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I don't know what to do about my boyfriend lie. WWYD?

(69 Posts)
Maravilha Sun 07-Apr-13 22:51:00

This is long but I will try to make it as brief as possible.

My husband passed 2 years ago, and for a year I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend who I will call here F. I have know F for over 20 years, we were in a relationship when we were 16/17 and he was the best boyfriend I ever had (and I had loads, in fact I am divorced from my 1st husband). We had (and still have) a great deep connection, very supportive relationship and lots of interests in common. We understand each other very well and have a great deal of admiration and respect for each other. Sex is amazing.
The reasons why we ended our relationship 20 years ago were:

1st- my mum and therefore all my family didn't approve of him even tough she never ever tried to get to know him properly and decided to judge him on his looks (tattoos, skateboard, rock and roll style) - and his mum didn't like me and never wanted to meet me either (not sure why). This made very difficult and tiresome for us to be together since we were not allowed in each others house properly and had to meet on the streets or other peoples house all the time. But it wasn't a secret to anyone we were in a relationship (small city in other country, everyone knew)

2nd- He cheated on me. We were on summer holidays in other city, he was at friends house and I was in my uncle's house. I was allowed to go out during the day but never during the night. One day there was this really cool party at the house and I promised I was going to go and had to call during the party saying that I was all dress up and ready but couldn't convince my uncle and decided not to go. Following day we met in the morning and he confessed he slept with one girl, he was ashamed and sorry and angry with himself and had no feelings for her (he knew this girl for a long time, even before me and never had anything to do with her so apparently this was a thingy of the moment). He said he loved me and would like to carry on with our relationship if I could truly forgive him even though he couldn't forgive himself, but he also would understand if I wanted to end and wouldn't give a hard time. So his last line made me end the relationship. However, I was ok, a bit shocked because I never expected that from him, but there were no anger, we remained great friends and kept supporting each other (we and specially him, had lots of family problems).
Ah I need to add that at that point we haven't had any sex ever, as we wanted it to be special and never had the opportunity for a perfect moment.

A year afterwards I moved city and he moved country so we lost contact. Than I moved to another country and than came to London where I met him totally out of the blue in the streets (this was about 8 years ago). We were both in a rush but exchanged phone numbers and started communicating, however he was moving countries again and we did not have a chance to meet up properly (I was very depressed, dealing with my divorce and was always either working very hard all hours I could and sleeping on the free time)

So he moved out of England and we lost contact again.

After my 2nd husband passed away, I decided to open a FB acc to track down people from my past. I tracked him down and we started to talk again, he started coming to London to visit me and I started to go where he lives too. We started a relationship again and so far it has been perfect in every single way. And I finally feel loved and in love the proper way. (my late H was a great guy buts was not 'the one' iyswim).

However...

After 1 year together he revealed he has been lying all along. He (who was very poor 20 years ago) is now a millionaire. He won the lottery few years back and even though he has a normal (but very nice lifestyle), he has all this money invested and he doesn't really know what to do with this all (he says he helps a lot of people). He wants to help me, give everything I need and I want and wants to stay with me forever. He says he can't stop thinking about proposing but doesn't know how/when to do it since he knows I am divorced and also a widow and knows how much I suffered in the past.

Anyway, this took my breath away and I was really confused as to why he lied all this time (not many people know about it, people think he is very successful in his business).
I asked for a break to think about what to do.
What would you do?

IfYouCanMoveItItsNotBroken Mon 08-Apr-13 11:01:07

Hi, I understand it pisses you off to be lied to about something so big BUT when I was 19 I made good friends with a guy. His folks lived in a big house in a nice area, drove nice cars etc and he was always really cagey about them. I knew they had worked as a cleaner and janitor but retired in their mid 40s and I honestly thought they were doing something illegal for money. After several months of friendship we were due to go round to see his parents but I felt uncomfortable, as at this stage I had convinced myself they were part of organised crime. I think he knew I was suspicious and sat me down and explained that they had won the lottery several years ago. Aunts, cousins, siblings had came out of the woodwork in dire financial straits. Their church had requested a percentage of their winnings, and they were made to feel unwelcome when they said they had intended to donate a lump sum but not the amount church expected. Friends expected to be taken on expensive holidays. They were left with all the money but no friends or family. They bought their kids nice cars and put the rest away to live on quite frugally. I can see your boyfriends point, don't be too hard on him.

IfYouCanMoveItItsNotBroken Mon 08-Apr-13 11:02:25

Ps apologies for lack of paragraphs, I'm on phone. And also, I saw immediately how ridiculous my organised crime fears were!

Maravilha Mon 08-Apr-13 11:22:35

But how could he think so little of me, knowing me for such a long time? I was there for him when he had no money and just problems. I wasn't rich either but my parents would give me money to enjoy myself and compensatew for their lack of attention/affection and I would spend it on us or even buy him things he needed. Also he was the one who cheated on me, so I shoud be having trusts issues not him. Well, as someone said upthread, yes, money really change people.

bleedingheart Mon 08-Apr-13 12:27:32

To be fair to him, he might be worried that as you have been married twice before that you see him as a consolation prize and he didn't want you to think he'd changed or be with him because of the money.

