage and come back and slap you in the face
We have secured debts attached to it as well, its easier all round to get rid, pay everything off and start again. My mortgage is relatively high, for an extra £200 a month I could rent a lovely place for now.
Plus H has upset most of the neighbours
Do you think I'm rushing the sale then? Our secured debt on the house is over £500 a month, and on top of the mortgage of £750, its quite crippling
So you're paying £12000 a month before you've started? I know it's all relative but that seems a huge amount. I'm sorry I gave the impression I thought you were rushing, it wasn't my intention. I was picturing a family house and it didn't seem to make sense to buy two new houses when only one would do. With what you've said it makes perfect sense. Feels like a fresh start.
How is your son doing?
Ha, just noticed an extra '0' in there, that would be pricey!
That would be a scarey amount! I won't buy yet, rent until I have cleared the last of my debts and then save something if I can.
Wish I didn't have to go home tonight, from the tone of his texts, which I'm ignoring, hes brewing for a fight. I'm so tired of this
You sound sleep deprived OP, not lovelorn with regards to your DH.
Hello OTM. You're doing fantastically. I hope he's not too bad over the weekend & you have a lovely one with the kids.
How did it go last night? Hope everything's ok.
Well, he's playing his final abuse card. He started shouting at me the second I walked in the door. Hes started with the old "I won't babysit for you" blah blah blah This one is hilarious - he's divorcing me on the grounds of adultery , although chance would be a fine thing!! Hes now told me everything my M has said about me.
He told me he is coming to my counselling session and I have no say?!
He then smashed his mobile to the floor, then launched a mug into the back garden. Tales of how he will kill himself, how I have ruined the kid's lives .............
Then oddly, he just went to bed and fell straight to sleep - I mean, within seconds was snoring!!! Is that not weird?
Anyway he got up this morning, not exactly remorseful, but apologising, that he was out of order and it won't happen again. Of course I believe that, thats the second time this week
So, I've come to work, DC rang me to say goodnight, DD said Daddy I don't like you cos you make mummy cry. I am having the separation agreement drawn up and I've told him that, he is in agreement.
I'm very sad today, I have to work all weekend too, during the day. I have a friend on standby to look after DC if I need it, although I can always bring them in here with me of a weekend.
Please bear in mind that he cannot attend your counselling session with you if you don't want him to, and that if he tries, the counsellor will call the police and have him removed from his/her premises. You can either point this out to him or just ignore and walk away when he starts coming out with nonsense like this.
Also, if he has any more tantrums, you can have him removed from the house by the police. Remember he has no rights over you and you do not need his permission or his co-operation to divorce him.
I've been checking the thread... hope everything's ok.
Hi, pretty uneventful weekend really, spent most of it working, so we didn't need to be in the same house together for too long.
Separation Agreement has been signed by us both now. No viewings on the house as yet, but its only been on the market 3 days, I need to learn to be more patient
Nothing more really to report. I am treading in eggshells and I hate that but I am staying positive for the kids sake.
Also, I had to postpone my Relate as I realised it was on a day that DD was home, and I have no-one to look after her on those days, so I now have to wait again for another day
I had an email from H's brother's partner, saying that she hoped I was OK, and that the partner was very angry with me - considering they haven't picked up a phone in the last two years or made any effort to see even the DC, I think he is a hypocrit! Its amazing how people have an opinion, without knowing the full story.
Good to hear from you, and at least if things aren't great, I guess they're better than they were.
Well yes, theres that. I had an Interference clause put in the Agreement which says he can't abuse me or anything now - be interesting to see if he can stick to it x
I don't know anything about separation agreements. What happens if he breaches the clause?
Not entirely sure, I can't really stop him saying stuff. But it states arrangements for DC and financials and stuff.
Just when you think you've hit rock bottom and you start to climb back up.........
DS is 8 tomorrow. M and F visited yesterday whilst I was at work, no major problems. Then DSis visits tonight, all ok, then she comes on the phone saying H is upset cos DD told him when she moves she is getting a new bed and a new daddy I have never say anything like that, but of course I am lying, DD would never lie
I am so tired, so fed up and drained of all the emtional rollercoaster but I'm fed up of everyone thinking so damn little of me xx
He's a lying prat . Ignore. Detach.
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