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husband registered on adultwork

(188 Posts)
Aqua14 Wed 10-Apr-13 10:16:35

I need advice on how to deal with this situation. I've been married to husband just under a year and we've been together for about 3 years before marriage.
 Recently I asked to use his phone as mine was sent for repair. When I opened up the Internet browser page it was on an adult website ( at the time I didnt think to check whether he was logged in or not, plus the search had been set to look for people in 'Barnet' which is where we live so obviously this set off alarm bells. I immediately shouted down to him as he was only by the stairs and said 'whats this website you were on?' And he denied being on there and shouted back something about changing his Google settings to 'Barnet' the day before or something (hmmm?)
I've also noticed he gets a lot of junk email offerring sex which goes straight to his junk inbox but why does he get so many in the first place? I only get thr usual emails so why would it be different for his email account?
 As I was using his phone I checked his email and it had update emails from this adult work website, just summarising all the new members and so on, the pictures included were pretty filthy which made me annoyed.
I noticed at the bottom of the email it said hes received this email fir being a registered member snd this is not junk, plud it addressed him with his nickname. So was he lieing to me about the website?
 I decided to try and log in with his usual password he uses for everything whivh didn't work. I then asked for a password reminder using his email address and the password turned out to be his viechle registration number. What are the chances of that! I took a screen shot if all this from his phone and sent it to myself to keep. I did check his account on there but there seemed to be no activity or any messages or so on. I also changed his password.
Later that evening I obviously got upset, he asked me what was wrong and i told him I think he's lieing to me. I told him I know he's registered on the site which he denied still. I then showed him the screen shot of his password and said how would they know your registration number then? Not like its that easy to get personal information like that. He still denied signing up, said he's never been on that site or what they have on there. He also said it could be spam and they've signed him up without him knowing but doesnt explain how the password is his car number plate and the fact that his nicknane has the year of his date of birth. He denied being involved with this website to the point where he started crying himself and saying how there is no point in trying to be a good persin when people still blame you for things you've never done. He was also extremely upset that I'd probably never trust him again because of this. 

Part of me wants to believe him but another part of me is unsure. I've noticed he looks at other girls sometimes when we are out and that makes me feel weird. I usually ask him what were you looking at and the answer is usually oh nothing. And the girls he seems to look at are always dressed suggestively, sometimes he'll make up obscure reasons for looking at them. I don't know where all this has cone from. Maybe I'm reading into things too much and being paranoid and insecure about the whole thing but I can't seem to ignore that voice at the back of my head telling me maybe he isn't telling me the truth. Not sure what to do now or how to move on sad

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 10-Apr-13 10:24:16

Adultwork is a legitimate site. A horrid one, but a legitimate one. They do not make accounts in your name, and they would not know his car numberplate. He is outright lying to you.

That would be a dealbreaker for me. You'll never get the truth from him, and he's lying to your face, and having the gall to pretend to be upset.

For what it's worth, men who start reciting that it's no point them behaving because you don't trust them/will accuse them anyway are usually looking to blame you for something terrible that they've done. If they start early, they can convince both themselves and you that it was your fault, and when you find out you are much less likely to kick them out. Or at least they hope it works like that.

I can't believe he has the audacity to tell such stupid, unbelievable lies, and thinks you'll believe him. Funny how Adultwork hasn't set up an account for me, or you, or the rest of the country then?

sanityawol Wed 10-Apr-13 10:55:26

Your H sounds very much like my exH when caught in a big lie. The tears would always come.

Whilst the junk email could be innocent (I had a hotmail account years back and used to get all manner of strange spam) you have to sign up to sites like adultwork. The chances of them signing up your H without his knowledge AND generating a random password that happens to be his reg no must be nearly as low as my chance of winning the lottery. (I don't buy a ticket).

OP, I lived with a compulsive liar for far too many years. ExH would lie about stupid tiny things that didn't matter through to massive great lies that put me in some very difficult and embarrassing situations. Looking back, and with the benefit of MN, I can see that his lies, manipulation and other behaviour were forms of abuse.

