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Did you leave long term relationship? If so how did it feel?

(21 Posts)
catkin14 Mon 08-Apr-13 21:32:44

I left my H after 27 years together.
It was my decision due his EA and constant criticism of both me and DS's.
I am 50 next year so all a bit scary/feeling old etc
I have not cried, but feel a little as if a rug has been pulled from under me..
Its ok i think but odd.

If anyone else has been here please let me know how it was for you? I could do with a bit of support.
Thank you : )

Hassled Mon 08-Apr-13 21:38:39

I'm sorry - it must be incredibly hard for you.

I left my Ex-H after far fewer years together, and mostly what I felt was terribly sad. Even though I'd known for some time that the "happy ever after" wasn't going to be especially happy, and I knew long before I went that we wouldn't last the distance, there's still the sadness when it ends - it's the final nail in the coffin of what you once thought you'd have, isn't it? Just take your time over things - however you're feeling, that's the right way to feel. You made the right decision, but I know that doesn't necessarily make it easier.

twentythirteen Mon 08-Apr-13 21:40:33

Terrifying. I never felt so alone. I remember thinking "no one knows where I am, if I'm ok, what I'm up to". But it was the best decision ever. That time was short lived. My friends rallied around. It's been 6/7 years. I still value how much better life is free of constant criticism and feeling like I wasn't good enough. I was 35 leaving a 17 year relationship. Is never been an adult on my own.

Do you have people to lean on op? I know you're feeling old, but at 50 you've made the transition with years ahead to enjoy the change once you've settled into it.

LemonDrizzled Mon 08-Apr-13 21:49:15

After 28 years I left and was in sequence terrified, relieved, numb, angry, sad, anxious and eventually calm and happy. I discovered some friends were fair weather only and others were truly on my side. I found support from family colleagues and clients, and 30 months on I am genuinely happy with a new DP. Life still has ups and downs but when the person you share your life with is not on your side everything is difficult.
And I am 52

You can do it! Just be kind to yourself and do small things for yourself like buy flowers and candles and choose new bedding. Sounds trite but the small stuff helps! The big stuff comes later

HidingFromDD Mon 08-Apr-13 22:35:36

I left after 27 years together. I was 46. It was scary, and I went through huge highs and equally huge lows. It's a mixture of excitement at finally being able to do things the way you want, and terror that you no longer know what that is. It took me about 3 years before things calmed down emotionally.

Now things are great, I love my life. It's stressful and there are times when I wish there was someone special there for me, but the reality is that I didn't have that when I was married either. I love my life now and don't regret it for a minute (and, whilst I don't want another relationship I have had a few 'friends with benefits' and some great affectionate sex grin)

catkin14 Mon 08-Apr-13 22:37:28

Thanks for replies. It helps to know I am not totally insane.

H has now started to be iffy about money - I have been a sahm and i am now looking for work so fingers crossed!
I am incredibly lucky with my friends and family, they have been there for me throughout.
It just seems odd to feel bad about something that i had wanted to do for a long time, and I feel bad about turning other lives upside down..

Hassled Mon 08-Apr-13 22:59:57

Get some legal advice asap - you can get a free half hour from many family solicitors. If he's being iffy with money it will help to have some facts at your disposal.

And just fight the guilt - don't feel bad about doing what was the right thing. After 27 years it's not like you didn't give it your best shot, is it?

LovesPeace Tue 09-Apr-13 00:30:20

I left my partner of 13 yrs almost a year ago. I was 43 then.
It feels great (see my other thread).

:D

monsterchild Tue 09-Apr-13 00:34:21

It felt like flying down the road hanging on to the back out a wild horse! Terrifying and exhilarating all at once!

redskynight Tue 09-Apr-13 08:08:34

Pure relief and calm when he left, and huge grief/sadness for all the things he wasn't in our marriage. Fear and anger mostly at myself for not having got out sooner, frustration at others for not being able to be the support I felt I needed, realisation that only I can be that support for myself, exhaustion at the hard work to slowly become that self-support. Overall my main feelings were happiness and peacefulness!

catkin14 Tue 09-Apr-13 10:11:30

Thanks all, Im glad I am not the only one to leave after such a long time and to have these rollercoaster feelings.
I cant believe I finally had the guts to do it!
I have had legal advice, solicitor says given the type of man H is, divorce is only option as he is likely to try to hide money etc. This in itself is scary as its so final.

