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Am I over-reacting? Strip club...

(62 Posts)
kayfish Sun 07-Apr-13 18:01:28

New here and currently 3 months pregnant with my first child. My DH and I have been together for a few years and have always had a great relationship. He has been very protective of me and we are one of those couples who have quite a longterm routine, do everything together and are with each other all the time. My DH has had a bit of a wild past, being with lots of women and never wanting to settle down until he met me. I was fine with this until Thursday night when something happened to change my feelings of trust.

A really old friend of DH's came to town from his partying days. DH had told me this man's womanizing ways were behind him and he was faithful to his now-wife. DH said he was going for a couple of drinks with him and would be back at 11pm. I stayed up as I always do for him to come back as I had not yet met this friend and was going to say hello. Well.. time passed and I didn't hear from DH. When I watsapped him and saw it didn't deliver I realised his battery had died. I was up all night worrying and upset about how out of character this was. At 4.30am I heard DH come in, drunk with his friend. I listened as they put all their clothes in a washing machine, both showered, both ate and eventually DH stumbled into bed.

I was upset, of course, but was aware that he was too drunk to discuss it reasonably. He tried to hug me in bed but I said no we'll talk tomorrow. He got upset and started shouting that I was rejecting him etc etc. Eventually he passed out but I was doubly upset that he had come home late and then shouted. In the morning he said he had been to a casino with his friend til 4.30am (DH likes to play poker, so this wasn't a surprise,) his battery had died and he was just catching up on old times. I said okay fine, you never go out I'm glad you had a good time.

Fast forward to later in the day on Friday, DH and his friend are exhausted from the night before and have passed out in the living room. On the table DH has left his wallet with three receipts open. One for a nightclub at 1am and then another for a strip club at 2.49am.

When DH wakes up I speak to him in our bedroom and ask him to please tell me the truth about where he was. After a lot of protesting he told me they went to the nightclub then a stripclub for lapdances because his "friend wanted him to." He said while he was there he was planning to just sit at the bar and watch the girls, but he got pestered the whole time while his friend was having his lapdance and so decided to have one too to "get the girls off his back." He said that he didn't tell me about it because his friend had asked him not to - as his friend did not want my first impression of him to be that he went to stripclubs.

I have never questioned DH before, but now that he has lied I feel insecure. And I don't know if it's the pregnancy hormones ramping up or whether in any non-hormonal situation I would be fine with this.

Do you think his story sounds kosher?

GilmoursPillow Sun 07-Apr-13 18:06:06

No, not really. I don't think he paid for a dance to please his friend.

Whether or not it's a deal-breaker depends on how you feel.

kayfish Sun 07-Apr-13 18:07:44

he said he paid for a dance to stop being pestered by the girls who come up and talk to you constantly and pressure you to buy them drinks.

I feel lied to. More than I feel like it was cheating.

cherrycherry41 Sun 07-Apr-13 18:08:57

He should be adult enough to not be peer-pressured into getting a lapdance at a club if he knew this would upset you.
Strip clubs are an absolute no-no in our relationship and lying would be even worse.

Whether to believe him or not, that i dont know.

Sorry OP, not been much use have i? blush

thistlelicker Sun 07-Apr-13 18:10:31

I remember reading this earlier! WAsnt your child poorly and awake when he came home ?

topknob Sun 07-Apr-13 18:13:38

Why did they put their clothes in washing machine?

yousankmybattleship Sun 07-Apr-13 18:14:38

I wouldn't mind the strip club, never been something that bothered me, but the lying would definitely worry me. Why did they shower and wash their clothes? It does all sound a bit dodgy I'm afraid. I'd suggest you talk to him about exactly what went on and explain to him how insecure it makes you feel.

Doha Sun 07-Apr-13 18:17:58

Very very very dodgy.
I think there is a bit more still to come out. He is only telling you what you can prove just now.

kayfish Sun 07-Apr-13 18:19:58

He said the reason that he didn't tell me was because his friend didn't want that to be my first impression and he was very embarrassed about going. When he and his friend talked about it after it was all out in the open, his friend WAS very embarrassed about it and went red and couldn't speak properly.

kayfish Sun 07-Apr-13 18:20:40

The washing machine i have no clue... Glitter? Sweat? Foundation? Semen?!

jamtoast12 Sun 07-Apr-13 18:26:04

Strip club wouldn't worry me as such - dh went to them in his younger days and has done for a laugh on stag parties etc, having been to one I can confirm they are the least sexy places ever!....but washing the clothes is very weird and suggests there's more? Maybe when the girls do their dance they could have got lipstick on clothes, collars etc without them "doing anything" ? But if that drunk would you be thinking that clearly?!

