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trapped in an ea relationship..no way out..

(95 Posts)
olivia42 Tue 02-Apr-13 08:33:44

this is my first post.ive been reading other posts and getting strength from them.i dont have anyone to talk to ill try not to be too long winded
im on my 2nd marriage dh,10years together 3 years married.i have 3 children 1 last one his.he is on his 2nd marriage too has ds from 1st marriage.he was a
always difficult,realised after a few years of being completely in the dark about this type of behaviour that i was being completely controlled by him.
if i went out on my own silence for days if i disagreed with him in any way told i was not normal and mentallly unwell.got pregnant 4 years ago had child.dh told me he didnt want it(we wernt married at the time and not living together) if i didnt have an abortion he would leave me whch he did for a short time. i refused and he eventually came back.(he offered to pay half for the abortion by the way once i didnt go in on a wednesday which is his access day for his ds from 1st marriage)..
he did up his own house and we moved in there away fom my house and family. the abuse escalated,days of silent treatment telling me i was no use to him i was weak and a moron.the first day out of hospital after coming home from hospital after ceasaian section to give birth to our ds,he left me with 4 kids (including his my step son)and told me to get on with it.he moved into the spare room and stayed there,i left after 3months with my 3 kids.he persuaded me to come back which i did for another year of torture when vieventually i got a barring order against him(the day before our marriage he beat me round the house in front of the kids).
but im back again the twat i am.he just worked on me day and night telling me our future was with him and id ruined thekids future by leaving.of course now im back its worse.im 'mental',a nut job, a weirdo, an unfit mother , and a cun.constantly,i found a will that he has made a month ago leaving all to his 2 kids and leaving me £100!
i used to run a home an au pair have a good job well educated lots of freinds and family support before i met him.i have none of this now.family and freinds hate him so no support there.i also manged my finances ok.i now have £14 in my purse to last 10 days.he has £140 k in his bank account alone according to a bank staement i found..sorry i could go on forever..v long winded...theres so much..im simply trapped here and wondering how do i put in the next 10 years till the kids have left and i can go...

cjel Fri 05-Apr-13 21:04:10

The worry you have about other people is wrong as well. They are living in their own happy worlds and the amount of time they will spend thinking of your marriage is miniscule. It is a big problem to you but it really won't be a burden to anyone else. The will want to support love and care for you.

SanctiMOMious Fri 05-Apr-13 20:58:27

ps2, i think it's also common to seek his approval. you want him to understand why you have to leave, so that he won't judge you for leaving. but that won't happen! he's never going to give his slave his blessing to consider herself worth more! so don't seek his understanding or his approval or his blessing to end the relationship. he'll never understand or admit that he's treated you so badly you had no choice. NEVER. my x said to my mother recently that he still can't understand why i broke up a family! they never get it.

you just have to leave knowing that he will think all sorts of stupid mean ridiculous things. But that spectre (the what HE thinks spectre, if that's the right word) becomes smaller and weaker the further you are away from him and the longer you're away.

Chubfuddler Fri 05-Apr-13 20:53:35

God yes leave first. I did. I went to work, doubled back, nabbed my son from school and daughter from cm and pitched up on my mother's doorstep. I was lucky to have her but I'd have pitched up at the refuge if not.

SanctiMOMious Fri 05-Apr-13 20:51:14

ps, and because I do understand, I'm going to keep going here! smile

Even if he were a nice guy and obviously he's not, you'd still be entitled to leave him. I'm sure he will subject you to his own brand of court case where he's the cross-examining barrister, undermining your reasons for wanting to leave him.

So, don't say I want to leave you because you show me no respect he'll just say, oh you're so sensitive

whatever reason you give for leaving he will discredit your reaction to that. So it's pointless. Just stick to 'I' statements
.

I want to leave you. I don't want this relationship. I don't love you. I am happier away from you.

I know our instinct is to sugar coat that. But it's important that you don't try to sugarcoat it because these blunt harsh statements are the only ones that can't be argued with and can't be discredited.

I would leave FIRST though, get yourself to safety and then tell him that you don't want the relationship any more, you don't love him, it's over and he can consider himself single now.

No matter what he tells people, just hold on to this most people will understand that you have the right to leave a relationship that made you unhappy. Nobody else will judge you for leaving him. Most people will just shrug. Nobody else is going to think you are an evil lazy wicked hysterical chaotic fool for leaving him.

cjel Fri 05-Apr-13 20:47:59

I honestly understand. Been there done that got the t shirt.You are not special or unique nor is your DH, Pease don't kid yourself you are. You are also deluded that yourDCs will be alright and don't know what is going on. Don't make excuses, Reach out and get the help you should have. You are not beyond help, unlovable, mental or any of the things you think you are,your phsyc, may have told you how bad he is but profesionals all over the country would say that about clients other halves. YOur problem is so easy to fix Hes just brainwashed you to believe it isnt.

