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Thirty years

(935 Posts)
fuckitybollocks Tue 16-Apr-13 06:23:04

My husband had an affair 5 years ago. He has not been 'in love' with me since. I have really struggled, living with the man you love who does not feel the same way is soul destroying. We have two teenage children so at least we have been together with them. He would continue like this although he is not happy. He says he does not really know what he wants. At the weekend I told him I did not want to live with someone who dies not feel the same way about me. He says he loves me but cannot remember when he was in ,I've with me. He has a neurological issue which affects his memory especially biographical memory and that really does not help.

We are currently hiding the fact that one of us sleeps on the sofa from the children. I can't do that anymore as I have hurt my back. He has not done anything about finding somewhere to live. He does not really want to I don't think. He does not have someone else now, he hasn't for a long while so would prefer us to live together, us being all of us. I think he thinks I will capitulate and he will be able to stay with us for longer.

This is so very very hard. I am crying at times, not when the children are around, he hugs me. He hates seeing me upset. He says he loves me, cares for me. When he had his girlfriend he experienced that infatuated soul mate type relationship. Of course a wife of 30 years cannot match that. He does not value that total love and loyalty that comes with time and family. He says he does not think about me and look forward to seeing me. I know he would stay if he could, he does not really want to have all the hassle if finding somewhere to live etc and he does want to be with children. I am so lonely. Being friends sleeping together (he does not want sex with me often at all) is so souk destroying. I don't blame him for not wanting me, I smell of fags and he hates that, I have always smoked but the smell of me has become really horrid for him and I understand tht. I quit for nearly three months last year and am gearing up to try again. When I didn't smoke he did not want me more though.

This situation can't continue. One child is gearing up for his gcses next month. I do not want children to see this train wreck. I feel so pathetic and selfish messing things up because it is hard living with someone who is not in love with me. Until this crisis he has not told me he loves me at all for months. Valentines day for the first time was just a card. I had chosen a present or him. Two actually although one was not delivered in time.

When he has affair I did not cope. I was very depressed and ended up unable to work. I know I will not do that this time (although am off suck fir a few days while this back pain dies down). He does not respect me, I have behaved badly and been very weal and feeble. Not now though. I am never going into that depression again. I am very unhappy but not depressed and there us a big difference. He might be depressed though. He certainly feels as though there is little point o life.

I am not sure why I am writing this. What if anything anyone can say. I just feel so alone and a bit scared.

AgathaF Mon 06-May-13 17:48:10

He will only be nice until he gets his own way. I'm sure you can see through him now, so won't let him get his way and stay.

50shadesofgreyhair Mon 06-May-13 18:32:47

You have to be really strong and stick to your guns. You've called his bluff - of course he's being nice. He wants to be able to go when it suits him, and probably leave the door open, in case the grass isn't greener, and return if it suits him. You have to take complete control here. If you are determined to stick it out five weeks, then remain totally detached - and detach some more - and file for divorce. You can do this - you don't need him to leave to do this. Don't worry about where he goes, like other wise posters say, he can go to family, friends, b&b...just focus on your goal. He will try extra hard now to get you back in your little box so he can control you. Tough. I couldn't wait until my ex wanted to go, and chucked him out. Told him he had an hour, he had nowhere to go, but went and slept on friends sofa. I was so adamant nothing would deter me - I told him he had an hour, and if he wasn't gone, I would throw all his clothes onto the front drive. He knew I was determined, and he went. It's hard. But for me, the thought of living in limbo was far, far worse. You can do this. Don't let him weaken you. It's over. You are in control now. Not him.
Good luck. You've come so far, am proud of you! xx

fuckitybollocks Mon 06-May-13 20:46:17

I think it is the pretence that causes me confusion - I feel like I am pretending to be living the life I want(ed?????).

fuckitybollocks Mon 06-May-13 22:17:16

That is not quite right. My head is not confused. I have wanted things to become good for so long, and the requirement for that was me making him happy, ornatnleast avoiding him being unhappy it is hard to shake it. Oh I don't know. Sleep now I think.

fuckitybollocks Tue 07-May-13 07:34:28

I think I have worked it out. I am scared of him going, not because of paying bills or reaching high things off the shelves. Because Ihe has literally been half ipd me for so long. But, I am more scared if him staying now. Fear may not be the best reason for sticking to my guns but it will do for now.

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 07-May-13 07:37:54

You are not responsible for other people's happiness - only your own.

If he is unhappy, only he can address his own issues and problems and it seems he is choosing to solve these by cheating on you.

fuckitybollocks Tue 07-May-13 10:52:03

This morning we had the have a nice day, I will so the kitchen and n attempt at a kiss good bye )one son around). He must really think I am a total walkover. Who can blame him? Not not not this time tho.

Jux Tue 07-May-13 12:08:19

Fear is fine in these circumstances, as long as you aren't scared of him. No Walkover now, are you?!

Do have a nice day!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 07-May-13 12:11:24

You are organised, competent, proactive. Good luck to younger DS with his revision.

fuckitybollocks Wed 08-May-13 22:34:01

I don't feel very competent, or organised right now. I feel railroaded. Will be back tomorrow being strong again but right now I feel pathetic.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 08-May-13 22:49:58

Sometimes we have to fake it 'til we make it. Read a little, rest. Get some sleep, gather strength.