Who showers if that drunk?

Doha Sun 07-Apr-13 18:29:19

Well one thing is for certain.
You have a brilliant first impression of his friend (and l feel so sorry or his DW) and now a whole new impression of your lying DH

Darkesteyes Sun 07-Apr-13 18:32:05

Sorry OP this sounds dodgy.
I could never be with a man who would feel its ok to buy a woman.

And the fact that they both washed their clothes and showered and soon as they got in.
Id say that their clothes probably had certain secretions on them and coupled with the shower id say orgasm was reached.

AThingInYourLife Sun 07-Apr-13 18:35:53

They were out shagging.

Prostitutes? Possibly.

But that's why they hosed themselves down when they got home.

Your husband and his friend are skeezy creeps and liars.

I'm so sorry.

Goodadvice1980 Sun 07-Apr-13 18:36:43

OP, I believe the clothes washing & showering suggests far more than a lap / private dance.

So sorry, but your DH is a fecking liar.

Sunnywithshowers Sun 07-Apr-13 18:36:59

I agree with Darkesteyes OP. Sorry sad

You're not over reacting.

TurnipCake Sun 07-Apr-13 18:41:04

Back in the days of smoking in bars and clubs, I would shower on getting in and put my clothes straight in the wash, because they honked of smoke.

But a guy and a buddy from his former wild days, following a night at a strip-club? I wouldn't be buying any of their 'reasonable' explanations. It sounds dodgy to me.

What's your gut telling you?

ImperialBlether Sun 07-Apr-13 18:44:13

I have never in my life come home drunk at 4.30 and even thought of washing my clothes and having a shower. It would be absolutely the last thing I would think of.

You've obviously considered what was on their clothes, but what was on them that they had to shower? Also, how many showers do you have? Did one have to wait for the other to finish?

jamtoast12 Sun 07-Apr-13 18:45:20

Try not to over react. If they went to a strip club at 2.50 am and got home at 4.30 - how long where they actually there? How long does it take to get home? We're talking 1.5 hours max.

They likely went there alone - not many girls actually go there! What happened likely depends on the type of club I.e was it a standard club were girs are only allowed to dance or a seedy one which offers extras? I'd investigate the lib before worrying unnecessarily

jamtoast12 Sun 07-Apr-13 18:45:31

The club I meant!

ImperialBlether Sun 07-Apr-13 18:46:24

TurnipCake, yes, thinking about it, I wouldn't sleep in the same room as my clothes if I came home smelling of smoke, but I wouldn't have had a shower. Would you? It wakes you up, for one thing, when all you want is to go to sleep.

Charbon Sun 07-Apr-13 18:49:03

I think they had sex with prostituted women or at the very least ejaculated during the lapdances. I don't think his phone battery died at all.

Unfortunately because these hell holes have been normalised and have a semi-respectable 'front' many people don't realise what goes on behind the scenes and after hours. Some of the dancers are also selling sex when they aren't performing and this is sometimes offered to punters at the end of a shift.

It's horrible to read about him shouting at you when you wouldn't be affectionate or have sex.

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who used the sex industry, nor would I want a relationship with a liar.

MadAboutHotChoc Sun 07-Apr-13 20:13:15

Coming home drunk in the early hours and yet still bothered to shower and wash their clothes hmm

Why couldn't the laundry wait til morning? What was the rush? I am afraid they had sex/ejaculated with sex workers.

How horrible to realise he thinks it is ok to buy women's bodies and pay for sexual services. No idea how you can come back from this devastating discovery...

ImperialBlether Sun 07-Apr-13 21:24:45

OP, I don't want to make matters worse, but I wondered whether they used to use recreational drugs back in the day. They certainly seemed to have plenty of energy at that time in the morning.

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight Sun 07-Apr-13 21:30:05

Yes it is possible but no wonder you are doubting him. He needs to understand that this has rocked your foundations

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