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Dh and sensual massage!

(147 Posts)
Cuddlemedolly Fri 05-Apr-13 10:33:44

My dh was abroad with work a few weeks ago. I was playing on his phone and found that he had been for a sensual massage. He didn't mention it to me at all. He had clearly researched to find a place that offered this certain type of massage (you normally have to be naked and it is described as being sensual etc). Quite often if you type in the massage into google you will get some 'erotic' massage places come up. He had looked at these sites too. Although lots of places offer these massages without being dodgy.

He didn't mention having the massage at all and there has been plenty of opportunity too. I have raised it with him, he got quite defensive and said he didn't tell me because it would have looked dodgy and although he had this type if massage he went to a legitimate place where it was all above board.

I'm not sure what I'm asking really. What would you think? He has had a sensual massage and deliberately kept it from me. He wanted to book me a treatment recently and suggested this type of massage, but when I looked into it, nowhere really does them and they are quite sensual, so I declined. Not once did he say he had had one whilst away.

The above sounds mad. Am I being paranoid!

AnyFucker Germany Fri 05-Apr-13 23:24:12

he got a hand job off another person

I would consider it cheating

what do you think, OP ?

carmenelectra Fri 05-Apr-13 23:30:05

Marshmallow has echoed what I said about getting a man to ring up and enquire about what's on offer.

However, I think its fairly obvious. That would just be the concrete proof maybe.

Would you be ok OP tho with him paying for a woman to sensually wank him off? Its still seeing a prostitute, just one who offers limited service. Would not be ok with me, but I'm not surprised anymore over what some women will put up with.

Think it makes a mockery of a relationship for someone to access sexual services and dress it up as therapy.

Cuddlemedolly Sat 06-Apr-13 00:17:27

The place he went to was very legitimate, however it also transpires that the girl who have the massage is a burlesque dancer on the side. sad

garlicballs Sat 06-Apr-13 00:26:03

Oh dear, Cuddle. So sorry.

What's your next step?

Cuddlemedolly Sat 06-Apr-13 00:30:45

I don't know. The massage was legitimate but everything around it isn't. Where do I go from here. It's like a silly schoolboy half living out a fantasy sad

TSSDNCOP Sat 06-Apr-13 00:35:19

Well, speaking as someone that's had a few this sounds like a total crock of shit. He's googled, bought, extended the purchase, and lied. That's a whole lot of pre-meditation designed to cover his arse.

I know I'd be scratching eyeballs out.

But what do you want to do?

Cuddlemedolly Sat 06-Apr-13 00:37:53

Leave him. Feel utterly broken. We have a young baby too.

Cuddlemedolly Sat 06-Apr-13 00:40:47

Help me be strong. Tell me what to do. It's like my eyes are full of fog.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Sat 06-Apr-13 00:55:39

I am very sorry that you face this horrible situation. Do you still love your husband? Do you want to leave him or could you consider seeking outside help to try to rebuild trust? Only you know what works best for you. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

garlicballs Sat 06-Apr-13 01:10:37

Oh, Cuddle, you must be feeling all over the place sad

It does rather sound as if you've been overlooking lies for some time. It hurts when you look a bit harder at a lie, and find it was more purposeful than you've wanted to think. Personally I couldn't share my life with a person who systematically lies to me, but that's me (and I did, for 12 years!)

You don't need to make any decisions right now. It might help you to tell him to get lost for a few days, then surround yourself with friends and talk.

Darkesteyes Sat 06-Apr-13 01:15:32

It IS a sexual massage. I read about the female equivalent last year in Easy Living magazine. (yoni massage) the female journalist had one of these massages (her husband didnt mind she wrote in the article) so she could write about it for the mag.
These massages DO end in orgasm or at least the attempt at one.

Darkesteyes Sat 06-Apr-13 01:18:26

Cuddle im sorry you are going through this.

Cuddlemedolly Sat 06-Apr-13 10:35:08

Thanks all. Dh us acting remorseful, he is adamant that the massage was legitimate. Although it is upsetting that he thinks it appropriate to have a naked massage from a girl who strips as her other job. He appears to be the perfect husband yet systematically lies.

I find it very difficult as he acts pathetic and sorry and I crumble as he is the one person I turn too. I want to be strong and end this marriage, as I can no longer cope with the mental anguish.

