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Can somebody help me please - how do I make them understand???(576 Posts)
I have been with my DH for 12 years, married for 7 and we have two beautiful children, DS 7 and DD 4. DH is a wonderful dad and a good husband, problem is that for the last year or so I have just drifted apart from him, to the point I am just so unhappy, we have finally separated.
This has only been since last week, and we are slowly starting to tell friends and family. The problem is I feel like I am beign ganged up on, no-one really understands how I feel and that I need to do whats best, which in everyone elses view is patch things up with DH for the sake of the kids! But thats the problem, I have been "patching" for the last year, now I just feel like I am barely surviving day to day.
Since having DS, I have worked evenings. I am fortunate that I have a good job which enabled me to continue my career, but working in the evenings, 5-11pm. DH works days 7am to 4pm, which meant we have never needed additional childcare. But also meant that we had very little time together. I have always tried to do the lions share of stuff at home, maybe a couple of times a week he will need to cook for DC, but apart from that I do everything, and then I go to work. My day starts at 6am and finishes about 12.30am when I crawl into bed.
For the last 4 months or so, everything has just gotten on top of me. Growing up, my parents had an unhappy marriage, splitting up on numerous occasions, my DF being always at work, my DM being the primary care provider. My DM made sacrifices for her own happiness, and they stayed together and are companions for each other in their retirement. But I watched this growing up, and can now see my life heading in the same direction. I have tried to talk to my mum about my feelings, but she is of the view that I should stay put, that I could never do any better, a companion is better than a partner and to "think of the children". I can see having a companion works for her, she is 65 - I am 38?
But that is my problem - I am doing this for my babies. For the last 4-6 months they are picking up on my unhappiness. DS is at school all day, but DD is home for 3 days a week - I spend whole days crying, with her drying my tears, telling me she loves me and it will be OK. Thats surely not healthy for her?? My DS has a nervous thing he does with his eyes, which he cannot seem to stop. I feel like I am being a terrible mum, I need to be happy, surely if I'm happy I will be a better mum?
Together as a family, the DC continually fight and argue, fighting for my attention and love.
So, I have broken DH's heart by asking for a separation. This was last Friday. He stayed at his mums for the weekend but came back every day. Every time he left, I felt a great sense of relief, the DC calmed down, played together great, and we had fun. Thats sounds awful I know. The minute he walks back through the door, I am uncomfortable, it is back to square one with the fighting and arguing. For the first time ever, he took them to the park at the weekend on his own, they loved it.
I am just so unhappy, and I feel I am being pushed into a corner. I have had some really dark days during the last few months, I have been drinking a ridiculous amount of alcohol. This past few days have been so tough, I know he doesn't understand, but I feel relief that he now knows at least, and I haven't even felt the need for a drop of alcohol.
I have made an appointment to see a Relate counsellor next week on my own, although don't really know what to expect. I just want to sit down and talk to someone who doesn't know me, or how great DH is.
I just feel drained. I am continually trying to explain that I am just so unhappy, that it is reflecting on the DC, and that I feel to be the best mum I can, I need to be happy, and if that means being apart from DH, then so be it.
Sorry - long and rambling, but needed to get this out of my head. I feel terrible for breaking the heart of a good man - but I have one life, don't I owe it to myself to make the very best of it for me and my DC? I love my DH, but more as a brother. We just returned from a 10 day holiday together, I had hoped the time together would help - but I felt like I was away with a stranger
So opinions please - am I doing the right thing?
otm what's happening, are you OK? I hope you are getting some rl support from somewhere.
Hope you get some sleep otm. Whatever's happened.
I'm guessing you can't talk much at the moment. We are still here when you want us.
i will explain but need to log on computer x
Ok, here goes, I need to get this down, so please bear with me.
You will know from earlier that I mentioned my parents marital problems over the years. Both were married before and both had a daughter, one who I was brought up with, who I have a bad relationship with, the other is my DF daughter and have never met.
Growing up I knew she existed, but he only ever had a relationship with her when he was away from home. I have spoken to her once when I was about 8, when she called the home to ask to speak to him.
Anyway, to yesterday, parents were turning up briefly to see the kids. Perfectly normal visit, I was in kitchen cooking dinner. Went through to the lounge to see H and M with heads together and when they saw me they moved. She then starts with asking whether H was back living at the house, to which I said yes, he has moved back for the sake of the children, but for nothing more.
She then proceeds to tell me that I should put my feelings to one side for the sake of the children and had I actually asked them what they wanted?! I said no, they are too young to really understand, although H has already done that, I told her that and I said DS wants him here, DD doesn't, to which she replied "Well they are only children!" So one minute she wants me to ask, then I am to ignore what they say anyway?! I went on to say that as long as the DC were happy, which they are, then I do not feel my decision has had a detrimental effect on them.
So, not being happy with that, she proceeds to tell me that I had ruined her life, because as an 8 year old I begged her to let my dad come back and that as an 8 year old I had ruined my dad's relationship with his daughter????????? So she firmly believes it was all my fault?! Even my H was shocked at her words of spite towards me.
I left the room and sat in the kitchen, to which all I could hear was her saying SHE needed to know what my decision was, and SHE needed this that and the other and SHE love my H and she can't understand me!!
