So betrayed

[firstpost]

Currently 28 weeks pregnant. DH deploys for 7 months next week. He has been away on a lot of foreign trips as part of training. Inspired by another thread I asked him if he went to a strip club when he was last away. Fully expected him to say no, but he had. And then obviously lied as nothing was mentioned at the time.

I should add I am not in a good place emotionally at the moment. Quite depressed, don't feel the "right" way about this baby which makes me me feel so ashamed and disgusted as our first baby was born after infertility and 3 rounds of ivf. Think feelings about the baby all tangled up with fear of this upcoming deployment.

So, after the big reveal I went upstairs he didn't come after me, apologise, or even think he had done anything wrong.

I feel betrayed and powerless and so upset. It's not like we have long to resolve this as he leaves next week. I am disgusted that he went to such a sleazy place, and then lied. And then not even brave enough to talk to me about it.

Not sure why I'm posting, just feel so utterly alone

[EssexWelsh]

I had the same conversation after must be the same thread on here.

DP had been on stag do, which he is best man for and indeed they did go, didn't ask at the time, but truthfully didn't bother me at all, because he was in a large group, for a stag, it was a standard strip club, I clarified he didn't have any private dances and he laughed and said of course not, honestly believe him then we discussed the thread and I said just so you know NEVER have a private dance, so he knew the boundaries and couldn't argue in the future, he assured me he wouldn't, we had a cuddle end of.

So I think if he was with a large group of blokes, don't worry, it's very hard to be the one to say no to going, most decent blokes think they are seedy too but it's just something they go along with. If he was on his own or with maybe one other I would be upset and especially of he had a private dance which I believe the other thread was more like.

I also told mine, I was just conscience I'm massive not feeling attractive and would hate him to compare me, which he of course reassured me etc and don't forget the hormones that doubly makes us vulnerable when pregnant, normally you would probably deal with this better. Let alone him going away and the vulnerability that brings.

Also make it clear your boundaries for the future then he can't argue, especially as he is going away or you will always be thinking he's gone to one again when you are not with him.

Remember he chose you to be with and have a baby with, not some horrid stripper!

[firstpost]

Thanks so much for your thoughtful reply. I know it's all a bit out of perspective, I haven't slept since 2am when I woke up. I can't help feeling like he has gone down in my estimation.. Wrong words but you know what I mean. I wanted him to be the kind of man who would say no? Also, it sounds like your Dh said everything right to reassure you, mine said nothing

I have two horrible options now. This becomes a massive issue just before he goes or I put on the best act of my life and pretend I am over it. Neither is particularly appealing right now!

[Carolra]

Argh OP! I'm sorry you're in this position. When you say he's lied to you about going, do you mean that he categorically denied ever being there or do you mean that he just never mentioned it?! Cause there is a big difference!!

My DH has been to strip clubs, on stags and on work related events (yes, really, vom). It disgusts me that they exist and I'd prefer that he didn't go, but I understand that in some situations it's hard (impossible?!) to be the one not going... As Essex said, it's what happens when he's there that is the issue...

Can you talk more about it with him? Calmly explain how you feel about it and why it hurts you. Set boundaries that you can both live with....as horrible as it is, I wouldn't judge a man for going to one, its considered "normal" by many people... Weirdos!!

[firstpost]

We spoke every night he was on that trip. He never mentioned either plans to go or that he had been. I don't know if its fair but that feels like lying to me?

I am sure that my current "perfect storm" of deployment, pregnancy and anxiety is making this seem worse than perhaps it needs to be. Also just had massive fallout with my hellish MIL and felt very unsupported by DH - but that's a whole other thread...

Just feel so betrayed and at the time when I most want to feel close to him. I don't want regrets in the months to come. Thanks for replies, it is helping.

[AllOverIt]

What an awful situation. I think you need to sit down and have a chat about how you're feeling before he leaves.

I know how you feel. I've been in a similar situation with DH myself. We had lots of heart-to-hearts about it. I loathe the idea of him going whilst on a stag do, but have come to terms with it. He's only been about three times on various stags. He's not comfortable with it either and on the last two stags there was a group of guys going on to another bar instead so he tagged along with them.

Luckily we're getting too old now for him to get invited along much

[mummytime]

I would suggest you also have a good talk with you MW (or GP if the MW is useless). Discuss all your fears, and your emotional state, and that he's about to be deployed. It could be normal hormones, and there could be tests that will reassure you; on the other hand there is pre-natal depression or even something like low iron can be just the thing to make everything unbearable.

