Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Sex life deteriorating

(36 Posts)
BrickPhone Thu 11-Apr-13 09:30:42

I could do with some kind advice. Background: My fiancé is 30 and I'm 31, recently engaged, no kids.
Our life together is fab, except recently sex has deteriorated.
Where we stand at the moment, midweek is off the cards because he's too tired from work. (He's a teacher.) Then at the weekend we have a very busy social life and it almost always involves drinking so evenings are out of the question because it's late by the time we get in.Then recently in the wkend mornings he's started having trouble with his fella not really working iyswim. So at the moment I reckon we're averaging at best once a week, maybe once a fortnight. If it was up to me we'd dtd much more often!
Over several months I've tried all approaches I can think of - trying to gently initiate things, asking directly when we can dtd, little jokes, sit down talks to ask if anything's wrong or bothering him, asking if theres anything i should do, complaining, and getting huffy. I tried saying nothing and not initiating anything for a long time and the outcome was, he didn't try anything so we stopped having sex. I've tried suggesting that we stay in more and cut down on the alcohol, this Friday we were invited to 3 different things but I said I'm staying in- the result is he's going without me. I even bought some sexy underwear but haven't worn it because the result of all this is that I now feel totally unsexy too. Now when he (rarely) initiates it, to be honest I feel a bit resentful that I've been brushed off so often and yet I somehow can't say no because in the end, I really do want to sleep with him! Advice please, Internet strangers! Thanks...

Branleuse Thu 11-Apr-13 09:33:49

if you go out both nights every weekend, then dont be surprised if you have no time for sex, and weekend mornings if hes hungover isnt always going to be condusive to a good stiffy

tbh though, i wouldnt get married

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 11-Apr-13 09:43:34

Erectile dysfunction in a 30yo should be a concern. Has he seen a GP? When you say 'involves drinking' are we talking a few glasses of wine or is he bingeing? I think, even if he gets huffy, you really need to have some grown-up conversations about what's happening & your future as a couple. At this stage in your relationship you should be 100% compatible and happy with each other because otherwise lif challenges like children or mortgages or illness will show up the cracks and split you apart.

Dahlen Thu 11-Apr-13 10:06:05

Either he doesn't fancy you very much, he has a physical problem, his libido doesn't match yours, or he considers your main desires (physical intimacy) to be less important than his main desires (wanting to go out drinking). Any of which is going to cause serious long-term problems in your relationship unless addressed. You cannot allow this to be swept under the carpet. If you cannot talk about it and deal with it, then you really shouldn't be getting married at all. If he refuses to address it, that says a lot about how important he considers you.

BrickPhone Thu 11-Apr-13 10:25:44

He's considerate in every other way. I don't think that a mismatch in libido is necessarily the end of the line. And tbh I don't know any couples, even those married 30 yrs plus, who are 100% compatible!!! Argh I knew all I would get told is not to get married. I prob shouldn't have asked.
I'm looking for a way to work it out, not just give up on a relationship that is 99% perfect just because of one issue. It matters, but not enough to end my relationship.

coalbunkersareblue Thu 11-Apr-13 10:29:59

Don't marry him! (at least not any time soon....)

I married a guy I didn't have sexual compatibility with. 5 yrs and dc down the line I have had an affair and am now wondering whether to end the marriage. IT'S NOT TOO MUCH TO WANT A GREAT SEX LIFE!

Wish I'd known that...

Hmm. OP, are you desperate to be married? You do sound a bit as though you are prepared to overlook an awful lot (heavy drinking, lack of interest in your feelings, constant sexual rejection). He's not your 'last chance', you know, even if you are one of those people surrounded by Noah's Arkers in couples.

BrickPhone Thu 11-Apr-13 10:38:03

Haha. No I'm not desperate to be married. I really am very happy in our relationship and I'm a very independent person - I've never felt the need to be in a relationship for the sake of not being alone.
This is the only thing that has been a problem over the last few months

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 11-Apr-13 10:41:08

" I don't think that a mismatch in libido is necessarily the end of the line. And tbh I don't know any couples, even those married 30 yrs plus, who are 100% compatible!!! "

It may not be the end of the line but it is serious enough at the moment for you to say you feel unsexy & resentful. Sex tends to be one of those things that tails off a little after the honeymoon period so if things are not happy at this stage of the game, the forecast is that there won't be any natural improvement over time without some serious intervention. As for these 30-year couples that aren't compatible... for all you know, behind closed doors they could be pretty miserable, trapped in an unsatisfactory relationship by DCs, social pressure, mortgages etc. Very very common.

madonnawhore Thu 11-Apr-13 10:43:39

You can't fix this on your own. He has ED, he has little interest in sex with you, he doesn't listen to or address your needs, he drinks too much.

Those are all things that can only be sorted out by him.

If he's got no interest in trying then your options are limited. Put up with things the way they are or leave.

Definitely don't get married until you really feel he's listening to you and making an effort to improve things.

BrickPhone Thu 11-Apr-13 10:45:51

Ok. Thanks for the advice.

coalbunkersareblue Thu 11-Apr-13 10:46:07

Agree with what cogito says... More people than you can imagine put on a happy front when in reality they are just together for the kids.

I am one of them and there's lots more of us.

Also - it isn't just a sexual problem. He's tired EVERY night in the week - you really want to live with someone like that? He's also not prepared to discuss issues which are important to you. It's very easy to gloss over big problems like this when you really want everything to be ok. Think carefully about this.

