Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
Break up help(23 Posts)
Reading this is helpful to know other people out there are going through the same as me... I broke up with my fiance 3 days ago, we have been together for 9 years (we are both 25). I have put him and his happiness before mine for years, and last week he told me that he wasn't sure he wanted to get married or have kids, and felt he needed time on his own, and has kissed girls in the past (which i had to pull out of him as i felt he may have been unfaithful) still couldn't believe what he was saying and kidded myself everything would be ok!!!!! It was only at the weekend i finally woke up and said it was over. I have been staying with my parents and my friends, and am going to look at an apartment later on. I cant believe how weak i had been to let him walk all over me, and now i am being strong and saying 'enough is enough' he is turning it round on me and everyone is to feel sorry for him, putting sad status on social network sights and crying to his friends...but it was him who wanted this!!! I have text him to ask when he is going to get his stuff from our house, he is ignoring this and just texting things like 'I miss you' etc! I havent text back to it i need to be strong.
He probably never thought i would actually go through with it. Its a shame as i really do love him in every way and have some fantastic Memories with him, but if he doesn't know what he wants or cant commit after 9 years then i think i am doing the right thing?!!
Thanks for listening to me go on, feels good to write it out
Well done! You have been very brave.
You are so young and have your whole life ahead of you, don't settle for 'not sure'.
It is hard I know and 9 years is a long time but Stay strong and Ignore his pity me texts, you know you are doing the right thing. He cant have it both ways!
Enjoy looking at new apartments and just living!
Thank you catkin14, it is really hard as its like losing your best friend too
I know i deserve better and someone that wants to get married have kids etc and to commit to me!! All my friends are coupled up/married so im the only single one now, i need to spend a year or so finding me and putting myself first for once
Regarding his stuff, you can tell him that you'll put it outside the door at a certain time.
He can go and collect it by then.
Look at all the positives - now you're single you can think about the things YOU really like doing, or think you might like to try. In doing them you can make new friends.
Oh. You go girl. I wish I'd done the same in my mid-20s when a similar "opportunity" presented itself with my then fiancé.
You are absolutely doing the right thing because marriage and kids isn't something you can compromise on. And you've made the decision when you've got enough self-esteem to know you deserve better.
So I shall raise a to the brave decision you've made and the adventure you're about to go on.
You have done the right thing Pinky. I'm so sorry, I know exactly how much it hurts. I was in pretty much the same place you were a year and a half ago. I felt so the same, I also remember feeling like I wasted money on buying him stuff, times I stayed when my mates asked me out in bc he wanted me to, gaah. You will find new friends, find new things about yourself, and someone who wants what you want. Could you afford to go travelling? That's what I would have loved to have done if I could have afforded it
You should feel proud of yourself that you've been strong enough to make this decision. I second that
Thank you so much guys for your comments. Feeling less emotional each day but i have been staying at my mums so feel protected here lol.
Have had to delete social networking sites as dont want to read his updates of where hes going and what hes doing ??pathetic??
Have managed to find a lush new build flat and have secured it today just need to get all his crap out the current place! Am looking forward to living alone, doing what I want and like you guys said putting myself first. I have an interview friday( interview 5 hours long? With group interviews and individual interviews!) fingers crossed i get it and then its a whole new chapter for me
How long will it be until i dont think about him constantly and care what hes doing lol!!!
Ask him one more time when is he collecting his stuff then give it 24 hours and tell him you will pack his stuff and leave it outside for him.
I think it depends. You're grieving the end of a planned future. Each day will take you closer though. And in the grand scheme of life just a very short while compared to all the fun you'll have once this bit is over
Thank you for advice. He keeps texting me pictures of us together and sounds how upset he is and he keeps crying.
I havent text back- dont want to give him false hope as i am moving forward, as hard as it is!
Everyone is different when grieving a lost relationship.
You'll start to think about him less and less and then only think of him occasionally but it will take time!!!
I split from my H nearly 4 years ago and still think of him at times.
