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End of relationship, don't know how to feel

(83 Posts)
Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 06:59:48

I'm sitting here totally numb yet devastated. My 3 yr relationship has just ended with him walking out the door. It's never been plain sailing, I've been the more submissive partner in this more than in previous relationships and I've often wondered if he truly loved me.

It all began today by me telling him some of how I felt and asking him if he truly loved me. His responses weren't what I thought they should be for example if he'd asked me that I would have said " yes of course why do you ask that" he did say he did but then said I'm not here just for sex or to get my dinner which seemed an odd response. Basically lots of things came out from me which resulted in him turning his back on me in bed and refusing to speak.

Now I don't feel I attacked him as such I just feel I can't speak about how I'm feeling without it ending like that or him saying its all about me. In the end I said how is it going to work if if you've made it so I can't mention my feelings without you accusing me of making it all about me? And he basically agreed and said he'd leave in the morning. This is not the first time simililar has happened I just feel its different this time and he won't be back.

I don't feel cherished by him and that's really all I was asking for. He's now gone back to his place given my key back. All this even after I apologised for having a go at him. When I did that he accused me of not being sorry but just trying to justify what I'd done. I can never win whatever I do.

He has a way of making me feel its all my fault even if I put a foot wrong and apologise. I did say some hurtful things like he's not interested in me or how I feel just in how me being upset makes him feel. He's never upset that I'm upset he just gets angry that I'm having a go at him. It's so frustrating

Basically I'm upset and will miss him badly as I do love him but I don't think it will work and I do believe he cares for himself more. How do I get through this? I feel guilty because his children were supposed to be staying at mine next weekend and they will be disappointed. I did say to him that he could still bring them so as not to let them down and he said no they,l be fine with their dad. He's made me feel I'm a really shit person who will never have a decent relationship and perhaps I won't maybe it is me with the problem

Oh FFS he's horrible. Honestly, he is. He's physically and emotionally abusive because he likes the idea of you upset and begging for another chance and trying to turn yourself into the perfect partner.

Do you have DC with him or share a house? Are you going to have to negotiate the separation of assets with him? If not, just tell him never to contact you again (unless you have to arrange to collect belongings or anything) and move on into a brighter future.

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 17:09:17

Thats what I don't understand he rarely starts things to upset me he just doesn't respond in a way that shows me understanding if I'm upset with him over something it always turns into him being defensive claiming I'm having a go at him. I never chase after him or beg I just won't no matter how I feel so I'm pretty sure he knows I won't get in touch first. So he can't be taking pleasure in that really

boyfromipinema Mon 08-Apr-13 17:09:49

I think at the moment you just need to try to calm yourself down a bit. You are very upset, which is understandable considering you've just broken up. and are probably not thinking things through rationally.
First things first, don't contact him at the moment. I feel the onus is on him to contact you as he must know how upset you are. If he does, then cross that bridge when you come to it. If he doesn't, then you have your answer with regards to how much he cares for you. You're mind will be all over the place at the moment, but you need to try to gain some control. Posting on here as you are doing will help you.

'When you're going through hell.....keep going' : Winston Churchill.

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 17:10:03

Btw there are no DC,s assists ect the house is mine

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 17:11:21

Thank you BOY it does help posting here getting it out of my system and considering all the replies

boyfromipinema Mon 08-Apr-13 17:14:21

I was in your shoes a couple of months ago....and our tales sound similar. I held firm and feel better now.
Have faith in yourself.

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 17:17:26

Were you. I am glad to hear you feel brighter now that's good. I hope I can be strong and move on if indeed he does contact me. If I have a relationship again it's got to be with someone who doesn't take everything personally and has a care for why I'm feeling the way I do

boyfromipinema Mon 08-Apr-13 17:23:48

I'm about the same age as you as well and had also been in a marriage for similar amount of time, which didn't cut me up as much when it ended as the recent relationship split.
Weird eh?

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 18:27:29

I understand what you mean . Same here, when my marriage ended it had been pretty devoid of emotion for quite a long time however this relationship has always been very charged with some emotion or another and I have felt in love

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 20:09:13

I am driving myself mad keep going over what was said and blaming myself. I am ashamed to say I now remember calling him "an unfeeling c..t". I can't believe I said that. Thing is I must be unhappy to be feeling unloved like this. Any hand holding welcome

AnyFucker Germany Mon 08-Apr-13 20:21:34

Would you call someone who made you feel loved and safe "an unfeeling cunt" ?

No, you wouldn't.

