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Thirty years

(935 Posts)
fuckitybollocks Tue 16-Apr-13 06:23:04

My husband had an affair 5 years ago. He has not been 'in love' with me since. I have really struggled, living with the man you love who does not feel the same way is soul destroying. We have two teenage children so at least we have been together with them. He would continue like this although he is not happy. He says he does not really know what he wants. At the weekend I told him I did not want to live with someone who dies not feel the same way about me. He says he loves me but cannot remember when he was in ,I've with me. He has a neurological issue which affects his memory especially biographical memory and that really does not help.

We are currently hiding the fact that one of us sleeps on the sofa from the children. I can't do that anymore as I have hurt my back. He has not done anything about finding somewhere to live. He does not really want to I don't think. He does not have someone else now, he hasn't for a long while so would prefer us to live together, us being all of us. I think he thinks I will capitulate and he will be able to stay with us for longer.

This is so very very hard. I am crying at times, not when the children are around, he hugs me. He hates seeing me upset. He says he loves me, cares for me. When he had his girlfriend he experienced that infatuated soul mate type relationship. Of course a wife of 30 years cannot match that. He does not value that total love and loyalty that comes with time and family. He says he does not think about me and look forward to seeing me. I know he would stay if he could, he does not really want to have all the hassle if finding somewhere to live etc and he does want to be with children. I am so lonely. Being friends sleeping together (he does not want sex with me often at all) is so souk destroying. I don't blame him for not wanting me, I smell of fags and he hates that, I have always smoked but the smell of me has become really horrid for him and I understand tht. I quit for nearly three months last year and am gearing up to try again. When I didn't smoke he did not want me more though.

This situation can't continue. One child is gearing up for his gcses next month. I do not want children to see this train wreck. I feel so pathetic and selfish messing things up because it is hard living with someone who is not in love with me. Until this crisis he has not told me he loves me at all for months. Valentines day for the first time was just a card. I had chosen a present or him. Two actually although one was not delivered in time.

When he has affair I did not cope. I was very depressed and ended up unable to work. I know I will not do that this time (although am off suck fir a few days while this back pain dies down). He does not respect me, I have behaved badly and been very weal and feeble. Not now though. I am never going into that depression again. I am very unhappy but not depressed and there us a big difference. He might be depressed though. He certainly feels as though there is little point o life.

I am not sure why I am writing this. What if anything anyone can say. I just feel so alone and a bit scared.

AgathaF Thu 02-May-13 09:05:28

Good luck with today fb. Was it deliberate mind-fuckery from him that he is home today when you are?

Well, it's a lovely day here, hopefully where you are too. Why not go for a nice long walk, maybe stop off at a coffee shop or take some sandwiches and a flask with you - make a day of it. Avoid being around him somehow, anyway.

Keep on with your plans. Well done for not cracking last night.

fuckitybollocks Thu 02-May-13 09:10:24

He works from home so not deliberate.

I have arranged to meet a friend for a walk, another for a coffee and need to go shopping later. I do need to do some work so can not be out all day but I have bought home the noise reducing headphones I use in a open plan office at work to listen to music through.

Timescale, he knows the deadline. I am worried about him meeting it but will address that when we have this birthday weekend done. I have arranged to go to the cab next Thursday (have an appointment). I done all pension stuff. I have copied bank statements (we moved earlier this year and I want to see for myself how all the pennies were used). I am now looking for the key to my desk so I can keep things locked in there over next few weeks. The builders are here and working on a bedroom at the Monet and we have agreed to change bathrooms ASAP.

It is slow and hard but moving in little bits to ensure that as soon as June 17 comes we will need as little interaction as possible.

AgathaF Thu 02-May-13 10:47:40

You're going in the right direction. Have a good day with your friends.

50shadesofgreyhair Thu 02-May-13 19:16:21

just to check in quickly - echo what Agatha says - you're doing really well xx

fuckitybollocks Thu 02-May-13 20:23:50

We are off... tonight we have had 'I am so down and empty', 'I cant talk', 'I don't know what I want' and when you are upset I want to leave even more.

This pattern has reoccurred so many times even I can spot it now sad

MadBusLady Thu 02-May-13 20:39:38

It's good that you can spot the pattern. But really, stop talking to him! You don't need to be part of these conversations. You don't need to explain yourself, just walk out of the room, go and read or cook dinner. If he tries to follow and force you to talk say "I'm a bit busy at the moment." Non-committal brush-offs.

Please, you'll feel so much better if you take a bit of control.

Doha Thu 02-May-13 20:44:53

What a mind fuck he is !!
He probably doesn't like the fact that you are coping and getting organised, he is losing control and the upper hand.
Just remind him he is getting what he said he wanted ie leaving and not to worry about you being upset cause you are now coping just fine.

Give him a wide berth and carry on being fabulous. I wouldn't be surprised if at some point he changes his mind tho!!!!

fuckitybollocks Thu 02-May-13 22:23:21

My answer was that if he had a problem he had to find a solution. I am unable to be as cruel as he is and have no intention if trying. I aimed at being somewhat less engaged than I am with personal problems at work. I don't want to be upset for him. I can't be upset that he has a wife he dies not love! That would be a step to far even for me who would like him to be happy.

Gosh that still sounds muddled.

MadBusLady Thu 02-May-13 22:55:13

That doesn't sound muddled at all, that sounds like you responded perfectly. smile He's going to have to get used to dealing with his own problems. He's made his bed.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 03-May-13 00:53:17

Very tiring this back and forth, no wonder you feel ground down.Why does he think you can tolerate and sort this when he keeps moving the goalposts and moaning how tough life is for him. "Fix it yourself then H." It'll dawn on him eventually you have had enough.

