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Sordid discovery - or could it be innocent? What do you think?

(93 Posts)
Katy71 Sun 07-Apr-13 20:04:59

Earlier today I needed to send a photo via email. Was on DHs iPad so sent it via his email. Checked to see it had gone and instantly saw in the sent folder an email DH had sent to a yahoo cn email (china?) a few weeks ago when he was on a business trip to LA. the address was 'Asian massage'. The email was blank - just a self taken photo of DH. He was wearing a t shirt and looked a bit scruffy - in bed maybe? He had sent it at 9am on the Monday morning, LA time. What is that all about? Thoughts please.

I do think you should trust your gut...worst case scenario is you're wrong but even then you'll feel better for not being in the situation.

thanks

Mondrian Mon 08-Apr-13 15:45:04

Sorry not true was meant for Cinna post.

Mondrian Mon 08-Apr-13 15:43:57

Not true ... Different folks different strokes. Some people are really good at lying to the extent that they can even fool lie detectors.

On the other hand when you are emotionally involved its much harder to pass a rational judgement and not a biased one based on your inner feelings as there is a danger of assigning more weight to words & actions that confirm your inner feelings, its called confirmation bias. Hence the need for a very clear and rational head when dealing with potential adultery as consequences are life changing.

Fragglewump Mon 08-Apr-13 15:32:53

Poor you. I was married to a real shitbag man who didn't believe that truth was important. The first lie I discovered was about his stag do - the week before we married. He apologised and I made it clear that lies were a deal breaker. This was a big red flag! Fast forward a couple more red flags, a couple of children, a couple of relate counselling courses and more bullshit and stomach churning worry about whether I should trust my gut feel or his stories. I had awful anxiety and depression and left in the end. It was bliss. Now happily married to a proper man who also believes trust is vital!!! Hurrah. Ask yourself how many red flags there have been? Does the rest of the relationship make up for the bullshit lies.? Is this a good relationship model for your children to learn from? Then make your choice. You are young and can have a very different life if you choose. Sending you hugs and blessings xxxxx

CinnabarRed Mon 08-Apr-13 15:00:50

How to tell if someone is innocent or guilty

Ask them a direct question. They will invariably seek to defend themselves human nature being what it is.

If they are innocent, their automatic first line of defence will be to deny the thing they have been accused of.

If they are guilty, their automatic first line of defence will be to attack the accusation itself.

For example: Are you having an affair?

An innocent person will say something like: No, I'm not having an affair! I love you. I know I've been [insert suitably plausible explanation for whatever has been bothering you].....

A guilty person will say something like: How could you think that of me? What a vile thing to suggest. Haven't I always [insert suitable platitude to put you off].....

Oh hell yes ^

If you're not having a break or moving out temp/perm then do not engage him. He doesn't deserve it & it will only wind you up even more when you keep hitting a brick wall. You'll know what to do in afew days, when the reality really sets in & what's happened sinks in, as well as his reaction.

So sorry again. You must feel all over the place

tightfortime Mon 08-Apr-13 13:46:19

Time to go cold and silent. He will continue to fob you off until he comes up with explanation.

No engaging with him until he decides to show you any bit of fight. Ignore him coldly until he asks what's wrong and bite hard: I want you to fucking give me a brteak and tell me what happened. Until then, fuck off.'

Right now, you're still being nice. Time to get angry and see what he's made of. If he's innocent, he'll prove it.

Doubt it though.

He won't show you his texts etc and is angry...

Guilty as.

So sorry OP. The fact he's caused you this much worry & doesn't seem to give a toss & is getting aggressive certainly isn't making him sound like a catch but he is trapped in a corner so will do anything to get out except tell the truth .

You deserve better thanks

SlumberingDormouse Mon 08-Apr-13 13:27:03

I woke up thinking about you this morning, Katy, and am sending my support. I'm afraid his reaction doesn't sound good. You may need to do some more digging. What are your plans for today? Will you get a chance to go through some of his things? Is there someone you could see and confide in IRL?

Walkacrossthesand Mon 08-Apr-13 13:17:45

Sorry OP sad. Do look at Loserville/losernomore's threads when she discovered her DH cheating - there are no more questions you need to ask of him, if he won't leave the house then you'll have to live separately within it, no domestic/wifely services. He wants to have a secret life that, even when you find out about it, he won't talk about. How is that a marriage?

