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A good idea? [Titled edited by MNHQ at the request of the OP]

(99 Posts)
bootsgalore Wed 10-Apr-13 10:16:01

Our story is long and I tried to type it all out the other night but lost it when I tried to post so I will try to summarise...

Basically, dh and I have been having difficulties for several years. We've had counselling jointly and me individually. This has helped me enormously but we don't seem to be able to break through whatever is the real problem.

Dh thinks the main problem is that we don't have sex often enough. he describes it as the glue that keeps the relationship together, the third leg of the stool, etc, etc. I understand that he is frustrated but his very neediness is one of the things that turns me off completely. There are very specific things he does that I really don't like, have told him many, many times but every time we have sex or he tries to initiate sex, he does them. Why is that? Passive aggressive behaviour? He says he can't help himself.

After a dreadful episode on holiday last week where dh woke me in the night and was so desperate for sex that I ended up giving him a hj whilst almost in tears, he has suggested that we should think about a sex contract. He sent me links to read about it and I have spent the last week thinking about it and everything else.

Will it make things any better? I have a horrible fear that it will make things much worse. He thinks it's all about my lack of libido and that I am deliberately withholding sex from him (and from myself) to punish him. I don't think I am but all my thoughts are going round in circles and I'm at the point of wondering whether I am being unfair or even abusive towards him. Perhaps I need to try this contract idea? It scares me though.

Does anyone have any experience of such a contract?

OxfordBags Wed 10-Apr-13 18:55:01

I know exactly why stuff that should be 'normal', ie stroking, hair touching, etc., feels creepy - because your bosy knows what your mind is desperately trying to avoid admitting: that he is sexually abusive to you (and not doubt abusive in other ways that you would also doubt, blame yourself for or minimise - men like this are really cunty in just one area). There is a saying: the body knows what the mind cannot acknowledge (or words to that effect).

Do NOT sign a contract. It reduces you to a prostitute, to given permission for rape/sexual assault. Every single issue he has are things that HE should be dealing with; if he has rejection issues, a normal person gets counselling, not guilt-trips their partner into doing intimate things they despise. If a normal person gets horny but their partner isn't up for any action, you either take yourself off for a crafty wank or you just do something else to take your mind off it. No-one is so fucking horny that they have to have any sexual action with someone else, EVER, and if they say they do, they have either a mental health problem, some weird kind of hormonal disorder or are a rapist.

You are NOT being abusive. You ate not responsible for his needs or pleasure. You cannot allow your body to be used for something so intimate just because he wants you to.

All his talk of you punishing him and so on are just the classic words of an abuser (honestly, there are textbooks written about abusers where these words are shown to be so common that it's like they all have one limited script). They're designed to make you doubt yourself, feel guilty and above sll, to make you give in to him.

You have big problems in this relationship, but it's not how often you do the deed. It's him being a selfish abuser, full stop. The wanking incident was really upsetting and rapey to read, you should not have felt the pressure to do that. As others have pointed out, no normal, decent man who sees women as human beings could so much as achieve an erection knowing his partner was doing something under duress, much less get off on it.

OxfordBags Wed 10-Apr-13 18:55:26

PS it looks so bad written down because it IS so bad.

I was with someone who had a porn addiction - quite nasty stuff. He said he turned to porn because of my lack of libido. He thought we should go to counselling together hmm

I'm divorcing the dickhead.

welcometomysillylife Wed 10-Apr-13 21:54:16

Like others have said, you don't want sex with him because you don't actually like him. The situation is only going to get worse. You are not suddenly going to get sexual feelings for him after this.

ivykaty44 Wed 10-Apr-13 22:00:55

any wonder why sex is not on the menu with a **like that..?

Spiritedwolf Wed 10-Apr-13 22:11:44

He's sexually abusing you by pressurising you for sex acts to the extent that you end up having things done to you and doing things to him that you'd rather not do. Please don't stay with him, let alone feel oblidged to sign a 'contract'.

Its worth pointing out that although we are urging you not to sign a sex contact with him, because we believe it is a bad idea, as it will make you feel more oblidged and him feel more entitled, that we think he'll use bit as an 'excuse' (though such a thing doesn't exist) to rape you as he'll take it as 'consent' that you've agreed to sex X times a week - actually the contract is completely unenforceable, it doesn't take away your right to refuse consent. If you were to feel forced to sign it, it doesn't mean you have to abide by it. I think its important to stress that though its a bad idea, if you did go ahead with it, you can change your mind at any time, please don't let it trap you in an abusive relationship (as he wishes you to feel further obligated to serve him sexually and so trapped).

Please have a think about the rest of your relationship, I'm certain none of it can be so great as to justify staying with a man who can't even listen to and respect what you find sexy and not sexy. He's obviously too caught up in his own desires to pay any attention to your discomfort - which makes him at the very least a selfish sexual partner, and more likely he's abusive. A good sexual partner would listen to you and respond to your sexual preferences - its wrong that he's deliberately ignoring your wishes and crossing your boundaries - please leave before he gets worse.

bootsgalore Wed 10-Apr-13 22:26:16

Lots of things to think about then....
I don't want to go into anymore specifics on here as am worried that, despite this being an anonymous forum, it's very traceable on Google.

I think I have to face up to a lot of things in our relationship. Maybe I don't like him. Maybe I'm scared of what will happen if we split up. What about the children?

I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore or if I am capable of loving anybody.

I have arranged to see a new counsellor next week and am going to talk to her tomorrow.