SanctiMOMious Fri 05-Apr-13 20:44:17

I understand!!!

I remember posting a few bits to my parents' house. I knew I would have to leave with just a handbag and the buggy. I knew there was no way I could pack. But he sensed something was up. I posted one change of clotehs and documents to my parents' house. unfortunately, he figured out what was going on and askedme if was coming back. stupidly stupidly stupidly i felt like i owed him the truth. I owed him jack shit. I said 'no'. He attacked me and knocked me to the floor. I hurt my eye and my neck and a few other bits ached and twinged but it all happened so quickly i couldn't tell what had hit what or why it hurt. He tore a clump out of my hair too. Luckily though, after that, he was calmer because that was an excellent way for him to let off steam. I left with a handbag and the children.

olivia I swear for at least two years, every night I'd get into bed and just feel grateful that he wasn't in it. LIke, every night I felt amazement and gratitude that I had taken that path in life, the one without him in it, because I could still sense the horror of being in the alternate parallel universe, the one where i hadn't left him.

the thing about leaving a psycho nut job is that they can do you a lot more harm when you live under their roof. get out from under their roof and they're thwarted in their attempts to abuse and control you from then on.

AnyFucker Fri 05-Apr-13 20:31:17

olivia, some people do understand, really they do

izzyizin Fri 05-Apr-13 20:28:37

you have no idea of the controlling psycopathic nut job im dealing with

You made the choice to visit him on your dc 'deal' with him and you can equally make the choice to not 'deal' with him.

Snazzynewyear Fri 05-Apr-13 20:28:32

Yes, many more people than you'd think would understand that someone can seem charming and pleasant in public but is an absolute horror to live with. Really, people will get it - not that it matters whether they do or not. Leave and get started on a better life.

Chubfuddler Fri 05-Apr-13 20:20:32

Olivia trust me we do know. Some of us know only too well. You can leave. Honestly you can. You don't need an arsenal of professionals to convince anyone.

olivia42 Fri 05-Apr-13 20:17:08

maid marion you have no idea.i used to be social hard working happy with my lot.my xh was usless as a father but never aggressive or abusive we just grew apart.i have no animosity towards him.he is appalled by whats happening to us.his brand of abuse is calculated htough he tells me im fantastic when im doing what he thinks is right .if i bring up something he doesnt like or broacha subject he wont like he tells me im crazy that he is a sound steady guy and i am menta.i was under a psych 2 years ago who told me catagorically i was with an ea and my problems would never end as long as i was with him.she offered to go to court for me.a consultant who doesnt do that in fl cases as she would always be in court but felt so strongly about this that she would take the day off to do this.and i still went back.you have no idea of the controlling psycopathic nut job im dealing with.the most charming man youd ever meet in public.the day in court the barring order was heard he sat there reading a library book and organised a night out loudly on the phone.....

izzyizin Fri 05-Apr-13 20:10:36

this poor child is 9 and is afraid to open his mouth here in case he lets something out

By staying you are effectively being complicit in the emotional abuse of his ds as well as your dc.

Don't leave it too long to get your act together... in fact, why don't you simply pack up and go to a refuge while he's out tonight?

Chubfuddler Fri 05-Apr-13 20:09:19

What steps do you need to complete?

Seriously, there are like to haves and need to haves. The needs are very very few. I left with what I could bundle into the back of a very small fiat. OK he did turn remarkably reasonable later and I now have 1/2 our furniture and for the time being maintenance coming in. We will see how long that lasts.

So what needs to be done op? What's on your list and how long will it take?

olivia42 Fri 05-Apr-13 20:01:58

chubfuddler know you are right and i know this is never going to last.he is ignoring my ds x2 the last 2 weeks they get father of the year from him once im being the dutiful wife.my sil has just rang to tell me he has gone out with my bil and my ss to dinner i was told he was working.we are being ostracised at the moment because im not playing ball.he has told his ds my dss not to tell me what they are doing when they are not with me.this poor child is 9 and is afraid to open his mouth here in case he lets something out.his ex wife compounds this.they are now freinds since the last time i left,she never got over the fact that he left her and is delighted they are now amicable after ten years of hating eachother,their common bond anililating me the last time i left him.im going mn its just a matter of time..

