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DH leaving me - please tell me it gets easier

(32 Posts)
Easternightmare Tue 02-Apr-13 23:24:24

Having an absolute nightmare that I never ever expected to happen (naive me). Been together 15+ years - since University - and married for last two and two DC 2yrs and 10 weeks. Had to visit in laws today together and tell them we were separating. With a new baby. I am absolutely devastated and swinging from feeling ok, hysterical, sad, angry and desperate for him to love me again within minutes. My reliable lovely bloke partner who always loved me and would have done anything for me doesn't want me anymore ( I know that sounds pathetic) and. The worst part is the regret that I feel as I have been so so difficult to be with and really have not treated him well or respectfully, or with love, for the past few years. Conversely to many of the threads that I read here I have been so unreasonable and he has basically had enough. I have very much been 'in control' of the relationship and the decisions made and I know realise, through counselling and lots of talking that my criticism/nagging etc has destroyed his love for me. Either that and/or OW and /or mid life crisis and/or some sort of breakdown - I'm not too sure. I've avoided focusing on these possibilities as I felt they may be a way of absolving responsibility from me which isn't really fair on him although I do have my suspicions. This probably sounds jumbled, am sat with the baby, H in the spare room which absolutely kills me, feeling so so lonely and desperate. Please someone tell me is gets better as I am struggling to see right now that it does despite reading some pretty inspiring posts from other women.

higherground Tue 02-Apr-13 23:30:08

I haven't got any real advice but couldn't leave your post unanswered. I hope things work out x

Cherriesarelovely Tue 02-Apr-13 23:39:12

You poor thing. I feel for you so much. It must be an incredibly stressful, upsetting time for you, would be for any of us let alone with a 2 year old and a 10 week old. You don't sound pathetic in the slightest. Please keep posting, as you know there are some amazingly wise people on MN and everyone will support you here. Massive hugs to you OP.

Talkingsgood Tue 02-Apr-13 23:46:01

Hi x my husband left 4 weeks ago an although I would probably still have him back in a min (I'm sure he knows that) I also blame myself for mostly all the wrongs in our marriage (although I'm starting to realise it wasn't all me) I feel that I am getting stronger every day x people say it gets better and for the first 3 weeks I couldn't believe it would but over the last
Week I find I'm crying less and also seeing things I never seen before (his shortcomings) I wouldn't have believed how different I would feel when he first left but I'm telling you I will be the one who comes out of this on top xx an after a while you will be the same xx good luck try to stay strong in front of him x this is really difficult to do especially when he's the one calling the shots xx hope your ok x

Easternightmare Tue 02-Apr-13 23:48:30

Thank you both. It's just so surreal and the guilt is overwhelming. Telling his parents who we are both very close to was terrible. It's hard because I can't and don't hate him even though I hate what he is doing and feel completely abandoned. I need to get angry and dislike him but I can't even though we are snapping a each other and disagreements are flaring. Al the time we should be sharing and enjoying our new DC and we are just coexisting in the house. I just can't see how I will get through it even though rationally I know I will and I am usually very strong. How to tell friends and relatives? What will people think of us etc? I know perhaps I shouldn't worry but I have always worried about what others thought of me and we have lots of friends, two large families etc. We had a big wedding a couple of years ago- it's so embarrassing. Then when I write that I think it's ridiculous that I am worrying about what others think etc. I also don't want people to hate him or blame him - on the surface he is very much the guilty one but I can't deny my part in getting us to this point. I ave massively neglected our relationship - even though he doesn't agree with this I know I have. I can't stop desperately hoping he will change his mind or realise he has made a mistake even though again when I am being calm and rationale there is no way back from this situation and we have both been so horrible to each other and maybe I will be happier on my own?

Easternightmare Tue 02-Apr-13 23:53:12

Thank you Talkngsgood that's really helpful. I'm glad you are feeling better and stronger. I know/hope that as soon as I am stronger and think 'fuck you' that I will feel better. I can't pretend that I don't hope he's will realise what he is doing then also and begin to regret it. He is so complex and I don't feel I know him at all anymore. Many of his actions/behaviour follow the 'scripts' I have read on here so much but throw into the mix his general complicatedness/ my behaviour and possible MH issues that I just don't know whether what he is saying is really what he is feeling. I.e. he doesn't want me anymore. Am just struggling so much to believe it- maybe that is arrogant - and probably linked to me always calling the shots in the past - wrong I know.

Ginga66 Tue 02-Apr-13 23:57:28

Are you sure he's not suffering from depression. A new baby and a two year old is no cake walk. I know I have two and my marriage is in dire straits.
You may have been controlling and neglectful of your relationship but men will never understand the overwhelming pressure of motherhood.
Is it possible you could go to relate and talk with an impartial counsellor, it seems desperate to split with a new baby.

