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Telling the OW's husband?

(68 Posts)
Autumn12 Tue 16-Apr-13 09:52:39

My mother has recently discovered that her husband is 'in love' with a work colleague and wants to end their marriage. This all came about from seemingly nowhere and she is devastated. He is refusing to move out and so she is having to put up with him sleeping on her sofa each night whilst constantly texting his OW.

He is being a complete dick. He refused to give her access to their joint account until she sought advice from the CAB. He also seems to be telling her things that just aren't appropriate like how he is changing his hours at work to be the same as his OW's. He has always been a nice man so this personality change is shocking.

The OW is married with 3 kids. At this point it seems her husband has no idea that all of this is going on. So my mum and young brothers lives have been destroyed overnight but this woman gets to keep her nice little life. Would it be wrong of me to assist my mum in finding a way of contacting OW's husband to let him know of this affair?

My mum is understand my very angry and wants this woman to feel some of the pain she is feeling. I get the feeling that if the husband knew it might force my mums husband into moving out sooner and thus enabling my mum to start to put her life back together.

I'm just not sure if I would be making a huge mistake? My mums husband is constantly posting things on Facebook that this OW comments on. It's clear they think they are very clever covertly flirting whe nobody has any idea. I did actually reply to one telling them to take their sordid affair off of Facebook and OW quickly deleted her posts. So she is obviously worried people may find out.

thegreylady Tue 16-Apr-13 09:57:01

In this case I would tell her husband your poor mum can't but you can. I'd tell your mum and her oh that you are doing it and don't be dissuaded.

Ahhhcrap Tue 16-Apr-13 10:01:52

I know many will tell her not to, but it might be worth finding out his details and using this to ensure her husband starts behaving more amicably to her. Such as access to the joint account and moving his sorry arse out if the house.

When I found out my dh was having an affair I never contacted the ow, or her h, to this day I don't think he knows, so I completely understand when you say 'I want her to feel the same pain' hmm it's the one thing I do regret never doing tbh, but, there maybe unknown repercussions of doing so.

AuntieStella Tue 16-Apr-13 10:06:16

Telling out of vengeance is a bad idea - your DM is in a lot of pain, but wanting to hurt the other innocent party in this sorry mess is a questionable motivation.

But, if there is a kinder motivation, such as believing (really believing) that the other betrayed spouse deserves the truth about their life and marriage then it may be the right thing to do. Once certain tipping points are reached, discovery is nigh on inevitable anyway.

Roopoo Tue 16-Apr-13 10:08:05

Your poor mum.
I would say tell the OW's husband. If it was me I would want to know.

OhLori Tue 16-Apr-13 10:11:25

Basically, if your DM wants to get him out, I think she needs to see where she stands legally i.e. see a proper solicitor specialising in matrimonial law/divorce pronto.

Autumn12 Tue 16-Apr-13 10:14:34

That's it I don't want any repercussions on me as I'm pregnant and don't need the stress.
I'm not sure mums husband would respond to blackmail. The situation with him staying at the marital home is complicated. My mum can't afford to pay the rent and bills alone. Husband earns very little and most if his income is in the form of an army pension for disability so may not count as income for her to claim against. Also my brother is mid GCSE'S and has said that he wants his dad to stay unt they are finished. My mum feels obliged to keep the peace as she doesn't want to feel responsible for disrupting my brother during this important time.

If she tells the OWs husband herself she thinks her husband will go mad. He has already told her she is not to ruin someone's marriage! ( the fucking cheek!). Obviously rows at home would not be good for my brother at this stage and she has promised him she won't fight with his dad in front of him. I know this is ridiculous and my brother shouldn't have so much power at his age but there's nothing I can do about that.

Autumn12 Tue 16-Apr-13 10:17:46

I think that her motivation is more to hurt the OW. At the moment she lives in her nice house, her children have their family unit ( and her own son can do his GCSE's without this stress) and she also has the thrill of her 'love' affair on the side.

I'm not saying its right but I totally understand her feelings.

