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Thirty years

(935 Posts)
fuckitybollocks Tue 16-Apr-13 06:23:04

My husband had an affair 5 years ago. He has not been 'in love' with me since. I have really struggled, living with the man you love who does not feel the same way is soul destroying. We have two teenage children so at least we have been together with them. He would continue like this although he is not happy. He says he does not really know what he wants. At the weekend I told him I did not want to live with someone who dies not feel the same way about me. He says he loves me but cannot remember when he was in ,I've with me. He has a neurological issue which affects his memory especially biographical memory and that really does not help.

We are currently hiding the fact that one of us sleeps on the sofa from the children. I can't do that anymore as I have hurt my back. He has not done anything about finding somewhere to live. He does not really want to I don't think. He does not have someone else now, he hasn't for a long while so would prefer us to live together, us being all of us. I think he thinks I will capitulate and he will be able to stay with us for longer.

This is so very very hard. I am crying at times, not when the children are around, he hugs me. He hates seeing me upset. He says he loves me, cares for me. When he had his girlfriend he experienced that infatuated soul mate type relationship. Of course a wife of 30 years cannot match that. He does not value that total love and loyalty that comes with time and family. He says he does not think about me and look forward to seeing me. I know he would stay if he could, he does not really want to have all the hassle if finding somewhere to live etc and he does want to be with children. I am so lonely. Being friends sleeping together (he does not want sex with me often at all) is so souk destroying. I don't blame him for not wanting me, I smell of fags and he hates that, I have always smoked but the smell of me has become really horrid for him and I understand tht. I quit for nearly three months last year and am gearing up to try again. When I didn't smoke he did not want me more though.

This situation can't continue. One child is gearing up for his gcses next month. I do not want children to see this train wreck. I feel so pathetic and selfish messing things up because it is hard living with someone who is not in love with me. Until this crisis he has not told me he loves me at all for months. Valentines day for the first time was just a card. I had chosen a present or him. Two actually although one was not delivered in time.

When he has affair I did not cope. I was very depressed and ended up unable to work. I know I will not do that this time (although am off suck fir a few days while this back pain dies down). He does not respect me, I have behaved badly and been very weal and feeble. Not now though. I am never going into that depression again. I am very unhappy but not depressed and there us a big difference. He might be depressed though. He certainly feels as though there is little point o life.

I am not sure why I am writing this. What if anything anyone can say. I just feel so alone and a bit scared.

fuckitybollocks Fri 21-Jun-13 06:22:26

Done. Another night on my own. Going to my friends tomorrow morning which will be a relief. Hoping to see my make friend this eve after work for a few mins. Can you imagine he asked life we should go out to dinner tonight?!

Am thinking an engrossing film and then bed, he will stay on sofa obviously. Any ideas for film?

Jux Fri 21-Jun-13 08:43:53

We just saw The Awakening, very tense and scary, but I'm a wuss. May not be the best for you atm though. What sort of genres do you like?

fuckitybollocks Fri 21-Jun-13 08:59:20

Rom com type stuff! Ha ha!

Am thinking quartet as have that to watch, or even a rewatch of Schindlers list. Son number three is watching that at school right now so I would like to be ale to talk it through with him.

I am wuss film wise so drama I guess.

Ooo. Son mentioned identify thief, any one seen it?

Trip for weekend postponed, I will be ok though. Am having a tough day so far today.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Fri 21-Jun-13 09:04:25

Real shame your w/e plan has fallen through sad

You are NOT a wuss, you are a hero smile

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 21-Jun-13 09:22:16

Focus on you, focus on your sons. Going out to dinner tonight? confused Mr Sensitivity. Glad you are finding alternative things to do. Let him sort himself out. I still don't think it's a good idea for him to stay at your sister's. If my DSis were in your shoes I'd be going round to her place to bolster her and hug my nephews not opening my house to treat her H like an honoured guest/sad puppy eyed waif.

Jux Fri 21-Jun-13 09:50:07

Have you seen Saving Grace? It's not rom com, but is wonderfully life affirming, full of hope, feel good, and funny.

Jux Fri 21-Jun-13 09:54:39

Sorry your w/e plans have fallen through.

If I were in your position I would tell my sister that I need her help and support, and that putting my h up under these circumstances would feel like a slap in the face. Then I'd remind her that he has family and they will support nd help him, and that I hoped that my family would help and support me....

Are there any foods you love but don't often have as h doesn't like them? I'd be eating that tonight.

horsetowater Fri 21-Jun-13 09:55:54

I don't want him to go to my sister. I would rather he stayed here than that.

Why?

AgathaF Fri 21-Jun-13 10:20:28

I wouldn't want him going to my sister either. I think it's a bit odd of her to offer, TBH.

It's a shame about your weekend plans for going away. Could you take yourself off for a night or two somewhere? Not sure where you live, but maybe the coast?

Has he given you a date for when his house/flat will be ready? Do you believe he has somewhere lined up?

Hope today gets better for you.

cjel Fri 21-Jun-13 11:03:42

Sorry to hear you are struggling. It doesn't have to get nasty though. try and stay calm and focused. Do anything you need to get through these last few days while hes here, although drinking too much not good! glad boys are still ok with it all,have you got one person you trust that you can waffle to?
Does your mum know yet?
HOw are you feeling now?

fuckitybollocks Fri 21-Jun-13 16:45:03

Hi mum knows, I have done my best to reassure her...