With your DH I would try to arrange sometime to talk honestly, about your feelings about the strip club, but also your other worries and concerns. Do try using lots of "I" language eg. "I worry that as you didn't tell me at the time, maybe I still don't know everything that happened" rather than "Did you do anything else and not tell me?"

Do take care of yourself.

[Ledkr]

Op if it is unacceptable to you then make it clear to him.
You do not need to compromise your own standards and boundaries just to keep him happy.
Men are not special beings with big sexual desires that need fulfilling they are I intelligent adults with choices.
The fact that you say he lied shows that he knows it would hurt you but he still did it.
This is not acceptable in my marriage and in many other people's.
If you are upset and offended then make sure he knows it.
You cannot tell another adult what to do but I'd question my husbands love and respect for me if he chose looking at naked women that he's paid for over my feelings.

[firstpost]

Am just lying here crying, waiting for my toddler to wake up. The advice you have all given is so helpful, thankyou. Talking about emotions is not something he can do very well.. He tends to look stunned and doesn't say anything. I end up escalating because his silence is so difficult to bear.

I do find the lying the worst part. Less than two years ago I found out about a secret 14k loan he had taken out. This was just Days after I had given him my whole redundancy payout to pay off his credit card. I will admit a lot of the expense on his cc were mine but the lies damaged us. I had been gleefully telling people we were debt free

Don't know what to say to him when he wakes.

I do think I may have pre natal depression and ironically the only person I have told is him. My doc and midwife are army and she says she has no sympathy for pregnant ladies with deployed husbands as we knew what we were signing up for!! I hope my feelings about the new baby are just fears about doing it alone and will all change when he arrives.

Thanks again, talking it out is helping

[Ledkr]

You are going through a lot right now and what he has done has clearly not helped his you are feeling.
If you can please portray this to him so he is clear.
So leaving that aside for now it dies sound as if you need some help.
Obviously gp or midwife today, can you do that?
Can you get your friends or family to rally round for a bit?
What are your plans for today? Let's start there.

[Ledkr]

I think you should write a letter to your dh telling him how his various lies and behaviour have made you feel. That way he can't go blank and you don't need to get upset.
Your midwife sounds a prat have you a nice SAFFA person you can speak to? You need support right now.
How your dh has behaved with everything you have said is unacceptable so you feel angry and upset because if it not because you are pregnant or depressed!!!

[firstpost]

Stop being so kind it's making me cry harder no, really don't want to talk to army gp or midwife. Massive consequences for Dh if it affected his deployment. Had a similar situation when ds was born. to cut a long story short Dh was bought home from exercise early and if it happened again his career would be over.

I am just making some new friends here but we are barely at the coffee and chat stage .. Not big snotty crying stage! Have great friends I can talk to on phone but they live hours away.

Am supposed to be having lovely family day trip and lunch with Dh. I woke at 2am so will be suffering today.

I will talk to him, try to say my piece and then try and leave it alone. "Fake it til you make it" or something like that.

[Ledkr]

Well that's not my philosophy op but then I'm not in your situation.
Where abouts are you? Mumsneters have been known to do meet ups.
For me personally I'd be very upfront and honest about his behaviour and how I feel about it. That alone would make me fe better.
If you are angry and upset then tell him so. Fuck him he's upset you so why spare his bloody feelings.
Angry for you now

[mummytime]

Oh the MW sounds totally useless!

Can you go and talk to a non-military one? If you are in the UK, try talking to someone from the hospital you are booked in. Or try these people, non-military and exprienced in pre and post natal depression. If it is the problem and you get treated and supported your DH doesn't need to be affected; if you don't it could escalate until he has to be.

[Ledkr]

mummytime don't forget the ops dh has given her good reasonto feel shit.
I'm never keen to suggest a person is depressed just because their partner\friends/family have behaved badly.
She may well be but his actions have certain exasperated things for her.

[firstpost]

Thanks all will be toddler wrangling for a while now. Gotta love that he just slept for 12 hours and I was up at 2 anyway. I am not sure if its real depression as circumstances around the baby would be stressful for most people. That said, it does feel very different to ds1.

I really appreciate everyone who posted and got me through the last few hours. I love mumsnet, don't care what anyone says

[AllOverIt]

Your midwife sounds shite. Insensitive bitch!

