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Inlaws don't like me

(150 Posts)
BlackMaryJanes Wed 10-Apr-13 09:30:52

Been with DH for 8 years. Went through a financial crisis recently which put us under a lot of strain.

Then during an argument, DH blurts out that his family criticise me and he often has to defend me. Things they said about me include: that I've 'got it easy' and should get a job (I'm a SAHM to 2 toddlers who is actually struggling with the role).

I (naively) thought his family really liked me! Until now I had no reason to think otherwise. So I emailed them (politely) and asked them to clarify if it was true. They confirmed that they did say those things.

Now I'm worried. DH is a mommy's boy and loves his family fiercly. He hates me at the moment. I'm afraid they could push him into hating me more, and could crumble our marriage. There is, after all, only so much 'defending' DH can do (I'm upset that he even has to).

So basically my question to you guys is: If your inlaws don't like you, does it spell curtains for the marriage?

If your DH doesn't stand up for you and puts them ahead of you... don't see how it can continue.

NeedlesCuties Wed 10-Apr-13 09:44:10

OP, really strange: I had a dream last night that this happened to me confused I also have 2 young kids and am struggling with being a SAHM...

In reality though, you are actually going through this, and that's awful.

I read your other thread on AIBU.

It's bad that they said what they did, but I sort of think it's good they admitted to it.

Time will tell how your DH will react... it's good that he's been defending you, as you're his wife and you're the mother of his 2 babies.

I don't think my in-laws like me (hence the dream I had last night!) but DH and I are 100% on each other's side.

No advice for you, but just wanted you to know you're not alone. brew

MaryRobinson Wed 10-Apr-13 09:45:56

No it doesn't. But allowing them to teat you with zero respect does. You have to be good enough for yourself, and they can think whatever they like.

You are married to your husband, not them. So your answer to my family don't like you" should be (a) I'm not married to them (b) I'm not jumping through their hoops (c) why would your mother want to be the Other Woman in her son's marriage? (d) grow up! or (e) and?....

pictish Wed 10-Apr-13 09:48:05

Hmmmm.....I think your in laws do probably like you. They may not think you are perfect and said those things as it is their opinion...but that does not mean they dislike you.

Beware of making a mountain out of a molehill in that respect.

Be aware too, that blood IS thicker than water, and they will always side with their son over you. However...going by the information you have given, I think it is unlikely that they are urging your dh to escalate his marital problems!

I'm not sure how you jumped to that possible conclusion because they said you have an easy life. What did they reply in the email - were they rude or matter of fact?

BlackMaryJanes Wed 10-Apr-13 10:04:55

were they rude or matter of fact?

They were matter of fact. But why couldn't they say those things to my face? Why do I have to find out through DH?

Maybe it's just my naive world view, but I don't think you should slag off people behind their backs - particularly inlaws/family members. Whenever I meet them (rare as they live 200 miles away), they're always really nice to my face.

pictish Wed 10-Apr-13 10:14:14

Why would they say it to your face?

Do you share every negative opinion you have with a person, to their face?
Of course you don't. Neither do I.

It's their opinion. They haven't been rude, or made a point of it...they have continued to be pleasant towards you....it's just their opinion. They probably find you great overall, so it's not worth dwelling on. I should think.

Your dh used it as a weapon to spite you in an argument. You have payed right into his hands by escalating it.
Now you are feeling all betrayed, and ganged up on.
Unless you yourself are always upfront with negative opinions about other people to their face, you have created a bit of a shitstorm needlessly.

I don't think either of you should involve the inlaws in your marital disputes.

NotTreadingGrapes Wed 10-Apr-13 10:20:57

I clicked on this because I don't like mine, and they don't like me. I haven't seen them for 9 yrs. That's how big the mutual not liking is.

Your situation sounds a bit different and I'd second the idea that your main problem here is a husband who, in the middle of an argument about other things- money? throws "ner ner my mammy doesn't like you" into the ring as, what, exactly? A point scorer? To make you feel shit?

In answer to your OP, no, it doesn't have to mean curtains. I really believe that if I did have a relationship with mine then my relationship with dp would have ended years ago. But then mine has never used his parents' feelings towards me, against me. And you need to make very sure that yours doesn't either.

BlackMaryJanes Wed 10-Apr-13 10:33:51

*Do you share every negative opinion you have with a person, to their face?
Of course you don't. Neither do I.*

They're all warm and friendly to my face, which is two-faced behaviour. I was living under the (false) illusion that they really liked me. Surely you shouldn't slag off a family member's spouse unless you want to stir up drama and cause unhappiness for the marriage? Am I totally naive to think this?

bakingaddict Wed 10-Apr-13 10:45:22

I think the comment from your IL's that you have it easy probably came off the back of your husband complaining about money worries.

It sounds like he is running back to mummy complaining how hard he works while you get to sit on your arse all day. Probably they are affirming his thoughts regarding you, but ultimately it's stemming from your DH

BlackMaryJanes Wed 10-Apr-13 10:54:38

Now you are feeling all betrayed, and ganged up on.

Yes I feel massively ganged up on. I am struggling at the moment. Really struggling (with money, with the kids, with DH). I'm on the edge. I'm seeing the doctor to ask her to double my antidepressants tomorrow.

Knowing what my inlaws really think of me is like having a veil of comforting ignorance lifted. It makes life 10 x harder.

I don't think either of you should involve the inlaws in your marital disputes.

I COMPLETELY agree. What's bizarre is that DH is absolutely FUMING that I contacted the inlaws. He says he will never forgive me for 'dragging them into this'. WTF??? He brought them into this, not me!! And when I warned him that I was going to contact them to ask what the deal was, he goaded me and say "go on then!"

