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Have just completely over reacted to DH, what is wrong with me?

(100 Posts)
ThatsNotMySock Tue 02-Apr-13 15:00:40

Bit of background - have been feeling general low rumbling dissatisfaction with DH, nothing major just a combination of me being ill and not getting out of the house much and him being tired and choosing to sleep/be on computer rather than talk to me. Honestly nothing major, but I'm feeling quite tetchy and tending to blame myself for him not wanting to spend time with me in the evenings when it's probably just that he's tired.

Anyway, this morning he was on fb talking to someone (female) he worked with 2 years ago, she had friended him, was asking how he was, and asked his to sign a goodbye card for someone they used to work with who was quitting. So far so normal, right? This girl who's leaving, my DH never really said they were good friends but took her out to dinner without my knowledge when they were working together hmm

He also used to do overtime even after the shop should have been closed (most days actually). Said sometimes he was working, sometimes just smoking outside with "the boys". I was at home at the time with a very cranky sleep-rejecting baby and would have welcomed some support, but ended up feeling quite a lot of resentment.

Which I thought Id got over, but clearly not as when he mentioned about signing the leaving card I asked him if that wasn't a bit weird, seeming as he quit 2 years ago, claims to not have had much contact with her, didn't get on with her that well, so why were they chasing him up after 2 years? I told him I wondered if there was more going on, obviously they at least got on better than he said if 2 years has passed and people still think of him when she's leaving, plus a million other irrational lunatic things about what he might have been doing when he said he was working overtime (9am-11pm at least days)

He was understandably furious with me, I said far too much (and he said, and has said in the past, some pretty horrible things about me, one reason I feel a bit insecure I suppose), and I think I was quite irrational, but I know he's lied about things in the past so my heads all over the place. I will apologise to him when he gets home, but he said before he left he can't live with me because of what I said. Why did I get so crazy? Why couldn't I bottle it up?

Sorry for the long post.

"He thinks I'm asking him to change his personality, but all I'm asking is for him to stop insulting me"

He's decided it's not something he can change about himself & it's just how he is (that's bs by the way but this will be how he justifies it to himself).

You really are better off without thanks

ThatsNotMySock Tue 02-Apr-13 23:05:07

Thanks OrchardKeeper He really does make me feel like everyone talks to their partner like this, and I'm just making a big deal out of nothing. I don't know why I believed him, am I stupid?! angry

And yy to your 2nd post, that's exactly what he says. That's just the way he is, he can't change it, and if I don't like it I should go and marry some mug who's nice to me all the time. He actually says these things, and makes me feel like I'm in the wrong for being needy. God forbid he could show a bit of kindness instead. He must really hate me to not even be bothered.

ThatsNotMySock Tue 02-Apr-13 23:10:44

Btw, he would say he shows lots of kindness by helping out with housework and kids, and that is lovely of him. But if I try to bring up "You know when you said you didn't know why loved me? Were you just angry or did you mean it?" I'll either get told "dunno really" silence, grumped at for bringing up the same old things again and again, or sworn at/walked away from. I don't know, maybe me asking for reassurance is really that annoying. Common sense would dictate though, that if you reassure someone properly, they don't come crawling back to you with the same anxiety again and again.. hmm

AnyFucker Tue 02-Apr-13 23:16:04

You need to stop asking him for reassurance

Not because you have been wrong or "needy" to do so, but because he uses it as a weapon against you

You are giving him all the armoury to hurt you with, love

Detachment and indifference is what you are aiming for. He is never going to give you what you need.

AnyFucker Tue 02-Apr-13 23:18:15

Have you read "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? I highly recommend it, and you will find this man within the pages of that book.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 02-Apr-13 23:19:42

Apathy or indifference, it's soul destroying. Where does he get off, swearing at you? Anyone else cross his path in life he'd treat like this? No! He reserves that for you.

AnyFucker Tue 02-Apr-13 23:21:27

also Lundy Bancroft here

ThatsNotMySock Tue 02-Apr-13 23:27:34

AF Sorry, I meant to say thank you for the link you gave me. Very useful thanks

Actually, I have read the Patricia Evans book blush And yes, found him in there a little bit. It did help me to detach, I also have some some individual counselling to find strategies to help me detach or not get drawn in to fights and both have really helped. Unfortunately I found I detached to the point of contempt. Recently I've been trying to get closer again, and I think that's making me feel clingier. I know I can detach if I want to, but it makes me feel very distant from him. I can't seem to detach from the insults alone, although I suppose that's pretty hard.

