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Previously uninterested father of baby 'wants to talk'

(316 Posts)
ArcaneAsylum Sun 07-Apr-13 12:45:51

I had a very casual relationship for a few months at the end of last year. He was sleeping with other women and I didn't want a relationship with him, so I ended it. Shortly after I found out I was pregnant. My immediate decision was that I wanted to keep the baby.

I told him this and his initial instinct was to say that he didn't want another child (he already has a daughter) and to accuse me of planning the pregnancy (I didn't). This didn't bother me as I didn't really expect full support.

However, he then escalated to barraging me with text messages trying to emotionally blackmail me into having an abortion with all sorts of rubbish. I refused to give into the pressure.

He then threatened to move away and change his name so that I could not force him to pay child maintenance. I gave him a chance to reflect and sent him a single message after the 12 week scan asking if he would accept some financial responsibility or if I should involve the CSA. There was no answer.

I accepted that he would not be a part of the baby's life and instead began to sort out my finances and future childcare so that I was prepared for when the baby comes.

He has now messaged me over a month later to ask for a meeting to discuss the baby. I have agreed but do not trust him. In my mind, he would have no contact with the baby and I was fine with that. I have agreed to meet because 1. He IS the father, regardless of whether I like him or not 2. It will be easier to have him willingly support his child than to involve the CSA.

I have been polite to him and answered some questions, but I am confused with some of what he has said. He asked for a picture of the pregnancy, so I sent him a copy of the scan pic. He then texted back to say no, he meant a picture of me pregnant (?!).

I said that I wasn't sure when I would be available to meet as I planned to move next week. He asked where and why, and I told him that I needed more space now that I was having a baby (I currently live in a one bed flat). He wanted to know who with and I told him it would just be me and baby. Next message asks if I have a boyfriend. I ignore this, so he asks again. I ask why it's relevant and he says that it is to him.

Now he is messaging me as if things were like they were back when we dated, asking me what I'm reading, that he has done this... Etc. I am soooo confused as to what on earth he is playing at considering his earlier behaviour. I am also suspicious as to why he has had a change of heart about the baby.

I know this is selfish, but I really was happy at the thought of being a single mum as I meant I wouldn't have to deal with him and would have the baby all to myself. I don't want him in the baby's life (even though he has a right to be involved) as he is a terrible role model- a serial womaniser who casually uses drugs and who publicly holds some very controversial views, not to mention his earlier behaviour.

I guess my question is (and thank you if you have actually read this far!), what do you think his motivations might be (I cannot work them out) and what should I say when I meet him?

5madthings Fri 12-Apr-13 15:42:27

Oh you can offer up your 'advice' but be prepared to be called on it when you are perpetuating the bullshit idea that men shouldn't have to be responsibility for their own fertility and any children they have.

WouldBeHarrietVane Fri 12-Apr-13 15:45:34

Hedley, if in your world expecting both partners to take financial responsibility for their child is 'militant feminism' we have a lot of militant feminist male judges and male mps grin

Loulybelle Fri 12-Apr-13 16:13:13

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

HedleyLammarr Fri 12-Apr-13 16:32:19

Lol maybe, I work in avaiantion engineering so yeah

Gingerandhibiscus Fri 12-Apr-13 17:43:50

militiant feminism is not hoping that the child's father might bear a small percentage of the sacrifices of parenthood.

geez.

Gingerandhibiscus Fri 12-Apr-13 17:50:32

I don't think the OP is smiling about it as a pp says, I think she came here at one of the most difficult times in her life, and I know what it's like to realise you're facing parenthood alone, and instead of support, she's been judged and interrogated and basically labelled a scrounger by posters making comments about propping up the CSA!!!!! ffs, women can't win. They really can't win. I got upset reading this thread, realising how judged women still are. If they have an abortion, if they don't. If they work, and seek support from the chlid's father somebody will still come along and say that their taxes contribute to propping up the CSA. Well that's not the OP's fault.

I despair that a desire to have some of the burdens of effort, time and money equalised are perceived to be 'militant' feminism. That just screams put up and shut up to me.

ScrambledSmegs Fri 12-Apr-13 18:03:18

Actually, Hedley, I wasn't just talking to you. Thank you for your post in direct response to mine though. It illustrates precisely what I was talking about.

MoominsYonisAreScary Fri 12-Apr-13 23:19:08

If men took more responsibility for their actions, either by using protection or paying the very small financial contribution towards the children they helped create we wouldnt need the CSA and your tax could go on something else.

Unfortunitely too many men feel they shouldn't have too. What happens if one of your daughters became pregnant and the man walked away from her? Would you still feel the same hedley

perfectstorm Fri 12-Apr-13 23:41:59

There's only one winner here. No wonder this county is in the shit. Everyone is just so selfish. I want, I get, to hell with anyone else

If you think as your posts strongly imply that the derisory amount of money the CSA take from a non-resident parent even covers half the actual expenses, and if you think that money is the biggest aspect of the huge amount of work involved in raising kids, then my God, do I pity your poor wife.

