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29 year age gap - can a relationship work? Also...'bedroom advice' please!

(122 Posts)
praying4winter Tue 09-Apr-13 11:19:37

I've been seeing a man who is 29 years older than me, for about 6 months now.

We've discussed the possibility of a proper future between us and he seems keen; as am I, but he keeps saying although the age gap doesn't matter to him, he's worried that as I get into my 40s and "hit their prime and become sexier" (his words, he says it happens to all women), it will cause problems as he will be (again, in his own words) "a geriatric".

He keeps himself fit; lots of walking/hiking, jujitsu, has a young outlook on life and has no health problems as yet - whereas I have a dodgy back/shoulders, my mum was signed off work permanently at the age of just 42 due to rheumatoid arthritis and she also has so many health issues; it's likely I'll 'degenerate' before him! smile

Can a relationship work with such an age difference? If you saw a 31 year old woman with a 60 year old man would you think that was weird? Worth more than just the first glance, that kind of thing.
He's quite 'hippy dippy' (for want of a better phrase) and dresses in combats, baggyish jeans with a shirt and hoodies, but it suits him.
So not like he's dressing or acting his age.

My second question is the sex.

I don't want to stereotype, but I've always been with men my own age (and not many of them either).
We have had sex once, but he calls it making love and is very into pleasing me first, very touchy feely and takes it slow and lovingly, whereas my past exes (there have only been 2 of them) have been quite fast and furious - not all the time, but I do enjoy that sometimes.
I enjoy 'giving' rather than receiving (you know?) but no idea whether he's into 'those' as he hasn't said and I have no idea how - or even whether to - ask him, same goes for umm...sorry but I need to ask - anal? I have done it and enjoy it...I'm guessing he may not (he has said he's been fairly traditional and not tried tying up/being tied up, dressing up etc but would be willing to try most things).

I don't want to come across as some nympho and scare him to death but he doesn't seem totally at ease using the more crude words to describe the acts I want to indulge in, so I feel quite awkward in knowing how to ask what he likes or would be willing to try.

This is a genuine post, honest - so any answers appreciated smile

bohemimum Tue 09-Apr-13 11:26:12

Good luck to you - he sounds lovely. Perfect almost and I'm sure you deserve such love and affection.
Who gives a toss what anyone thinks; just ask him all those questions. If you can't, then it won't work, and if you can then there's your answer!
I wouldn't judge, I would be just pleased to know you were content.

CuChullain Tue 09-Apr-13 11:29:48

He would make an excellent first husband.

Coffee1Sugar Tue 09-Apr-13 11:30:46

Happy for you smile No personal experience (only 8 years between me and dp) but my auntie (57) is married to a 77 yo. She married at just 19 and said that the first 25years were great but now it really is noticeable and she's unhappy. He's aged very quickly and admits to being his Carer now not wife. She's been the sole earner for 17 years since he retired which has been a mammoth struggle for her.

Enjoy yourself in the now but do think about the future

praying4winter Tue 09-Apr-13 11:31:05

Thank you bohemimum .

We get on so well, our personalities really click - I think to outsiders it would be obvious he's not a millionaire and I'm not a gold digger; the odd judgemental comment is easily dealt with but if the majority thought it was a bit weird or 'icky' (or funny!) then I'd worry it would make him feel bad.

True about the questions though; it's because he seems quite uncomfortable and he says it's because he was brought up very traditionally, for example with the oral sex thing (me to him) I was thinking of just kissing my way down there but...I don't know, don't want to make him feel awkward or anything.

He is lovely though smile

McBalls Tue 09-Apr-13 11:31:31

It could work, the key (for me) would be his relationship history - if he only went with much younger women for example.

Btw, you've had sex once and you're wondering how to ask if he likes anal? Seriously??

praying4winter Tue 09-Apr-13 11:34:21

Many replies while I was typing...

Coffee1Sugar - he said as much; that the first 20 years would probably be fine as he keeps himself fit etc., but was worried that after that I might end up resenting him if he crumbled (his words again!).

My reasoning was that a lot of people that get married early on in life - as teenagers or early 20s for example, might last for 15-20 years before growing apart, as you grow a lot within yourself at that age.

Plus - a 20 year relationship is a good thing to me! And if he met someone new at the age of 60, then even if the worst came to it and it ended in exactly 20 years' time, I'd be 51 so who says I wouldn't meet someone new at that age as well?

Pendipidy Tue 09-Apr-13 11:34:49

You sound sex obsessed and that is not going to be fulfilling when he is so much older than you. You have different priorities to him, sexually and otherwise.

Dahlen Tue 09-Apr-13 11:35:43

I think you're overthinking this and should just go with the flow. As long as you're not considering marriage or moving in together, what have you got to lose? Take your time. Spend more time together. Make love more. After a while you'll discover if you're long-term compatible (in which case you'll just deal with the age-gap) or not (in which case you'll call it off before it ever becomes an issue). Same goes for the sex. After you've made love 'conventionally' for a while, it will seem far easier and more natural to discuss or try out new things.

praying4winter Tue 09-Apr-13 11:36:32

McBalls

No. I'm wondering how to broach the subject of the 'other side' of sex.

Not saying I'll ask straight away but if we're not compatible sexually - or if he'd never be interested in all that whereas I quite like it (within a loving, caring, long-term relationship) then it will matter.