I have also read "I Love You But I Don't Trust You" (good principles but no point asking him to work through it with me) and "Hold Me Tight" Bit cheesy but good, but he refused to try. (What a surprise.)

I do understand that I need to stop asking him for reassurance. It really is just giving him power, isn't it. Just feel pretty lonely/pissed off that it's come to this. Thanks for the advice x

AnyFucker Tue 02-Apr-13 23:31:26

Unfortunately I found I detached to the point of contempt.

This is where you and I part company. You see, I consider contempt for him to be a fortunate thing, the only sane response. smile

ThatsNotMySock Tue 02-Apr-13 23:33:32

Donkeys Lucky lucky me! He really should have worked that into the vows somehow, I was wearing flats, I could have legged it!! with all the champagne

AF Interestingly, I did print out the online resources linked to that book when he was going through a stage of wanting to change and stop being so angry with me. He asked me what he could do, and I had no idea but found those online and gave them to him. He did say a lot of it hit home, and said he would work through it but somewhat predictably he hasn't looked at them since. I will try the book for myself though, thanks smile

ThatsNotMySock Tue 02-Apr-13 23:37:53

X post! grin Maybe I'm not as daft as I think! grin

AnyFucker Tue 02-Apr-13 23:44:03

You certainly are not daft. Him ? He's learned only one way to interact with someone he professes to love.

It's not going to give him the chance of long term happiness

You, on the other hand....

ThatsNotMySock Wed 03-Apr-13 11:57:43

Oh fgs. This morning he has been quiet but looking guilty, no apology but both trying to make conversation normally in front of the DCs. He's even just asked what I want him to get me for my birthday hmm

My brain really really hurts! What is going on with him?

Lueji Wed 03-Apr-13 12:42:10

A divorce? wink

deliasmithy Wed 03-Apr-13 12:51:10

Op - bottling up does not work. Think of a coke bottle explexploding when pressure gets too much.

If you dont verbalise these increasing feelings of insecurity and resentment, and understand where they come from, his and your frustration will likely increase and drive a wedge between you.

Id recommend counselling together. It sounds like you both need support to communicate with each other.

deliasmithy Wed 03-Apr-13 13:02:38

Ok and reading the other posts your wrote,
If he is cycling between making threats to leave and back tracking id say it sounds like he cannot see how to resolve the situation. He does not have any more skills to handle your behaviour - youve described someone who does not appear to have much emotional iq.

Pure conjecture, but I'll go further and state that as he does not understand your behaviour he's beginning to focus on the negative s of the relationship hence why he is questioning it's value.

The other issues here purely on what you describe are that he is either perceiving your desire to talk about your feelings as blame, or you are actually blaming his behaviour. Either way he is not up for listening to this. You are then growing in frustration. Another negative cycle.

You need support together if u both want this to improve.

ThatsNotMySock Wed 03-Apr-13 13:09:06

Ha Lueji It's either that or a nice new husband, one of those wimpy ones that is emotionally supportive? grin

delia I think the wedge is already there. I tried asking him to counselling, but he said he didn't think it would help him, so I ended up going on my own. I've read a ton of relationship help books and tried to discuss them with him, and he'll play along for a while then admit he thinks it's all bull. And discussing my feelings always seem to lead to a row, so I don't know what more I can do. (I do completely agree with you though!)

He often says that he loves it when I'm happy, but when I bring up these feelings he hates it, can't cope with that kind of relationship, hasn't got the capacity to support me. Which is kind of shit, because he needs a lot of support from me which I happily give him (well gave him. I have been holding back lately because it feels so unfair.) Feels a bit like emotional blackmail - I love you when you're happy and smiley, but if you want to have a serious talk, or discuss something that's hurt you then I hate you and I can't cope and you're an irritating bitch hmm

garlicballs Wed 03-Apr-13 13:11:41

Oh, you poor thing! You do not suck and it's not even a little bit surprising you feel insecure. You're basically hanging in there on the dim hope that a partner who doesn't love you will suddenly begin sad

Tbh, there's no excuse for the way he acts towards you. Not loving a person doesn't compel you to treat them so shabbily. I have to disagree with Delia; threatening divorce every couple of months isn't the last resort of a person lacking eq. It's the action of a bully who desires his wife's insecurity.

Please listen to the wise women here smile You deserve respect!

