Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
AIBU re two hours off?(165 Posts)
I had a terrible time with PND since ds was born. He's now nearly two and I'd arranged some counselling sessions via GP.
DH came home to look after ds so I could go . I said I'd be gone 1800-2000 with traveling time. Ds had been fine all day and turned phone on silent when I arrived at session.
After my hr was up, I checked my phone.....10 missed calls and horrible texts from DH " if you can be bothered to answer..your son
our son is being sick. You need to get home now.
I called as soon as I could and he went nuclear saying I need to get back o start cleaning up!
Arrived home, ds was fine. Vomit everywhere, pile of washing dumped on landing ' for me to do'
AIBU to have gone.....? Ds was honestly fine before and after I got home. He made me feel so guilty for going. It wasn't like I was clubbing!
sadwidow makes an excellent point as there is nothing that annoys a doctor more than someone talking on their mobile during an appointment!
Take it in very small steps - if you need to, just focus on going to your counselling for now.
Can you get a copy of the Lundy Bancroft book without your DH knowing?
Even if you don't want to leave right now, get yourself informed about what your rights are by going to CAB or having a free half hour with a solicitor. It sounds like your DH pretends to be in charge and know better than you so your first step is to know what you would be entitled to and what your rights are.
Thinking of you.
Happy, you have had all the advice you need on this thread. But I recognise that feeling of "I don't know where to start" (regarding the links sent)
The place to start is to recognise you are eating an elephant. Even an elephant's limbs are HUGE.
So how do you do that? IN BITE SIZES!
Do you think you can continue with your counselling to get your head into a better space. Once you feel more in control of your own life, you will be able to make decisions.
I do accept that not everyone is good at dealing with vomit and poo (males and females alike) but to not even attempt to deal is a childish and controlling reaction. I have a 13 year old nephew who comes to stay with me often and loves to walk my dog on his own, but he won't pick up poo. I get "Poo alert" text messages and I have to run to where he is with plastic bags! He is going to be another 'entitled male' and I see that!
Heavens above, you weren't even out 'enjoying yourself' for 2 hours - you were accessing medical support (which is what counselling is). Does your husband expect HIS research patients to have their phone switched on? Does he accept that they may be 'called back home' as soon as they have sat down for their appointment? How would he feel about a partner who wasted his VALUABLE APPOINTMENT TIME?
Do you actually know how much he earns? It's ridiculous that you can't have a tumble dryer - what would happen if you told him you wanted one?
How much do you have left after you've paid nursery fees - £200? Are you expected to buy things for the family with that?
Honestly, OP, he sounds really, really awful. He sabotaged your counselling session. He left vomit covered things waiting for you to deal with. He is an arrogant shit.
Not ever a good idea to go to relationship counselling together when one is an abuser. Better for Happy to go alone.
OMG - I am assuming if your "D"H had gone out for counselling you wouldn't have called him to come back to clear up after the vomit. Awful behavior - whether or not he is a doctor. Suggest relationship counselling?
Kundry....I'm a nurse, a part time one. Yes, he's on around 33 k . He pays the mortgage , bills etc.
Thank you for the links
I haven't a bloody clue where to start.....
I take it you aren't a doctor as well? Does he think that your job is somehow less important or come from a culture where he has v old-fashioned views about women's roles? Does he think he's more intelligent than you and look down on you? If so, these are all major red flags (and not normal behaviour of a male doctor in the UK)
I am a doctor and wouldn't know the first thing about looking after a sick child but if it was mine I'd give it a go and not send abusive texts to my other half! I'd also know you'd have your phone switched off in counselling.
The fact he's talked about you leaving makes it clear he knows he treats you badly. After 2 years, this isn't PND anymore- I'd lay money on your depression lifting if he treated you like a normal man would. However I expect that isn't going to happen anytime soon - please get working on the exit plan.
PS for those getting excited about his salary, please don't believe everything you've read in the Daily Fail. He won't be on anything near £100K if he's in research - more like somewhere between £30-40K.
Good point re the fact your DH WILL have to pay some maintenance, which will be a nice amount thanks to him being a doctor (At least here is a good point!)
I did leave early 2100hrs as couldn't bear the thought of ds being distressed and no one comforting him.
So what you are telling us is that you don't expect your DH to look after his ds well but on the contrary to be abusive to him.....