Gay40 Tue 09-Apr-13 11:38:40

I don't think you should worry about the age gap, just enjoy the fact you've met a nice man who seems to genuinely care about you (inside and outside the bedroom). You can never tell who will the be first one to go, so no point in worrying about it.
6 months isn't long really, in terms of trying new sex things. I don't know how other people word these things but I'd try just describing the act you'd like to do and judging the response - not using "crude" words if you think it will make him feel uncomfortable.
However, the power of suggestion when you are in the Zone......

McBalls Tue 09-Apr-13 11:42:36

But you'll find out this things naturally, the way you've found out with previous partners, surely?

I think perhaps you are, unintentionally, seeing him as some kind of other so you're sort of thinking about him in an analytical way rather than just letting things evolve naturally?

If he feels too different to you, and you can't imagine being honest with him about certain things then that's probably a good sign that it ain't a goer.

Owllady Tue 09-Apr-13 11:46:02

do you really think older people don't like oral sex? confused
you are really confusing me. People over 40 aren't victorians

AnyFucker Tue 09-Apr-13 11:46:20

I thought you were asking for age gap relationship advice, not how you can manoevre an elderly man into taking you up the Marmite Tower ?

Owllady Tue 09-Apr-13 11:47:44

arf!

Meringue33 Tue 09-Apr-13 11:47:45

A good friend of mine has settled down with a woman twenty years younger than him, he is 50 and she 30. They are very happy together. He has had the snip (2 DC by earlier partner) and was adamant he wanted no more kids. She was happy with that - she works with kids, has nephews living practically next door and he has a grandchild now so they will have kids in their lives.

As far as becoming someone's carer goes - that could happen at any age to either partner, thro ill health or accident. If you are making a LT commitment you are signing up for this possibility/eventuality. Fwiw my gran died at 95 and until near the end was in much better health than many 65 year olds.

Sex - it sounds like inexperience rather than age is the issue here. If you are more experienced be gentle. Do not patronise or undermine but seek to build his confidence. Be guided by love and introduce kinks later once you have established regular good relations. (Tho if kinky sex is an absolute must-have for you, be honest about this early in case it really isn't for him).

praying4winter Tue 09-Apr-13 11:48:08

Possibly, McBalls.

Truth is, he mentioned he was married to a woman for 25 years (together for 28) and she never initiated anything, or even touched him. It was him making all the effort - they never cuddled or showed any affection; and he felt unwanted for the whole 25 years.

I have no reason to believe he wasn't telling the truth about that (his eyes looked sad when he told me, so I think it was genuine) so don't want him thinking I'm the same.

I do the cuddling thing, love the affection side of it and how attentive he is in bed (and out), just want to make him feel ok about things.

But you're right, it would/should happen 'organically' and if it doesn't then maybe we're not suited after all.

I thought you were asking for age gap relationship advice, not how you can manoevre an elderly man into taking you up the Marmite Tower ?

Crying with laughter AF smile

Can I just follow you around the boards today, we can ignore all the Thatcher threads?

CuChullain Tue 09-Apr-13 11:51:49

"I'm wondering how to broach the subject of the 'other side' of sex."

Just ask, you are six months into the relationship, you should at this stage be able to discuss your likes/dislikes/fantasies etc without fear of judgement or embarassement. But you do need to get your 'bedroom desires' into the open, or you will just end unsatisified when that certain itch cant be scratched. For all you know he might love the idea of anal but for his generation it was the ultimate taboo so is afriad to ask.

praying4winter Tue 09-Apr-13 11:51:51

AF - that was actually hilarious, thanks smile

Owllady - nope, didn't think that but he was making a big thing of pleasing me and never mentioned me doing anything in return. Wasn't sure whether I was just meant to, or wait for him to ask blush
I had very forthright exes previously...plus with him, he didn't give me the chance to go down that way, he kept kissing me and...well I'm not more experienced, I am quite shy...I've just had different experiences to him.

And...was it AF that asked? Yes I was asking for advice on whether the relationship could feasibly work, but then everyone jumped on the sex bit.

Pendipidy Tue 09-Apr-13 12:03:47

man, i just spat my sandwich with laughter at the marmite tower and my 5 year old keeps asking what i am laughing at!

LessMissAbs Tue 09-Apr-13 12:09:41

Age gaps are only relevant if you make them relevant. Although that said, I often think theres all the advantages for the man in these big age gap relationships and none for the woman. Unless the man has plenty of money/wisdom. Which is not always the case.

You sound a very immature 30 year old. This paragraph caught my eye:

He keeps himself fit; lots of walking/hiking, jujitsu, has a young outlook on life and has no health problems as yet - whereas I have a dodgy back/shoulders, my mum was signed off work permanently at the age of just 42 due to rheumatoid arthritis and she also has so many health issues; it's likely I'll 'degenerate' before him

You sound like you are trying to "bring yourself down" to what you perceive to be his level physically. Which is not a good thing. If you are that easily influenced by those around you, it would probably be a good idea for you, in an ideal world, to be with someone who inspires you to greater things. Always assuming you have a big choice available to you.

freeandhappy Tue 09-Apr-13 12:13:54

Oh God AF you are v funny! That is hilarious.

MorrisZapp Tue 09-Apr-13 12:20:11

Lol@ AF

But seriously folks. In any actuarial sense, if you marry somebody 30 years older than you, the overwhelming likelihood is that they will die long before you, especially if they are male and you are female.

Age isn't just a number.

MordecaiAndRigby Tue 09-Apr-13 12:22:38

Beautifully put AF.

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