She then came out and asked why I am not talking to her, to which I said because of the vile text messages she sent, I decided to distance myself from her and that she needed to stop thinking I was ill, to which she said "Well you do have a problem, you're seeing a counsellor!"
My dad gave me a hug but at no time did he even offer any words of comfort. They quickly left after that, but her parting words to H were "Sorry, I think I've just made it worse for you!" No, oh I think I have just broken my daughters heart, nothing!!
I left the house just after, needed to walk and clear my head. Must have looked an idiot sobbing as I walked the streets, ended up in a pub with a glass of wine so I could call my mate.
Am heartbroken, but now my darling sis has jumped on the bandwagon, spilling vile abuse at me because I refuse to talk to her.
I appreciate thoughts/comments on this. I feel I may be over-exagerating, but how can you blame an 8 year old, 30 years later, at ruining your life?! I remember her sitting me down on her bed and asking me if I wanted to live with her or my dad, because I said I didn't know, she didn't talk to me for days?!! And yet she expects me to do the same to my DC, I have to ignore my feelings of unhappiness to stay with a man I don't love?
I need to cut ties don't I? I have told H that if they want to see DC, then he can take them to him but she is not coming here doing that in front of my children?! DD has been calling nanny a witch all morning, so she really does understand everything that she said to me yesterday.
Can I get over this? H was really surprised and text me today to say he hated seeing the pain and heartache I went through last night, that he realises they have been bullying me and is prepared to sell the house. Time will tell how much of that is true xxx
Your family sound awful and yes I would cut ties with them. Block their numbers and if they call round again don't let them in and say you are not interested in hearing what they say to you. I wouldn't let the DC go round there either for the moment - again, say they were upset by what was being said to you so you can't have them hearing that sort of thing again, therefore no contact.
At least if your H is now prepared to sell the house then something has been gained. Try to get moving on that asap.
Oh overtired that is terrible I don't have any advice, but can hold your hand, if you want.
How rotten for you. But at least your H may start behaving reasonably about the divorce - I suggest taking advantage of his current sympathetic mood to get things moving, as he may well turn difficult again soon.
I'm so sorry Overtired...
Yes, your mum is toxic, or she sounds it. None of what she says makes sense, especially if you try to make her pronouncements fit those of a caring, reasonable mother.
If you see her motivation as solely to attack and undermine you, it makes sense. It works like this: everything you say is automatically wrong, and everything is your fault, even if you were 8 at the time. Ridiculous!
Now I know that I've only pointed out the obvious here: but from personal experience, sometimes you need an outsider to verify that it really is this bad.
So yes, it's time to create distance between you and your mum. It will only harm you to keep hearing her nonsense. Same with the angry sister.
Keep going with your plans Overtired.... the heartbreak will lessen, though it is very raw just now. I do share SolidGold's view that you have a good opportunity to move things along while your H is being more co operative.
Your mother is - and I am genuinely sorry about this - completely bonkers.
There was nothing, absolutely nothing, rational in what she did in your living room.
She almost gave you an object lesson in exactly why one doesn't ask children to decide extremely fucking serious stuff when you are the adult. Because a. they are too involved, but not in a fully informed way b. it's adult stuff that they are not old enough for c, because you probably won't act on their wishes anyway and d. if you do, you'll probably regret it. And if you are your completely strange mother, you will then wait about 25 years before screaming a torrent of resentful abuse at someone you were completely inappropriate towards years ago.
There are actually loads more reasons why you don't ask your children to decide this sort of stuff - the above list is really only a starter.
The way she is dealing with your husband is just a weeny bit flirty towards him/abusive towards you.
You know, more and more I think that a lot of what is going on with you is perhaps about your relationship with your mother. She is very angry with you, isn't she?
I don't know what's going on with your sister. I do think you may have to look further afield than your immediate family for support, though.
Anyway, I'm going to send you affection, across the internet. Good luck, my dear.
Well M text H yesterday to see if he is ok. Said she would apologise but she would never mean it. I'm done with my family xx
You're better off without this person in your life. Really. So are your kids.
Any movement on the house?
We are both looking at rental properties and this house should be on market in next few weeks
That sounds positive otm.
how are you feeling?
Totally drained but weirdly excited? x
I hope things will start to get easier for you.
I am so so at your mother, do not let her get you down, it's a shame she is not there for you but you are doing great anyway!
Weirdly excited is good!
..The offer of an insincere apology just adds insult to injury, doesn't it. Why do they do that? Still....with each day away from your mum, you will reduce the toxicity quotient in your life, and gain some much needed strength. Keep facing forward
am tired, he wants to come to Relate
Let him go there on his own. Not with you.
I wouldn't advise going to Relate with this man either
feel like i go roumd in circles most days x
so H spent most of last night slamming around thr house sulkong at my refusal to have sex. he had a go at ds telling him.to grow up cos he vried in shower xx
otm I don't think you should let this man in the house, you need to get space from him. if he wants to see the DCs he can take them out.
Why on earth should you allow this man to have sex on you? You are divorcing him. If you think he might escalate to forcing you, then it's time for another chat with the police and WA on ways to remove him from the house. He has no rights at all over you, remember that.
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