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if they hit you it's over? (trigger warning)

(90 Posts)

Just out of curiosity really.

If my partner hit me, even once, no matter what I'd said or done, I'd leave. It's the end of the 'healthy' relationship once you've physically hurt the other on purpose isn't it? (or tried to emotionally hurt/manipulate/threaten them).

Not trying to be goady, just wondered how many people would give another chance?

I wonder sometimes if I'm a little too OTT about this issue because my dad hit my mum sporadically over a long period of time & while I don't remember any of it I've been told enough to know that the first time is very rarely the last,

Sorry if this sounds navel gazing. Just wondered if anyone else has ever heard of the first time being the last time or it never escalating?

Chubfuddler Sat 06-Apr-13 12:09:27

It's inevitable that talking about this is going to be hard for those who have been there. That doesn't mean we shouldn't try, if we feel able to.

I don't think for a moment you started this thread with the intention of upsetting anyone and I would be rather cross if it got removed.

I have always felt that there's a lot that goes unsaid about it, which leads to people not knowing what 'is' & what isn't abuse. It escalates, so what starts off as a bit of a put down & a shove will escalate.

The term 'domestic' makes it sound less violent & damaging than it is to IMO but nevermind!

No, you should mind Orchard - and I know you do !
The word "domestic" has definitely been used to down-play the severity of incidents as in the classic police drama style line "It's only a domestic"
Hopefully the police and society in general are moving on significantly from those types of attitude now.

the worst thing my mum ever told me was when he did it in public once & no one did anything. Apparently (when the police intervened, as they were luckily doing a street patrol at the time) onlookers said 'it just looked like a domestic'. (That was the same time he gave her concussion & knocked her out fully for the first time).

Because of that I'd intervene no matter how trivial it looked. You just never know. I really don't understand how people think it's somehow different to it happened between strangers. Surely it's worse when it's someone you live with!? hmm

Rant over. I know plenty of people probably would do something & she was just unlucky. But yep, 'domestic' does not mean the abuse is less violent.

*happening

Oops

Really glad to hear so many people have got out of violent relationships on here though, however long it took. It isn't easy & it takes a lot to make that leap.

I hope this thread helps anyone in that sort of situation & can show that there's plenty of people who've come out the other side & are doing much better & are 100x happier.

deliasmithy Sat 06-Apr-13 12:43:01

Chub - yes agreed ive not seen an example of saying "my relationship is completely perfect, what should I do"

Clearly there is some degree of a problem when people post asking for input.
Sometimes intuition or guessing what else goes on in that scenario outside of the limits of the original post is correct. Sometimes, it might not be. Sometimes, both parties might be behaving inappropriately. Sometimes, the female might be being abusive. Sometimes, I dont think there is enough info initially for jumping to conclusions, and encouraging the op to reveal a bit more is helpful.

I guess my point just repeats what others have said about difference between issues that are serious but resolvable, and those which are terminal.

there have definitely been cases of 'both as bad as each other' & generally toxic relationships that follow a different narrative to the abuser/abused relationships.

But even in a "bad as each other" relationship if we were being asked to give advice to the woman in that relationship probably many people would suggest moving on from such a situation - if it was seriously unhealthy for both people involved ? Perhaps one or both would be able to create a more positive and happier relationship with someone else ?

Chubfuddler Sat 06-Apr-13 13:20:52

Indeed. A man doesn't have to be the one at fault for it to be the right thing for a relationship to end.

We are just so programmed, all of us, to think of being in a couple as the default position for adult life. It shouldn't be. The default position should be to be happy. If your relationship gives you that, fantastic. But if it doesn't, why stay? Really?

^ I wasn't saying you should stay if it's toxic/just bad in general! Quite the opposite, just that it's a different situation to DV.

And thanks to my mum I've never felt like I had to be in a relationship. I left DSs dad expecting to be single for quite some time & it's only by luck that I met my DP really. I'd still have left if someone told me i'd be single for years though as I wanted better for me and for my son and being single has it's perks too to be honest. It's not all doom & gloom & at least you know you'll always treat yourself with respect, even if the EX wouldn't or others won't smile

Sunnywithshowers Sat 06-Apr-13 14:50:44

It was a long time between experiencing EA and him actually hitting me.

In fact, I was violent to him first. I punched him after he'd spent days following me around shouting at me. He convinced my family I was mad, and I was screaming in anger. He and my mother pinned me down on the bed. I had a breakdown of sorts shortly afterwards. He pushed me over at a party (in front of our friends) and I tried to kill myself that night.

And that was before we married. I spent another 6 years with him. People thought I 'wore the trousers' but I was a broken woman. And my violence gave him the 'right' to treat me like shit for years afterwards.

I grew up in a violent household and swore I'd never be in that situation. But I was, more than once. I grew up thinking I was worthless and this continued as an adult. My first relationship after my XH was with a man who was EA which took me a long time to see.

Sorry to hear that Sunny thanks

Are you safe & well now?

I do think some men seek out a certain type of woman (i.e ones with self esteem issues etc) as it makes it easier to start with. My dad was ten years older than my mum & she was literally this 18 year old that had run away from home & had no real support network (very cold upbringing, no affection etc was routinely told she was the 'bad egg' etc) & must've looked like easy pickings to be honest. It's sick but I think some men work that way.

I have been approached (when newly single) by a bloke who thought that because I was a single mum I'd be desperate to date him, despite him being a total mind fuck hmm

Isetan Sat 06-Apr-13 15:57:07

I ended the relationship after the first attack, I didn't want to but it was a significant event which I could've easily rationalie. However, if he had shown an ounce of remorse (his mother apologised more the he did) I would have stayed. The varying degrees of contempt and disrespect I had been subjected to while we were together didn't change but my tolerance for such behaviour was dramatically reduced.

Unfortunately, I wasn't able to move out and even though I saw him for a couple days of the month he still tried to exert control through his petty behaviour during contact with DD. The second time he attacked me (13 months later) I nearly died. However, that moment of utter helplessness was empowering. My Ex could never take responsibility for his actions and was desperate to be seen as the good guy and when that was a tough sell he was always the victim. It was precisely this attitude which resulted him being charged with attempted manslaughter and being convicted and sentenced to three years.

The two acts of physical violence was nothing compared to the passive agressive bulshit during our relationship and the attempted bullying I suffered afterwards.

Sunnywithshowers Sat 06-Apr-13 16:41:13

Hi Orchardkeeper that was all years ago, I left abusive XH in 2001 smile

Am now married to a lovely man who is not the tiniest bit abusive. The difference is amazing. I've done a lot of work on my boundaries which has helped immensely.

Blimey Isetan, I'm sorry you experienced that sad

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