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Telling the OW's husband?

(68 Posts)
Autumn12 Tue 16-Apr-13 09:52:39

My mother has recently discovered that her husband is 'in love' with a work colleague and wants to end their marriage. This all came about from seemingly nowhere and she is devastated. He is refusing to move out and so she is having to put up with him sleeping on her sofa each night whilst constantly texting his OW.

He is being a complete dick. He refused to give her access to their joint account until she sought advice from the CAB. He also seems to be telling her things that just aren't appropriate like how he is changing his hours at work to be the same as his OW's. He has always been a nice man so this personality change is shocking.

The OW is married with 3 kids. At this point it seems her husband has no idea that all of this is going on. So my mum and young brothers lives have been destroyed overnight but this woman gets to keep her nice little life. Would it be wrong of me to assist my mum in finding a way of contacting OW's husband to let him know of this affair?

My mum is understand my very angry and wants this woman to feel some of the pain she is feeling. I get the feeling that if the husband knew it might force my mums husband into moving out sooner and thus enabling my mum to start to put her life back together.

I'm just not sure if I would be making a huge mistake? My mums husband is constantly posting things on Facebook that this OW comments on. It's clear they think they are very clever covertly flirting whe nobody has any idea. I did actually reply to one telling them to take their sordid affair off of Facebook and OW quickly deleted her posts. So she is obviously worried people may find out.

badinage Tue 16-Apr-13 13:07:14

Then don't do it.

Focus on helping your mum and your brother and getting this lovesick drain out of the house, without financial loss to your family.

TimeIsACurrency Tue 16-Apr-13 13:11:03

So sorry your mum (and family) are going through this. Just checking, but has she opened accounts in just her name and arranged to have her wages transferred to that new account? She needs full legal advice but please be careful about telling OW husband. I totally understand why your mum wants to do it, but just be prepared for the nastiness that will could come from your step-father/OW/their friends and family as a result.

PlainBefuddled Tue 16-Apr-13 13:35:14

I had an EA and the wife contacted my DH, though after I had told him. She then ranted on to him, wrote emails and texted as she wanted him to divorce me etc This is when she kept her own husband on and is still married to him a decade later. If the couple ever come up in conversation now, my DH talks of how much he can't stand her as she tried to manipulate him into leaving our marriage that he wanted to stay in. He thinks she wanted him to punish me for wronging her and so lost all credibility to him.

Just to add, I still feel extremely remorseful and wish I had had the Relationships board, with all the insight 10 years ago and i still very much regret what happened.

sleeton Tue 16-Apr-13 14:06:01

I do get the impression PlainBefuddled that you are not so remorseful as to prevent you telling the tale in a fashion that presents the wronged wife in rather a poor light.

You say that she ranted, wrote emails and texted your husband and tried to manipulate him into leaving your marriage, yet you then go on to say you are extremely remorseful and still very much regret what happened.

Did you mean to present this woman (who you and her husband wronged) in such a poor light? That's not very remorseful.

I think her actions were futile, but understandable under those circumstances. It was not she who had a relationship that had the potential to destroy your husband. It was you.

Angelico Tue 16-Apr-13 14:36:21

I would drop the bomb but then I know I would be a 'hell hath no fury' type if it ever happened to me. I'm sorry your mum's DH is being such a cunt. And Sleeton I agree with your every word above.

TheOwlService Tue 16-Apr-13 16:41:12

I would definitely NOT do this. You dont know what it would unleash and at the end of the day is very unlikely to make your mum feel better for longer than 2 minutes.

Plus, like you said you dont need the stress.

eccentrica Tue 16-Apr-13 16:49:42

^^this. To Angelico and sleeton

I'd want to be told if I were him. If he should get very angry with her, well, diddums.

Plainbefuddled "my DH talks of how much he can't stand her as she tried to manipulate him into leaving our marriage that he wanted to stay in."

Congratulations, sounds like you won all round. What a bitch she is hmm

Autumn12 Tue 16-Apr-13 21:39:28

Thanks for all of the replies. I'm actually finding it all a bit of a strain. Unfortunately my mum doesn't have any friends so I am the only person she has to talk to about it all.

Tenacity Wed 17-Apr-13 03:09:54

Why don't you direct your mum onto this section Autumn? She will find tonnes of advice from previous posts or she can start a new one here?

EugenesAxe Wed 17-Apr-13 03:29:40

I completely agree with AuntieStella - don't do out of spite but out of respect for the guy's feelings, in a frank and non-ranty way.

If OW is in any way trying to hide it begs the question whether her heart is in the breakaway relationship with your step-dad. It might end with him begging for forgiveness & asking to be taken back. I agree this would be a good way to force people's hands into definite action, and end your DM's torment.

NotTreadingGrapes Wed 17-Apr-13 06:50:49

Your Mum needs to channel her energies into herself, and finding her own way through this.

Contacting in any way the woman's husband will achieve nothing. For anybody.

No wronged wife on this planet has ever contacted the other woman's husband for an altruistic reason.

I second the idea of suggesting to your Mum that she looks on here, she will get step by step advice on how to proceed legally.

Autumn12 Wed 17-Apr-13 08:57:44

I'd love her to come on here but she's not really much of an Internet user.
I just wish she had some friends that she could lean on a bit .

Lucylloyd13 Wed 17-Apr-13 13:11:43

She who embrarks upon a journey of revenge should be prepared to dig two graves.

You have no business in interfering with your parents realtionship. Support your mother yes. Let your father know that you disapprove, by all means. But third party interference is awash with unintended consequences.

If your father wants this woman, and she wants him, then they should do what is required. If your mother is tolerating this relationship she should not, and force your father's hand.

