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A good idea? [Titled edited by MNHQ at the request of the OP]

(99 Posts)
bootsgalore Wed 10-Apr-13 10:16:01

Our story is long and I tried to type it all out the other night but lost it when I tried to post so I will try to summarise...

Basically, dh and I have been having difficulties for several years. We've had counselling jointly and me individually. This has helped me enormously but we don't seem to be able to break through whatever is the real problem.

Dh thinks the main problem is that we don't have sex often enough. he describes it as the glue that keeps the relationship together, the third leg of the stool, etc, etc. I understand that he is frustrated but his very neediness is one of the things that turns me off completely. There are very specific things he does that I really don't like, have told him many, many times but every time we have sex or he tries to initiate sex, he does them. Why is that? Passive aggressive behaviour? He says he can't help himself.

After a dreadful episode on holiday last week where dh woke me in the night and was so desperate for sex that I ended up giving him a hj whilst almost in tears, he has suggested that we should think about a sex contract. He sent me links to read about it and I have spent the last week thinking about it and everything else.

Will it make things any better? I have a horrible fear that it will make things much worse. He thinks it's all about my lack of libido and that I am deliberately withholding sex from him (and from myself) to punish him. I don't think I am but all my thoughts are going round in circles and I'm at the point of wondering whether I am being unfair or even abusive towards him. Perhaps I need to try this contract idea? It scares me though.

Does anyone have any experience of such a contract?

MTBMummy Wed 10-Apr-13 10:20:49

I'm about to be really thick - but what is a sex contract?

Does it dictate how often or what can and cannot be done?

"I ended up giving him a hj whilst almost in tears," this really worries me and in no circumstances is this ever ok. I think you have bigger problems than a sex contract.

makemineamalibuandpineapple Wed 10-Apr-13 10:21:10

As in something that you are both supposed to sign? confused

GoSuckEggs Wed 10-Apr-13 10:21:26

what does he do that you dont like? is that what is making you not feel like sex?

I ended up giving him a hj whilst almost in tears

And he was ok with that hmm

Jesus christ. A sex contract is not the way to go about it if feeling under pressure to have sex turns you off.

hope you're ok OP

*BJ

LisaMed Wed 10-Apr-13 10:27:09

You could ask him 'does he want to do his daily rape'

If he repeatedly do things that you have asked him not to then it isn't about sex. It's control. I wouldn't touch the sex contract with a ten foot pole. It will make things hell.

Of course you are doubting yourself, his behaviour is designed to make you do that.

btw a normal human being would not be able to get an orgasm if their partner was in tears.

BertieBotts Wed 10-Apr-13 10:29:36

No no no. It will make everything a thousand times worse.

Sweetie, what has he told you that made you feel you are abusing him? That you think it's so necessary that he gets some form of sex that you'd wank him off while being in tears? shock sad

There is nothing wrong with you. Even if you had no libido at all that is perfectly fine and you're entitled to feel that way. NOBODY has a right to demand sex from you, ever.

LizzyMcGuire Wed 10-Apr-13 10:30:19

So he wants a contract allowing him to rape you?

I know teh above is emotive, but that is what it boils down to.

Your husband is abusive, sweetheart.

Any man who forces his wife to wank him off depite her obvious distress is an abusive cock.

bootsgalore Wed 10-Apr-13 10:31:28

This is part of the stuff he sent me...

Would a sex contract work for you?
“I promise to have sex with you once a week and come up with something new to try at least twice a month. In return, you promise to kiss me more, spend more time on foreplay and give me lots of compliments in bed.”

Would you sign on the dotted line if your partner asked you to sign a sex contract?

The initial response of most couples is a disgusted nose-crinkle and cry of ‘But sex should be spontaneous!’

In an ideal world, it would be.

Sadly, desire naturally falls over time and the routine of real life tends to take over.

Sex - nearly always last on the daily ‘to do’ list - inevitably gets pushed onto the ‘do tomorrow instead’ list. And again the next day.

Which is why getting couples to sign a ‘sex contract’ is a remarkably effective way to get things back on track if you’re having a few wobbles with your love life.

I know our problems are bigger than this. I think it's all to do with feeling unappreciated, disappointed with how our lives and relationship have weathered having children and I do think that dh is being borderline abusive when it comes to sex. My counselling made me realise that I only want to have sex when I feel like it - whether that is for my pleasure or his iykwim. I hate the feeling of having to do it.

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou Wed 10-Apr-13 10:32:47

No way in the world I could have sex with someone who was only doing it due to a contractual obligation. I have a higher sex drive than my DP, I am frustrated much of the time, and what is worse is the feeling of rejection but the answer is not to demand a good seeing to every mon wed and fri.

Do you have an actual lack of libido or is it more an incompatibility or is it that you just do't want to have sex with him (understandable as he does things you don't like and begs and makes you cry)

5madthings Wed 10-Apr-13 10:33:25

What man gets a woman to.wank.him.off when its upsetting her to the point of tears?!! shock

What is it that he keeps doing that you have asked him.not to?

A sex contract? No.just no!!!

Branleuse Wed 10-Apr-13 10:36:40

eugh NO.

I used to be in a sexless marriage and I did ask my ex to try and make the effort to get in the mood more often, but i never felt entitled to it, even though it was upsetting.

hes actually being awful to you.

Um, ok. I can see that if BOTH halves of a couple want to increase their sex life then it could work for them. This is clearly so unsuitable for your situation that it makes me want to scream at you "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO"

He wants to force you to have sex when you don't want to. That's it. And that's pretty much a definition for rape. The fact that he got any pleasure out of a situation when you were in tears is sickening.

