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Dh wants to talk-think it might spell the end.

(312 Posts)
houseworkhater Thu 04-Apr-13 15:40:04

Have been together 20 years with 3 dcs.

Most people view us as being well suited and happy together.
Anyhow last year dh said he might leave. I was at my wits end. he said he basically wanted more sex and the house to be tidier.

I ran myself ragged upping the anti. I was literally following the dcs around moving everything in sight endlessly cleaning, throwing things away all to make it easier for me to keep this very tidy house.

After a time I began to think fuck this.
I went away for a few days with 2 dcs and when I came back the house was in a right state. Ds, who stayed at home, immediately said he was starving. Dh was in the pub. I asked dh to come home. He didn't, when he did I asked him to leave as this time I was the one who laid down my demands.

I told dh to stop going out so much and start and put his family first. He stopped going out as much and really made an effort.
We stayed together and have talked things through.
We have both tried to make more time for each other etc.

It is hard as dh is having to work very long hours and is always tired. On top of this he has joined a band. The money does come in handy but the trouble is none of the band have children, only one is married and they are all much youinger than him. He told them that he won't play every weekend but it seems to be taking over. He has told me that one of the band has offered to let him stay at his if we do split up.

I think dh might take him up on the offer!

I am so mad. I know he feels that sex is virtually non existant but he is either in bed before me, tired or out with the bloody band and then I am asleep when he returns.

I really want to make it work. the dcs have no idea that anything is wrong.

Any advice?

Thanks.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 04-Apr-13 15:56:22

This has all the hallmarks of an affair.

He has checked out of the marriage, is spending lots of time away from the family, picking petty fights, being critical, selfish and entitled. Also the fact that sex is non existent suggests he is getting his sexual thrills elsewhere sad

houseworkhater Thu 04-Apr-13 16:07:40

Mad- thanks for replying. I really hope that isn't the case. We are going to talk again when he gets in.
I really don't know what else to do though.

Finola1step Thu 04-Apr-13 16:21:13

But house what do you want? He isn't the only one who gets to decide if it's the end. What do you get out of this marriage? What do you want from this marriage?

Sounds like he wants his cake, to eat it and for you to then clear up his crumbs.

Sorry but I'm with Mad on this one.
And.....!!!! he said he basically wanted more sex and the house to be tidier.
Seriously!??? Well then, why can't he tidy the house????
Right now, he's sounds like a waste of space.
How much better off are you with him???
How much worse off would you be without him???
You don't seem to even want to have sex with him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 04-Apr-13 16:51:46

"I really want to make it work"

But he doesn't. He's just happy to have you running around scared he'll go and, in the meantime, do whatever the hell he pleases. It's a big win-win as far as he's concerned.... I think you should take the initiative and dump him before he dumps you. 10-1 this 'band member' with the spare room is female...

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 04-Apr-13 16:54:12

Take control and tell him you deserve more than this. You do not have to take this shitty behaviour lying down.

houseworkhater Thu 04-Apr-13 16:58:14

I did tell him that he would have to do more around the house as I already do more than 50%.

I do want to spend more time with him and do want sex with him.

I want us to be a family and enjoy doing things together.
I admit that sex has died off and maybe that is partially down to me but I have felt angry with him and wanted him to be there for me.

I don't expect us to be together every waking hour and am fine with him being in the band up to a point.

At the moment I don't know what to feel. Angry and resentful also wanting to make the marriage work.

Annielove Thu 04-Apr-13 16:59:13

Felt i had to reply, i too had almost the same situation with my husband after 4 children and 20 yrs of marriage. He too was in a band, it spelt disaster for us, he became even more arrogant and i found myself running around trying to please him. He would do gigs, talk to lots of females, take numbers etc etc. Horrible horrible situation. I completely lost myself trying to keep him happy. He is now dating a 26yr old , he is 47. I really hope you will be able to say enough's enough rather than hang on to the bitter end like i did. Think about your happiness always. Good luck.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 04-Apr-13 17:01:40

Has he tried to improve things?

Is he suggesting ways of spending time together?

Probably not.

I am not surprised you do not want to have sex with a selfish entitled and distant man.

juneau Thu 04-Apr-13 17:03:45

It takes two to make a marriage work and it sounds like you're prepared to put in the time and effort - but is he? If he is, then dumping the band would be a start. Marriage counselling might help too. And a holiday or even a weekend away where you two can spend a bit of time together and perhaps get the mojo back in your marriage. I think he needs to be honest here though as a starting point - does he want to work at this or not? Because if he wants out and has already mentally left, you're going to be flogging a dead horse.

How old are DCs, OP? Could they help around the house a bit more, rather than you following them around, tidying up after them (obviously not if they are: 2, 1 & a few weeks old - hence my 1st question!)

Ask him what investment he feels he's making in the marriage.

houseworkhater Thu 04-Apr-13 17:06:15

I'm feeling resentful right now. I told him this last time.
I am the one who has spent more time looking after the kids. He has carried on going out, sure we have done lots of things together but he has had a good wife as far as i am concerned.

He thinks I moan too much about money but that was one of my concerns before. I am the one who thinks of saving,he thinks for today.
He has put doubt in my head again by saying things aren't right again for him.
I know he has spoken to a friend before and he told him to put up with it! Not in so many words but that his life is good and what is he moaning about.