Helltotheno Thu 11-Apr-13 10:48:42

What SGB said. 30 has a tendency ime to be one of these ages where women feel they have to hang on for dear life to the person with them at the time, or face left on the shelf, surrounded by cats, sad singleton etc.

The main thing you need to do here is separate the feelings driven by the above from the actual feelings you have about being with him for the rest of your life. You trying to change him won't work, it really really won't. You can prance about in frilly panties all you like. He has to want to do something about this and it doesn't sound like he's overly motivated to do that. This won't get better. You need to assess your compatibility longterm based on what's happening now, not what could happen if....

Kerazeee Thu 11-Apr-13 10:50:38

I think if you both work hard during the week and then go out on the lash all weekend, its pretty obvious your sex life is going to suffer. What you need is at least one relaxing evening every weekend when you spend some time together without copious amounts of alcohol - a film, dinner, that sort of thing. A chance to talk and be intimate and see where it leads. Time to have a grown up conversation?

Fairenuff Thu 11-Apr-13 10:51:52

Is the problem that you have no time for sex or that he has no interest in it?

I think it's lack of interest. If he wanted sex, he would make the time.

So what you really need to look for is why he has lost interest.

It could be stress.
It could be medical.
It could be that he's seeing someone else.
It could be emotional detachment.

Over several months I've tried all approaches I can think of - trying to gently initiate things, asking directly when we can dtd, little jokes, sit down talks to ask if anything's wrong or bothering him, asking if theres anything i should do, complaining, and getting huffy. I tried saying nothing and not initiating anything for a long time and the outcome was, he didn't try anything so we stopped having sex

The 'sit down talks', what did he say about it? What were the reasons he gave? As this has been going on for several months, I'm sorry to say that I would also advise against getting married for the simple reason that he may be like this for the rest of his life and you would be looking at 30+ years of a sexless marriage.

orangeandlemons Thu 11-Apr-13 10:53:10

I'm a teacher. I'm exhausted every night, and in bed by 9.30 to 10, and always always asleep by 10 .15 if not earlier

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 11-Apr-13 11:06:04

Are you a single 30 year-old man orangeandlemons? smile By rights he should be in peak physical and mental condition. Even if he is in bed by 9.30 there's no set time for sex.

ImperialBlether Thu 11-Apr-13 11:20:06

You've shut down now, haven't you, OP? You think the goal here is to stop you from getting married.

It wouldn't do you any harm to have some counselling before you get married to see whether it's the best thing for you.

I think the sex you have now will be the best you'll have together. If you have children together he's going to be much more tired than he is now. You'll have less time together, too. Now you have all the time in the world to have sex. You don't need to have it first thing (though I think he should either stop drinking or see a doctor if he can't get a morning erection.) You don't need to have it late at night. What's wrong with going to bed on Saturday afternoon for a few hours? Or Sunday? Or going to bed early any night of the week?

The problem is that he isn't instigating sex and rejects your suggestions to have more sex. It's not the lack of sex that makes people so unhappy (think of women whose husbands are serving in the military and are away for months) it's the fact that someone who is supposed to love you and fancy you is telling you that no, actually, he doesn't want to have sex with you.

Believe me, this is the best sex you're going to have - you're both young and you have plenty of time and energy.

Fairenuff Thu 11-Apr-13 11:26:36

orangesandlemons the good news is that every six weeks or so, you get at least one week away from work. That frees up a lot more opportunity for shagging.

Ops dh has been like this for 'several months' so he didn't even take advantage of Easter.

I don't think tiredness or lack of time is the problem here.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 11-Apr-13 11:45:17

Does he use porn? There is a link between heavy porn use to ED...

Fairenuff Thu 11-Apr-13 11:51:07

Oh, yes, porn use. That could be another reason. Not only for ed but also why he doesn't seem to want it any more.

orangeandlemons Thu 11-Apr-13 14:09:36

Alas Cog no, I am an ageing knackered mum. And have just remembered that I was single at 32 and a teacher, and that didn't stop me shagging.

Oh to be young again!

sudaname Thu 11-Apr-13 14:28:07

What has changed in the last few months apart from your sex life dwindling. Does he work more hours now? Or do you go out more at weekends now?
If nothing has changed then how did you manage to have a frequent sex life before iyswim?

loopydoo Thu 22-Aug-13 00:04:18

Can you book a weekend away...away from his mates and book somewhere in the middle of nowhere so you can't go to the pub.

Have a nice dinner and get your new lingerie on and make him want you. Perhaps he wants something more exciting but is too shy to tell you? Ty and be the opposite of what you're normally like in bed..surprise him...generally men like that and see how you get on.

Perhaps he is stressed at work/has secret money worries and currently thinks getting pissed every weekend is a good way to block it out?

Or perhaps he is just quite a selfish person. At 30, with no kids, he has had a good long time to be selfish as its just the two of you but maybe chatting to him about how you feel, in a non accusing way, may get him to open up a bit?

Kiwiinkits Thu 22-Aug-13 01:03:27

Good god. No kids, 30 and 31, not yet married. You two should be shagging like rabbits!! (I know we were!)

Talking about sex is SUCH a turn off. His brain is wired for action, not talking about action. Just grab him and shag him. If he's not into that, then he's probably not that into you OP.
Definitely a 'red flag' before marriage.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now