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AIBU re two hours off?

(165 Posts)
Happydotcom Fri 12-Apr-13 12:28:35

I had a terrible time with PND since ds was born. He's now nearly two and I'd arranged some counselling sessions via GP.

DH came home to look after ds so I could go . I said I'd be gone 1800-2000 with traveling time. Ds had been fine all day and turned phone on silent when I arrived at session.

After my hr was up, I checked my phone.....10 missed calls and horrible texts from DH " if you can be bothered to answer..your son our son is being sick. You need to get home now.

I called as soon as I could and he went nuclear saying I need to get back o start cleaning up!

Arrived home, ds was fine. Vomit everywhere, pile of washing dumped on landing ' for me to do'

AIBU to have gone.....? Ds was honestly fine before and after I got home. He made me feel so guilty for going. It wasn't like I was clubbing!

sherbetpips Fri 12-Apr-13 13:30:00

Not the first time I have heard or experienced this. My best friends husband made her come home in the middle of the hair appointment (with bleach still in her hair) because the baby wouldn't stop bloody screaming and he would leave the house if she didn't come home. I know him personally and he is not a dick, etc or any of the other words that will be used to describe husbands like him he just doesn't cope well with the baby scenarios and she no makes alternative arrangements. He is a great dad and husband and the kids love him to bits.
My DH freaks out if he has really dirty hands (could be poo, sick, raw chicken, etc) and will not touch anything, he was once covered in poo after a particularly bad exploding loose nappy and told me I had to get home to help straight away. He didn't want to touch the taps or anything in case he spread more poo around. I asked him what he thought I did when he wasnt there to call on.....

I think your counselling sessions need to be about a lot more than PND then. You need to be able to see that his behaviour is unacceptable, if you don't already, and to feel able to challenge him on it and/or get up the strength to leave him if he is not capable of change.

I would hope that a counsellor would talk about your whole situation rather than focussing on what you initially said was the problem, but I don't have experience of how it works. You certainly need to raise this as an issue at your next session - even if you only want to focus on talking about PND, the rest of your life is part of the context and makes a difference to how you try to tackle it.

givemeaclue Fri 12-Apr-13 13:37:22

Why do so many women marry totally hopeless men

SwishSwoshSwoosh Fri 12-Apr-13 13:37:38

Oh dear, he sounds unspeakable. I am so sorry he is not supportive.

Hopefully your counselling will help you talk through these issues too.

SwishSwoshSwoosh Fri 12-Apr-13 13:38:33

Not hopeless, unkind in this case IMO sad

glossyflower Fri 12-Apr-13 13:39:40

Sorry but I have to agree your husband sounds like a dickhead.
Plus, the fact he's a doctor doesn't really come into it from my personal view as a nurse.
Most (not all) doctors are self righteous arrogant arseholes who despite being a qualified doctor would never dream of clearing up vomit or poo themselves they would leave that job to us minions (nurses).
I watched at doctor knock a jug of water on the floor, then gave me a pitiful look across the room as if to say sorry about that you have to clean it up now. I just went off to collect the bucket and mop and put it in his hands grin

5madthings Fri 12-Apr-13 13:41:01

Any adult man or woman that has issues meaning they can't deal with a screaming baby or poo or vomit etc needs to get help to sort them out. Rushing home to help them out is enabling it to continue.

There was a thread a while ago with an emetaphobe (phobia of vomit) and her child was sick and she had no support, she got help and support to deal with it. What do you think single parents do?

Jux Fri 12-Apr-13 13:41:04

He's a doctor. He expects to have nurses hanging about whose main delight is to clean up.

Does he do DIY? Are you expected to watch him doing it, handing him instruments tools when he puts out his hand?

Actually it's nothing to do with being a doctor, merely to do with being an entitled arse. However, as he is a doctor, you can expect him to be intelligent enough to understand that you are not his skivvy, nor his acolyte, but an equally important human being.

Bearbehind Fri 12-Apr-13 13:41:50

happy it does sound like your twat of a husband is contributing greatly to your need for counselling. Does he seriously think that his behaviour was acceptable?

sherbetpips how did your husband manage to touch a phone to ask you to come home but not touch a tap to wash poo off himself???

josiejay Fri 12-Apr-13 13:48:05

My DH is rubbish with vomit, it makes him feel really ill and if we were both in the house when a DC gets sick it would normally be me who would deal with it. But there is no way he would call me back from any appointment (let alone something as important as a counselling session) to clean up sick.

