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Ending it with OM today

(72 Posts)
pizzatime Wed 10-Apr-13 10:23:52

Any help would be much appreciated. After extreme anxiety on both parts, me and OM have decided to end our relationship. I would like to try no contact completely but he wants to carry on texting as 'i'm his friend above all else'. He has suggested meeting for tea for THE final chat as he doesn't want us to end it on the phone. Just wanted some advice to help me stick to my guns as he has a way of wording things that makes me think - why can't we text, we ARE indeed great friends but I know we will end up back at SQ1. He's changed me as a person and I hate who I am now and am ready to start again. Please help me and try not to judge - the situation is extremely complex and OM struck while I was at such a low ebb in life.

Lueji Wed 10-Apr-13 23:14:42

By not texting now, he could be just playing it so that you actually wish he texts.
And I don't think he actually cares about you. Or he'd have respected your wishes earlier. Don't confuse his reluctance to let go as caring.

And the mention of lunches sounds like he wants the occasional shag.

pizzatime Wed 10-Apr-13 23:24:20

Thanks lueji for the advice - i agree re: game playing angle. He didn't seemed that reluctant to let go from our chat earlier which was a tad confusing. We didn't shag on lunch!!

Lueji Wed 10-Apr-13 23:27:05

I meant his suggestion of meeting for lunch occasionally.

badinage Wed 10-Apr-13 23:44:32

I feel like if he makes contact he isn't respecting my wishes but if he doesn't then he's easily over it. Lose-lose!!

If he keeps contacting you, it means he doesn't respect you. It wouldn't be because he's got deep feelings for you because if he had, he'd step away and let you get on with your own life. If it hadn't been for him being so manipulative and controlling about meeting him today, I'd maybe have given him the benefit of the doubt regarding his motives if he stays away. But in this case if he stops contacting you, I'd just assume he's got someone else in his sights.

I'd have thought it must really help to stay away from blokes like this once you realise they don't actually care for you personally; they just care about themselves.

pizzatime Thu 11-Apr-13 10:39:23

Thanks badinage - the truth hurts but you are so right. I have always been the one who has 'broke' no contact before though but have never felt this adamant so hopefully this time. This weekend will be such a test.

ChasingSquirrels Thu 11-Apr-13 19:12:05

have you arranged things for the weekend to keep you busy?

pizzatime Thu 11-Apr-13 23:15:42

Hi ChasingS, trying to plan stuff but already feel ready to break! Crazy! Starting to think I've jumped the gun but in heart of hearts know I've done the right thing.

pizzatime Fri 12-Apr-13 19:35:34

Yikes, Friday night, not even had any wine and already want to crack and text. MUST STAY STRONG!

Ilovemyteddy Fri 12-Apr-13 20:06:27

OP if you block and delete his number on your phone then you will no longer be putting your life on hold waiting for a text/stopping yourself from texting him. By taking away the means of contact you can start to move forward.

I've also been in your shoes and know how hard it is. I wish you lots of luck.

YoniLoveCanSetYouFree Fri 12-Apr-13 20:10:34

Google ivillage Ending Affair Support. You'll find lots of people in the same boat.

CajaDeLaMemoria Sat 13-Apr-13 15:16:30

How are you doing, Pizza?

Do block his number. Nothing good can come from keeping it. Take away your ability to contact him, and his to contact you, and you'll move on much quicker and easier.

I hope you're staying strong and busy smile

Destinysdaughter Sat 13-Apr-13 17:23:02

I strongly recommend the website Baggage Reclaim which explains exactly why no contact is the only way to go in these situations. I read this website incessantly during my break up 3 months ago and it was a life saver! It was so hard but it doesn't hurt like it did and I am so much happier. You will be too... X

pizzatime Sat 13-Apr-13 18:00:43

Thanks for these messages - they are such a help. I'll look into those websites - thanks. Still haven't made contact so staying strong and keeping busy for now.

Caja, appreciate you coming back to give me moral! Thanks so much! I don't feel strong enough to block - I really hope i'll be able too soon. I know NC is the best way but wonder if it's making me want to contact more - knowing I can't, but I don't suppose any good can come of gradual NC. OM so far hasn't made any contact which is out of character but good for me.

Time to give the house another clean methinks!

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight Sat 13-Apr-13 18:15:29

Have you got someone else you can text instead if him when you need too might help.

pizzatime Sun 14-Apr-13 20:08:22

Managed my first weekend of no contact! I know it sounds ridiculous but it has been so so difficult and feels like a lifetime since I saw OM. Hoping it get easier along the line.

Lueji Sun 14-Apr-13 20:13:01

Well done. smile

If you do get any messages, just delete without reading them.
Otherwise you may be swayed or get involved in a conversation and then it's harder to let go.

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight Sun 14-Apr-13 20:26:31

It will do. It's like giving up anything, chocolate, smoking etc it can be done but just one minute at a time sometimes

pizzatime Sun 14-Apr-13 20:38:03

Thanks. Good to know that you don't think I'm absolutely crazy!!

pizzatime Mon 15-Apr-13 18:32:34

Houston, I have made contact. What a disaster. After all the great advice I blew it in one compulsive move. Was looking through all the nice emails we've exchanged back and forth at work and on a whim I emailed to see if he wanted to meet for tea - which he did. What a fool I am.

When I got there he seemed initially a bit sad but mostly ok, though said he thought about me constantly all week to which I stupidly revealed how difficult it had been for me and how much I hate not having him in my life.

He seemed a little happier at this but said we have to stick it out and that it will get easier. I looked so needy and totally blew any upper hand I may have had in this scenario. I despair at my own stupidity. Am I beyond help???

badinage Tue 16-Apr-13 01:30:13

No you're not beyond help but only you can be the person who stops sabotaging your own efforts and then claiming to be helpless.

You're also reading way too much into his demeanour, facial expressions and pretty words spoken. It's actions that count every time.

Like I said before, if he truly had any feelings for you he would have refused to meet today. If he's married too or in a relationship, the same goes for you in getting back in contact with him. You're both putting your own needs first and not eachother's. Obviously, you haven't been putting any partners' and kids' needs before your individual own, for some time.

If continuing this affair is going to bring misery to your individual lives and the people in it and the feelings aren't strong enough on either side to brazen that out and be together, the kindest thing is to let eachother go. The selfish thing to do would be to keep reeling eachother in.

Lueji Tue 16-Apr-13 06:51:28

Delete the emails FGS!

You can't keep that stuff if you really want to stop this.

CajaDeLaMemoria Tue 16-Apr-13 12:39:41

Oh come on.

Delete everything to do with him, now. His number, his emails, any sordid reminders you have. Everything.

Then you can heal and get over him. If you keep it, you'll continue to sabotage yourself over and over again.

Be strong, and get rid of any helplessness. Delete everything, and then come back and we'll talk you through the rest.

There's no help while you are clinging on to memories and phone numbers, though. It just doesn't work.

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