I cannot advise you on how to move on, but I think that you need to look at this lie in the context of his usual behaviour. Have there been lots of things that don't add up, or is this the first time you've had cause for concern? If he was to admit to signing up then would you be able to move on, or is the site content also an issue? Can you see yourself being able to let this go, or will it continue to eat away at you?

FWIW, after years of wondering 'what next', my final straws came in the same week. I discovered that exH had been using some very dodgy chat rooms when he was supposed to be looking after our toddler DD. He also told a massive lie to my family, and if I hadn't told him to leave at that point he would have finally succeeded in isolating me from them.

You need to make the right decision for you OP. Using my exH as a barometer, the tears are because he knows he has been caught out and you are not falling for the further lies he is spinning to try and get himself off the hook.

sassy34264 Wed 10-Apr-13 11:33:20

Run, Run, Run.

He is a big fat liar. He is a manipulative big fat liar. (the tears)

He is going to make you paranoid, insecure, resentful, and angry.

There is no way on earth that a website will have registered him using his vehicle registration and his nickname includes his dob.

He really really thinks that you are stupid. He must do, to think that denying it will make you think he is telling the truth.

The website advertises sex workers. If he is looking for ones in the place where he lives, then he is looking to meet up. Why else would he look up the area? If he just wants to webcam for masturbation purposes, he wouldn't need to look in his area would he?

Oh sweetheart. I hope you have a lot of self esteem- to leave. I can only forsee years of putting up with this crap.

badinage Wed 10-Apr-13 13:56:50

No he's lying and worse still, thinks you are stupid.

He registered on this site to buy sex. He was looking for prostitutes in your area. Whether he's met one for sex doesn't much matter. He's a liar and he thinks you're stupid which are sackable offences on their own.


MadAboutHotChoc Wed 10-Apr-13 14:06:08

I agree that he signed up to look for prostitutes in the area.

Get tested for STDs sad

HotCrossPun Wed 10-Apr-13 14:11:12

Sign back in using his details (if he hasn't already changed them) and have a look and see who he has been emailing.

Don't believe a word he says to you. To search for prostitutes in your area he would have had to register, give a username and a password.

You deserve so much better than him, don't let him convince you otherwise.

CheeseandPickledOnion Wed 10-Apr-13 14:58:39

If it was so awful for you, it would almost be funny that he seriously thinks technology is that smart it can sign you up unaided to a site you don't know about, using your DOB, and setting your password as your car reg no.

Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease, you know that is all complete bollocks. He is using Adultworks. Now you just need to find out if he's been paying to speak to them, pictures, real life sex or what. Of course, that's if there is any distinction in that for you? If it's all cheating and deal breaker, then he needs to leave.

Guntie Wed 10-Apr-13 15:06:34

I am really sorry aqua thanks

Unfortunately I agree with everyone else. He is lying through his teeth. There is NO WAY what he is saying could happen. Simply NO WAY.

Good luck with your next steps..

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 10-Apr-13 15:44:16

Check bank and credit card statements for unusual payments.

Crinkle77 Wed 10-Apr-13 15:52:21

What a scum bag. If he is doing this after less then a year of marriage then you need to get out

Mosman Wed 10-Apr-13 16:00:57

Don't assume he's looking for services on there, mine was offering them much to my amusement. Yes ladies what you've all been waiting to part with your hard earnt cash with is a session with my slightly overweight balding ex who's covered in moles.
Form an orderly que now won't you grin

Aqua14 Wed 10-Apr-13 16:04:41

Thanks for the advice so far ladies. I don't think he's actually used any of the services on there since I don't think he can afford to. Plus I know his whereabouts most times and he doesn't go out randomly. I deleted his account off from there after we spoke about it but I've noticed he's still getting the update emails with the same username. It just doesn't make sense to me why he'd go on that website. We have an otherwise normal relationship or so I thought sad if anything he is the one with problems because sometimes he can't stay hard for a long time when we have sex. I don't think he has ejaculated properly either. I tell him to go doctors but he usually blames stress and says it's not me. Generally I'd say he's physically attracted to me but just this whole business with this website doesn't add up. Why go on there and lie to me about it??

badinage Wed 10-Apr-13 16:26:59

You don't know his whereabouts most times. You had no idea he was sitting at his computer or on his phone perusing prostitute sites and a lot of these blokes meet up for a half an hour bonk at lunchtime or before or after work. The erectile dysfunction screams porn use and someone who can't have sex when it's not forbidden. He's right it's got nothing to do with you though.