Unless you make a habit of being a verbally abusive harpy (which I doubt) that comment is a measure of how much he has you wound up like a spring, having to use phrases like that to get him to pay you any attention

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 20:30:25

AF your comment about a verbally abusive harpy made me chuckle, for the first time today. Yes I felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall and was very frustrated, how hard is it to reach out and hold someone your meant to love but maybe I'm expecting too much given that I was going on at him

Brightlydoesit Fri 12-Apr-13 20:52:45

Am really struggling tonight. Have been crying again a lot. Am just sitting in on my own and thinking. Please someone tell me this pain goes soon. Obviously I have heard nothing from him which to my mind shows how little he's really cares as he must know I'm terribly upset. But of course his anger at me takes precedence over anything I might feel.

I will not contact him as I know we are better off apart it's just so painful. Anybody any words of comfort please

The pain will go, and fairly soon. I promise you that as long as you stay out of contact with this ridiculous and thoroughly unpleasant man, you will rapidly reach a point where you kind of laugh at yourself in horror that you put up with him for as long as you did.
Honestly: you say you were in a bit of an unhappy, needy mindset when you met him. He liked that. It's what drew him to you. Men like him do not 'love' women, they enjoy hurting them because they actually hate them. And they have radar for a woman who is vulnerable, it's what attracts them, and they proceed to render the woman even more vulnerable, just like pulling the wings off flies.
He doesn't love you and he never did. He's not a nice man. And you will feel better soon, you really will.
Do you have any hobbies or particular interests you'd like to take up or get more involved with? That can help as it gives you something more interesting to think about than this tosspot.

Brightlydoesit Fri 12-Apr-13 21:25:22

I did laugh when you called him a ridiculous man because if I'm honest I have thought it during his antics when I was with him. I'm going to have to work hard to build a life for myself now. I was married for 20 yrs and busy bringing up a family, then soon after separating met him so I haven't done things on my own. My friends are all married and aside from work I don't really do anything as we used to spend our time together

I am joining a health club this weekend and plan on going there a few times a week. I have also arranged some counselling to help me not to make this mistake again. I just want to get over the hurt and the self doubt that I may have been to blame and driven him away

alicepicalo Sat 13-Apr-13 05:30:11

I was in a similar situation to you towards the end of last year with someone I'd been with 6 years.

I'm older than you so really didn't want to be partnerless at my advanced age, but thats how it is. And 5 months on I'm so glad hes not part of my life any more.

To start with, like you, I kept referencing everything to him. -wondering if I should have/not have done this or that or said this or that. Thinking I'm too old and difficult to ever find anyone to have another relationship with.

But now, although I still think of him, he's not constantly popping into my thoughts and i don't hope every text i get may be from him. He was a very special part of my life (for a while at least) and theres things about the relationship I miss, but actually not that much.

I got to this stage by blocking him out of my life completely - deleted him from my phone/email - threw away anything that reminded me of him/us - and no Facebook stalking or driving past his home /work/Mums house. It was difficult for a couple of months as I wanted him to know how i felt and get an apology or at least an acknowledgemnt from him that would somehow make it alright in my head - but that was never going to come and i realised that quite early on.

I also told friends/family that the relationship was over - just said it had fizzled out and we'd both moved on. Only shared the heartbreak with a couple of close girlfrinds who could be relied upon to confirm he was a tosser not good for me.

The most important thing I did was keep thinking how my life is going to be in a years time if i contact him and get him back for a while until the next time or let him go and build myself a new life. It was very clear that letting him go was going to be the best option, though initially the most difficult one.

I've joined a few group things - quite difficult as I'm not naturally that sociable, but have been glad I made the effort as its part of carving out a new life for myself. I'll try OD some time in the future, but at the moment I just want to be on my own and I'm realising being single is not something to dread. It okay, just different. My XDP was just a habit, and not a good one.

Be kind to yourself.

Brightlydoesit Sat 13-Apr-13 06:22:30

Alice thank you so much for your post smile you have understood so well how I'm feeling. I too keep thinking of my age and how I don't want to end up alone but on the other hand there's no way I'm rushing into dating or even thinking I have to have a man, I need time alone to process everything. That's the mistake I made when my my marriage ended.

Your right, I never realised how I keep referencing everything to him but I do don't I. It's because he made me feel I was responsible for his actions which in turn made me feel I was difficult to be with. I have to keep reminding myself there's nothing wrong with me.