Roopoo Tue 16-Apr-13 10:20:28

No maybe not right but I can understand her reasonings. Her world has been devastated yet the OW is having her cake and eating it.

DontmindifIdo Tue 16-Apr-13 10:21:07

Have you given your dad a piece of yoru mind and told him he needs to move out ASAP? I would give my dad the full force of my temper for treating my mum like this.

However, if I was you, I'd do whatever I could to track down the OW's DH and tell him myself, or tell your dad that you are going to do this, but if he moves out ASAP you'll give him and his OW until Monday to tell him themselves.

Be warned, this might be the point when it all comes crashing down round your dad, if OW knows he's told his wife already but she hasn't made any move to tell her DH, I think she's clearly alraedy made her choice, and it's not your dad.

DontmindifIdo Tue 16-Apr-13 10:22:52

Oh just realised it's not your dad, still, you could easily force him out if you say you are going to tell the OW's DH. What can he do to stop you? He needs to leave, give him until this weekend or you'll force the issue.

Get your Mum to get some advise about the benefits she's entitled too if he leaves.

Autumn12 Tue 16-Apr-13 10:31:54

She has had advice and earns slightly too much to get substantial help. She is a low earner and could pay the rent and bills but wouldn't have enough money for food, clothes, travel, debts etc. she doesn't want to give up working and live on benefits. CSA payments from husband would be a pittance based on his low salary. He has said he won't pay their debts that are in her name only.

He seems to think he will get a council flat which seems unlikely to me?
He actually maintains he has not had an affair but in one week it has gone from him admitting he loved this OW , hadn't loved my mum in years but had not cheated to suddenly OW feels the same but hasn't made any decisions about the future. I'm sorry but its bullshit that he hasn't been screwing this woman.

I have emailed him only to ask him to be sensitive to the effect on my brother. He promised to make him his priority but I don't see how he is really.

DontmindifIdo Tue 16-Apr-13 10:37:39

OK, look at ways she could get help, if they are married, then the settlement won't just be child support, both debts and assets of the marriage will be devided up, he might find he has no choice but to pay those debts - see if she can see a solicitor, not just someone about benefits to see where she would stand in relation to a settlement on top of her child support.

I think telling the OW's DH or even just telling the OW that you will would be enough, your Mum's H is still in a bubble where he's in control, but obviously knows she won't pick him if her marriage blows apart. In fact, it could well be he won't pick her and take on her 3 DCs, so while he doesn't want your mum, he doesn't want to face the responsibility of taking on someone else's family either.

Time to reduce his choices - if he really doesn't want OW's DH to know, tell him to leave the family home or you'll have no choice but to force the situation to a head.

OhLori Tue 16-Apr-13 10:38:33

I am not convinced that telling the OW will make any difference to your DM's housing situation. Probably the reason your DF has not moved is because he is financially "stuck" too and unrelated to the affair. I still think your DM needs full legal and benefit advice.

I also understand about GCSEs and waiting till they're over, its not long now is it? Your DM could still use the time positively, gathering information and strategies. Its hard though - I remember waiting 3 weeks for an ex to leave, and it was a really awful time. But hopefully your DM is older and wiser and can bide her time to get what she wants.

Autumn12 Tue 16-Apr-13 10:51:03

I just think it must be unbearable for my mum. Just over a week ago she thought she had a loving husband. Now she has a man that is being cruel and blatantly texting and going to meet the OW while my mum sits there sobbing. I've no idea why he is telling her details like him changing his working hours to match OW's or that OW loves him too. It almost seems like he is so excited by it all and expects my mum to be pleased for him?

He has also spent £100 of the family money on taking OW out for a meal. That's a massive amount of money for them, meanwhile my mum can't even top up her mobile.

Personally I think it's his problem if he has to sleep in his car but I am a lot feistier than my mum and would have thrown him out straight away.

I don't really get the GCSE'S thing as the damage has been done. My brother knows the situation and the atmosphere must be terrible. I'm not sure how he will be able to revise with my mum sobbing away on the sofa while her husband flaunts his happiness in her face. I also think that my brother is probably hoping it will blow over and he will keep his family unit if his dad doesn't leave.