You are unlikely to have the full story of your parents relationship from both sides, you have no idea of the state of the OW's relationship. If you think you can dip in, make waves, and then dip out, you are mistaken.

Autumn12 Wed 17-Apr-13 13:13:50

He is not my father.

Where have I said I want to dip in make waves and then dip out?

Lucylloyd13 Wed 17-Apr-13 13:40:45

Autumn, I am sorry, I assumed that your mothers husband was your father. So he is your step father? How has your relationship been with him? Do you have any influence?

If you are contemplating contacting an unknown man to tell him that his wife is unfaithful I assume you had not intended an ongoing relationship thereafter- hence "dipping in and dipping out".

The pivotal person here is your mother. Helping her to make the right decision is your best bet, and one you can best influence. If that means her ending the marriage, fair enough.

You risk precipitating a situation where your mother's husband and this woman could be thrown together by your actions, with her husband and children casting you as the meddlsome villain of the piece.It is not a risk I would want to take.

DontmindifIdo Wed 17-Apr-13 13:45:18

I actually think the OW's DH should be told as I said earlier, not because your mum should be after revenge, but because this poor man should know what's about to hit him.

think about it this way, your Mum's H hasn't actually left yet, but is in conversation with OW possibly about her leaving with him. Your Mum has this time to go get advice (please, please get her to talk to a solicitor) - get herself prepared and in a strong position.

This man has no idea what's going on. His wife might one day just tell him and deliver it as a done deal. He has no time to prepare, work out his position, and is possibly trying his hardest to save his marriage with no idea why his wife is being odd with him.

Tell him, not to get revenge and then don't badger him to do anything in particular with that, but it's not fair to withold this information from him.

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 17-Apr-13 13:50:17

As I said the OW's H was very grateful that I told him - and no, I did not tell him because I wanted revenge, but because having been wronged, I knew I would have liked to be told what was really happening in my marriage.

Autumn12 Wed 17-Apr-13 15:24:49

Just to make it clear I have no intention of telling this man myself. All I could do would be to aid my mother in finding contact details for him if she decided that she wanted to tell him.

I suppose he is technically my stepfather, but he met my mother when I was already an adult so I have never regarded him in that way. We have always got on well but after how he has behaved I have no intention of continuing a relationship with him.

I understand that I do not know all of the in's and outs of their marriage, and I also know my mother can be a difficult woman. However, he ought to have handled exiting the marriage in a much better way. She has been completely blindsided becuase he has never discussed his unhappiness with her, he has just presented it as a fait accompli that he no longer loves her and is not prepared to try to work on any issues. He is now refusing to move out and is rubbing my mothers nose in his affair daily. She feels that she has to sit and take it as she has made a promise to my younger brother that she will not fight with his Dad so as not to disrupt his GCSE revision.

To top it off he seems to now be trying to paint my mother in a bad light to my brother. If the OW's husband and children find out about the affair and it throws them together then good as it may mean he will move out sooner.

DontmindifIdo Wed 17-Apr-13 15:39:26

I think if the OW's DH finds out, it might not throw your step-dad and her together, but might mean her DH makes her chose and she choses him. At least then it might make your step dad realise what he's doing/risking losing - at the moment he's in control and has everything, his DW and family trying to make him happy, his affair for fun, he gets to decide what happens when - if the OW's DH knows, then your step-father stops being the one in control, and will be forced to face the mess he's made.

Personally, I think your mother needs good legal advice, and start planning for throwing him out once your DB's GCSEs are over. If she can't afford the rent on her own, give notice on the house and look for something cheaper etc. She needs to start planning for life without him - he might beg her to take him back and she decides to give him a second chance, but knowing that she can cope without him would be a good start for her to feel more in control too.

Autumn12 Wed 17-Apr-13 15:55:28

It's actually a council house so she won't find anywhere cheaper, but I have told her to see a solicitor. I think she may be entitled to some of his pension which would help.

I don't think there's a chance in hell he will want to stay with my mother, but sadly I do sometimes suspect that she may be hoping for that to happen though she doesn't admit so.

badinage Wed 17-Apr-13 15:56:23

He probably didn't discuss any 'unhappiness' with her because there was none, on his part at least.

I think there's another myth at large here too. That the presence of two parents in a house during GCSEs is requisite to good results. Even if there is tension so high you could take a match to it and even if one of the parents is being cruel and acting like a lovesick teenager.

What GCSE students need most is a place of calm and peace, not a warzone of seething resentment.

The truth is, if OW left her own relationship in the next few weeks, your stepdad would bugger off in a heartbeat, even if it was the night before his son's first examination. If your mum gets him out now, she can control the timing and your brother would have at least a few weeks to get used to it before the first exams in May.

Autumn12 Wed 17-Apr-13 15:57:56

Yes nail on head Badinage. He is really staying because it suits him as he has nowhere to go.

badinage Wed 17-Apr-13 16:07:24

Honestly the best thing for her own self respect and also her son's welfare is to get this texting, lovesick drain out of the house and tell him she wouldn't take him back even if he begged.

She doesn't have to mean that of course, although it would be great if she did.

But funnily enough, if there's any chance of this idiot coming to his senses and realising what he stands to lose, it will only happen when he loses his safety net. And while I wish more women would permanently dump men who treat them like this, I do know a few very silly men and women who've lost their heads for a time in midlife crisis affairs and who've repaired their relationships. But all of their partners got tough, didn't stand for any nonsense and only then did they start to 'get it'.

Autumn12 Wed 17-Apr-13 16:12:27

I completely agree and have told her all of this. She is a very dependent person and I am finding it a little bit frustrating that she is being so passive about it all. I am trying to help and be supportive but would also like to give her a massive kick up the arse.

badinage Wed 17-Apr-13 16:14:34

If she starts her own thread here, I'm available for kicking purposes wink

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