Nobody will force this man to get up at night, to soothe, comfort, entertain, educate or discipline this child. All he will have to do at worst is contribute very much less than half of their upkeep. Considering that isn't "selfish" of the woman, because the money is FOR THE CHILD. HIS CHILD. The fact your posts clearly state that you think your right to that money beats your own child's need for it is frankly troubling, coming from a parent. The child is on the way. He chose to sleep with the OP when she wasn't even that keen, knowing she wasn't on the pill, and he is now outraged she won't abort at his whim? She hasn't even asked him for anything at this point. Yet you think abortion exists for the benefit of men? Okay then. Thanks for clarifying. Just to clarify further: you think feminism is terrible, I think misogyny is. We all have our views. Fortunately I'm not married to one with yours, or I assure you he too would be paying child support.

Nobody is making him actually, actively be a parent to his child. The worst that can happen is he'll be made to contribute a small amount financially - no more nor less. Yet you think that's an outrage and no child should ever have a better life if their own father has to give up a small amount of money each month to see to it?

I know which position I regard as selfish and irresponsible.

perfectstorm Fri 12-Apr-13 23:44:14

I despair that a desire to have some of the burdens of effort, time and money equalised are perceived to be 'militant' feminism. That just screams put up and shut up to me.

I know, bloody outrageous of women to expect fathers to actually care about the children they father, isn't it? Selfish bitches, thinking children should come first. Appalling attitude.

LittleEdie Fri 12-Apr-13 23:55:21

I really hope the OP isn't peeking back at this thread.

themidwife Sat 13-Apr-13 07:26:41

Ughhhhh sad

thistlelicker Wed 24-Apr-13 08:48:23

OP, hope your ok and you and your wee bump are blooming :D

SugarPasteGreyhound Wed 24-Apr-13 21:08:42

Fucking hell, what the actual fuck? angry

Normally I read a thread in relationships and get pissed off because a poster is being treated like shit by her, or his, OH. I can't think of a time when I've clicked on a thread and seen this kind of sanctimonious judgmental bullshit.

OP became pregnant - she didn't ask for a deconstruction of the circumstances surrounding the conception. What she asked for was practical advice. What she got was a sound kicking by a group of people who come across as so fucking precious and self-righteous; dropping
by the relationships board to dispense their pearls of wisdom to those judged and found wanting.

This isn't AIBU. The OP has been the subject of some vile posts in this thread and there has been a level of interest in her sex life that crosses the border from prurient to quite frankly, disturbing.

To the poster who suggested that she was a "sperm thief" - grow the fuck up. Man chooses to shag without barrier contraception, man is willingly depositing sperm in a place designed for fertilisation, therefore man cannot whinge when - shock horror! - fertilisation occurs.

To the poster that said they were horrified because this was a "different world" - get a fucking grip.

Personally I'm horrified by the fact that millions of children are born into poverty, won't have enough to eat, have no access to clean water. I'm horrified at genital mutilation being carried out on young girls, rape being used as a weapon of war. So you'll have to forgive me when I say I find the concept of you being "horrified" at someone's unplanned pregnancy, absolutely ridiculous. If IRC you have four kids, in which case I can only assume that you are one of those absolute gems that feel that pregnancy is 100% a woman's responsibility; evil women with their naughty vaginas enticing you so that they can steal your sperm and ruin your life. Utterly pathetic. Want casual sex without pregnancy being the result? Then wear a bloody condom.

I really hope Arcane is not still reading this thread. Shit like this plays straight into the hands of everyone who criticises MN. There are posters on here who should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

crashmat Thu 25-Apr-13 17:55:46

How anyone can think that the OP is the winner in this situation has obviously not experienced a termination, early pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding, lone parenting, night waking, adjusting to being a parent and the sheer hard work of raising a child without support.

I was in the exact same position as OP with DS1's dad who broke my arm in fury whilst demanding an abortion. Guess what? He pays less than 20 quid a week reluctantly through CSA, sees DS1 twice a month at best whilst travelling the world with his band. He hasn't had to deal with 0.01% of the shit I have bringing up lovely DS1. He certainly doesn't deserve support or pity from a collective bunch of self righteous, judgemental and actually very nasty strangers. Humanity and empathy utterly lacking on this thread towards a vulnerable pregnant woman. I hope all you critics sleep really well at night.

LookingForwardToMarch Thu 25-Apr-13 18:28:52

It's sad that your baby will have an older sister and grandparents that they will never see if you cut off contact with their father.

It's not just cutting him out but half of your childs future family and support system.

Even if you think he is a dick and you can go it alone don't you want your kid to know these family members?

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