Cherriesarelovely Wed 03-Apr-13 00:01:50

Eastern I think many of those thoughts are very understandable. One of our friends broke up with her DH 6 weeks after a huge lavish wedding and after they had been together for 8 years, she had very similar feelings. Telling people will be really tough but you will only have to tell them once. Could you tell a close friend and ask them to tell some others? I bet most people will be falling over themselves to offer help and support especially bearing in mind that you have just had a baby. Was there one single, final straw for your DH or was it just a build up of things?

Cherriesarelovely Wed 03-Apr-13 00:03:15

sorry x post. Just wondering, like Gina if the young children could be a huge part of this, for both of you.

Easternightmare Wed 03-Apr-13 00:21:30

Ginga - we did four sessions with a relate counsellor, at my DHs suggestion. She was lovely and for me it did a lot of good ad it helped me to understand what I had been like. She suggested various strategies to try to communicate better etc and we both did what was suggested but it became clearer that my DH just didn't know what he wanted and couldn't see that there was any way back for us. She basically suggested that there wasn't alot of point in going back, something needed to change, he couldn't 'unsay' what he had said etc. I am naturally very positive, he the opposite and the overwhelming message from him from the very start of this process/my discovery that he was unhappy was that this is not mendable. The more I have pushed him (and I have pushed and pushed and really wound him up which I know is not good but have been so gutted) the more he has withdrawn until a couple of nights ago where he cracked and said that was it. He has seemed happier and lighter since he said that and we had two days out with kids at the weekend. These nice times then give me hope of course and but when I express that he just says he is being civil for the children. I don know if he is 'lighter' due to relief or to guilt - he is not a bad bloke and has a real sense of responsibility which makes this even more confusing.

Re depression this is the conclusion that my mum and his mum have come to - he has certainly been very very down and even the counsellor commented on it several times. He is adamant is isn't depressed (there is family history and he gets annoyed when I make comparisons) but says he has been down because of us not getting on. Some friends etc have commented to me about him being down but not being aware of our situation. He has always had a dark side and we have history of splitting briefly about eight years ago and there are some similarities. He will not go to the doctor and given that he seems happier since he finally said it was over I assume this rules out that explanation- I don't know. He just can handle the emotional pressure of what is happening, neither can I obviously, but I'm a lot more resilient- usually! I agree it is absolutely desperate to split with a new baby- I am so ashamed.

Cherries- good idea re the friends, think that's the best way to play it. Feel a celebrity style PR managed press release coming on. It will be a massive shock for our friends and family. Although we have always chill anger each other we have gone through so much in our years together and always got over it. In all the talking we have done the stress of having two young DC hasn't arisen as an issue and he is certainly no experiencing any obvious stress from our new arrival who is a very chilled baby who sleeps and feeds well. I have had two difficult births but he didn't appear affected my those and I Have coped well too. He won't g back to counselling on his own ( his Mum suggested that today) as he feels he has talked enough and to be fair to him by his standards he has. It feels like it is all we have done for months.

Thank you for the responses. I should have said I've name changed as my usual is a little identifying but I am a regular and prolific lurker and occasional poster. Thank you- it really does help to each others perspectives.

Easternightmare Wed 03-Apr-13 00:23:56

Chill anger should be challenged!

minkembra Wed 03-Apr-13 00:33:53

Maybe once he has had some space and a chance to see what life is like without his family he will have a change of heart.
There may just be too much pressure when you are together just now.

And if you do think you need to modify your behaviour that is a journey you can continue for your own sake.

Whatever happens i wish you all the best. this must be a really tough time for you but time does heal a lot of things and with two little ones to keep you busy it kind of keeps you going too.

skyebluesapphire Wed 03-Apr-13 00:39:57

It does get easier but you have to be strong to get through it. It is a real roller coaster but you will get through it

tessa6 Wed 03-Apr-13 01:02:06

Would it help you to discover there had been an OW?

badinage Wed 03-Apr-13 02:25:16

To me, this sounds like a bloke who Thinks Far Too Much of Himself who's been having an affair, never wanted to take responsibility for it and so went through the motions of expensive but pointless counselling just to say to the world at large 'I tried everything' I bet that's what the counsellor thought too, but wasn't allowed to say it outright and so staged a diplomatic withdrawal.

I'm not saying he mightn't have been unhappy before his affair. Maybe he was, maybe he wasn't. Depending on how long it's been going on, he might have been creating arguments for a long time and this has left you with some guilt that you weren't being nice enough to him for a while. That happens a lot.

But IME, blokes with 10 week old babies who only got married 2 years ago really don't walk out suddenly unless they've got someone to go to. He's told you that he doesn't think you were neglecting the relationship and that's probably guilt talking. Maybe you'd better believe that bit and suspend belief that he's leaving to be on his own?

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 03-Apr-13 08:09:59

I agree with badinage.

This has all the hallmarks of a man who has OW - but in order to look like the nice guy and to ease his guilt, he has to make you look bad by bringing up faults and provoking petty arguments.

If things were really awful, why marry you a short while ago and have a baby with you? If you look back and remember when things were good that is probably just before he met OW.