If he'd told you immediately YOU might have thought he was trying to buy your affection.

Lemonylemon Mon 08-Apr-13 12:49:07

People change over the years and not always in the best way.... I would be more circumspect now than I would have been in my youth.

Can I ask how old both of you are now? How old were you both when you first dated?

I realise that at first glance that may not have anything to do with anything, but it might......

HairyGrotter Mon 08-Apr-13 13:04:00

I think you're being too harsh on him. He has every right not to 'expose' everything about himself, as do you. Trust takes time, it's been a long gap from when you first met. Give the poor guy a break.

I'd look to why you feel so aggrieved at this pretty non-plus omission, if I'm honest. It's obviously related to the past mishap where he cheated.

Also, stop thinking about yourself, I note you keep saying 'how could he think so little of ME', maybe he was protecting himself, have a bit of empathy.

I don't think that this is about the money at all. I think that it's because something very major, and life-changing happened to him, and he didn't tell you about it. The fact that he cheated on you once before, and now has concealed a major part of his life from you, means that you feel you can't trust him and are wondering what else you don't know about. It's made you insecure about him.

Only two things can cure it, if at all: a good honest chat, and time.

ladyjadie Mon 08-Apr-13 13:16:34

I don't think he thinks so little of you at all. He probably has had a few assholes use him or suddenly want to become 'besties' with him since he won. I wouldn't take it personally if I were you. Maybe explain to him that from now on you want everything laid out on the table, total honesty. Try to understand him and his reasons for not telling you. If you must, try counselling to help with your trust issues from before. I don't think he is a born liar like some of the boyfriends and husbands talked about on Mumsnet. He came and told you he'd cheated on you (not excusing him but some men will go to any lengths to hide horrible things) all those years ago.

In short, if he really makes you truly happy, don't let this get in the way. Have a true, honest heart-to-heart with him about how this made you feel, and ask him why he didn't tell you. keep talking until you know all you want to know and he understands why you feel this way. Then, if you feel you can and want to, go forward, together, from there.

Good luck to you!

Maravilha Mon 08-Apr-13 14:34:29

We first met when we were just 16 and ended when we were nearly 18. Same birth year and month, different days.

We managed to be incredibly mature in our relationship which always made feel he was the right guy for me. He never used any excuse to justify his cheating, he didn't blame his penis, the girl, the alcohol, friend's pressure...I suspect he was suffering a lot of teasing from his friends since he was free to enjoy a wild summer and I had a curfew.
It would be very difficult to me to forgive his cheating, specially because all his friends knew and saw him with the girl. Even though they were not my friends as such, they were the people I hanged out with sometimes and the girl was part of the circle. It was embarrassing enough not to be as free as they were as a teen, taking him back would make me look like a complete fool. However, what made me take the decision was the fact that he was not prepared to fight for me to forgive him and have him at all costs. he said he would understand and let me go. I think I read it as lack of love. Specially since he had sex with the girl but NOT with me...I wasn't a virgin nor was he, but we were saving ourselves for our special moment and he ruined it.

I remember being sad and upset being cheated on, but not angry. He dealt with it they way everyone should.
I knew I lost a boyfriend but not a friend and we would be always there for each other.
If anything I felt like a weight was taken off my shoulders, as I became free to find a conventional looking boyfriends whose my family and society would approve easily and I found them. Just turned out they looked ok on the outside but were ugly in the inside. (My ex nearly drove me to suicide and my late H was a good guy but had his niggles too that I honestly put up for the sake of our daughter).

I am in a very difficult position now as I was taking each day as it came and as much as I love him and I am enjoying our relationship, I am not in a rush to live together and had no idea he was thinking about proposing. He is great with children and have none of his own. I have my daughter and would love to have another one if happened, but it is not a big deal and I am not planning this right now.

Also, DD and I are enjoying a little bit of his money and this has made a difference in our lives as we are doing things that otherwise we wouldn't be able to. If we carry on together I believe this will increase and we will get used to a life style that is beyond my own means. If the relationship ends, we will be 'poor' again, unless I get married, which I don't think I am ready yet.

Lemonylemon Mon 08-Apr-13 14:42:19

So, OP, how old are you both now?

Maravilha Mon 08-Apr-13 14:44:31

38

Lemonylemon Mon 08-Apr-13 14:54:14

OK, so now we have a bit of a time frame. I'm just going to gently say that 20 years is a long, long time. People change from the time they're teens to their late 30's. I've met people who I was at school with and have been a bit surprised at how they've turned out 20 odd years later.

My DS has inherited a lot of money and I have encouraged him to be a little bit circumspect when getting involved with people. Like posters have said above, sometimes people just like you for your money. I wouldn't be shouting about how much money I have, either.

He sounds like he's one of the good ones. Talk to him, get it out in the open. If your relationship with him is as good as you say, he would understand why you feel a bit odd, but then, you might want to think about why you're so upset about the late revelation.