Sometime i think i will have to go back to him, that i cant imagine a future without him as emotionally nasty and controlling as he is, because its safe and the known. And then i think no i cant do that all again!!
He is begging me to reconsider, to go back and he has changed etc but i think this will soon wear off and he will show his true colours.
One of his friends said H is the most self centred man he knows and would sell his own grandma if he thought it would make him some money : /
So Im trying hard to take a day at a time, find a job (I have been a sahm for 15 years) breath and hope it will all be ok.

I like the wild horse ride monsterchild, that is exactly it!

Lovingfreedom Tue 09-Apr-13 10:13:09

For me the clue is in the name....it's daunting at times but like a fresh chance at life. Why do you think you're turning other lives upside down?

catkin14 Tue 09-Apr-13 10:20:47

Lovingfreedom I have 3 Ds's, youngest is 14 and he is finding it tough. Other DS are older and dont live at home and theyre ok about everything, they too have been subject to years of cricitism so understand. Youngest seemed not to get it so much so doesnt really understand what the problem is with H.

Lovingfreedom Tue 09-Apr-13 10:36:51

My older child is 15 (she was just 14 when I split from her dad). She does seem to 'get it' but I don't go into much detail and she doesn't ask for any either. I don't slag my ex off in front of her but she makes occasional comments that indicate she understands alright and I'd say she approves.

My son is 11 (9 when we split) and would not have a clue about the issues in the relationship. But apart from initially being very concerned that we should stay together and not liking the spotlight on him at school, he's now accepted the new set up pretty well.

Maybe try to focus on getting a new 'normal' for your DS rather than trying to get him to understand the problem with his dad? He'll probably see that (like your older two do) for himself when he is older.

Does your DS (14) still see his dad?

Lovingfreedom Tue 09-Apr-13 10:39:28

...And congratulations btw...you are bound to have moments, especially early on, when you question your decision....but sounds like you've done the right thing....and from what you are writing, it sounds like you will get to the stage where your only regret will be waiting so long to make the move wink wine

Machli Tue 09-Apr-13 12:56:04

It felt awful, never felt so bad tbh but the thought him coming back and things being as they were was far far worse.

cjel Tue 09-Apr-13 13:25:05

Oh yes I know those feelings. I was 30yrs married and 52. I cried, lost weight he got nasty about money etc. I moved out, moved back to do up family home to sell. sold it bought and renovated my new place all in 18months. I too lost 'friends' but have been happier and more content with new people I've met. Was also SAHM and still haven't worked and going to college and do voluntary stuff. Just about settling in my new place and lonely as heck some days but wouldn't go back. More freedom is great - wish I'd done it sooner.

garlicballs Tue 09-Apr-13 14:43:29

Catkin, I am not reading your thread due to personal ishoos atm but couldn't leave you unanswered!

Well done grin
See a lawyer who understands abuse. WA have links on their site.
Don't rule out therapy. If paying for (or finding) an appropriate practitioner isn't in your field of options, see if there's a Freedom Programme you can get to. The psychological damage wrought by long-term manipulations can be deep and lasting. Try to head it off!
Have lots of fun! Make new friends, find out who you are smile
Best wishes. xxx

Moanranger Tue 09-Apr-13 15:16:16

Just ending a 24 year marriage myself. Not my choice but my H made it untenable to continue. I do feel quite sad at times, but I know in my mind I will be much better off. If you are like me - without the raging, angry man around, my life is far more serene, and that I enjoy very much. I have created an image that I use: I imagine my tiny little H in a tiny little boat on a huge sea, and I watch as he drifts over the Horizon & disappears. (He is that kind of man.) Works for me.

akaWisey Tue 09-Apr-13 20:39:11

Unbelievable agony and shock gave way to anger fuelled energy, grim determination not to give him the satisfaction of falling apart (thank you AGAIN MN) and then the realisation that the tension was gone.

Like other posters have said, nothing about the transition from long standing partner to single woman/lone parent was as bad as living within a miserable and unfulfilling marriage with my ex.

Well done catkin.

catkin14 Wed 10-Apr-13 08:11:15

Thanks for all your support!
I too have noticed all the tension going, and its more than awesome to realise i dont have to get permission to do anything i want to anymore!! Or if i am late home i dont have interrogation!
And i dont have to sleep next to an atmosphere grin!

I now need to get some work to keep busy and stop the what ifs, and if only i had maybe done this that or the other.
And work on my self-esteem as after all those years I self-doubt on a major scale!
But thanks all x

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