Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

trapped in an ea relationship..no way out..

(95 Posts)
olivia42 Tue 02-Apr-13 08:33:44

this is my first post.ive been reading other posts and getting strength from them.i dont have anyone to talk to ill try not to be too long winded
im on my 2nd marriage dh,10years together 3 years married.i have 3 children 1 last one his.he is on his 2nd marriage too has ds from 1st marriage.he was a
always difficult,realised after a few years of being completely in the dark about this type of behaviour that i was being completely controlled by him.
if i went out on my own silence for days if i disagreed with him in any way told i was not normal and mentallly unwell.got pregnant 4 years ago had child.dh told me he didnt want it(we wernt married at the time and not living together) if i didnt have an abortion he would leave me whch he did for a short time. i refused and he eventually came back.(he offered to pay half for the abortion by the way once i didnt go in on a wednesday which is his access day for his ds from 1st marriage)..
he did up his own house and we moved in there away fom my house and family. the abuse escalated,days of silent treatment telling me i was no use to him i was weak and a moron.the first day out of hospital after coming home from hospital after ceasaian section to give birth to our ds,he left me with 4 kids (including his my step son)and told me to get on with it.he moved into the spare room and stayed there,i left after 3months with my 3 kids.he persuaded me to come back which i did for another year of torture when vieventually i got a barring order against him(the day before our marriage he beat me round the house in front of the kids).
but im back again the twat i am.he just worked on me day and night telling me our future was with him and id ruined thekids future by leaving.of course now im back its worse.im 'mental',a nut job, a weirdo, an unfit mother , and a cun.constantly,i found a will that he has made a month ago leaving all to his 2 kids and leaving me £100!
i used to run a home an au pair have a good job well educated lots of freinds and family support before i met him.i have none of this now.family and freinds hate him so no support there.i also manged my finances ok.i now have £14 in my purse to last 10 days.he has £140 k in his bank account alone according to a bank staement i found..sorry i could go on forever..v long winded...theres so much..im simply trapped here and wondering how do i put in the next 10 years till the kids have left and i can go...

olivia42 Tue 02-Apr-13 08:36:10

sorry about typos and sounding all over the place just terrified he'll come in and catch me

fusspot66 Tue 02-Apr-13 08:45:14

I'll hold your hand till wiser people than.me come along to advise, but you really are not trapped. You could ring Woman's Aid. This man has deliberately worn you down. This is not your fault!

fusspot66 Tue 02-Apr-13 08:47:37

P.s beatings are physical abuse and even emotional abuse is recognised as domestic violence re legal aid entitlementand financial abuse too

Willow36 Tue 02-Apr-13 08:49:05

You're not trapped. No one is ever trapped.

Contact Womans Aid. If your friends and family hate him then of course they'll be there to support you. It's hard to ask for the support, but it's going to be even harder to stay with this man.

You've left before, you can leave again but this time don't go back. You can do it. He's a cunt, you know this. Your children will be so much better off away from him too.

xxx

fusspot66 Tue 02-Apr-13 08:49:10

My posts a bit messy. On phone too . But i sense your panic. Keep calm. You've reached out for help and it's on its way.

You are not trapped.

You can get out of this, and you will too.

You have left him before, so you know you can do it, you just need to leave and not come back.

Call Women's Aid.

Your kids don't need him in their life. You can be strong again.

It will be alright once you leave him.

It's time for you to leave again.

Maybe this time we can stop you going back and get some of that 140k. If you do decide or feel able to leave make sure you take his bank statements with you.

fusspot66 Tue 02-Apr-13 09:03:31

0808 2000 247
This is the number for Woman's Aid.

olivia42 Tue 02-Apr-13 09:05:29

i dont have any money ive moved my kids out of school twice with the coming and going they like living here in the town we are in.he is all sweetness and light and i can have everything i want once i toe the line and behave in a way that he thinks is appropriate to him.i am now the typeof person who checks his emails and goes around the house looking for stuff to find out what hes at.hes so secretive about everything and lies to me constantly.when i challenge him on this he tells me im a nut job and that im depressed and mentally unwell that im an unfit mother.yesterday he went off the wall cause he found a bank statement i had oened for him( i did open it to my shame)
he told me i was a cunt repaetedly a fat cunt(im actually not overweight) and i was badly bred by my cunt of a mother who he hates the feelings mutual.he just kept shouting weak cunt over and over again.
i know i sound very negative but i feel ive made my bed and i have to lie on it.i came back after a court case to get rid of him and i thnk ive exhausted my support network.
i keep thinking i can do this if i just keep my head down and go with the flow.he thinks there is nothing wrong with us its my fault for complaining and being in and out of depression.if i pulled myself together all would be ok..

olivia42 Tue 02-Apr-13 09:14:57

have to go hes back thanks for the messages its nice to know someone out there doesnt think im imagining all this be back later

TheSilveryPussycat Tue 02-Apr-13 09:16:06

The depression is down to living with him. I was depressed, even had bi-polar diagnosis. My depression lifted the day my solicitor sent off the divorce petition. (OK twas replaced by stress, but that is different).

It went so completely that my psych discharged me and told me I actually looked happy.

