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Having doubts in a relationship

(22 Posts)
something2say Wed 03-Apr-13 18:41:36

Could it be that you are pushing him away for some reason?

Cherriesarelovely Wed 03-Apr-13 16:25:01

Hi Sparkley, could it be that you are feeling nervous because you had two bad relationships before? Maybe that you can't believe this is as good as it seems? I understand that. I felt very similarly when I had been with my lovely DP for a few months. My previous relationship had ended really badly (and there were trust issues as a result of infidelity). In some ways I didn't feel ready to trust my new DP and being on my own seemed safer. Like you I had no real reason to feel like this, no unpleasant behaviour on DPs part at all. In the end I just decided to ride it out. The insecure feelings lasted on and off for about a year into our relationship and then completely stopped. It has been fantastic for 9 years now.

It might not be that at all but if you do love him and you do want to "settle down" I would be inclined to sit with your feelings and just see how it goes. Making sure you don 't feel pushed into anything too soon. Much better than making a rash decision that you might regret.

deliasmithy Wed 03-Apr-13 15:29:20

Sparkley - relationships are rarely perfect all of the time.
If something difficult happened and you two had to cope with it do you think you could stay united even when things weren't perfect?
Ive heard it said embracing a challenge as a couple is a good test. Either getting through something unplanned together like a family emergency, or engineering a joint challenge, like moving house together, planning a long adventurous holiday, etc.

The above doesnt help about feelings but might tell you more about the depth of the relationship.

fluffyanimal Wed 03-Apr-13 14:49:56

If I decide he's not the one how do I know I won't meet somebody else, think its all perfect and then have the same thing happen again?

Hello OP, been there, done that. I'd been with my then DP for 4 years, living with him for a year, and he proposed marriage. I said yes, then had second thoughts and backed out. We stayed together but the doubts and anxiety drove me to a nervous breakdown and I was quite ill for a few months. It was really tough on him. Why did I feel like that? Well, long story, but the short version is that deep down I felt I didn't love him like I thought he deserved to be loved, that somehow I wasn't good enough for this person who I knew loved me completely and would never let me down. But I was just as terrified to walk away because I thought, if I meet someone else and fall in love with them, how do I know I won't get the same doubts again?

This is the key, I think, to realising that you do love him, that he is the right one, and that the doubts are all in your own head arising from whatever lies at the root of your tendency to anxiety.

It has already been said that there are no guarantees in life - you can't know for certain that if you commit to this man your future will be happy forever. Nobody knows what stresses life will present you with and how well you will both cope with them - all you can know is that you'll do your best and that you believe your DP will do his best too. With my DP I tended to think in absolutes - marrying him needed to mean 100% certainty and would result in 100% happiness. That was just too scary however - and with good reason: who is capable of 100% certainty? - that's a goal I was never going to achieve - setting myself up for a fall - and 100% happiness - how boring, how stifling! No wonder I used to visualise marriage as the end of all the growth and development in our relationship.

Also, it's already been said - if a decision is causing you anxiety, no decision is OK until you feel stronger. My DP said something to me that helped: "Do you want to be with me today?" "Yes." "Do you want to be with me tomorrow?" "Yes". "Then let's start with that and let the days after that take care of themselves."

Anyway, sorry, probably over-projecting a little here but hope it helps for you. My story ends happily - together 18 years and married for 9, 2 kids, normal ups and downs, no more doubts. Hope your story will end happily too.

Sparkley84 Wed 03-Apr-13 14:36:00

He's not typically gorgeous, and not what I'd go for in a ideal world, but he's cute and has a gorgeous smile :-)

MadBraLady Wed 03-Apr-13 14:32:58

Probably a silly question: do you fancy him? Is he grabbable? smile

Lottapianos Wed 03-Apr-13 14:22:38

'If I decide he's not the one how do I know I won't meet somebody else, think its all perfect and then have the same thing happen again?

You don't sad I'm finding therapy hugely helpful in sorting out why I feel the way I do about things. I learned from my parents (looooooong story) that any flaws or disappointments in a relationship are not to be tolerated, and are a sign that the whole thing is doomed. There are things about DP that drive me bonkers and things about the relationship that I would like to change,but I'm working on feeling comfortable with weighing up the losses and gains from staying in the relationship and for me, the gains most definitely outweight the losses. And counting my blessings of course! I'm not a gambler either so would be scared to throw away a great relationship on the 'chance' of something better.

It's a tough one OP - I would just give it time

Sammieantha86 Wed 03-Apr-13 14:19:12

This sounds exactly like my situation!! Me and my partner now been together for 8 months and i have never been happier -- i can honestly say not a single thing he does annoys me, i love him completely and would without a doubt marry this man tomorro!!

i had the exact same small feeling inside but then realised that perhaps it was just that i was that used to being took for granted/treated badly, i was looking for a 'catch, one that wasnt even there...

all i can say is, DONT! until your partner gives u reason to feel like this, make the most of him/you and just think about how lucky you are to have found him and this love you share.....the last thing u want to do is push this man away for no reason what-so-ever and end up regretting it

wishing you and your other half all the best for the future, im sure you will be just fine smile

and remember 'Youre the luckiest girl in the world' ;)

Sparkley84 Wed 03-Apr-13 14:17:08

Thank you.

