Demanding Dp

[ChubbyBean]

I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable, but I just need to get a little perspective.

Last night like many times before Dp demands I go and give him a cuddle. I was tired. I know that I withdraw from him physically, mainly because a kiss and cuddle are never just that. He usually pesters me incessantly for sex. I feel like I'm constantly giving in to his demands just keep the peace. To stop him from sulking etc. He often thrusts himself onto me whilst hugging me. He'll grope or attempt to have sex with me even when i say no. I have to push him away. Or get up and walk away. I find pressure to have sex a major major turn off. Yet I worry about the lack of intimacy (i have low libido). I feel put upon and constantly tired. He can be quite selfish and lacks empathy which angers me after a long day with dd.

Our sex life has taken a massive hit since having dd. We co-sleep. I suffered badly from PND largely brought on (i think) due to lack of support. I have lost a lot of confidence and almost don't know who i am anymore. I'm just mummy. I wanted to return to work a while back but he categorically said he wanted me to stay at home. He was worried that I'd expect him to help much more than he currently does. I often feel like a single parent, I have to ask him to do things around the house or with dd. We've talked about it but not much changes.

I feel like he controls everything I do. The only thing that I have that is my own is my body. And even that he behaves as though he's entitled to it. I feel like he doesn't respect me by forcing himself onto me. I feel like we're stuck in this vicious cycle of him demanding sex and me being turned off and rejecting it. I just needed to vent.

[dreamingbohemian]

I think you need to do more than vent. I think you need to think seriously about whether you want to stay with such a selfish, controlling arse of a man. He sounds vile.

Do you have any friends or family for support?

[Sugarice]

He pressures you into sex and you have to fend him off.
He sulks.
He is selfish.
Lacks empathy.
He was worried in case you expected more help at home so he insisted you remain a SAHM to ensure he wouldn't have to do more.

Tell me, why do you want to stay with him when he sounds like a complete arsehole?

[ChubbyBean]

Dreaming I did have a very active social life. But after having dd I stopped going out. Dp wasn't confident in looking after dd alone. My family live in Devon so I don't see them as much as I'd like to.

I'm just a bit fed up with his behaviour. He seems to think its acceptable. I've told him countless of times how it makes me feel. It's almost as if his needs trump mine.

[Lueji]

Dp wasn't confident in looking after dd alone.
And are you?
Do you have some magic powers that taught you to look after your dd alone?

It's almost as if his needs trump mine.
Because they do. For him.

Your posts are full of red flags and controlling behaviour.

Sorry, but he seems really bad news. And I don't think it will end up well if you stay with him.

[mowzer]

Urrgh, what a guy. Of course he thinks it's acceptable, it's fine for him! Doesn't sound like he listens to your point of view. Is dd still small? Can you go stay with family for a while to have a think? Xx

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

What you're describing is very worrying. Controlling, disrespectful, contemptuous behaviour will, left unchecked, make you yet another victim of emotional bullying/abuse. Pestering for sex is totally unacceptable. Not allowing you to return to the workplace is keeping you dependent on him and that's always a bad sign. You appear to be nothing more than a domestic appliance with genitals ... The 'proof' to me that you're being bullied would be the symptoms that you're already depressed & your confidence is shot to pieces.

I doubt you have a low libido. Who would want to shag him? Do find a way to get your life back.

[mowzer]

Urrgh, what a guy. Of course he thinks it's acceptable, it's fine for him! Doesn't sound like he listens to your point of view. Is dd still small? Can you go stay with family for a while to have a think? Xx

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"Dp wasn't confident in looking after dd alone."

That's just code for 'if I crack on I can't do it, she'll have to stay home'. It's the holidays, you don't have a job. How about packing a bag and taking DD to stay with your relatives in Devon for a while? Give yourself some time to really think about what's going on. Talk to friends and family. What you're describing is really not normal.

[InSearchOfPerfection]

Please read your post again as if it was theo Wong somebody else. What would you think of aman who

• demands sex or otherwise goes in a sulk.
  
• tells you what you can and can't do. So you can't work because he will have to pull his weight more???
  