I didn't even realise my Ex was emotionally, verbally and financially abusive till I started reading MN. I kept my head down and went with the flow, for the last 2 decades of my marriage. I hate to think of others doing the same sad

Have a look on the EA thread where you will find much support and understanding, from people who understand that so often it is not so straightforward to just 'LTB'

HollaAtMeBaby Tue 02-Apr-13 09:21:04

Can your mum help you leave? Please call women's aid. sad

Mosschops30 Tue 02-Apr-13 09:22:14

Please please please call women's aid, they can put you all somewhere safe.
Do you want your children to grow up and think this behaviour is normal? Do you want their relationships to be like this?

Please get out xx

fusspot66 Tue 02-Apr-13 09:27:30

I doubt your support network is exhausted. He has convinced you that you are worthless but he is wrong. Strangers on mumsnet care about you. How dare he treat you like that. He is a c**t. I can't bring myself to write the word. But you know what he is!

Mosschops30 Tue 02-Apr-13 09:39:26

I'll write it for you fuss

HE IS A CUNT!!!!!!

You are not, you are a strong woman and he knows this which is why he's beating you down. He knows you are worth so much more

Spiritedwolf Tue 02-Apr-13 09:43:04

You have been so ground down by him its not surprising that you have it backwards:

You don't need to stay with him for the children.

For the children you need to get the support you need to leave as soon as you can.

You haven't "made your bed" you've already spent too many of your precious years with this abusive man, no need yo sentence yourself to another ten in his prison.

You and your children deserve better. Please calll womens aid and tell them what you've told us. It is possible to leave for goood and they can help.

Your children will be more damaged by staying another ten years than by the distruption of getting out. This isnt a normal happpy childhood. They will see his behaviour as normal and will either inflict it upon others or accept it from others. You want better for them.

Definately try and get a photocopy of that bank statement for when you divorce, though dont put yourself at risk.

olivia42 Tue 02-Apr-13 17:44:34

thanks for the messages.
i dont think i have the strength at the moment to go.
he came back today asked me did i want a cup of tea and was there anything wrong at the moment!!its like it never happened,
he told me i was in a deep hole and it was my fault i wasnt pulling my weight and that i coudnt cope with anything.
i still work 2 days a week and have just been offered a promotion.im in the middle of a masters programme and have organised a play date for my children tommorow.surely if i was depredded i wouldnt be able to do this.i can cope with all areas in my life exccept him his horrible family and his even more horrible interfereing ex wife..sorry for rambling i just need to get this off my chest,,i cant talk to anyone because it would be admitting they were right and i did make a mistake going back..

olivia42 Tue 02-Apr-13 17:45:23

sorry im mean depressed not depredded!typo

olivia42 Tue 02-Apr-13 17:46:51

i also feel that if i go he will torture me for the rest of my life and poison my ds against me.he has told me he would do that

MadBraLady Tue 02-Apr-13 18:00:09

i still work 2 days a week and have just been offered a promotion.im in the middle of a masters programme and have organised a play date for my children tommorow.surely if i was depredded i wouldnt be able to do this

You're absolutely right. Don't believe the "weak" image he's laughably trying to foist on you. I don't know how you're holding up under his abuse, but you are, and that is really impressive.

You don't have to go from sitting here typing now to divorcing by tomorrow breakfast time. smile You can take one step at a time, as much as you can cope with and no more.

Don't worry about his bullshit regarding your DS either. Your DS is not a toy to be played with (though that's probably how your husband sees him). He will most likely do what any normal child would do - stick close to the healthy, caring parent who isn't a controlling abuser.

MadBraLady Tue 02-Apr-13 18:04:23

And yes, you're going to have to admit to people that you made a mistake, I'm afraid. But it's the price of freedom from him, and isn't it worth it?

Anyway, if you were my daughter/sister/friend in that situation I wouldn't care about getting you to admit I was right, I'd be falling over myself to help you.

baskingseals Tue 02-Apr-13 18:20:59

olivia - please stop blaming yourself. he is doing this, not you.
you are fine and lovely. is there anybody you can talk to in real life? is your Mum a support?

you will find a way through this.
xx

olivia42 Tue 02-Apr-13 18:24:38

you know i know what hes doing and i cant seem to do anything about it anymore.i have no self confidence or self esteem.i feel i cant have a conversation with someone who knows us because i think they see a moron in front of them especially when hes there because i know hes watching and listening to me and im afraid ill say something wrong,that ill let myself down so i end up saying nothing and looking like a moron im sure.
he tells me constantly that hes building my self confidence that i look great if only i toned up a bit more,that even though im doing well at work that its not really relevent considering the 'pin money' im earning.this pays for food kids etc.when i told him i was doing a masters after listening to telling me for years that i was not 'utilising my brain' he said maybe thats not wise as i mightnt be able to keep up with the housework/kids/ and the unspoken thing 'his needs first'.Jesus i cant believe im writing this.i used to be independant outgoing relaxed. i have savage anxiety all the time made worse i know by half a sleeping tab at night or a couple of glasses of wine..i know not a good idea and a poor coping mechanism..im giving myself advice now!
im not allowed to drink so im hiding bottles in the house and feel like a total alcho even though i would never meet the unit limit in a week..what is wrong with me???

baskingseals Tue 02-Apr-13 18:29:10

olivia find that voice inside yourself. don't listen to him. put your fingers in your ears. i have done that before now.

find YOUR voice. you have a right to be the person you are. to feel what you feel. it is okay to be you.

deep breaths.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now