I am feeling ill thinking about it now.

StoicButStressed Thu 04-Apr-13 17:18:52

Not surprised you're feeling resentful house - I would be steaming, never mind just resentful (tho yes, would be a shitload of that too).

What time are you having his deigned little 'chat'?

Here's my advice - go look in the mirror (literally) and see yourself/who've you've become (in every sense from physical to pyschological to your own goals and aspirations etc etc.)

Ask YOURSELF if all you see matches who you recall yourself being (apart from the obv one of all of us a year older each year, though DO include self-care etc)?

Then ask yourself what you would say to your daughter/sister/neice/best friend if THEY were in YOUR position? My guess is that l'il voice we all have in our heads and our gut instincts will give you more answers than we can.

But we WILL be here to help ok? Big un-MN hugs from me to you xx

(and a sharp kick up arse of middle aged man struggling to re-find his youth and not having his family as no.1 in his world).

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 04-Apr-13 17:23:23

Don't feel ill. Stand up for yourself and don't accept any more criticism. Don't think much of your friend having to tell him to 'put up with' you.... hmm Up your standards...

FunnyWords Thu 04-Apr-13 17:24:56

Sounds like my dh, apart from the band thing, as when ever we argue or these "talks" come up, it's always about sex / housework!

I don't really have anything to say that will help but I hope you are ok!

houseworkhater Thu 04-Apr-13 17:32:26

I just feel so depressed when I was beginning to feel happier.
I did think the sex thing would rear it's head again.

My dd1 has even said that she hasn't seen her dad for a while. She was out till late last night though.

I think the band are an issue as he isn't as young and carefree as any of them.

I will have to tell him this.

In the past I have told him that I must feel he puts me and the kids first. part of the sex issue I think has been because I have felt let down and that no, I haven't felt loved and wanted enough. I hope that makes sense.

My dcs are 16, 14 and 10 so not young.

he accused me last time of shouting too much at them. This made me shout at him! I've told him to bloody well help more then and stop leaving me to do it. He was shocked so i told him that in the past I had felt let down, he should have been around more to muck in.

this all sounds bad. he is a good dad. Runs around after the kids etc but I do feel like I have done the majority of the hard work.

Want to try and stay calm when we talk and loose it again.

juneau Thu 04-Apr-13 17:34:46

Joining a band and wanting to hang out with a bunch of guys younger than yourself = classic mid-life crisis. Is that what all this is about - his MLC? It certainly sounds like it.

Tortington Thu 04-Apr-13 17:35:50

do you work and have outside interests?

( i think your dh is being very selfish, and it sounds a bit like a little boy wanting a lollipop)

I think you need to wait until he tells you what he wants to talk about. In the meantime think about what you want and tell him this. Then take it from there. We don't know at this point what he is feeling.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 04-Apr-13 17:37:47

MLC my arse.... it's just selfish behaviour and if there isn't a woman on the horizon I'd be very surprised. Threats to leave, demands for a tidier house, accusing the OP of shouting, having a 'band member' to go stay with. He's making himself as horrible as possible so that the OP says 'get out' and he can then sob into his pint with his band/OW that 'the wife doesn't understand me'....

Hopasholic Thu 04-Apr-13 17:38:33

Do some digging before he comes back to 'talk'

How's he going to manage working full time and playing at being the next Bono when you tell him he'll be having his DC's 50% of the time? (even if you have no intention of this being the case)

I'd err on the side of 'this is your chance to tell me the truth' because this really does sound like the typical 'midlife crisis aka met someone else'

So sorry if this is not the case but please do be prepared.

houseworkhater Thu 04-Apr-13 17:39:13

Cog- it wasn't said quite like that. I think what he meant was that it was a very small price to pay to stay in what he thinks is essentially a good marriage. His friend said that no relationship is perfect.

I told him before that he either did more housework or he got the kids to do it as I am sick and tired of asking/nagging them.

I also pointed out that as I do approx 80% of the housework including all the gardening and decorating, then I won't be doing any more. so that was his choice either he does more or he gets the kids to do it.

I also work as well.

He has said before that he thinks he jas a problem.

Mumsyblouse Thu 04-Apr-13 17:40:48

Whatever it is, it's unlikely to be something you want to hear, why make an appointment with your wife to discuss things (only men who have something to say do this).

I would get yourself into a calm state so that whatever he has to say, you don't immediately react. His demands about the house are ridiculous, even his friends know that, and you feel unloved and unwanted- how is he going to fix any of that?

My guess is that he is going to say that he wants out, and my second guess is that he will say there is no-one else but actually being in the band has given him a new set of possibilities and he's being a twat in a mid-life crisis.

I might be wrong, but it's very unlikely he wants to talk about who is mowing the lawn next week.

however much you fight it, you cana't fight against someone in this mind-set, the best thing to do is listen, absorb and then wonder what is going to be best for you, not for him because he is prioritising his own feelings, you need to prioritise yours and the childrens.

best of luck

NaturalBlondeYeahRight Thu 04-Apr-13 17:43:48

I might be stupid, but what about calling his bluff? Right now. End it first, if he wants it to end then you keep your self respect, if he realises what he has lost and that the grass isn't always greener, then you get to make him work bloody hard to win you back.
Your rules this time!
It does sound like he is checking out of the relationship at the moment.

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