OP, You deserve to be happy and live in peace with your children. Your H sounds like a right evil bastard. My XP was just like him, iv lost count of the times iv been called a cunt. It cut me like a knife every time. I felt humiliated and disgusted with him.
He used to control what I wore and check how many miles id driven in the car. He was violent towards me, while pregnant too, but what destroyed me most was the mind games.
You can break free OP there are ladies (and gents) on here that feel your pain and understand because they have been here.
I left XP the day he threatened to throw boiling water over me. Iv not shed a tear. He is a pathetic inadequate piece of work.
Please start making your exit plan, you know its for the best.
How the fuck dare he grind you down to this level, the utter bastard.
I bet you are really hard working, intelligent and attractive.
He has conditioned you to question yourself sad angry

AnyFucker Fri 05-Apr-13 19:54:35

Indeed, chub

A more unwieldy but accurate title for that book should be "He does that, but it doesn't matter why, all I know is it's not acceptable"

Chubfuddler Fri 05-Apr-13 19:05:39

So you made a mistake. You did they women are conditioned to go, you tried to see the best in him, you believed him, you forgave him. That he turned and shat all over your kindness, love and empathy says far far more about him than you. It was a noble mistake you made, and an understandable one.

For the love of god, don't compound that mistake every day for the rest of your life by staying. Admit your error. Tell the people who helped you before "I was wrong. I am satisfied that I have done everything and more that anyone could ever have expected me to do to make this marriage work. It cannot work. He is broken and it is not my job to fix him".

Tell yourself that too, now. I am told the "why does he do that?" book is great but I feel it's title is unhelpful. It doesnt matter why he does that, whatever that is in the case of your particular brand of cunt. Trying to understand men like this is a headfuck that keeps you trapped.

izzyizin Fri 05-Apr-13 18:26:48

im not sure if i am ready this has been going on so long im not sure ill ever be

Unless you take affirmative action to stop the rot and get out of the rut of ordering your life/your responses to suit him, you never will be ready.

Every day you delay is another day your dc are edging closer to despising you for subjecting them and yourself to the vagaries of an abusive twunt who doesn't give a fuck about anything or anyone except himself.

cjel Fri 05-Apr-13 17:50:19

Your dcs have massive upheavel every time they have to hear and watch how you are treated. You are living in fear in an adult mind they are tiny trying to not live in fear. I don't want to make you feel bad but you are not doing the best for them They deserve an upheavel that will keep them safe.
Money is a silly reason to stay. He is not telling you the truth. Good solicitors will soon get you money. You are not listening but please understand that you are wrong. You are not the only person to have lived like this. He is not the only man to have twisted the truth. Believe those of us that have been there - Yes EXACTLY where you are now. Life on the other side is good safe and happy. Please get help in real life.

mistlethrush Fri 05-Apr-13 17:28:35

Have you still got the bruises? If so, go to the police.

You can leave again - you've done it twice before - the only thing is that this time you'll just have to stay away and have a nice life with your lovely children.

olivia42 Fri 05-Apr-13 17:11:51

im not sure if i am ready this has been going on so long im not sure ill ever be.the upheaval is massive for the kids and i have absolutley no money whatsoever.i do know though at this stage im past trying to chane him and make him see my pov because i know he just wont and cant,he so firmly believed hes in the right and its my problem.i have started trying to put a couple of pound away.its only pittance but at least its a start.hes very cool with me lascouple of days because hes has his rant and he thinks the argueing is over becuase he says so and is contrary because im not rowing in and basically sleeping with him again.in the past i would of given in i just cant do it anymore.its hard to feel attractive when your told your a fat c**t and he doesnt care about me anymore..im just supposed to forget about that immediatly and move on.its difficult to keep doing that

SanctiMOMious Fri 05-Apr-13 10:41:52

Olivia, the time I left I was hoping to change him, hoping to make him SEE, hoping ....god knows what. But by the time I left for good, I knew it was hopeless, I'd no optimism left, so the second time I left physically, it was in reality the first REAL 'leaving'. you have to be ready. Now you're ready.

MadBraLady Thu 04-Apr-13 21:34:00

i left before twice and i cant see how its an option again.

On the contrary, it is your only option. You're going through a cycle - read back and see how yesterday you were getting clearer in your mind with each post, and today you're back to being fearful of behaving wrongly, prompting some terrible reaction from him? You're still a lot more aware, mind, because you're questioning things he says, but you need to get away from this dangerous arsehole.

This is your life until you pick up the phone and ask for help. This is your way OUT of the anxiety and social embarrassment that is stopping you making the call.

Pleasehelpdontknowwhattodo Thu 04-Apr-13 20:18:11

Please call women's aid Olivia - it's good he's out if the house - use this thread to write everything you can think of so you can show it to a solicitor.

Use the support you have - no one judges you and no one thinks its you at all. Sending you love and strength right now.

cjel Thu 04-Apr-13 20:11:04

ooh izzy! Was thinking that but don't want to scare OP off!! well done.
Be really strong and just make a call and see what they say, you don't have to do what they say?

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