I can't fucking win.

clam Wed 10-Apr-13 10:57:46

It doesn't sound to me as if the ILs are the main issue here, but your relationship with your dh.

BlackMaryJanes Wed 10-Apr-13 10:57:55

a husband who, in the middle of an argument about other things- money? throws "ner ner my mammy doesn't like you" into the ring as, what, exactly? A point scorer? To make you feel shit?

That's exactly what happened. And now HE'S pissed off because I contacted the inlaws!!

mine has never used his parents' feelings towards me, against me. And you need to make very sure that yours doesn't either.

Used it against me? Do you mean, like he has?

It sounds like he is running back to mummy complaining how hard he works while you get to sit on your arse all day. Probably they are affirming his thoughts regarding you, but ultimately it's stemming from your DH

Yes you could be right. But if he has them rubbing his back and agreeing with everything he says, he will start to actually believe that I truly 'have it easy' and am a waste of space. The inlaws are effectively contributing to DH's resentment of me.

NotTreadingGrapes Wed 10-Apr-13 11:11:01

Yes and Yes. (my points that you asked me about)

Really, I think he is the problem here, not them. But together, they will make a formidable team. Get your balls out girl, because you are going to need them. Good luck.

HappyMummyOfOne Wed 10-Apr-13 11:12:06

I think you have stirred up a hornetts nest in emailing them, your DH should never have opened his mouth and told you and younshould never have dragged them into this. You are adults not children. His parents are allowed their opinion, it doesnt mean they dislike you altogether. Do you love everything about everyone, i doubt it. We are all critical and judge at times.

Perhaps they are worried for their son and see that he is suffering and under financial pressure. Maybe they expected you to work with him to ease that pressure by gettng a job around him etc. No parent likes to see their child stressed. Your DH may have talked to them, he should be able to confide in his parents.

BlackMaryJanes Wed 10-Apr-13 11:24:56

Get your balls out girl, because you are going to need them.

Erm.... in what way?

your DH should never have opened his mouth and told you and younshould never have dragged them into this.

Wasn't it him that dragged them into this? I never brought them up.

Do you love everything about everyone, i doubt it. We are all critical and judge at times.

I wouldn't try to stir up any drama in the marriage of any family members, which is what they've done with their 'opinions', would you not agree?

clam Wed 10-Apr-13 11:30:13

But if they've given their opinions within the context of a private conversation with their son, then it's slightly different. He, however, should not have flung it at you in an argument, although it's easy to forget such things in the heat of the moment.
But I would have had it out with him, not them, regardless of him saying "go on then." It should have been obvious that he didn't mean it.

BlackMaryJanes Wed 10-Apr-13 11:32:10

He, however, should not have flung it at you in an argument

But he did, so what did he expect me to do with it??

clam Wed 10-Apr-13 11:35:13

Nothing. At least, nothing that involved confronting them about it in the way that you did. It's him you have the issue with.

BlackMaryJanes Wed 10-Apr-13 11:37:23

Nothing. At least, nothing that involved confronting them about it in the way that you did. It's him you have the issue with.

But until now I thought they liked me. Knowing what they really think has been a huge punch. I now know I'm fighting a loosing battle. With his family urging him on, I haven't got a hope in hell.

DH, by the way, is ignoring me. So I have no idea what is happening with our marriage.

oldwomaninashoe Wed 10-Apr-13 11:49:03

Your In laws saw your DH having a big financial struggle without (as they see it) you doing anything to alleviate that.
They are entitled to their opinion but as others have said do not actively dislike you but are critical of what they see as your inertia in helping your DH out.
They probably expected you to get an evening job in a supermarket, or do something to help in some way, and you didn't.
Neither of you are right or wrong in your expectations or attitudes, but I am guessing that the way your Dh behaved suggests that he agrees with their expectations of you!
Just a thought but perhaps if you did get out and do a part-time job you would not find being with 2 smallDc's so tedious and difficult.
You should let this "argument" blow over. Give it time, and treat them when you see them with courtesy, they don't hate you they just have a different view to you!
You put them on the spot with that email, and they were at least honest in their response.
Let it go, don't let it affect your relationship with your DH. But do look hard at yourself and your reaction to all of this, why are you so bothered, just because you are married to their son they don't have to dote on you.
Why is this affecting you so badly, might it be that deep down you feel that their criticism of your lack of support to DH has some substance?

clam Wed 10-Apr-13 11:52:23

If you've always had a good relationship with them, and believed they've liked you, then they probably do. Try and separate that from this one episode. You can like someone yet disagree with how you think they're behaving or something they've done or said.

Its your dh that is the problem Imo.
He has quite obviously gone round there complaining about how you have it easy, then proceeded to tell you what they said in answer to that.

I don't think they are out to cause problems, your dh needs to speak with you as its quite obvious its him who has the dislike of you being a sahm.

BlackMaryJanes Wed 10-Apr-13 12:13:53

I am guessing that the way your Dh behaved suggests that he agrees with their expectations of you!

Yup. I'm toast aren't I?

But do look hard at yourself and your reaction to all of this, why are you so bothered, just because you are married to their son they don't have to dote on you.

This is the first time in 8 years that they've ever bitched about me.

I don't think they are out to cause problems

How would their comments do anything but cause problems?

BlackMaryJanes Wed 10-Apr-13 12:14:40

The emails are turning a little nasty now. MIL is now talking about 'work ethic' - how they all have a work ethic.

Which implies that being a SAHM isn't 'work'.

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