ThatsNotMySock Wed 03-Apr-13 13:14:02

X post delia
Very wise words! I think that's exactly how he sees it.
When i talk to him (apart from yesterday) I always try not to blame him, to try and talk about it gently. If I went in all guns blazing I could understand his reaction, but I'm really not. If he then says something horrible and I cry, he looks at me like I disgust him. He really doesn't care if I'm hurt.

I would imagine though that he blames himself so instantly puts his defenses up and everything I say sound like criticism. But I don't know how to get him to get over that, and actually hear what I'm saying. And I don't know how much longer I can take the insults really sad

garlicballs Wed 03-Apr-13 13:16:26

he looks at me like I disgust him shock

AnyFucker Wed 03-Apr-13 13:20:14

Why keep trying ? Really ?

I think you have exhausted all avenues except the obvious one.

And that is for him to meet you halfway, for more than a token few days

Which leads to the obvious next step

Put up and shut up, or end it

I know which one I would choose

ThatsNotMySock Wed 03-Apr-13 13:22:08

Aand x posted with garlic too! smile

Hmm. I wonder which one it is. He seems to think saying that it's over is the only way to defuse the row/shock me into silence. He can't understand why I then get upset.

(And yes, he glares, he rolls his eyes, he sneers at me when I cry, he looks at me like he hates me and asks me who the hell do I think I am.. that's not normal even when you're angry, is it?)

I just feel all over the place. Yesterday I felt strong, now I'm wondering what to do, why is he being nice again if he hates me, or did he just say that to hurt me? Is it me causing his anger? Am I just a really irritating person to be with?

I joked on our wedding day that I wanted to marry the cake (it as amazing.) I should have married the fucking cake sad

garlicballs Wed 03-Apr-13 13:34:55

he glares, he rolls his eyes, he sneers at me when I cry, he looks at me like he hates me and asks me who the hell do I think I am.. that's not normal even when you're angry, is it?

It's only normal in people who are trying to intimidate others. When someone acts like this, their target usually has a go back because it is so deeply insulting. Bullies do it to those they perceive as weaker than them - often women & children - so they get to intimidate them without the bother of a fight.

He's making sure you know he finds your humanity despicable. Make of that what you will.

flutterbynight Wed 03-Apr-13 13:42:43

Just wanted to say OP, the responsibility for his anger lies with him and him alone.

Only you can decide what your next step will be but I think you need to ask yourself whether you really want to continue in this cycle - your H doesn't seem like he's going to change any time soon so if you want things to be different it's going to have to come from you (and by this I mean getting out, not putting up).

Good luck whatever you decide.

deliasmithy Wed 03-Apr-13 13:43:48

If he and you feel you are heading to the point of destruction, then what on earth has he got against counselling for one final hurrah?

Youve both got a negative cycle going on here. He is attacking you, as he perceives being attacked. Pretty infantile behaviour but where a lit of people retreat to.

May I suggest the following:
Dont mention any of whats happened. Try and act cool, give both of you some time out from the emotional stuff.
Then say to him after a day or two that you want to schedule in a chat. Ask when he'd be prepared to talk openly. Dont arrange it for when your tired. Etc. Also agree a max. Length of discussion. Half an hour maybe. Some people like warning as they feel less defensive.

During the chat don't harp on or mention specifics. That will cause an argument. Instead anglevthe chat around the fact you both agree the situation is not making either of you happy. Then its a discussion of if there is a solution do you both want to fix it? If yes how can you fix it together. Now he sounds like he thinks its hopeless and there is no solution. This is where you need to get tactical and sell the counselling as a solution to your own issues. Not his. Say you have realised that you are not communicating to him in a healthy way. Say youve realised your behaviour is affecting you both, you don't like it either. If you went to joint counselling together you feel strongly it would help you understand him better and would help everything.

He cant get defensive if you say this. You may think this sounds too much but youve got here a man who feels trapped in a corner. Give him some air. If he takes the bait then of course joint counselling will explore both sides eventually but you just need to get him through the door.

Id also agree sone rules.
No arguing or emotional discussions outside an agreed a brief daily or weekly slot. Outside the time slot dont mention anything negative. In return he needs to agree to be open to listening.

Things never work if we say to ourselves 'one more thing is the final straw'. Because you will both continue to upset each other as this takes a while. You have to agree to wipe each others slate clean, and be tolerant. Id sell this as a "look, let's both agree to give this another shot".Agree to review progress in 2 or 3 months.

Nothing will change unless something changes.

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