All being well estate agent wise we should know by the end of today if he has a place from 4th that he wants, if that does not come off second best he can actually move in earlier.

I feel quite tough today, weepy yesterday but ok so far (although still at work ATM).

I don't want him going to my sister for lots of reasons, she is not my greatest fan being one of them. It just does not feel comfortable. She loves the boys and is offering for their sake I am sure, it just does not feel right at all.

Being at home is not as bad now thAt boys and everyone else know. The boys are being great and it is all very open. Keeping the secret was awful so relieved that is done.

Food...will think on that one.

AgathaF Fri 21-Jun-13 18:31:14

I bet your boys are relieved that 'whatever it was' is in the open now. They can talk to you about it if they want etc, etc. I hope that having that most difficult of conversations out of the way has lightened the load for you a little.

cjel Fri 21-Jun-13 21:13:21

glad you feel ok, How did it go with estate agent?

fuckitybollocks Fri 21-Jun-13 23:17:12

It has agatha, the atmosphere her is much better. It was the most important hurdle. Telling the boys is far more meaningful than any amount of lawyer stuff

It appears there is no flat news. Will address that tomorrow. In this very weird situation of anniversary and divorce I want to leave things be. I am about to sleep. He remains downstairs so don't worry. I am CMOS to saying he can sleep here but so far am ok with not. I do like sleeping with him though. Even the discussion of the bbc news on the iPad first thing. Oh well. Not to worry.

cjel Fri 21-Jun-13 23:28:52

No, you are right all will be well and don't worry!! I think like you say now its out in the open it is real and will be harder for him to provaricate. hope you get a really good rest tonight with or without him by your side!!xx

wonderingagain Sat 22-Jun-13 00:28:18

So glad the clouds have lifted for you. Well done. smile

cjel Sat 22-Jun-13 08:48:57

Morning, hoping you have a productive, peaceful day.x

fuckitybollocks Sat 22-Jun-13 09:47:07

Without. I resisted the temptation to ask him up.

The estate agent has made an appointment for him to see the flat he prefers Monday.

Have chosen new bed linen and will ask him to pay. He can have our current ones which are really soft and nice so not a horrible swop. Have also chosen bed frame, so am asking for a huge amount of money. I will go shopping to choose a mattress. I have also asked for Lino for the bathroom (just chipboard right now).

It sounds grasping but I know he will have to buy everything, he will not want a second hand bed although I am sure he will be ok with most others things (how house is a treasure trove of eBay finds!) and...I want the new bed not him. I have chosen stuff I really like though.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 22-Jun-13 12:11:59

It's a fresh mindset fuckity so a few household items to get him sorted and yourself contemplating a whole new future is money well spent.

Hope your head feels clearer and your heart doesn't leap in your chest every time he walks in the room.

cjel Sun 23-Jun-13 09:34:23

don't feel like you are asking him for a favour. he won't be asking you for what he needs, I don't want to say 'take the b for all you can' in a punishing way because i am not like that and constantly get told i am too nice/soft to him, but your assets are joint and expenses for you both to set up new homes is coming out of the one joint pot.

fuckitybollocks Sun 23-Jun-13 09:47:13

I know you are right. I too would love not to be beholden but I have little choice right now. I was reminded up thread somewhere that I needed to accept money from him for the boys and I will

Nonetheless the bed and linen are much more expensive than any he would have chosen for his flat so it does feel very wicked. This is something that is just for me.

My heart does not jolt when he walks into a room, it does when he touches me though. It is just so sad. He is going to be so alone. I have been trying to think who he might be able to get to help him move and drive can etc. I can't think of anyone. I don't want to do it.

cjel Sun 23-Jun-13 10:10:24

I rented a house bigger than i needed when i first left because i felt the need to be cosseted a bit and i think thats what your new bed is to you. I also wish we didn't have the feeling of 'needing to accept' money they are his boys as well!! I sometimes think that we have gone so far in wanting not to be dependant on men that we forget they should have equal at least responsibility financially. What would happen if you didn't mention about helping him to move and he had to hire a man and van himself? start as you mean to go on( I say that as someone who used to have mine over for a meal to make sure he ate properly after a particularly hard day)
By the way i think you are doing really wellxx

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 23-Jun-13 12:54:32

Hello wickedly sumptuous-new-linen-owning fuckity wink

I bet if you totted up a lot of his treats and pleasures in life you would see he doesn't go short. You are besides earning too. We get so used to thinking about the children's and everyone else's needs.

Wellwobbly Sun 23-Jun-13 20:18:49

Asking you out to dinner...

He is so like Mr Wobbly it isn't funny.

One-armed bandit, giving a little payout to keep you in hope/in line.

I am only ashamed I fell for it for so long. I hope you see through it too, FB.

JustinBsMum Sun 23-Jun-13 20:53:29

Poor DCs living with two such unhappy adults! Or that is how it appears from what you write.

He is being a weak-willed wanker imo. While you are dangling on a string you are not moving on to what could be a busy, fulfilling and happy life.

Start taking babysteps to your new life. People live to a ripe old age nowadays, fb, stub out the fags and make some decisions.

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