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Controlling behaviour - Seeking advice as i have no where to turn

(107 Posts)
tweedlezee Mon 15-Apr-13 11:03:33

OK, so here I am. confused and alone with no where to turn or so it feels. Wondered if the good ship mums net could sail me away to a happier place. I am going to be brutally honest and I really hope someone else out there is too.
So DP and I have 2 kids. We were together about a year before I got pregnant. when I got pregnant he couldn't have been happier.
not long after, he said a couple of odd things which stick in my mind. he sort of accused me of maybe being pregnant by someone else. this stayed with me all through my pregnancy and it was a huge relief when my son came out looking exactly like his dad. so I moved out of my gorgeous flat and into his stinking flat to save money. I had SPD through my pregnancy and so really couldn't move/walk/turn over in bed. I ate a lot and became quite depressed. he used to get really frustrated with me. telling me I should do more but when I offered things up to do, he never wanted to do them with me. He used to want me to go out clubbing but didn't understand why I felt it wan't appropriate., I felt I could do nothing right and I could not please him. despite working 40 hours a week, saving like mad and cooking. cleaning for him.
We moved into a new house and my son was born. I developed post-natal depression as I had limited support from family (who live v.far away) and my DP was building his business. I became pregnant again, just as I felt I was getting myself back. my SPD became too much by the time I was 6 months pregnant. I couldn't stand and me and DS spent a lot of time at home watching telly. I could just about stand up long enough to make tea for DS and DP. DP used to get frustrated with me as I cried a lot due to being immobile/working 25 hours a week and looking after a 1 yr old.
DP can be quite stand off-ish with my friends. has been known to tell me that if I keep 'speaking my mind' then my friends will 'not like me anymore'. My friends are amazing. He has also been known to be rude about my parents and I find myself joining and feeling bad about them coming over because he seems uncomfortable with them around.
I am confused.
He feels controlling but he tells me I am controlling. I have wanted to return to work but he has said that his job is more important. he wont agree to giving me some money everyweek saying I should just be able to ask for it. HE is always late and makes me late even though I want to be on time. he seems to know it will upset me and tells me I am being stupid. he tells me I am mad whenever w e fight and ignores my feelings. he also says he worries about the kids with me but leaves them at home with me everyday and wont sacrifice the growth of his business. I am confused. I am alone. I don't want to talk to my friend too much as I don't want them to think ill of him or to feel to protective of me as its is awkward for them. Please help.

myroomisatip Tue 20-Aug-13 21:07:58

{{hugs}} to you.

I only found the courage to leave when the balance was tipped between being scared of leaving and being scared of living the rest of my life like that!

Have you been in touch with the local D.V. unit at the police station?

You will get through this, hopefully sooner rather than later! Please keep posting smile

And as said upthread, please do not fall for his niceness... My ex was like that, nice, nice, nice, NASTY, nice, nice..... etc.... Did my head in!

I ended up self harming, on AD's, I had counselling several times, CBT, I begged a psychiatrist to 'put me away', I so wanted to get away from him. Honestly, it really does get worse. Well I can only speak for my own experience. sad

foolonthehill Tue 20-Aug-13 20:56:51

You don;t have to stay, you could if necessary walk out to your local police station with your DC and be rehomed either in temporary accommodation or the local refuge.

it depends what happens next.

venting here is good, but don't let the frustration make you more stuck than you are

tweedlezee Tue 20-Aug-13 20:45:07

yeh I am on the housing register already so I will have to get in touch with them and see if it changes my status. gee whizz. and I have to sleep in the same house as him. (screams at ceiling)!

LoisPuddingLane Tue 20-Aug-13 20:43:01

What about your homeless persons unit at the council? You may end up in a hostel or something though.

smile thanks jacey
Tweedle the council will put you off from applying for housing to be sure but that doesn't mean you can't apply.

tweedlezee Tue 20-Aug-13 20:39:55

I just need to find somewhere to run to. all my friends have small homes without space for kids. tomorrow afternoon I will try to speak tot he local housing associations and see what they can do. I guess I am technically homeless. Thing is I have got on a course I REALLY want to do and so I need to stay in the area to do it. I am loathe to put it off another year because that is what I did last year.

shadesofwhite Tue 20-Aug-13 20:28:07

You seriously need to leave the Bastard! Please don't let a 'one night prince charming smile' win you back into more abuse. He knows how to hook you back and he seems to be doing it. Forget everything else, take your beautiful children away from that environment. Run like the wind and Don't look back.

JaceyBee Tue 20-Aug-13 20:26:50

It's a 2.5 year programme, I'm finishing the PG Dip part in January and starting the diss in April/May. Hopefully! It's 20,000 words! Plus I work 25 hours a week and am a single mum so it's gonna be no social life for me for a while!

Massive respect to you doing social work, I have such admiration for you guys. Tough job. Best of luck with everything smile

LoisPuddingLane Tue 20-Aug-13 20:21:05

You don't deserve it. Sorry if this has been covered (I'm cooking and can't leave the pan...) but can Women's Aid help with housing?

I bet most letting agents were not interested. If it's anything like here (Belgium) they want an employment contract before they'll even look at you.

shadesofwhite Tue 20-Aug-13 20:20:00

Your pathetic P sounds like the twin to my STBXH. grin

I Second Womens Aid suggestion. You can do it, I did it. Been through worse than you have and I totally understand how you feel. I'm still in a refuge and can't be any happier knowing the bastard is out of my life for effin good. While you are there, make sure you get all the help you can, Councelling, Pattern changes therapy groups and invest In some self help books. I strongly recommend 'Emotional Vampire' by Dr Bernstein and 'The Dominator'. Worth every penny and time to help up-your confidence as you prepare to get back into the world with your little ones.