You have truly given me hope that it will get better, I'm trying hard to detach. He's off my phone and I have got rid of a few things but not all yet. I can't bear to delete photos because at the moment it seems like I'm deleting part of my life, holiday pictures and things

The one thing I can't change is the health issues that I have. They are long term and although they fluctuate in severity will never go away. It does restrict me as I get fatigued. And unfortunately he was good at reminding me how he ' looked after' me and has had a lot to 'put up with' personally I don't think it's that bad not as though I was laid up for days or anything I just had to pace myself. Thing is he said enough to make me believe it will be difficult to find anyone else who will ' put up with it'

Brightlydoesit Sat 13-Apr-13 11:12:12

I realize there's probably nothing more anyone can say to help but it helps me to keep posting here. I am desperately trying to resist contacting him, I know it's not in my best interests to do so. I just want to feel better. I can't drag my mind away from him and the wishing it had worked.

Then I think of some of the things he's done and wonder why the hell I keep feeling like this

dondon33 Sat 13-Apr-13 11:34:46

Hey Brightly do keep posting if you feel it's helping you, get it all out.

I know we've spoken lots already but just wanted to add -
When the time's right and you choose to find a new partner then you'll know the red flags to look out for next time.
Guys who make an ill partner feel like a hindrance or make them feel 'lucky' to have someone to put up with them hmm are, I would think, in the minority. A normal caring and loving man, who is committed to a relationship with you, will embrace the whole you, whatever that entails.
Chin up honey and enjoy your swim this afternoon x

Brightlydoesit Sat 13-Apr-13 11:44:52

Hi Don

Thanks your right when I look back I sure will have learned a lot from this relationship and as you say the red flags to avoid.

I must get myself busy and try to take my mind off this. Hope you are ok x

Brightlydoesit Sun 14-Apr-13 02:11:34

I am awake again, seem unable to sleep more than 3 hrs and it all comes flooding back. Am missing him a lot and I know he's treated me badly so I shouldn't be. Any more words of wisdom / stark reminders of reality greatly appreciated

alicepicalo Sun 14-Apr-13 10:45:46

Hello Brightly

Have been wondering how you're getting on.

Okay, here's my words of wisdom:

Ask youself:

Do I want to still feel like this in a year (even in 3 months)? If the answer is "yes", then go ahead and contact him. He'll no doubt offer a few crumbs of niceness and you'll be back to square one. Remember, square one is a crap place to be. You were there at the begining of the week. You've moved on a little since then - even though you still feel awful - but moved on you have - stay 'moved on' - don't go backwards. Backwards will ensure you stay in an awful place.

Do something today - get yourself up and out of the house - go for a walk/swim/wander round the shops - meet/phone a friend - just don't sit around focussing on him and letting yourself wallow in victim mode. Don't waste anymore of your precious life on him.

As I metioned in my previous post to you << voice of experiennce emoticon>> I went through something similar to what you're going through a few months ago. I've just bought Your Best Year Yet! - really cheap off Amazon - to help me plan my year ahead, but I already know its gong to be much better than the last few years have been and want a bit of support to ensure its brilliant smile

Also I went on the OD site OKCupid and did one of their quizzes - I've not signed up because I don't want that yet, but they send me a daily email with profiles of a handful of guys. They're mainly tossers not my type, but the odd one looks remotely normal and its just nice to flick through and made me think that when I'm ready perhaps there might be someone nice out there for me, if I don't meet anyone via all these exciting things I'm going to be getting involved in during my brilliant year ahead grin.

So although I'm pretty sure I want another man in my life at some stage, and am happy to keep a look out for one, I know that this time around I'll see those red flags. Now (just a few months on from where you are now) things are are very much about me, me, me, not him, him, him.

Find your own way - but don't contact him.

Brightlydoesit Sun 14-Apr-13 13:47:43

Thanks for your reply Alice.

I have just been food shopping and am feeling really pleased as I have bought a trolley full of healthy food smile I plan on swimming 3 x a week also just to get out. Bad idea I know but he was always with me and we did everything together when we weren't at work so I have to start from scratch now

I might take a look at that book on amazon it sounds just what I need. I'm going to work on myself, create an interesting life before I let any man in again.

I know I won't contact him I'm far too proud to do that just wish he'd get out of my head. Just realised I haven't cried today though! So that's good

Can I be nosey and ask if you ended it or did he?

boyfromipinema Sun 14-Apr-13 17:01:45

I think you do need to treat the way you are feeling at the moment like a drug addict in rehab
Keep reminding yourself:
He is your crack and you need to kick the habit.
We are performing an intervention on your behalf.
Do not contact him again he's bad for you.
Do not contact him again he's bad for you.
Oh , did I say
Do not contact him again he is bad for you.

dondon33 Sun 14-Apr-13 18:14:54

A day with no tears is a good day Brightly and I like what you said above about working on yourself - it's a positive step.
Keep moving forward and looking to the future, baby steps. x

would do well to take my own advice smile

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