I would focus on yourself and rebuilding your life.

Cherriesarelovely Wed 03-Apr-13 09:10:24

How are you feeling today badinage? I know you talked about feeling ashamed but I really don't think you need to feel like that. You have been very proactive in trying to sort things out and really magnanimous in admitting your own faults.

Cherriesarelovely Wed 03-Apr-13 09:10:58

Sorry, I mean eastern of course!

Easternightmare Wed 03-Apr-13 09:23:06

I think there is a definite sense of too much pressure (particularly with how I have handled this and continually making him talk about it, answer questions about How he Is feeling and wailing alot) and he needs space but from my pov buggering off to find yourself is not particularly helpful with two small kids and a lot to do - perhaps I'm not being very helpful there. Part of me thinks and hopes he will go and realise he's made a big mistake but I think it will have to be too late for me then as he will have devastated me and broken up our family and I don't know if I can recover from that. I know I have to give up, detach and focus on me but don't know how to. Why I am holding on to someone who blatantly states 'I don't want you' I don't know. I'm also aware of all the times I have been unhappy with him but its like don't want to think about those as that may make what he is doing ok and reasonable and justified and I can't accept that it is.

I think it would help to find out there was an other OW as it would confirm my suspicions and explain things. It would help it make sense. I've got no evidence of this other then changes in behaviour which he attributes to 'finally having had enough'. Throughout the last few months of my pregnancy I was convinced there was someone else and snooped loads - completely shameful I know. He knew I did this and was appalled with me - he is very private. I didn't find anything that indicated he might be having an affair an have asked him repeatedly, he denies it but I just don't know. Maybe I just don't want to see what us staring me in the face?

Bad and mad - there is definitely lots of guilt and I don't want to look like a bastard/ everyone is going to hate me type martyr/woe is me nonsense. It infuriates me, I get annoyed and then he uses my reaction/criticism of his martyr stance to confirm his view that I am critical and nasty to him. I think he is acutely aware of how bad his actions 'look' and I've said lot of times he is trying to justify his behaviour by exaggerating mine (which I acknowledge bad accept have been bad).

Thank you for replies. It is appreciated.

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 03-Apr-13 09:49:06

We always say on here to trust your instincts - sounds like these have been telling you that he is having an affair. How very cruel of him to make out its all your fault when it is likely it was him who has failed you by checking out of the marriage and cheating.

Easternightmare Wed 03-Apr-13 09:58:22

I'm ok thanks just the crazy fluctuating feelings. I need to try to get on with it really. I'm resentful that after being skint for years we have finally got on our feet financially and will now not benefit from that as will be shelling out for a rental place for him as well as a large mortgage. He is doing nothing about leaving - which is hard too as it is as if nothing has changed but obviously it has. Assume that is guilt too - I think he wants me to push him which mirrors what I have done throughout this in forcing him to admit that his feelings had changed. If I make him go he will be less the guilty party.

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 03-Apr-13 10:03:03

Get legal and financial advice before you do anything else:

surviveseparation.blogspot.co.uk/2012/12/separation-and-divorce-advice-and-links.html

perfectstorm Wed 03-Apr-13 10:07:47

I'm so sorry this is happening.

I must say that after seeing threads on MN over the years, I'm sure you know the script, and how similar a lot of what you're saying is to it. I'm also sure you know how rare it is for that gut instinct that there's an OW to be wrong. Withdrawal, not in love any more, finding fault in the marriage and in you that is so complete he sees no point in trying... it's a very well trodden path when a man wants to justify cheating and leaving the wife and kids, and tells himself it's not his doing and fault. I'm afraid I think he will "meet someone new" quite soon now and the line will be that they met after you and he decided to part. I hope I'm wrong, but I also think you may need to prepare yourself. I'm so sorry to say that.

Please don't blame yourself so much. The shift to parents is huge, and you will find that overwhelming. Everyone does. Nobody is perfect in any situation, least of all that one. It doesn't make you the bad guy at all - and being positive isn't a fault, either!

badinage Wed 03-Apr-13 13:16:04

I've posted on here before about a friend of mine who, on discovery of her husband's affair, wasn't overly surprised because they'd been having loads of rows and hadn't been getting on. The rows seemed to come out of nowhere and it was as though their usual methods of resolving a disagreement which had worked for 20-odd years, just didn't cut it any more.

You guessed it. These rows started after he'd embarked upon an affair and were entirely a product of that and not anything new in their own relationship. Up to that new little discovery, she'd been blaming herself and it was such a shock to have to look at the previous year and what has been going on and see it differently.

I have a feeling that this is what you'll end up doing - that is if you ever find out when your husband first started looking elsewhere (and assuming your memory is good).

badinage Wed 03-Apr-13 13:23:42

Oh - and another thing. I never realised this till mumsnet but when a bloke drops this sort of bombshell and doesn't seem to be in a hurry to move out, it usually means that the OW is married herself or is living with her parents and is waiting for him to get free first before she commits to anything herself.

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