• refuses to look after his own dd. Being confident is just a excuse. He can and will learn as all other parents do.
  
• anything has to be done so that it has the least disturbance to HIM wo any care of the effect on others such as your pnd...
  

I agree, it's not just venting you need to do :(

[ChubbyBean]

lueji No magic powers, just common sense. I am dd mother. I know it was almost certainly an excuse not to look after dd alone.

Dd is 18 months. The thing I struggle with is, the person I was pre dd would not have put up with this crap. I feel so trapped. I have no financial independence, if I left where would I go. I have barely a penny to my name.

[Willow36]

Gosh, he sounds awful. This is no way to live. Pressurising you to have sex with him is disgusting.

[Sallyingforth]

So sorry to hear this Dreaming. It seems you are stuck in a very one-sided relationship where your only functions are to service his housekeeping and sexual needs.

He's stopped your social life.
He's stopped you working.
He's stopped you seeing your family.
He's stopped your enjoyment of sex.

You could find all of these things again without him. What are you waiting for?

[Snazzynewyear]

Can you still go back to work? Have you given up your job now? If not, I would start making arrangements to return. It's not just his decision to make and if you want to go back to work and gain back some independence, you have every right to do so.

It's not just venting that's needed here. Your partner seems to have everything his way and that's not on. I second Cogito's suggestion to go and stay with your family for a bit and think all this over.

[Sallyingforth]

Sorry that should have been addressed to Chubby

[Lueji]

*the person I was pre dd would not have put up with this crap.
Quite.
That's why he wants you as a SAHM too. :(

BTW, you didn't have to answer my question. It was rhetorical. :)

[ChubbyBean]

snazzy I'd love to go back to work. I gave up my job after maternity leave, I was suffering from PND and I just couldn't see how I could manage it all alone with no support. I know lots of single parents do it!

I had a few interviews but nothing came of them. I just feel like if I could get my confidence back and get rid of this depression then I could get back out there professionally and socially.

[Lueji]

If you are feeling trapped, do contact WA.
They can arrange for you to go to a shelter and help you find accommodation, etc.

[TheOrchardKeeper]

I feel so trapped. I have no financial independence, if I left where would I go. I have barely a penny to my name

He's got you where he wants you. So sorry for you OP.

Have you tried calling women's aid for some advice?

[ChubbyBean]

I'll call later after putting dd down for a nap.

[ImperialBlether]

I think if you got rid of this awful man your depression would magically lift.

You are lucky to have little libido - I wouldn't have any libido if I lived with someone like that.

When you say you are losing yourself I feel really worried for you. You say your family live in Devon. Would you be able to go down there for a while with your DD? You could say you were going for the weekend and then stay until you feel well again. How do you get on with your family? Are they supportive when you're there?

[ChubbyBean]

I don't get on particularly well with my narc mum. But that's a whole other thread! I could go to my brothers place but i couldn't stay longer than a couple of days.

[ImperialBlether]

If you were to daydream, what would be your ideal life? Where would you be living? Who would be in the house?

By the way, I found anti-depressants very useful when I was suffering from PND and had an arse of a husband. They enabled me to think straight.

[Snazzynewyear]

Are there any friends nearby you could stay with for a bit? You said you used to have a good social life - could you get back in touch with some of those people? I agree that your partner will have to learn how to feel more confident with looking after your DD - how will he ever get better if he doesn't try and it all gets left to you?

I too am not surprised you are depressed given your circumstances. Yes you've had PND but it doesn't sound like your partner is doing anything to help you with that and is in fact making it worse.

[ChubbyBean]

I've just gone back on fluoxetine after coming off citalopram 6 months ago. I could get back in touch with friends via Facebook. But I fear that were in different chapters. Given I'm a sahm with a toddler and most of them have careers and are foot loose etc. I'm also due to move house in a couple of weeks so the timing isn't great in terms of staying away for a bit.

As much as Dp is an arse I do struggle to be assertive. Therefore when he expects me to do things for dd etc. I generally just get on with it. I seriously have never seen his behaviour as abusive. Maybe somewhat controlling...Maybe that's where I've gone wrong. I don't actually know what a good relationship looks like.