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if your dh was in a cult how long woulld you "wait" for him ???

(28 Posts)
catfourfeet Sat 06-Apr-13 14:26:03

bit of background ..

My dh has had mh problems for nearly 3 years. 4 dcs. married for 20 years.

Manifested as mood swings, selfishness, severe short term mem*ory loss.

He has lived with his sister, my sil, for a year, he left us, couldn't cope with family life.

He rarely contacts the children, they only see him if I take them to him ( round trip 7 hours)

He often said in regards to our life together " if I died tomorrow I would have no regrets" ad that I was his "soul mate". He was really hands on with the kids, a prefect dad.

NOW , our marriage was crap, I always made him feel stupid, things I said ( in passing) are now HUUUUUGE problems, our whole marriage was based on lies etc etc

His sil is lying to him, some I know about , some is just "obvious"

She has said "I will do everything I can to make sure he NEVER comes home"

She does NOTHING to make sure (give his very poor mem*ory) that he keeps in touch with the kids.

It is like hes in a cult, "he" has totally changed, he believes EVERYTHING his sister tells him.

sooooo, if you were in this ( mad) situation what would you do ???
how long would you "wait" for him ??

( there is every chance he will get better in time)

ps please only say mem*ory as mn is being watched by someone irl who knows my story. i've name changed a while ago.

deliasmithy Sat 06-Apr-13 16:40:58

It sounds an awful situation because the sil is effectively trying to make you be the one to walk away. I'd feel like I was mourning the loss of someone.

Is he getting any treatment?

I think if I believed there was no way forward, I'd have to force myself to let go over time, as the emotional stress of staying in limbo indefinitely would get to me.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Sat 06-Apr-13 16:50:51

I understand that the medical problems he has makes this much more complicated than most situations, but if he has even moments of being lucid and is choosing not to be with you then that is his choice

If he recovered right now would you be able to get past the hurt and stress you've been through? Would he? Your dc? I don't think just waiting is an option even if there is a chance it might happen

When things go so drastically wrong it's natural to want to go back to when things were good, but you can never go back only forwards and experiences like this change people, would you be able to trust him again?

You must feel so betrayed and the unfairness of it must hurt so badly but I don't think it's something that can be fixed,and as hard as it may be your only realistic choice is probably to move on

SofiaAmes Sat 06-Apr-13 16:52:38

I don't think it's reasonable to blame all of this on the sister. Your dh needs to shoulder some of this. If he believes that you are keeping him from his children, then he should take legal action to get access to them if that's what he wants. I think more likely that he is simply not in a mental state to want to see them, or perhaps even realizes that he is too unstable to have contact with them. Either way, you need to move on, if not for you, for your children, so that they can get professional help and understand that this is not about them or you, but about their father's mental illness. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I have seen a similar situation with someone close to me and unfortunately, mh doesn't generally get better if the person is not getting help/medication and even then, modern medicine hasn't quite conquered the mental health field. Please focus on your dc's and getting them the professional help they need.

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