The doubts and worries have clouded my judgement a little. Up until recently I couldn't imagine being without him and felt like he was my missing jigsaw piece. But that has changed and it scares me. If I decide he's not the one how do I know I won't meet somebody else, think its all perfect and then have the same thing happen again?

Lottapianos Wed 03-Apr-13 14:14:44

'let it happen at its own pace.'

I think that's really good advice. Someone once said to me, if you have a decision to make and you're struggling with it, just do nothing - the answer will make itself clear over time.

Good luck and keep posting smile

BicBiro Wed 03-Apr-13 14:13:35

I'm sorry but it sounds to me too that you're just not quite ready yet, hence the emotional reaction which is pushing against the relationship. you say you are desperate to get married, so this could be propelling you along a path which emotionally you are not quite ready for yet. head and heart don't always coincide, and it sounds to me that you need to give it some more time to allow your emotions to catch up with your head. try not to react out of feelings of desperation as you will rush the process and stand more chance to wreck it that way. let it happen at its own pace. good luck!

deliasmithy Wed 03-Apr-13 14:04:46

I think it would be foolish for someone to be 100% certain about other people, how can we be when we are not in control of them? Part of relationships and marriage is putting faith into someone. Things might not work out. Or they might. Its a gamble.

But theres a difference between 50% and 99%.

Give yourself some thinking space to work out if you are unhappy with anything or whether you feel rushed etc or if just not for you.

Some one could be amazing on paper. But if they are not the yin to your yang it doesn't matter how amazing they are.

When I met my OH it was like finding the perfect fitting piece of clothing. It wasnt the label I thought it would be, some days I love the pattern and some days I like it. Some times it irritates the hell out of me. But it fits so well I'll never go anywhere without it.

Well it could be that you don't actually love him, and that is why you are having doubts. You might just not have that extra connection that people have when they properly deeply love another person and feel like they have found their soul mate.

Hoe do you feel if you imagine your future without him in it? Or with him in it?

You could just be scared of something so good, but I suspect if you truly loved ihm you wouldn't feel this way.

Sparkley84 Wed 03-Apr-13 13:43:01

Thank you Lottapianos, that helps. In my other two LTRs it was always the guy who ended it and broke my heart whereas I know this guy would never do that. In some ways that scares me a bit as I feel like it puts pressure on me which is ridiculous given that all I've ever wanted is a guy like that!

Sparkley84 Wed 03-Apr-13 13:40:17

Thank you for all the replies. I do love him and he makes me happy. I want to settle and am desperate to get married and have kids which does make me wonder if I'm just picking somebody who looks good on paper. But I am a negative person and have problems with anxiety so it would be very 'like me' to doubt things. I don't know if I've got myself into a vicious circle worrying about it and making it a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Lottapianos Wed 03-Apr-13 13:32:23

OP, I've had doubts too and am in a similar situation. My DP is wonderful, kind and caring and funny and I just love coming home to him every day. We have been together nearly 8 years though!

I've had niggles now and then which I've found very unsettling because I couldn't pin them on anything. I see a therapist weekly as I'm coming to terms with emotional abuse in my childhood - I spoke to her about it and she suggested that having doubts and questioning the relationship from time to time is healthy, because otherwise it's just blind faith. It's almost like 'checking in' with yourself to make sure that you're still happy!

Like you, I've had rotten relationships in the past and I wonder if the doubts are something to do with not quite believing in happiness, just waiting for things to all go wrong, like they have done before?

Zilvernblue Wed 03-Apr-13 13:28:09

Do you love him? Or are you settling because he ticks all the right boxes on paper?

Helltotheno Wed 03-Apr-13 13:23:58

It sounds to me like you're not ready to settle down. Could that be it?

Sparkley84 Wed 03-Apr-13 13:22:00

That's what my Mum said - she said I couldn't believe that I'd finally found someone who is so lovely (after 2 bad relationships) so I was trying to scupper it. There genuinely is no reason at all for the doubt. It started when we began discussing moving in together so I thought maybe I was scared about that, so we've put it off for now, but it hasn't helped. I just don't understand why I'm feeling like this - nothing has changed in the relationship so I don't know how I can go from being so happy to suddenly having doubts.

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Wed 03-Apr-13 13:18:59

It's not some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy is it? You secretly believe he's way too good for you so you convince yourself that it won't work anyway?

If you're perfect together, it's fate and meant to be and you'll be together forever.

Can you see yourself with him forever? Marriage, kids, etc? Where do you see yourselves in five years time?

CostaTen Wed 03-Apr-13 13:18:15

You say you don't know why or what is giving you these doubts but surely there must be something if you feel it isn't right? Maybe you're feeling that it's too good to be true?

Sparkley84 Wed 03-Apr-13 13:06:23

I'm 28 and in a relationship with an incredible guy. We've been together for 9 months and I was so happy and had never felt so loved. I thought he was the guy I'd marry and have kids with. But recently I've been having doubts. I don't know why or what about but I just feel like something isn't right. The doubts are getting worse to the point where i'm not even sure if I want to be with him anymore. I'm so confused. He's the most amazing man and is perfect for me. He is everything I have ever wanted in a relationship and I love him - so why am I not happy? My friends have told me I'd be a fool to let him go as I'll never find anyone so perfect for me. But I can't help the way I feel. Is it normal to have doubts in a relationship?

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