If your libidos don't match, then the answer is talking, maybe therapy, and finding a solution together. Not him trying to force you into sex

LizzyMcGuire Wed 10-Apr-13 10:36:52

Listen.

He repeatedly does things during sex that you have said not to: this is assault by the way.

He demands sex from you even when you are asleep, waking you up and then getting you to wank him off even though you are crying: this is assault.

Why on earth would you want to sign a contract with a man who sexually assaults you?

He isn't being borderline abusive, by the way, he's the whole hog. The line was crossed a long time ago.

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou Wed 10-Apr-13 10:37:41

Doesn't everyone only want to have sex when they feel like it? Nobody wants the feeling of 'having to do it' and more significantly, normal people can't comprehend getting pleasure from having sex with someone who doesn't want to do it.

TheSmallPrint Wed 10-Apr-13 10:40:17

No, don't do it. You will resent having sex with him even more than you currently do. If he took the time to do the things on his side of the 'contract' in the first place perhaps there wouldn't be the need for him to pester!

MTBMummy Wed 10-Apr-13 10:40:37

Wow - just wow, honestly, there's no way I would be having sex with him at all...

Affection and togetherness should be part of any loving relationship, not a bargaining tool so he can get laid more often.

The trying something new also worries me, there's obviously "a bit of fun", but my sense is that this man will abuse that and turn it into something more sinister.

Please do not sign this contract, and please seriously reconsider whether you want this man in your life, as others have said his behavior is abusive

BertieBotts Wed 10-Apr-13 10:40:38

I'm guessing that's from one of those bullshit articles rattled off by students in between essays and drinking binges in order to make some spare cash. And 50 shades of grey has a lot to answer for angry

You say your counselling has made you realise (recently?) that you only want to have sex when you feel like it. This is normal! Nobody wants to have sex when they don't feel like it. And nobody - including you - has to have sex when they don't want or feel like it.

I made a sex contract with XP. I was fed up of being badgered every night so I set up the contract because it gave me set nights without pressure, and I knew what I was expected to "do" the rest of the time so I had time to psych myself up. Looking back I'm so, so horrified by this. It is truly awful. Your "D"H is not being borderline abusive when it comes to sex, he's being overtly and possibly even extremely abusive. He does things, repeatedly, that you don't like. That is extreme and overt abuse!

bootsgalore Wed 10-Apr-13 10:40:52

Well, the things he wants to do sound so innocuous that this is partly why he makes out that I am being unreasonable.

He wants to stroke me and touch my hair. He wants to have sex in the morning, often waking me up by said stoking, and then gets annoyed when I explain that I almost never feel sexy in the morning and being woken up is worse.

When we do have sex, I find it ok but never mind-blowing. This has always been the case. I don't think I have a particularly high libido. However, it has definitely got worse as it takes so long.

He has big problems with rejection (caused by me, he says) and describes it as me having stuck a knife in him.

BTW, I wasn't actually in tears and it was dark so he didn't know. I was furious though and was thinking "this had better be worth it for you as it's going to be the last time..."

redskynight Wed 10-Apr-13 10:40:55

He does things to you that you despise, even though you have said no. Do you want sex with this 'man'. No, it does not sound like a sex contract would help anyone, it is just a license for him to try new things out on you that he knows you would say no to.

TheSmallPrint Wed 10-Apr-13 10:41:07

And thinking up two new things every month?? Blimey, I'm exhausted even thinking about the prospect.

venusandmars Wed 10-Apr-13 10:42:26

I know that it sounds awful to talk about a 'sex contract' but to some extent it only formalising the kind of informal, unspoken agreements that we make with our partners. Unspoken understandings about how frequently sex happens, the kind of thing that tells you when a spell without sex becomes something that needs spoken about, the things that each of you know (for yourself and your partner) are deal breakers / never to be repeated, the subtle changes in circumstances that cause changes in your sex life and patterns.

Sometimes having a formal agreement can help when something becomes an issue that isn't resolved by usual communication.

However (and similar to any contract), the only people I know who have benefited from something like this have done it with the support of an experienced and trusted professional (e.g. pyschosexual counsellor). That way it is established in a way that is safe and reasonable for you both, that it is something that each of you really want, that there are clear arrangements for what will constitute breaking of the contract (e.g. your partner initiating sex with whatever act / behaviour you don't like). It should also be focussed on the positive - the things that you do like and the positive outcomes for each of you, and that there is a safe person for you to go to speak about how it is working.

However, like other posters, I think the position you are starting from is really worrying.

BertieBotts Wed 10-Apr-13 10:42:50

It doesn't matter if it sounds innocuous or if other people would like it. The fact is he continues to do things that you have clearly stated to him that you don't like. He doesn't have the right to decide what turns you on.

StiffyByng Wed 10-Apr-13 10:44:08

Your OP is so upsetting to read. I feel wretched for you. Your partner is being unreasonable and cruel.

Having read the blurb about sex contracts, I can see how they might work for someone like me, who ends up not having sex because they don't prioritise it and basically needs a bit of a reminder, but is sexually in tune with my other half, but then I can't imagine either of us waving it at each other if we genuinely didn't want sex for any reason, whereas from what you've said, this is what would happen to you.

Were you thinking that your side of the contract would be to get him to sign up to not doing all the things you don't enjoy? Do you think he would stick to that?

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