And all nursery fees have top come out of your account... Of course because he doesn't benefit from them, only you so it has to be your responsibility won't it. The fact he can work in whatever way he wants has nothing to do with nursery/you looking after your ds etc...
Sending you lots of support for your exit ((Huggs))
I agree you dont need a counsellor for your depression, you need a lawyer! Your depression will most likely lift when you are on your own with your ds!
Look into what sort of benefits or financial help you will be eligible for.
Also, if you divorce, your husbands money will become available to you, so you might be better off financially if you leave!
What else do you pay for out of your own salary that should be part of joint family expenses?
I think you would find that the root cause of your depression is actually your abusive deadweight of a H.
There's all sorts of abuse going on here, you do realise this?.
What do you get out of this relationship now Happydotcom, what keeps you within this?. The need for your child to have a Dad, he's no decent role model for your son is he?.
Happy, if you are the poster I am thinking of then I am glad to hear you are thinking about an exit strategy. Please contact women's aid - they will be able to offer advice and support.
Check out entitled to to get an idea of any financial help you may be eligible for.
My DH is a Dr. A lovely lovely man who wouldn't dream of acting how your cocklodger (despite working and earning a high salary) DH is.
You are being treated in an awful way. Your son isn't being cared for by his father the way he should be.
Are you European? Asian? Is there some cultural expectation he has that you're meant to do all childcare?
I agree with other posters that you have big problems here with your H, and that maybe the scales are starting to fall from your eyes.
I agree that this is nasty manipulation and the financial abuse is another red flag. I am another who sufered severe depression twice in my life and both times coincided with when I was with controlling abusive partners.
I receive child benefit as he's doing research at the mo. I only have my income, after nursery fees is about £200 per month.
Well a doctor should not panic if a child is ill! How ridiculous. This is more about his control of you.
Adding my support to you OP, I think it's less PND and more your partner is a nasty abusive arse
We've moved this to Relationships now at the OP's request.
I agree that the red flags are waving. You've already had some good advice. When you go to your session next week, can you leave DS with someone else?
Regarding money, do you receive the child benefit into your account? Does your husband give you a regular amount of money or do you have to justify each spend to him?
NB not 'wrong' in that he knows he shouldn't do it as he sounds like a sociopath, but he'll be concerned about social censure and his 'reputation'.
OP have you posted before about your 'D'H? This rings a bell.
If you are the poster I remember then you need to leave him. He is abusive and controlling and it is only going to get worse.
FYI the only reason he would be 'devastated' if you took DS and left, is because it would force him to acknowledge the fact that he is an arsehole. If he's a qualified MD the he's obviously not stupid, so he will fear people finding out about his behaviour as he knows it is wrong.
The more I read, the more angry I get for you and your Ds, you poor thing.
Do you know what really stands out for me? That he is a Dr yet he is using health problems to manipulate you with. Technically, these are things that he should be able to deal with better and more confidently than you - I mean, I'm presuming that he doesn't get you to come into the surgery to deal with patients presenting with skin complaints or tummy bugs, does he?! - and yet every time you do anything that remotely smacks of you having any freedom, any independence, any fun, anything that benefits you, anything outside of him and the home, most importantly, he rings and tries to manipulate you into giving all that up and rushing home because your DS is ill. Or so he says
It is so red flag-alicious that he uses health as his tool. It comes across as him playing some game with himself to see how far he can control and browbeat you; like he's thinking "We both know I am not just capable of looking after an ill child, but am trained to do so professionally, but I am going to pretend to be unable to do it in such a way that the only eay that you won't look bad is to acquiesce". It's like he's trying to make you bend to his will in such a way that you know that he is abusing and controlling, you cannot tell yourself otherwise because he's pretending he can't do his own job, essentially, which is bullshit, BUT at the same time, because it's about your child's health, he knows you will look like an uncaring mother if you call his bluff or don't come home to check on your child.
To do that would be higly abusive in itself, but the fact that he is a GP makes it extra-sadistic and game-playing.
Having a father like this is training for your son to grow up to be an abuser too. I think his sake and your sake are far more important here than your OH being devastated (and what he means is that you splitting up will ruin his image as the marvellous family man Dr Saint).
Also, I have just seen this yhread is in AIBU. I think you would benefit if you were to ask MN to move it to Relationships.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.