[firstpost]

Well, so far so predictable. I am getting it all out of proportion, he had to go cos he was driving, he stood at the back! I dragged a reluctant apology for lying to me. The only sensible thing he had said us how do we move on.. The problem is I don't know. I just feel so heartbroken. About the fact he went at all, and the lying. How am I supposed to believe there is nothing else to discover? I can't trust him now. Just sat here crying while he plays with our son. I hate that he witnessed that conversation too.

[ladymariner]

Poor you, i do sympathise and I'm another who thinks your midwife is an insensitive cow, please do try to find a different one if at all possible.

I also think that a lot of the strip club thing depends on whether he actually said at the time he didn't go, or whether he just didn't mention it because he knew your views on it and didn't want to upset you. I'm not in any way excusing his behaviour, I too loathe the places and wouldn't be too happy if dh went to one, but I can sort of see that if he was on a lads night out and the rest of the party wanted to go to one it would be very difficult for him to say no, especially given his career where they all depend on being part of the team.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Urgh - why are you all putting up with men who can't man up and say no thanks. Are they really that weak and pathetic?!

[Doha]

Cancel your day out. Get him to take your DS away for a while, you need some space and time (and sleep) to get your head together.
Perhaps if he sees just how devastated you are and the potential consequences of his action (single parenthood) he may just realise just how much he has fucked up

[purplewithred]

We're talking Army here? It's all very well your mw saying 'you knew what you were letting yourself in for' - that's like saying you know childbirth will hurt a bit before you have your first baby. Knowing and experiencing is something different.

My DP is army - only TA now thank goodness, but he's still very much part of it. I'm afraid it's not like civilian life, it's pretty tough in weird ways for all concerned.

You talk about him 'lying' to you about the credit card, but then say much of the debt was yours. And 'lying' about the strip club but in fact he never said he'd not been, just didn't tell you he had been, and I think it would have been very difficult and divisive for him not to go. And he wants to get over this and move on and fix it for you.

It sounds to me as though he has been trying to protect you and your marriage. Not necessarily a great strategy but a very good intention.

Get away from the army midwife and gp and go to an outside practice. Go and sob on the shoulders of other army spouses even if you don't know them very well, they are all living the same fresh hell as you. Appreciate that he may not be perfect but he values your marriage and family and you.

[firstpost]

Just to clarify with the credit card, I paid that Off in its entirety with my redundancy .. Yes some of the charges would have been for joint meals etc but he repeatedly told me the balance was 2 or 3k not 10k! The secret loan was entirely that .. I knew nothing about it all and certainly didn't see a penny of it.

He did lie, he lied by omission when he told me about his nice civilised meal and an early night and forgot to mention the naked women he paid to "view" for want of a better word.

[QuietTiger]

I'm so sorry you're having such a tough time. Like others say, it might be an idea to get away from the army midwife if you can. If you can't, it might be worth, if you are "army" and you don't want to let others know how you are really feeling, to think about having a chat with the Padre - if he's a sensible approachable sort. You don't have to be "religious", their job is to support emotionally too. They are also bound to confidentiality, so can't just "blab" to others, IYSWIM?

[firstpost]

Thanks everyone. Am very muddle headed but I know that the support I have received today has been amazing. I will have a think about the midwife. She also said something along the lines of, well at least your husband will be coming back, mine died and is never coming back. So I think I would feel a bit inhibited about sharing any difficulties relating to DH being away.

I feel like I have to leave it with DH now. We have talked, he has apologised - didnt realise it would this big a deal etc. I feel wrung out, perhaps this has got out of proportion, I know everyone draws lines in different places - but he knew my line was drawn above entering one of these places.

From alot of the replies I can see that perhaps my reaction is over the top. My problem is, I cant change how I feel though. I do feel disgusted in him. I do feel like he should have been a stronger man and not gone. All the time this clock is ticking over my head, he leaves so soon. I dont know how to "be". It feels so false to just start talking about normal stuff.

I do want this baby but some of my thoughts are just not quite right. I will keep an eye on myself (!) and if things get worse I will seek help.

Thanks lovely mumsnetters, I really mean it.

[mummytime]

I'm not criticising or saying your reaction is wrong BTW. I just think from reading your posts that you are feeling very hormonal and obviously emotional especially as your DH is about to be mobilised. So things may seem even harder to deal with than "normal".

Your MW sounds awful, and what she said is something I would share with other wives. To be honest with that attitude I doubt most women would want her help or advice. Yes it is hard for her that her husband didn't come back, but she needs to get over it or think of working somewhere different, she is not really doing her job.