If he leaves I will be on my own with 3dc and a young baby. I feel very low.

MadAboutHotChoc Sat 06-Apr-13 11:16:27

Tell him you want space to process your thoughts and feelings about his selfish and weak actions. With him looking all sad and pathetic you won't be able to think clearly and if he really is remorseful then he needs to go away to allow you this space.

I am sorry but there is a very good reason why he lied to you. No matter how much he denies, he is still guilty of lying and cheating.

onefewernow Sat 06-Apr-13 11:27:44

I would say that in 98 threads out of 100 the person under suspicion will lie, for weeks or months if necessary, after they are caught out.

All the books on infidelity say the same. The fact he is acting hangdog and victim like is likely to be a ploy as he is sorry for himself.

I wouldnt believe a word of it.

GirlWiththeLionHeart Sat 06-Apr-13 11:33:40

I know a slimey guy from my old work place who goes to these massage places. He told me him and his friends would go there for oral sex too. There are lots of extras on offer, not just hand jobs.

He is an absolute shit, op. and you have a young baby together. At the very least you should ask him to move out while you think things over.

Your husband effectively paid for sex.

AnyFucker Germany Sat 06-Apr-13 12:11:45

He is sorry he got caught, not that he got another woman to handle his cock for him. He think's that is ok, obviously.

Itwasallfornothing Sat 06-Apr-13 12:16:34

How do you know she is also a burlesque dancer on the side? Did he tell you that? If so, what kind of conversation were they having? If you found out some other way then how? If my husband went for a 'sensual' massage it would only conjure up one meaning in my head. I'm not naive enough to think that nothing else would have happened, you shouldn't be either OP. whether or not you leave him is entirely up to you and whether you think you could live with the fact that he has been sensual with someone else. Me? Nah, couldn't stay with someone who seeks prostitutes or happy endings or sensual massages or whatever he wants to call it and I couldn't forget it, no matter how much time passed.

Itwasallfornothing Sat 06-Apr-13 12:21:07

Also, if you yourself were looking for a sensual massage, what exactly would you expect?

Anyfucker - wish there was a 'like' button on here smile

AnyFucker Germany Sat 06-Apr-13 12:21:15

This woman's other strings to her bow were probably on the website, the one that advertises the sexual services she provides

Pandemoniaa Sat 06-Apr-13 12:29:49

Never underestimate the amount of "remorse" shown by men who get, literally, caught with their pants down. It's the first line of defence. Usually followed by an attempt to blame their sexual incontinence on you.

Cuddlemedolly Sat 06-Apr-13 13:35:01

The place where he had the massage is genuinely legitimate. It is a massage that is carried out on a person naked, but they are draped. It is supposed to be a very empowering massage. I do not think there were any other services involved. I know the masseure was a burlesque dancer as my dh had looked her up when he knew who would be going it.

The massage place is fairly large and trains people to carry out this type of massage. I'm just upset that he booked this sort of massage, lied about it, looked up the girl knew she was a dancer and then decided it was ok to get massaged naked by her and not tell me.

Even if there were not any extras (it really isn't that sort of place) the whole thing is him thinking its ok to do that and lie about it to me

LemonPeculiarJones Sat 06-Apr-13 13:48:04

OP you don't know that place is 'totally legitimate'.

Empowering as an interesting word for a massage. Soothing, relaxing, restorative, yes - empowering suggests something else. The right to have a 'happy ending'? Some men find the sexual accessibility of vulnerable women empowering.

Women who have no real option but to sell themselves sexually are vulnerable.

But apart from all of that, the fact is he did lie. That much you do know. And chose to have a massage with a burlesque dancer - how she looked, her body, the potential for other services were part of his choice.

So sorry - you are in an awful situation, having DCs and feeling betrayed.

Have there been any others incidences of lying?

Darkesteyes Sat 06-Apr-13 13:59:44

I would be asking him no telling him that i would be having the yoni massage which are done by men while the female client is naked.

I would be saying it just to watch his reaction.
Which will say a lot.
After all if the male equivalent of this massage is "legitimate" then the female one will be too wont it!!!!!

Cuddlemedolly Sat 06-Apr-13 14:11:28

Lemon, plenty of incidences of lying. This is just another lie. He seems to keep things from me often, no matter how trivial.

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