Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Am I being unreasonable about this?(40 Posts)
Namechanged for this; the shame. DP and I moved in together 3 months ago - and you're going to tell me that I should have done my due diligence before doing so, and I agree. Blinded by love, bla bla, stupid stupid, I understand I am lying in the bed I made.
He hasn't told most of his family about me yet. He told his parents he was 'seeing someone' but not that we live together - they are worriers, apparently, and he is going through issues with his ex (who doesn't sound stable) and his kids. I wasn't involved in their break-up, but it's something that from what he says is still raw in his ex and kids' mind - breakup was instigated by him. I understand his point, but how long am I expected to wait on this? A year? Two years??
So his parents don't know about me. His ex and kids don't. His brother does, but none of his other siblings - his friends know and I've met them, but not met the brother.
On the flipside I've introduced him to my mum and my DC see him regularly, plus my ex is fully aware of my new relationship. I feel I had to strong-arm him into telling his parents he wsa even seeing someone, and that I have integrated him into my life, but not vice versa. I thought he would tell them once things had settled down with his ex but she continues not to settle, and I think he's too scared to.
He makes sense when he says his ex and kids will find the idea of me upsetting (and actually I believe that his ex would make it very difficult for him to see their kids out of spite, if she heard he was in a new relationship, hence my quietitude so far), but tbh in that case I don't feel he should be in a relationship - he's living a double life. I love him very much but I want a relationship that doesn't make me feel like a dirty secret.
It's making me really resent him. I don't want to give up on our relationship as he's a good DP and makes me happy 99% of the time but then I think if he was a 'good DP' I wouldn't be a secret to his family - if you're living with someone your parents should have met them, right??
AIBU? And obviously, WWYD?
It sounds like you will have to continue doing all the pushing too
The coming "months" ?
I would want a less vague timescale than that and would not actually be very sympathetic about how "scared" he is of his ex
What does he think she might do exactly ?
Turns out nobody ate the salmon.
It went well ... I think ... though I'm still left feeling alternately loving and full of rage towards DP. He came home looking absolutely exhausted - had taken two days off work to be with his kids during the Easter holidays, and it hadn't gone well - to the point I felt a bit bad having another stressful conversation with him.
But we had it - he was initially defensive, kept trying to make excused and then admitting that they were just excuses because with everything going on, me meeting his family haven't been his first priority. In his mind he isn't 'that close' to them, but actually he's as close as anyone is - he readily accepted my feelings on the matter and suggested I meet both his parents and brother asap.
His ex and kids are another issue entirely. He's said that she'll go mental if he tells her and that we just have to wait for her to stabilise - from what he says she hasn't been stable in years and won't be any time soon, so she will just have to deal with her ex moving on - if anything that might help her close off this chapter. I realized he is scared of her. We came to the compromise that she will know but that they will decide on a time to tell his kids - but that they do need to know within the coming months.
I do feel dissatisfied ... mostly the fact that I was forced to have this conversation and I shouldn't have had to. So we'll see - I'm watching and waiting. TBH we are both exhausted, both work 60+ hour weeks and spend as much time as we can with our kids on the side so a lot slips by the wayside in terms of keeping our relationship at 100% ... I think this conversation has reminded him that he still has to try.
Good luck OP. Eat all the salmon yourself
You can't leave your children in the position of being this guy's dirty little secret.
I'm a little bit horrified you have put them in this position.
3 months is long enough to have given it, you can take your DCs elsewhere, remove him from their lives, you could go back to dating (but dating so he doesn't get to come to your house and see your DCs) until he's ready to show he wants you to be part of his life then he gets to be part of yours.
stay strong. enjoy the wine - but not too much so you have all loved up goggles on!!
He called ... home in about 15 minutes ... he sounds nervous. Good.
Can't believe that after our argument I sent him an email (knowing he was with DC and not wanting to disturb) letting him know that I took responsibility for my part in it (even though it was his doing but it's not about blame bla bla), and bought him bloody expensive smoked salmon - untouched seeing as he didn't come home. Might feed it to the foxes if this goes badly.
Ahem, anyway. Sorry. Will have a and calm down.
Good luck. You deserve better than this, so really hope he comes up trumps.
Good luck, and you sound lovely, btw
You might love him, but it doesn't mean you should compromise what you know is right.