It's an absolutely dreadful lack of support he's showing and I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this. He should be moving heaven and earth to get you any help that you need and looking after his own child is the absolute bare minimum.

Do raise this in your counselling because he sounds like he is contributing to your problems.

flowery Fri 12-Apr-13 13:51:02

He thinks he's in the right? He thinks its absolutely right and proper that a qualified doctor is incapable of looking after a vomiting toddler? Good lord.

kerala Fri 12-Apr-13 13:59:43

Good lord indeed. Am shock. My first night out after DD2 on my return looked in on both girls. Both had different nightwear and bedclothes on. Walked into sitting room DH told me about his evening of dual vomitting both girls sick all over everywhere - being a sentient adult and parent he had dealt with it, washing machine was whirring away. I had been drinking wine with my friends he hadn't even texted to let me know as he wanted me to have a good time. He is their father its not "my job" to deal with stuff like this when I am out and about and they are with him. Am shocked by your DH the fact he is a doctor makes it worse mine is only a lawyer and dealt with it without batting an eyelid and not a WHISPER of poor me you were out.

Corygal Fri 12-Apr-13 14:04:07

The only time I've ever recalled a parent was when their 3 month yr old went ballistic on me in a foreign country and I was worried she had a forrin lurgy. (She did).

Your DH is just silly. Have you told your counsellor?

RenterNomad Fri 12-Apr-13 15:18:03

What everyone else said.

Can you get through to him using your DS, how scared he was that "he" made Daddy so angry? Presumably, he was with your H when he went mad at you over the phone

DH was a SAHD to DS2 who due to recurrent tonsillitis was a recurrent vomiter, he never felt the need to ring me at work. Blokes can and do deal with these problems.

In a sense your DH has done you a favour by being such an arse. It is clear that he is being totally U and that his behaviour may be part of the problem. Its not one of those situations where you doubt your own judgment, you know he was being unreasonable so the only question is why.

As he is a doctor I doubt he is squeemish or liable to panic at vomit so I do agree with others that he didn't see it as his role to do the "shitwork" that's your job and he wasn't going to lower himself to do it.

Squitten Fri 12-Apr-13 15:37:34

WTAF?! He expected you to "get home" to clear up after a bit of sick?! And he's a doctor?!?! shock

I agree with everyone else - your symptoms are highly likely to be connected directly to your pig of a husband

StuntGirl Fri 12-Apr-13 15:38:19

Well, I think it's pretty obvious why you have depression and need counselling.

If my partner did that to me I would have gone absolutely batshit when I got home, and made it clear he is never to do that again. You were at counselling. He was caring for his child. That means he actually cares for his child while you're away. Not literally just hold the baby until you get back. Inadequate twat.

Please bring this up with your counsellor at your next visit, and make it crystal clear to your husband he is to behave like the grown up he supposedly is while you're away.

MajaBiene Fri 12-Apr-13 15:38:50

Wow. I'm guessing your PND is actually more to do with your DH than the baby.

Happydotcom Fri 12-Apr-13 15:44:30

Thank you all. Just been in laundrette for ages.

He was a bit like that before ds was born but worse now. I will bring this up next week.

I do work pt but literally all my salary goes on ds nursery fees. That was the condition of me going back to work.

I'm still fuming but thank you all smile

I have thought lately of exit strategies .......more so now.

5madthings Fri 12-Apr-13 15:46:52

All your wages go on nursery fees and that was a condition of you going back to work? You mean your dh refused to contribute to the childcare that you both need?

Can I ask what you do for money if all your wages go on childcare?

5madthings Fri 12-Apr-13 15:47:47

happy if you are thinking of exit strategies do a thread in relationships, you will get lots if advice and support smile

HumphreyCobbler Fri 12-Apr-13 15:47:47

whose 'condition' was that?

I am not surprised you are thinking of exit strategies. You are under no illusions, are you?

HumphreyCobbler Fri 12-Apr-13 15:48:32

hang on to your righteous anger happy

Please post in Relationships.

This man is abusive.

I never say LTB, but in the case I really do think you should! He's an absolute twat! shock Hell would freeze over before I allowed anyone to speak to me like that, what an absolute cheeky bastard he is. You really don't have to take his shit you know, he's not the boss of you, please remember that.

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