He's lying to you and treating you like a fool. He's depriving you of a decent sex life if penetative sex is something you enjoy. That also (thank goodness) means no children.

Whether he's shagged a prostitute is just part of it. The other stuff is worth leaving for, on its own.

Don't fall for his lies, just boot him out. You deserve better.

BeCool Wed 10-Apr-13 16:41:53

I know his whereabouts most times
If I've learned just one thing from MN it is that this is what women think, but is usually far from accurate.

sanityawol Wed 10-Apr-13 16:45:56

You mention not being able to afford for services from the website - when exH was gone and stopped intercepting my post, I discovered that I had massive credit card debt in my name. Might be worth doing a credit check as well as an STI check.

In my first post, I didn't want to wade in with a LTB, but the lies alone would be a dealbreaker for me. That's without him trying to twist things to shift the blame onto you for questioning him. Plus the nature of that site - it's not 'just porn' (even if you are ok with that). From the little I know it is about actively seeking out a sexual encounter, whether that is via a webcam or with a prostitute - which is a strong possibility if he is searching your local area.

Setting aside the lies, are you really ok with him even looking for this kind of thing?

Please don't get too hung up on trying to work out 'why'. (I know this is easier said than done) This is something that he has done, not something that you have caused. The things you need to work out are whether you can forgive this, and what happens when he does something similar again?

He is a LIAR.
You must ask him to leave immediately.
Do you own your home, have children, income etc?

Mosman, your post made me lol.
Sounds like your ex may need a more, erm, specialist audience demographic grin

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm Wed 10-Apr-13 16:49:34

He is lying, OP. I think you know that. sad

Just read your last post, and agree with Badinage. Erection issues would be a classic symptom of porn addiction or 'niche' sexual preferences.
I'm so sorry.

Hopasholic Wed 10-Apr-13 16:53:11

He is lying to you.

It is highly likely that he has slept with prostitutes and you need to get yourself checked out and kick him out.

The reason he can't maintain his erection is most likely because he is feeling guilty about shagging a hooker.

Sorry but you are being VERY naieve

HotCrossPun Wed 10-Apr-13 16:54:44

You deleted the account?

Did you look through it first? If you did you would have been able to see his profile details, his inbox and account box, if he'd favorited any women etc.

I can't believe you are still to-ing and fro-ing over whether to believe him. He is lying to you, he registered with a site so he could find local prostitutes or watch them on their webcams.

dontyouwantmebaby Wed 10-Apr-13 17:00:25

badinage and morecrack sorry to ask this on the OPs thread but I am being dim here I don't understand why erectile dysfunction = porn addiction, why is that?

OP - I am so sorry you are going through this. I think when you add up the search for your area/date of birth in nickname used/car registration details as p/w all adds up to the fact he has registered on this site. Whether he'd taken his membership any further eg by meeting people would be a complete deal breaker - you deserve better than that. Tbh even if he was just using it for masturbation purposes, that would also be a deal breaker for me. I would always be wondering whether he would want to go for more than that in the future!

The fact he ogles other woman when you're out is not pleasant either. Would he like it if he caught you looking at some 'hot' looking blokes. I bet not. Hope you take the good advice of mumsnetters who have been thru this.

Whilst erectile dysfunction can have other causes, regular porn users can become reliant on the very easy and visual stimulation they get from porn. Ime pornography users can build up a 'tolerance' to visual stimulation and need increasing amounts of it to become aroused. I also think, in some cases, that the user will seek out increasingly explicit or 'deviant' porn.

sassy34264 Wed 10-Apr-13 17:07:45

Yes, porn addiction jumped out at me as well.

don'tyouwantmebaby If there is a heavy use of porn, the user will stop getting turned on by the run of the mill stuff and start to up the kicks

Harder, viler, more debauched things will be needed to turn them on.

Then normal intimate, loving sex with their loved one, just doesn't do it for them anymore.

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