Maravilha Mon 08-Apr-13 15:05:17

I am upset because i think I was getting into something and now after 1 year I find out I am getting into something else. As I said, being with him now will change everything as I understand he made this disclosure because he wants us to enjoy more of his money, and he wants things to get serious. If I don't give him the commitment that he wants but carry on living the lifestyle he wants to provide, when and if it all ends, me and my daughter will have a hard time adjusting back to our old lifestyle. As marriage was not in my plans, I don't know what to do. He is talking about proposing, I can't tell him I am ok with it if I am not, but than there is a possibility I might lose him.

And who the hell talks about proposing anyway?
He should have proposed, take me by surprise, wait for my answer and take it from there...who knows I might have said yes, or asked for thinking time.

And is his cheating not a red flag? He did it once, who knows he will do it again.
I had my fare share of relationships and heart breaking, I need time.

Lemonylemon Mon 08-Apr-13 15:28:24

"If I don't give him the commitment that he wants but carry on living the lifestyle he wants to provide, when and if it all ends, me and my daughter will have a hard time adjusting back to our old lifestyle."

Well, sometimes that happens in life. It throws you a curve ball that you just have to run with. {Apols for the revolting cliche}. OK, think about this - you could carry on dating him on the footing that you are for a couple of years and then he drops dead. What then? You and your daughter will have to readjust anyway.

I'm not advocating that you marry him either. But the thing is, you could tell him that you've already been married and don't feel that you could get married again.

As for him talking about proposing marriage, well, that's a matter of personal opinion - some people like a bit of notice, some like the surprise.

I think that the issues are yours, not his. Yes, he cheated once but that was 20 years ago when he was a hormonal teenager...... Does it stand that he will do it again?

If your relationship with him is as good as you say, then I think that if you tell him you need time, then he will respect that.

Teeb Mon 08-Apr-13 15:30:22

Have you considered counselling? It sounds to me as if you have a lot of issues from past relationships that you are putting onto this man. That or you just aren't into him.

Maravilha Mon 08-Apr-13 15:51:57

I am very much into him. But with my relationship luggage and 1 child, I'm much more careful now. If I ever live with a man again, I want it to be just right. Right now we are living in different countries and see each other once/twice a month. We need more time together, more day to day life before I make any big decision. But I agree, counselling always helps since I had so many issues with my own father and many of the men in my life.

Maravilha Mon 08-Apr-13 16:36:19

Maybe I should let him go and find a woman who will give him a marriage and a child. Writing the whole story down just made me revisit feelings of betrayal, shame...he was sorry he cheated but he would understand if I ended whithout putting up a fight? Gave up too easily after everything we gone through. Maybe his feelings for me weren't as strong as my feelings for him. Perhaps if we were meant to be together we would never had split in the 1st place.

But then why did you meet again in the street, in another country? Stop over-thinking it!

Tell him everything you've told us, and see what he says.

BicBiro Mon 08-Apr-13 17:03:10

it seems like now you know he is thinking of proposing it has rather become a different ball game. you were taking it slowly, feeling your way into the relationship gradually at your own pace. now you know this its line a big jump forward and that's why all your fears are now coming to the fore

Maravilha Mon 08-Apr-13 17:27:49

But than when I met him by chance, I didn't make any effort to meet him properly, sometimes I would rather go to sleep during my time off than meet him. Even though I knew he was moving out of England I didn't care. Than after years, I go make a fb acc just to track him down...is it possible he was thinking I found out he had won or was successful in his business and wanted his money? But than he should know me better as when we were in a relationship I didn't care for his -lack- of money. So that is why I can't believe it even crossed his mind that his money would make me love him more. I didn't track him down to have a relationship with him, just to reconnect since he is one of my favourite people in the whole wild word.

BicBiro Mon 08-Apr-13 17:36:33

it seems like now you know he is thinking of proposing it has rather become a different ball game. you were taking it slowly, feeling your way into the relationship gradually at your own pace. now you know this its line a big jump forward and that's why all your fears are now coming to the fore

BicBiro Mon 08-Apr-13 17:37:24

oops sorry for the double post

tomverlaine Mon 08-Apr-13 17:38:52

I think he did the right thing TBH. At 16-17 how you act in respect of money is different to how you would act now- also your relationship is different - it may have been that you what was a deep connection at 16 wasn't the same 20 years later either because you both have changed/circumsatnces have changed - you have emotional baggage and obligations/childrene tc plus your relationship is now sexual
you admit that times have been tough - if you knew he was a millionaire it might make you more tempted to stick with something that wasn't working or even the reverse - think things are too imbalanced so not give it a try. Give him a chance- but tell him that lying again is not on

MushroomSoup Mon 08-Apr-13 17:42:51

I think you need to stop thinking that this is about YOU. It's not.

What happened 20 years ago means nothing now. Either be with him, or don't, but IMO you're just putting ridiculous arguments in the way of what could be a great relationship.

AThingInYourLife Mon 08-Apr-13 17:46:08

He didn't lie to you.

Cheating when you are a teenager isn't a red flag.

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