This morning I did agree to discuss things at the weekend. Not just the contract but also more wide ranging things too. But my overwhelming feeling is that at the end of it will be a discussion about separation. It's not fair to either of us to continue like this...

thanks

Darkesteyes Wed 10-Apr-13 22:36:14

I am in a sexless marriage OP of 17 yrs standing. My DHs choice. And even though i am in this situ im with the other posters on this. What he is doing to you IS abusive.
And the BJ with you in tears. Bloody hell he doesnt care does he. I would never dream of trying to bully someone into having sex with me. It is abusive and i would want them to want me as much as i want them. Your h doesnt seem to care about that so he must be getting off on the fact that you are uncomfortable.
Bet he got this contract idea from 50 shades. FFS.

Soundofthecrowd Wed 10-Apr-13 23:07:35

I saw an article about a sex contract recently on the mail online, think that's where he got it from. I agree that in your situation it is totally inappropriate for the reasons people have said. Although my situation wasn't the same I remember feeling pressured for sex by my ex h and for a while I was very confused as I didn't really admit to myself that I didn't love him any more. Long story, we split up, eventually found DH who is respectful and considerate as well as fun to be with so none of these issues ever arise. It sounds to me that you would be happier away from this man though of course it is a big thing to split up. But think about it, you may find a really wonderful life out there (with your kids) with or without a man! Good luck.

boots my exH used to pressurise me for sex and I thought I had a low libido because I didn't want it. He was not affectionate and I reached the point where I would not be naked in front of him. I even started to note the dates in my diary because he would claim it had been longer eg that we hadn't had sex for months when it was only a few weeks.

I am in no doubt that you are suffering sexual abuse. please be very honest with your counsellor so he/she can help you.

My counselling made me realise that I only want to have sex when I feel like it - whether that is for my pleasure or his iykwim. I hate the feeling of having to do it.

Oh god.

Here's your sex contract op.

I will only have sex with you when I feel like it. You will not stroke my hair. You will not wake me up because you have a desperate need for sex. I will never have sex with you because I feel I have to, only if I want to.

ok, have read all your messages boots, like others have said NO NO NO to signing any form of sexual contract...how ridiculas! what if it gets to a Sunday evening and you havnt yet had sex that week and you don't feel like it?...does he then rape you because you signed on the dotted line!?...that makes be feel sick!

however all you've really mentioned is that he wants sex once a week, wants to stroke you and touch your hair? once a week isn't asking for much, do you really not even have the libido for once a week? stroking and touching your Hair also isnt too much to ask for? damm if my dp wanted to "stroke" me nicely I wouldn't object! do you not fancy him? or is there more that he's said he wants to do that you have left out here?

obviously if you've asked him not to wake you for sex then doing so is totally unreasonable!

purplewithred Thu 11-Apr-13 09:25:18

Boots, my exH also used to pressurise for sex and do things I explicitly and repeatedly asked him not to do. I avoided sex because it was horrible (climaxing is not the same as enjoying lovemaking). I was beyond miserable.

I am now in a different relationship and have learned the happiness that comes with a healthy sexual relationship (sorry, TMI for RL friends). Yes, it's actually true - normal happy couples do actually have happy and open sex lives. Amazing.

TisILeclerc Thu 11-Apr-13 09:32:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OxfordBags Thu 11-Apr-13 09:41:45

I'm so sorry you had to go through that, LeClerc sad

TisILeclerc Thu 11-Apr-13 09:44:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madeofstone Thu 11-Apr-13 09:57:06

As a man I find the thought of legislation in the bedroom dept horrific. The hand job is frightening for two reasons, I could never be that horny I needed to upset my partner for one and secondly sorry to all the women but none of you are as good at hand jobs as you partner. He has been practising for years...... As others have said he is a bully and should work on that, then there would probably be no need for a contract

To the poster who said this: however all you've really mentioned is that he wants sex once a week, wants to stroke you and touch your hair? once a week isn't asking for much, do you really not even have the libido for once a week? stroking and touching your Hair also isnt too much to ask for?

The op doesn't like it.

And perhaps her husband's attitude to her feelings is part of the reason why.

PottedPlant Thu 11-Apr-13 11:03:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

minkembra Thu 11-Apr-13 11:11:42

1)a contract should in some way be mutually beneficial. sounds like you get nothing out if this.

2) the hair stroking. the probable reason that creeps you out us that you know he is waking you up to 'try it on' it is the prelude to him prssurizing you and Will always end in you feeling guilty for saying no or you doing something you don't want to. either way you lose and he wins. you feel bad and that is probably as important to him as the sex. and yet from his point of view he can say 'but i was only being nice'. NO he is not being nice. it is a deliberate tactic. he knows exactly that he is doing.

It is abuse.

Which is a very hard thing to admit. so i am very sorry op as a lot of this is probably hard to hearthanks

If you think about do you love him i bet sometimes you think oh but he can be really lovely. Because that is what abusers are like. if they were utterly shit all the time no one would put up with them.

I bet if the discussion does come to separation he Will start trying to squirm off the hook and promise you the moon. beware. he won't change. it us tempting to think he might but he won't. and if he might he can do it without you and come back to you when he is a fit and proper person to be in a relationship.

You do not have a problem OP... well other than having him for a partner.

tis brave post. thanks

minkembra Thu 11-Apr-13 11:15:36

You may find other things you recognise at the top of this thread

Very sorry if you do recognise it but you Will find a lot of support there.

Mondrian Thu 11-Apr-13 11:30:44

The necessity of a contract indicates a lack of understanding and respect between each other. So if your DH likes to have lots of sex (like me) then he needs to up his understanding of you and what enhances your libido, if he manages to do that then it's not just the quantity that will increase but also the quality. Challenge him with that statement, sex should not be a chore but an escape from.

TisILeclerc Thu 11-Apr-13 11:31:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImperialBlether Thu 11-Apr-13 11:37:47

The hair stroking really creeped me out and I think that's because it's violence in the guise of affection. The iron fist in the velvet glove kind of thing.

He's vile, OP. Really, really vile.

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