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Dh and sensual massage!

(147 Posts)
Cuddlemedolly Fri 05-Apr-13 10:33:44

My dh was abroad with work a few weeks ago. I was playing on his phone and found that he had been for a sensual massage. He didn't mention it to me at all. He had clearly researched to find a place that offered this certain type of massage (you normally have to be naked and it is described as being sensual etc). Quite often if you type in the massage into google you will get some 'erotic' massage places come up. He had looked at these sites too. Although lots of places offer these massages without being dodgy.

He didn't mention having the massage at all and there has been plenty of opportunity too. I have raised it with him, he got quite defensive and said he didn't tell me because it would have looked dodgy and although he had this type if massage he went to a legitimate place where it was all above board.

I'm not sure what I'm asking really. What would you think? He has had a sensual massage and deliberately kept it from me. He wanted to book me a treatment recently and suggested this type of massage, but when I looked into it, nowhere really does them and they are quite sensual, so I declined. Not once did he say he had had one whilst away.

The above sounds mad. Am I being paranoid!

KareninsGirl Thu 11-Apr-13 10:53:54

I also remember the FB perv thread; didn't realise it was the same poster.

I have a feeling the OP will continue to 'allow' these behaviours which is very sad but at the end if the day it's her life and only she can make that decision.

FWIW, OP, I really don't think things will get better for your marriage. The more you look the other way, the more your H will believe he is entitled to.

Best of luck.

fromparistoberlin Thu 11-Apr-13 11:34:19

she has posted twice, so to do that she clearly sees that there is an issue

QUESTION, all the people who have been so harsh to her. Did you leave your partner the VERY minute it started? No, I thought not

Or did you unfortunately put up with it for some time, until one day something cracked? Then somehow, somewAy you found the courage to leave?

She is only human, and she will hopefully manage this in her own time.

But I am very upset at how people have spoken to her, "MN is not the place for you" fucking cruel

give her time

GOOD LUCK OP

KareninsGirl Thu 11-Apr-13 11:53:13

I agree, Paris, a out it taking time to find the strength to leave. But the OP's H perved over female students who rent his property, on Facebook and has now effectively been paying for sex.

Not everyone leaves relationships like this. I hope the OP does find the strength to.

Cuddlemedolly Thu 11-Apr-13 13:25:20

Hi all, I have been reading your commens over the last few day and I have found some of them a little upsetting. I am often a mumsnet lurker and rarely post. I wanted a little perspective and I suppose that is what I got. Some of the comments I felt were unnecessary and harsh. I have been with dh a long time and we have 3dc, things are not always black and white. The advice often seems to be ltb, which is sometimes without doubt the best thing to do.

I have spoken with dh, he went for a lomi lomi massage at a large massage place in australia. He was naked but draped. I have seen the website and the receipt. It is 100% legitimate. They provide pregnancy massages amongst other things. He went for this massage because he read about it and did some research. When researching he came across some dodgy sites. He looked at them out of fascination and interest. And carried out further searches. He admits it looks dodgy, but he had no intention of having any 'services'. Maybe I didn't explain myself very well in the post. Sorry if I want clear. But you will see if you read the post, I tried to be clear.

I also sometimes look at sites, in fact I had no idea what 'adult work' was until mn and admit that I ha e looked at this site because of curiosity. I have had no intention of using the services though!

He didn't tell me about the massage he had because he felt bad about having a nice time away while I was struggling with 3dc at home.

The issue with dh isn't what he does, but that he lies about things. From very trivial stuff to more significant stuff. That is the issue. He is taking steps to confront this and is seeing a counsellor.

In many ways he is a brilliant dh. Kind, loving, generous and a great father. He has never had an affair or been unfaithful. Sometimes he looks at soft porn. The fb issues with tenants was not great, he snooped on tenants, but he rejected their friend requests as he thought it inappropriate. Surely if he had ulterior motives, he would have accepted?

Anyway, I love using mn, but I must admit that some things I read have given me a very negative view of men and have made me a little a paranoid over dh. Some men are awful, but not all men. The advice given sometimes is fantastic, but some of the advice is not realistic in normal life.

I will probably get jumped on again by some posters. I am naive, stupid, burying my head in the sand etc. I want my marriage to work, so does my dh. It is very difficult at times. sad

Bunnylion Thu 11-Apr-13 13:26:56

They wouldn't openly say "HAND JOBS INCLUDED!" on the website,

Here's a definition for paid for sensual massage.
http://www.swaay.org/other.html

Bunnylion Thu 11-Apr-13 13:27:29
ShowMeTheMeaningOfBeingYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 13:39:42

I call BS, I'm sorry OP.
I had a Lomi Lomi at a well established UK spa hotel once, and I can assure you there was nothing sensual about it, and certainly no happy endings.
So what I'm saying is, if he wanted Lomi Lomi, why was the search for 'sensual' massage? That's what you said in the OP. Now the story seems to have changed a bit.
If I wanted a Lomi Lomi massage, that's what I'd Google for. If I was a bloke and wanted a happy ending, I'd probably not Google for a Lomi Lomi, but would google erotic or sensual massage or similar.