AnyFucker just FYI your posts have made me cheer more than once - just realised you posted that.
How long am I going to leave it? If he doesn't have the reaction I'd expect from an essentially decent man in a relationship he values - albeit one who has been a twunt because he's a coward and wants to have his shiny new relationship cake and eat his Dear Old Daddy cake on the other side - then there isn't a relationship, is there, just a liar.
So ... until tonight. I'll update tomorrow. Thanks for the kick up the arse, guys, and the advice.
Just got home after a hellish journey and am taking time to read through the rest of these posts - thank you everyone for your thoughts, it's been really helpful.
overmydeadbody I don't know that, you're right! And last night was the first night I thought, "You could be anywhere..." to the point where this morning I grilled him on the film he went to see with his DC, etc. The film was on where he said it was etc so I'm placated, for now.
But yes, I do now sense that there's a distance between myself and anyone who knows him on more than a friendship level - and of course friendship is a thing you can PR.
I don't know whether he is oblivious to how wrongly he is going about things, thinks it's the best way, or simply finds it easier than the inevitable confrontation. But it isn't working.
He'll be home at 9 or so ...I'm going to lay out the situation and how it makes me feel. He can choose to do what he wants about my feelings, no ultimatums. But if his choice (i.e. his immediate reaction, this evening) is not for me to meet his brother and parents - we are at that stage, if he has been truthful about his feelings and given we're living together I don't think it's too much to ask - and for him to let his ex and DC know, then it's over. I won't sit here and be made a bloody fool out of, it just grates at me. Mostly it grates that he might have pooled the wool over my eyes, fgs.
I do love him, so very much, but I can't like him right at this moment because of this.
Hope you have a good talk, don't let him tell you that you are unreasonable or difficult. stay calm and focusedx
You haven't "made your bed"
You can hop right out of it any time you like
You simply choose not to...instead putting your faith in a proven liar and deceiver
He's not going to repay that trust and faith if he hasn't done it by now. How much longer are you going to leave it...until your small children have never known any different ?
and how do you know his ex had gone out and that was why he was staying there?
And how old are his kids exactly?
Everything you think you know about his ex (she'll be upset by you, she'd stop him seeing his children, she's unstable) is purely from what your dp has told you.
He's keeping a very careful distance between you and anyone who might be in a position to tell you a different story about what's really been happening.
Even if everything he's been telling you is 100% true, it still comes down to one thing - your feelings are being put waaaaaay down on his list of priorities here. Everyone else's feelings are being spared at the expense of your own.
TBH I don't think he'll get back together with the ex ... well, how do I now, I thought a lot of things. I just feel so ... horrible in myself. Secondhand.
Going onto mobile now so please excuse short messages/typos. Taking all of your comments on board. DP and I have a talk later so I feel better knowing that other people find this situation not just undesirable, but suspicious.
sorry I was slow to post.
I think the only thing you can do now is talk to him again, without it turning into a row, and find out exactly why you haven't met his family yet and when he is planning on introducing you.
After a year at least his ex should have 'settled down' to the fact that they are no longer together.
How ex is his ex? When did they split up? Are they divorced, how often does he see his dc and where does this contact take place?
Where was he living before he moved in with you?
I can see why he might think it's easier to keep you all separate, but that really is cowardly and very disrespectful to your feelings (and to his own family and children tbh). I'd be very wary.
God it looks bad written down. Really bad.
Cogito I have savings, I could move. I have half the deposit I'd need to get back but I can afford to just move.
I want to give him a chance to make it right first, however. If, like hellsbells says, all I get are excuses and arguments and accusations, that's when I know it's not worth continuing, right? I feel I should be valuing myself more than that.
"last night he said ex had decided to stay with a friend so he was going to sleep over there to look after the kids. No phone call, a text"
Don't waste your life being someone else's afterthought...
How long have you been together?
How long after starting this relationship did you move in together?
Did you both move into a new place together or did one of you move into the other person's house?
In what way is his ex not 'settling down' and in what way would she continue not to 'settle' if she knew about you? What does that even mean?
I would be very wary if I were you.
Sounds to me like there are a lot of unresolved issues with his "ex" too.
Be prepared for him moving back out again, or tell him to leave.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.