Glad you got some time apart and have been organising things and adopting a civil but cool approach.

AgathaF Fri 03-May-13 02:34:56

He is so utterly self-indulgent, it's all about him. Keep trying to not engage. Keep on with your plan. These weeks are the worst part, it will start to improve soon.

fuckitybollocks Fri 03-May-13 06:46:21

Another one done. I can't decide whether to keep counts of the days.? I think both younger boys know. Middle son said something that made me worry and youngest son v quiet.

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 03-May-13 07:37:21

You really need to detach properly - that way you won't fall for his manipulations. He is all me, me, me isn't he? Nothing about you at all and no consideration for the DC. What a self absorbed and selfish twat and the sooner he leaves, the better.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 03-May-13 13:22:44

Not to pile on gloom but you can't know what he 'lets slip' or hints at to DCs when you're out of earshot.
It may be wise to plan what to say if any of them ask for reassurance.

fuckitybollocks Fri 03-May-13 14:10:40

I am fairly sure they will not talk to him about this kind if stuff but you are right. It has only been mentioned as something we will so together there is not a plan as such.

I will pick a time to talk it through over the weekend.

50shadesofgreyhair Fri 03-May-13 20:13:15

Yes, detaching is definitely the way forward. Don't engage with him unless its necessary, and stop doing stuff for him in the house. When I chucked ex out, he had to take two weeks worth of dirty washing with him - because in the final weeks, I made a point of not cooking for him, doing his laundry..it's hard, but you really need to put all your energy on you and the kids. He will just drain you, and you need to focus on yourself. Stress is very exhausting, and you need to conserve your energy wisely. Don't make home life comfortable for him. I used to go out of the room when ex walked in - I just avoided him as much as possible. The kids will notice, and they will know more than you think, but if they see you coping, they will cope. And if you keep going as you are - and slowly start to detach and put yourself first - then you will get through this. And your kids will respect you and realise how strong and inspiring you are. You're doing well. x

fuckitybollocks Fri 03-May-13 20:58:42

I do not do his washing, and on the whole have not done it for a long time! Oh and he does not have a clean cricket kit for tomorrow...

Long walk with friend this eve, possibly oldest bestest etc (picture a puke face). He is very very realistic so is a very good person to talk things through with. Unfortunately he thought it was unlikely my husband would have organised, or started organising somewhere to go. I think he is right, if husband does not know what to do he will do nothing. A chastening conversation. I do not want to sort out his accommodation. If I am honest I do not want to even talk about it or ask him what he has done.

I think I will leave tackling this next week. I am sure weekends will be hard, and we have the birthday. In terms of priorities talking to the boys and what we will say needs to be near the top.

fuckitybollocks Sat 04-May-13 18:31:43

A very peaceful day.

Just thought I would post when not feeling in the edge for a change smile.

MadAboutHotChoc Sat 04-May-13 18:33:14

smile that's good to hear

Jux Sun 05-May-13 11:23:37

Fuckitybollocks, you have come a long way since you started this thread, well done. You have done a lot, despite your health issues, and despite your h's constant blocking and manipulations.

I agree with your friend. H is not going to do anything until he is forced to do so. I think you will have to start divorce proceedings before he believes you mean anything. He doesn't take you seriously, so you will have to show him that you really do mean business this time.

I think your boys know. They have probably known for some time sad but they are old enough, and have had some time to steel themselves a bit. They will probably feel relief mostly that the separation of their parents has actually happened - when it does - so that they can think clearly about other things. They also have each other; it's a very strong support network, the one amongst siblings (unless they hate each other, and I don't get that impression from you).

I think that if h were to go now, the rest of you would all feel a lot better immediately.

I hope the w/e goes well, and happy birthday to your son. thanks to you. You can and will get this done. Trust yourself and your boys.

fuckitybollocks Sun 05-May-13 11:54:31

Thank you. I needed that. Feeling sad (not teary all is calm) at the moment. I feel very lonely. Still, big family meal for birthday later; that will buck me up.

AgathaF Mon 06-May-13 07:08:01

I agree with Jux that he needs a strong, clear signal of your intention to follow through with all of this. The only signal left really is to start divorce proceedings. I know you want to wait until after GCSEs to make it official, and hopefully you will still be able to do that, although if your children have got wind of it, then the kindest thing might be to be open with them anyway.

Having said that, I would say don't worry about him not having accommodation prepared. When the date comes, he can go to his mums and make sort accommodation from there. He will need to take his belongings with him, obviously, so that he is clear that it is not just for a couple of weeks until you soften, and you will need to be strict about only contacting him or taking his calls etc if it is to discuss chidlren. Make sure he knows that is what you expect if he has not sorted anything out before.

I'm glad you have friends to talk this through with who are (hopefully) trustworthy. I hope you enjoyed your family meal too.

fuckitybollocks Mon 06-May-13 16:06:39

Ok just as predicted he is now being really nice. And, no, I do not go out of my way to give him opportunities but sharing a house with building work taking place and three boys all makes interaction pretty inevitable.

I am trying to keep my distance, it is only five weeks and I ought to be able to do that civilly. I really have the impression he does not want to leave, but 'know' he does not want to be with me. Trying really hard not to lose sight of how horrible it is to live with someone who does not love me.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 06-May-13 16:39:02

He is predictable and thinks a bit of soft soap makes up for coasting along like a surly housemate or critical passenger who knows he can be as rude and churlish as he likes then ups his game now and then enough so as not to get cast out.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 06-May-13 16:59:08

How typically selfish and manipulative - he really wants to have his cake and eat it doesn't he?

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