Jux Wed 08-May-13 22:51:23

One thing you are NOT is pathetic! Don't believe it for one instant; that really is not an adjective anyone who has contact with - be it in rl or virtual - would apply to you. Not unless they have ishoos and are your h of course. But you don't need to pay any attention to what he thinks of you because he's a nasty piece of work and not worth taking seriously.

fuckitybollocks Thu 09-May-13 08:43:36

Premenstrual I think. Menopausal so hard to tell. Very low. All of us sat watching apprentice last night. It is sad to think that we are nit a family. He is so stupid. But I thnk he knows that. Leaving has not been mentioned for a couple of days. I have big work thing next week so am doing very long days which are likely to continue over the weekend. Can't face talking to him at all right now. He knows deadline but I am pretty sure he is not doing anything. I don't want to live like this.

AgathaF Thu 09-May-13 09:38:32

fb it will soon improve. The days are going past and the date will come. He probably won't have sorted anything out properly, but he can still move to family and do it from there.

fuckitybollocks Thu 09-May-13 12:45:19

You are right. I just in my mind see it as an line after which their will be nothing of his here and we will be truly separate. Just want it done and quick I guess. I do know it is unlikely to be that simple but also know that if was up to me to sort it would be that simple!

AgathaF Thu 09-May-13 13:34:32

When the date comes (and he has done nothing towards it), would it be possible for you to have a couple of helpful people lined up ready to come and 'help' him to pack quickly and get his stuff to his mother's house? Perhaps a brother, friend, other relative? Just so that it's not you and him having a stand-off about where and when he goes, when actually, the when has been planned for some time?

fuckitybollocks Thu 09-May-13 16:12:59

I will think about that. The priority has to be the boys seeing this in as positive a light as possible. I need to be clear, with myself, about why I can manage.

fuckitybollocks Sat 11-May-13 23:19:27

So sad, I still think that is love here. What a waste. He is now saying he does not know what he wants, i have said I know what i want: not to live with someone who does not love me,

getting dangerous now feeling very scared

AgathaF Sun 12-May-13 06:58:42

Mind games from him again then? He has demonstrated over and over and over what he wants. Actions speak louder than words. Even now, if the thought of splitting up had genuinely brought him to his senses, he would be doing everything he possibly could to prove to you that he can be the partner that you want and deserve. He's not doing that though, is he?

I agree that ideally your boys should see it in as positive a light as possible. However, that requires cooperation from him to get this done with the minimum of fuss and messing around. The alternative is to get it done efficiently and speedily, so he doesn't mess with their young heads like he is doing with yours.

wonderingagain Sun 12-May-13 07:40:57

It's not a waste. That was then, this is now. You have been strong enough to keep the relationship together all these years and you are both part of each other. This is what is making it hard. Having a similarly long relationship that is less than perfect myself, I understand that over time this happens.

So you will have to sever that limb that attaches you and this is probably what's concerning him now - the pain of losing the part of you that is his.

Tell him he'll be fine, tell him he will heal - find a new partner, find a new home, start a new life.

fuckitybollocks Sun 12-May-13 09:47:05

U an really struggling and so cross with myself. Have a huge work thing next week and need to have my wits about me today to prepare and this week. So why now, after a relatively peaceful settled bit am I bloody tearful again? I want to not live him. I really do. He is saying he cannot love me the way I need which neatly makes it my fault for being needy. He says he is not happy in our life so he is going for the ditch it and see if that helps option. I wish he had the energy to put into our life that he does for sport. This is such a waste.

I so want things to be different.

wonderingagain Sun 12-May-13 09:55:01

It's not a waste. It's the end of your marriage. It was OK before, now it isn't. Let it go.

MadBusLady Sun 12-May-13 16:23:28

You'll go through ups and downs, fb - that is totally to be expected. This is probably (I hope anyway) one of the most stressful periods of your life. This unfaithful, emotionally checked-out shadow of your former husband is dangling around playing headgames with you and engaging you in fraught emotional conversations in which he continuously intimates that you're just not good enough for his lurve, while you single-handedly try to get over him and mourn your marriage, keep quiet in front of the boys, organize practicalities of the split AND carry on with all the usual work/socialising/domestic stuff as well. While also worrying, legitimately, that he may not even have the grace to bloody go when it comes to it.

You'll probably look back on this couple of months and wonder why you weren't in tears the whole time.

And please (I am a broken record here), stop talking to him.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 12-May-13 16:33:24

He will twist this so eventually he'll take credit for splitting up, wait and see. "I kept telling fuckity I was so unhappy..... she finally saw sense.... I really couldn't wait to go.... only stayed to make sure DS2 was okay during his exams.... of course she was devastated and I had to make all the big decisions..." blah blah.

When this pantomime is over you will feel like the world is lifted off your shoulders.

fuckitybollocks Sun 12-May-13 21:29:11

Pantomime is the right word but why do I feel like the baddie?

How do I stop this hurting. Spats tonight over the clearing up from the boys - he said at least he would no have to deal with that any more. How come he gets to walk out. How come I get the shit while he gets a shag pad with wall to wall football. How can he do this?

Why wont he even try - too late now but why were we not worth it I dont understand

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