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 16-Apr-13 10:55:10

Yes I would tell OW's H.

To my regret, I left this for several months before telling OW's H - he was very grateful that I had told him as it meant everything clicked into place. I would be factual and provide evidence if you can.

Viviennemary Tue 16-Apr-13 11:00:11

I do think this OW's husband should be told. But make sure this affair isn't all in your dad's mind as the OW doesn't sound very committed.

Autumn12 Tue 16-Apr-13 11:05:19

It's not in his mind unfortunately. I've had my suspicions for a while due to the Facebook flirting. My mum says that he has been attached at the hip to his phone too and that his behaviour had changed in what I recognise to be all the classic ways. My mum also found emails arranging the meal they went out on last week.

DontmindifIdo Tue 16-Apr-13 11:16:42

Well, I'd also suggest she gets to see a solicitor if she hasn't yet, most will give the first 30 minutes for free, so she could ask if she'd have a claim on his pension and if he could be made to pay the debts that are in her name. If she's only seen people who specialise in benefits and child support claims, they might be basing their advice of what she's entitled to for that, not what she'd be entitled too in terms of spousal maintenance. Pensions are usually counted for divorce settlements, it not by the CSA.

If you have the space, it might be good if you cuold offer to have your DB to stay while his exams are on, give him a quiet, calm environment to study in, and tell his school what's going on.

And yes, the OW's DH should know - your mum's H is acting like a lovestruck teenager because he's not being forced to face the reality of what's going on, the OW is nicely in a bubble too - time to burst that bubble. Plus, that poor bloke, trying to work out what's going on, he must know there's something wrong. He might be blaming himself, or trying to 'fix' this relationship, but with only about 10% of the relivant information. He has 3 DCs, his 'D'W is cheating (at least emotionally, if not physically) and is talking to someone else about possibly leaving him - he has no time to prepare himself, get advice himself, he is just waiting for your Step-Dad and the OW to decide they have their new life's sorted befor he'll be informed, or she'll decide she doesn't want your Step-Dad and then this poor bloke might never be told what was that went wrong, still thinking it was his mistake.

badinage Tue 16-Apr-13 11:32:15

Your brother might say he wants his dad to stay until the GCSEs are over, but the tension in the house must be unbearable and it sounds like his dad is more interested in his affair than his son's revision plans hmm
What your brother is really saying is that he doesn't want any big changes, but that's because change is always assumed to be bad and what he really wants most isn't on offer; a dad who is putting the family first and not his own pleasures. This idiotic drain of a man moving out might give the household the peace they crave.

In general, I'm all for people being told when they are being deceived and conned as long as the people doing the telling do it personally and with some thought and care for the person hearing the news. What I can't bear in these situations are people who do it anonymously or by letters, messages or e mails. If you've got the info, have the courage to own it.

Machli Tue 16-Apr-13 11:33:37

To get him out I would certainly tell her DH.

Pigsmummy Tue 16-Apr-13 11:34:23

If you want some action then tell her to ring the bank and pretend that her and her husband have lost all all their bank cards and cancel the lot, See how he feels about joint account then?

Autumn12 Tue 16-Apr-13 12:48:04

Unfortunately I live too far for my brother to stay and still attend school. I did pick him up last week and have him for 2 nights when it all kicked off.

I'm going to speak to my mum later and ask if she definitely wants to tell the other husband. The only way to do so would be via Facebook message I'm afraid as we don't know him at all but have deduced who he is via Facebook.

badinage Tue 16-Apr-13 12:57:08

If that really is the only way then I wouldn't do it. You have no idea what position the person is in on the other side of the screen or the phone. They could become suicidal or violent and in general, if someone's going to get a shock at another person's hands, that person has a duty of care even to a stranger.

Autumn12 Tue 16-Apr-13 13:04:43

That is the only way I could do it. Like I said I don't know them and don't live near any of them anyway.

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