It just gets to a more 'ah that was a good time' sort of thing rather than missing them like mad.
You know you are doing the right thing and whole new chapter can begin for you now!
Good luck and well done!
pinky Very very jealous
and in awe of you. I wasted years and years not making the very brave decision you have just made. I wish i had done this. The new apartment, the new job, the endless possibilities!
Definately do not engage in the pity texts, even to say stop. He will stop quicker if he has no replies.
Definately send 1 text to say your stuff will be outside on such a day at such a time.
And then have a wonderful life.
That's really brave of you. You will look back on this as a watershed moment in your life, I am sure. You're right in your OP - after 9 years if he won't commit - it won't work. If he won't come and get his stuff - can you take it to his parents or to a friends? You shouldn't have to but neither should you have to live amongst his stuff!
I have a couple of friends who I wish would display your bravery - ending a relationship is never easy but sometimes it is the right thing to do.
I'm also 25, was beginning to despair that nobody my age has any backbone... good for you for realising that 25 is only the beginning of your life, and good luck with the future!
These messages help so much, thanks guys. Have countless phone calls and texts this evening saying he didnt mean it , he so sorry,he loves me loads etc and cant think of me with someone else and won't give up chasing me. I've replied that im sticking with my decision and i didnt get there lightly, hes behaviour and actions have got
Me here. Just ignoring messages now as hes not listening to what im saying, and hes grasping at straws.
Hard to be so strong and i actually feel sorry for him and worry for him?
Maybe il get less soft as i get older lol
Ah. Pinky. You're a good un. He might think he loves you but the fact he isn't listening shows a lack of respect. Respect is just as important as love in my experience [old gimmer who's learnt life lessons emoticon]
Yes i am getting annoyed he isnt listening. He's saying how hurtful it is that i dont want him etc.. He bloody started this!! Sorry just frustrated :/
Have my interview this afternoon so need to push him out of my mind and focus on myself- as hard as it is :/
Do stay strong. You're far too young to be saddled with someone who isn't sure how they feel about you, cheats on you with other girls and lets you put his happiness before your own. He had everything, he blew it & if he's now thinking he made a massive mistake the phrase you want is 'you made your bed, so lie in it'. Switch your phone off so you don't have to read the texts etc.
Didnt get the job i went for today ( bit upset and feeling weaker than have been. Goin to cinema tonight with family to take
Mind off things- he keeps messaging me to meet up and talk, were over means were over!!
Oh. That's tough. It'll be because a new and even more suitable job is awaiting you around the corner, if you look you'll find it. Life has a funny way of making things work out. I've been rejected for jobs before that the next day an opportunity a million times better came up.
It might be worth getting his number blocked just to give you the headspace to look after yourself.
Good to see you looking after yourself.
Tell him to stop harassing you, it's getting ridiculous by the sounds of it. Keep your chin up and do exactly what you're doing, small activities with family and friends to take your mind off things and keep you strong.
Don't give in to him, it will achieve nothing!
Thanks guys, felt really low yesterday as didnt get the job and he was texting me as usual. I was strong and didnt text back, went out to the cinema instead to take mind off it. Been a week now since splitting, cant bear to think how i was feeling this time last week- its true everyday gets a bit easier xx
Finally spoke to him on the phone after nearly 2 weeks of just communicating by text, as he wasnt getting the message thats its over and was texting my family etc trying to talk to me.
It was horrible near 1.5hrs of him crying and saying hes realised how hes treated me but won't ever let me go, will give me my space and hope in time il give him the opportunity to prove he can be everything i want.
I stayed very strong in the phonecall did not cry, although had a cry to myself after as i felt horrible, was like im hurting him and hes the victim. He even said at end of phonecall 'please tell me you love me just say it once'. It was horrible, i feel like he is goin to do something stupid so i phoned his parents to keep an eye on him. They said he is emotionally blackmailing me.
I feel awful, i wish he was the other way and was being horrible and that hes found someone else etc... This way just upsets me as i still care about him, wish i could just hate him but i can't.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.