Anyway, you've chosen to believe him, even though you know he's a liar. I'm glad he's getting help for it and I hope you two can work your way through this.

bunchofposy Thu 11-Apr-13 13:45:39

Hi cuddle I have been lurking on this thread but didn't really have anything to advise (I was also clueless about sensual massage). But I think that if you believe and trust your DH that's the main thing. Leaving your DH over this when you have 3dc would be quite sad.

I hope things improve for you on the lying front when your DH has counselling. We can never know fully what goes on in our partner's heads. Maybe there is some deep seated reason he has a problem with truth telling? If you feel he loves you and is a supportive husband, I hope things work out for you. x

quietlysuggests Thu 11-Apr-13 13:57:57

Just pointing out OP that if DH is going ALONE to the counselling, and ESPECIALLY if counsellor is female, then he IS lying to her too.

Doha Thu 11-Apr-13 18:01:34

Good luck with your DH and marriage in the future OP. You certainly will need it
<<husband got away with it again emotion>>

Leavenheath Fri 12-Apr-13 15:34:57

The advice given sometimes is fantastic, but some of the advice is not realistic in normal life.

I think you'll find that it's not normal life to be married to someone who is constantly dreaming up new ways to be unfaithful and lying about it when caught.

If you thought any of this was normal yourself, you wouldn't have posted threads about it. Don't shoot the messengers when posters tell you what they think.

Cuddlemedolly Fri 12-Apr-13 19:10:34

I'm not shooting the poster. Some of the advice to walk away from partners, is something that is not always realistic and is certainly not an easy option. Shouting down the op and running her down does nothing for esteem that can already be very low.

pizzatime Fri 12-Apr-13 19:20:38

Cuddlemedolly Been watching this thread from the sidelines and think you are doing well to continue to communicate with your dh about what has happened and how you're feeling. You are right - it IS hard work and it sounds like you are doing everything you can. Sorry that this thread has made you feel sad.

Coconutty Costa Rica Fri 12-Apr-13 19:36:16

I think that only you know what you want to do but you have to accept the fact that he paid to get wanked off.

And then try and move forward if you can.

Katjasm Sat 07-Sep-13 15:11:01

Hi Cuddlemedolly,

I am fairly shocked, not at what you are saying, nor at your dh's behavior. I am shocked at all the prudish and hypocritical women trying to tell you what to do.Especially as they clearly have no clue. From your message its clear you are a bit worried about his behavior and want some reassurance and some helpful advice.

I work in a small team of Therapists (2 female and 1 male). Sensual is not the same thing as sexual at all. Its a conversation we are always getting into and nearly always with people who have not had massage.The confusion is caused by living in a prudish country which refuses to talk openly. Men and women of all ages enjoy sensual massage all the time. All 3 of us offer lomi lomi. Its almost the same thing as Swedish massage and not any more sensual. An oil based massages should be naked unless the client prefer to keep pants on. We encourage our clients to be naked but we have never EVER given a hand job.

I think you are right to be annoyed that he tried to keep it as a secret. But keep it in proportion. He went to be pampered, relaxed and maybe and I do mean maybe he might have found it a bit of a turn on. This does not mean he does not love you and his family it also does not mean he was attracted to her at all let alone more than you. It just means he likes to be touched, most people do.

I would advise you to talk about it and to listen to each other.

If anyone has any questions I am happy to try and answer them.

Katja

mirry2 Sat 07-Sep-13 15:22:46

marshmallow are you saying that sometimes you give handjobs>

Shapechanger Sat 07-Sep-13 15:32:03

zombie thread

SpottyDottie Sat 07-Sep-13 19:06:35

What will you do OP?

As an aside, HullDad I remember you from the yoni massage thread hmm

SweetSeraphim Sat 07-Sep-13 20:56:50

I know this a zombie thread, but I've read it from start to finish, and am astounded that the OP chose to believe this utter sack of shit sad

Shapechanger Sat 07-Sep-13 21:37:16

I read it at the time and agree with you. What a chump sad

mirry2 Sat 07-Sep-13 23:48:13

what is a zombie thread?

Shapechanger Sun 08-Sep-13 15:05:17

It's one from ages ago that suddenly gets revived often for no apparent reason. Katjasm has just replied on a thread whose last post was in April.

Bit pointless that.

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