If a person is falsely accused they may be angry but they also do all in their power to prove their innocence. Refusing to disclose anything is a panic response by someone who is guilty of something. He will be trying to think of a plausible explanation. There really isn't one. It is clearly linked to prostitution and he has either been with one or planned to. Either way- how can you come back from that?
So sorry

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 08-Apr-13 10:10:48

Another one who thinks his angry defensiveness is a sign of guilt.

How awful sad

If you want to find more evidence, go through everything - bank statements, mobile bills etc.

However you are justified in telling him the relationship is over - if that is what you want to do.

I would also get tested for STDs sad

DharmaBums Mon 08-Apr-13 09:55:28

*inspirational thread. Sorry

DharmaBums Mon 08-Apr-13 09:54:35

Katy, I'm so sorry he's put you in this position. There's a really inspiration going at the moment by loserville., which I hope you will read. It's a real inspiration to those of us who have been deceived and cheated on. You will get through this. Lots of RL hugs.

Morning Katy, hope you're doing OK. His angry reactions say it al IMHO. He's asking you to 'give him a fucking break' but has offered NO explanation to stop you worrying, why??

Really hope he starts talking and you can both move forward.

Catbert4pm Mon 08-Apr-13 09:39:41

Katy, have you had a chance to think about whether what he appears to have done (whatever that was exactly) is potentially forgivable, or whether his seemingly lying about it is a deal-breaker in itself?

You poor thing. I hope he tells the truth then you can at least decide what to do based on the facts.

Wishing you well x

Ponyinthepool Mon 08-Apr-13 09:36:26

Do you know what you're going to do OP? Is he at work today? Do you still have access to his laptop/email?

If you can get more hard evidence it will at least cut through the bullshit denials and get you into a position where you both know where you stand.

I hope you're ok, what a horrible thing to discover. I have some personal experience with this unfortunately and it's no fun :-(

Katy71 Mon 08-Apr-13 09:09:04

Thank you all so much for your help and support. I know he will continue to deny and make out that I am somehow the one in the wrong. I am dreading all that is to come. We have been together for more than 15 years, we have young kids - and I love him. Well loved him until I found this out.

happyon Mon 08-Apr-13 07:49:51

I'm sorry. It's classic anger deflection. He is guilty but will deny and make you out to be wrong. Stand firm. He will try to wear you down.

What an utter bastard: he obviously cares little about women if he betrayed his wife and with a prostituted woman.

ArtVandelay Mon 08-Apr-13 07:49:07

What a tit. I don't think talking is getting anywhere. I think you should go really, really cold - ignore him. Gather documents on the quiet, maybe find a solicitor and go to the Drs for sti tests. Don't cook or do anything for him. Hopefully he'll crack and tell you what's going on but either way you've got the information you need to keep healthy and to go it alone if necessary. Also you will have kept your dignity, you need to scare him and begging or getting emotional just gives him the upper hand. Hugs.

essexmumma Mon 08-Apr-13 07:42:26

I'm sorry this is happening OP. How were things between you generally before this?

deliasmithy Mon 08-Apr-13 07:32:24

I explained this scenario to my OH, he immediately said "high end prostitution". So sorry.

Ponyinthepool Mon 08-Apr-13 07:29:54

He will likely be very defensive and angry with you to scare you off pushing the issue any further. You'll need to stand your ground and make sure he knows how seriously you're taking this. At the moment he won't feel you have enough evidence to give you any sort of confession, but in my opinion the email and his refusal to be cooperate is enough. There is absolutely no innocent explanation for this. As other posters have said, think about how you would have reacted. And think about whether your husband would accept being fobbed off with 'fucking give me a break' if he found something that concerned him? Not likely.

snowshapes Mon 08-Apr-13 07:18:15

Oh goodness, I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation. Agree it does not look good even if he did not follow through on the meeting it still looks like he contacted someone and he has reacted badly to your legitimate quuestioning of the email. I do think holding back from confrontation a little to see what he says, to see if you get a reply to your email and to have time to process this yourself is a good idea. But am not sure I really see a positive outcome as not sure if you would be able to trust him after that reaction. Really sorry.

LadyMountbatten Mon 08-Apr-13 07:17:27

Were things ok in the relationship before this?

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