Onwards and Upwards. Goodluck OP (((((hugss)))))

tweedlezee Tue 20-Aug-13 20:01:05

do you think I really need to get up and get out? I have been laughed at by agencies re:housing. I cannot go tonight or this week as I have work and commitments. he knows that. not a new water incident but he approached the subject . came home all nice. I need someone to remind me that this is not what he is like because if he was, it would not be a FING problem. And then he says that, twice. AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

foolonthehill Tue 20-Aug-13 19:57:34

And by the way YOU rea being very constructuive just not in any way he approves of (or hopefully knows about)

foolonthehill Tue 20-Aug-13 19:56:56

Stop engaging with him.
You cannot change him, you cannot make him understand, he will never be reasonable and he will get worse.

you have seen him for who he is.
If you need to get out now and sort the formalities out from a safe distance then do.

If this is a second water incident then he is using it to press your buttons....you told him you did not like it and that it was unacceptable to you....he is showing you how little he cares for you and your opinion (and right to an opinion).

this is escalation because you have obviously been constructive and pro-active today...you are coming out from under and he is terrified...he is losing control of you.

BE CAREFUL Op and be prepared to leave at a moments notice. you may not want to think that he could do more than water but he could and possibly would. Don;t underestimate him and don;t leave him alone with the DC get a bag stashed somewhere safe..

tweedlezee Tue 20-Aug-13 19:50:01

he threw the water in my face because I was not being constructive. oh and told me again, twice, that I deserved it. I feel sick.

Well done tweedle! Jacey I'm doing social work. It is fascinating, but long! It's a 2 year masters with the dissertation in the summer holiday. Is yours a year? I'd love to do another afterwards in something specialist but I doubt I will be able to afford it!

JaceyBee Tue 20-Aug-13 18:49:35

Ehric your diss sounds fascinating is it for a Masters? In what? I'm doing mine in therapeutic counselling next year, I seem to remember you do something similar??

tweedlezee Tue 20-Aug-13 16:58:32

so I have spoken to womens aid, next link and a social housing agency. oh and the solicitors. I have also spoken to my mum (who has been aware of a lot of what has been happening, as has my dad) I have spoken to my best mate who has also just left a very emotionally abusive partner. I feel no stone has been left unturned today.

Good luck!
I just want to say something about your children and their 'daddy'
I'm writing my dissertation right now (well I'm procrastinating on mumsnet) about DV and mother blame. One thing that is glaringly obvious in so much research is that there is a presumption that just being around his kids makes a man a good father. That they benefit from his presence even if he's lazy (never does housework, feeds them shit, plays play station while they watch tv) uninterested, or even abusive. And that abusive men (which yours is) actually use the children to perpetuate the abuse. They either withhold affection from the child when pissy with the mum in order that she runs around placating him to restore harmony, or they let the child down (break promises etc) to inconvenience the mother and wreck her independence, or they even attack the mother child bond (look at silly mummy, mummy is so mean/stupid/etc, or just being Disney dad, undermining, no discipline etc) in order to hurt the mother.
Abusive dads are not good dads and your children don't need to see him every day. What is more, children who are scared of their father often appear super loving and attached because they are anxious and fearful of his reaction, or of losing his affection because they understand on a deep level that it is conditional. They try to be perfect children for him (and horrors for mum!) because they are protecting themselves.
Good luck x

foolonthehill Tue 20-Aug-13 14:41:04

hmm
life with the FW (you could probably guess what F stnds for the W is for wit)

tweedlezee Tue 20-Aug-13 14:35:56

off to sign up to an agency that takes housing benefit.

tweedlezee Tue 20-Aug-13 14:12:43

he calls "how are you" me "i'm fine" him "i'm plastering today"
ok
him " are you ok?"
me "i'm fine"
him " I don't want to argue with you"
me " I don't want water thrown in my face"
him "well that's the same as arguing isn't it?"
me "no, you don't have to throw water in someones face during an argument"
him "well then we should stop arguing"
me "no, everyone argues, you just need to do it constructively"
him "ok, see you later"

he's gone.

foolonthehill Tue 20-Aug-13 12:34:28

^its like trying to complete an incomplete jigsaw puzzle that someone keeps removing piece from.^

yes, this

don;t waste your energy trying to understand him, use it to free yourself.

you will feel much stronger if you can detach your emotions for a while and observe him as if through a glass window....(Hmm that is interesting behaviour) rather than engaging.

however if you are stronger then he will be aware and beware the escalation as he tries to grab back control.

i did not believe that my H would escalate....not the extent and speed, to my cost. Be like the scouts..prepAred...and keep your phone on you.

tweedlezee Tue 20-Aug-13 12:18:12

and then when he left the room, after apologising profusely for the water when he came back in he asked me why I was still sat there and I said because I knew you were going to come back. he then shouted that I was a f'ing liar. I asked why he thought I was lying to him (he has said that a few times recently) and he told me all these times when he said he thought I had lied. I haven't lied. I may have not told him stuff because it was un-important (like how much an hour I get paid at work etc which I thought was more than it was). its like trying to complete an incomplete jigsaw puzzle that someone keeps removing piece from.

myroomisatip Tue 20-Aug-13 12:18:11

Good that you are getting as much advice as you can.

I would keep a record of the abuse but obviously, be very careful.

Whether you can get him out or whether you move yourself, it will be much easier if you are apart.

MarieB1974 Tue 20-Aug-13 12:14:43

I read a book recently about abusive relatioships, was a fictional book but it sounds a lot like what you are going through and it helped me understand a lot about my own relationship too. Hope you get the strength up to leave so you can get on with living the rest of your life x

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