Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
One text and I'm back to being a paranoid mess.(21 Posts)
long story cut reasonably short, have also name changed.
I have 2 DC, a dd (2) from a previous relationship and 10week old ds with my partner.
I left dd's father when she was 4 months old, he was emotionally and physically abusive, started smoking weed, had no interest in myself or dd at all, I felt rock bottom and figured I'd be happier on my own.
dd's father became increasingly nasty over time, he broke into my house on 2 occasions, he stalked me, he parked outside my house some nights all night, his family are like a pack of wolves and I often felt like I couldn't even go into town, he smashed up my car, he constantly prank called my work to see if I were there (ending in me losing my job) he also drunkenly started a road rage by driving into my car trying to knock me of the road!
he never turned up to see dd, not even on her first Christmas when I sat outside his grand parents house waiting for an hour! on the odd occasion he did turn up he was drunk or was obviously under the influence of drugs, or he was excessively late having just got out of hospital from being in a fight the night before.
he has also formed a relationship with dps ex who was still obsessed with him, constantly calling, texting, waiting outside his work! it's all just ridiculas, between them both they've tried their best to split us up.
after everything I decided I didn't want this idiot around my dd so stopped all contact, he left it for ages and wasn't interested in dd, only interested in making my life hell!
over time I allowed him supervised contact at a local centre, one Saturday he didn't turn up, turned out he'd been sectioned under the mental health act.
this was it for me, I couldn't keep putting dd through all this utter shit. dp and I came up with a plan to move away while he was being kept at a mental hospital. dp quickly got a job 150 miles so we moved, this was 6 weeks ago!
the last 6 weeks have been bliss!! I've been able to leave the house without constantly looking around me and feeling like I shouldn't be out, I've made some lovely new friends, I've got involved with some great supportive groups, the children are happy and dp has now settled into his new job. I'd almost forgotten our ex's existed....
well until this morning when I've received a text from the lady that ran the contact centre asking for my address as she's been told I'm no longer there and dd's dad wants to see her there again as he's been released.
I've ignored this text, I'm not resuming contact. I feel like I've gotta watch my step again incase he finds out where we've gone, it's shit ..... don't know what to do
everything I've done has been for dd, everything he's done/did has been to make it as difficult as possible for me
anyone know where I stand if I continue to ignore it all?
that's not even all of it, that's the shortest version I could give, sorry it's abit drip feedy :-/
Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.
no, I just agreed to it :-/
I'm not sure of the legalities, but I'd text back saying that Data Protection says they cannot give this man or anyone else any details of you or your child, and to please not cotact you again (and take all of your/your DDs details off their database). At least they will read between the lines in case he tries to sweet talk them into finding your new address for him (I'm sure he can be very charming when he wants to).
Be wary of Facebook and social networking sites as people can track you through that.
I know you must be feeling really anxious and have been through the mill, but please speak to a solicitor to get the wheels in action. Write everything down and tell them that you fear harassment from him.
Hug hug hug
Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.
It doesn't sound like he wants contact at all - just to 'punish' the OP.
I presume the police are aware of all this? Is it worth a call to the non emergency number and just make them aware in case?
Did you report him for stalking you, breaking into your house, vandalising your car etc? If so, you have a decent case for not allowing him contact. Don't be pressured into giving him your address, let him take you to court if he's that bothered (which by the sounds of it, he's probably not). Until he does, forget him and enjoy your new life.
Let him try the court route. Don't resume contact if you don't want to & haven't been forced to legally (yet).
I doubt anyone would blame you for not wanting anything to do with this man or him having anything to do with your DC.
(oh and if those incidents were reported then he'll be very very lucky to get any contact at all & what he does get will be contact centre based etc)
I did have a solicitor back home but I uninstructed her when I moved as it would be one less route he could try to get hold of me.
all incidents were reported to the police yes, but they suddenly became very unhelpful when I STUPIDLY decided not to press charges (he was threatening that his family would finish it if I pressed charges) I wish I had now
I do have an emergency thing on my phone number so if he turned up/started trouble all I have to do is call 999 and my address, number and location come up and they'll be straight there.
it's knowing what he's like thsts scareing me, rumour was that he was high on cocaine and attacked his father then threatened to jump off a bridge and that's what got him sectioned.
he wouldn't think twice about coming here if he got my new address! I've looked out the window 4 times this morning now, looking for him
dp and I both deactivated our facebook accounts when we moved moonin so hopefully they won't be traceable, although I logged in once after we moved but I deactivated it again :-/
I would still give them a call and put them in the picture. I don't if a different police force will have the information. Data protection days they cannot give out your address. Maybe change your number too if you are this scared xx
Is it still possible to press charges?
I will go to the local police station tomoz afternoon and inform them of all thats happened.
I've already changed my number, only people that have it are family, close friends, contact centre lady and old solicitor.
don't know if I could legally press charges now for offences that happened 6 months ago :-/ + he would just get out of it by putting it on his state of mental illness.
Trouble I so know what you are going through. Speak to the police, honestly. I have a long standing thread running atm...basically I moved around to stay under the radar from ExH... I had to run after the trial collapsed (he was charged with rape, both me and his ex W, indecent assault and buggery), and had also been arrested with the rape of our DD, who was only 2/3 at the time.
he had also spent time on a psych hospital (suicide attempt, death threats etc).
Long story short, after a good 5 years of no contact he has tracked us down through a solicitor and wants contact. I spoke to the police and they have been phenomenal...they have basically turned my house into fort knox - window alarms, door alarms, kick bars on doors and windows, anti climb paint on walls, raised the height of the fence so it is much more difficult to climb and issued me with a handset which connects to 999 immediately at the touch of a button.
What I am trying to say is that they will take you seriously, they are coming down hard on domestic abuse/threat of it etc. There have been too many cases where women have asked for help in the past only to be ignored and then attacked by their exes, and now they are going out of their way to protect women like you, me and countless others.
Make sure they have your updated details locally - out of area forces don't hold the details which your old local force do, so you need to make sure the new ones do.
You can also apply for an injunction ( non molestation order) if he does try and come near you again. Website Rights of Women has good information on how to do this and breaching an injunction is now a criminal offence. However if he has mental health problems he may not care...sometimes people are traced through the electoral register, if you have been a victim of dv you can ask for your details to be recorded anonymously. Keep safe!
sleeping that's awful!! I will deffo make a trip to the police station this afternoon, what are the chances he'll get contact with your dd? my solicitor told me that because I have dds father on the birth certificate it'll be incredibly hard for him to be refused any sort of access through the court!
crap isn't it, the things women have to do to protect their children!
what are you going to do?
hope we get peace, very soon!!!!
destiny - my solicitor threatened him with a non mol order ages ago as we didn't have enough evidence as he denied everything and leaves as little evidence as poss (he's not stupid) .... anyway, threatening him worth it only made him worse and more wise, he just started doing things when I was on my own so had no witnesses, or he'd follow me in other people's cars or get family to slash my tires....
no advise sorry, just bumping for you!
How did it go with the police, Trouble?
You don't decide if you are going to press charges or not-the police pass evidence on to cps or procurator fiscal in Scotland.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.