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Mum not coming to my wedding

(87 Posts)
Spottytin Mon 01-Apr-13 15:54:55

I'm getting married in four days time. My mother has just phoned to tell me it is too cold and therefore she won't be coming!

She suffers from rheumatoid arthritis, not a pleasant illness but she does have medication to keep it under control. She said she needs to think of herself, and the cold can make her symptoms worse, so she won't be coming.

We have an awkward relationship,, certainly on my side, and she has been pretty lacking at times as a parent. She had mental health issues as I was growing up and they're not all resolved now. I was almost expecting this, but still feel upset. It's only a small registry office wedding, but she's the only family I have!

Not even sure why I'm posting, just looking for some understanding I think.

LemonBreeland Tue 09-Apr-13 21:45:12

Congratulations I'm so pleased you had a happy relaxed day.

Alwayscheerful Tue 09-Apr-13 17:15:48

Sorry wrong thread.

Kiriwawa Tue 09-Apr-13 16:36:05

Congratulations - so glad you enjoyed it smile

alwayscheerful wrong thread?

So glad you had a happy day!

izzyizin Tue 09-Apr-13 11:53:42

Many congratulations thanks to both of you, Spotty, and here's wine to a long and happy life together.

Enjoy your honeymoon and when you next talk to your dm I suggest you adopt IB's suggestion and don't mention the war your blissful wedding day grin

Flossiechops Tue 09-Apr-13 11:27:08

Just read the whole thread. Huge congratulations op thanks I think you did exactly the right thing tbh

SirBoobAlot Tue 09-Apr-13 11:00:24

Glad you still had a good day, congratulations flowers

Angelico Tue 09-Apr-13 10:57:44

Congrats OP and enjoy your days away smile thanks

Hopasholic Tue 09-Apr-13 10:48:23

Congratulations flowers

I am quite surprised though that she stayed under her martyr cloak and didn't turn up!

You will have sent her a very clear message about what and who your priorities are. Well done!

Spottytin Tue 09-Apr-13 10:36:56

Ha ha the cake looked very nice, quite restrained decoration wise, although I didn't eat any of it, I don't particularly like cake. And I was too busy drinking wine chatting with people to eat.

It went down well with other guests though, my littlest DD had it for breakfast on the Saturday!

Alwayscheerful Tue 09-Apr-13 10:19:49

My Mother cooked a roast dinner on a Sunday every week of my entire childhood. In fact come to think of it she has cooked one every sunday of her entire adult life. The sunday roast completely dominated Sundays.

I enjoy cooking Sunday lunch occasionally and think it is more appreciated when served occasionally, we all eat each too much and take food too much for granted. Children can be just as happy with Beans on toast, spaghetti bolognese or sandwiches with granary bread and a few crisps.

You sound like a lovely stepmum, the children will remember being happy and cared for more than any thing else. You are doing a great job.

lucysnowe Tue 09-Apr-13 10:13:58

Aw, just seen this. Just wanted to say, my mum has RA as well and is a recluse, and hasn't been to either of my children's Christenings or birthdays or anything, so I do really sympathise. I'm so glad you had a good day!

DontmindifIdo Tue 09-Apr-13 10:11:34

Yay! It was round my wedding that I suddenly realised it didn't matter if my mum was happy or not. It does sound like you had a better time without her.

I actually wouldn't phone just yet, if you can, post her a selection of wedding photos. She chose to miss her own DD's wedding, let her see you having a fantastic time with her being left out.

Alwayscheerful Tue 09-Apr-13 10:07:17

Congratulations, so pleased you all enjoyed our day, how was the cake?

YEY for your lovely lovely day!!!! Congratulations.

BerylStreep Tue 09-Apr-13 10:03:28

Glad you had a great day!

ImperialBlether Tue 09-Apr-13 09:59:47

I think I just wouldn't mention the wedding when you call. "How are you? Everything OK?" that sort of thing.

ImperialBlether Tue 09-Apr-13 09:58:19

I'm glad you had a lovely day - congratulations! I do think you had a better day than you would have with your mum around and you're lucky she's the one who said she wouldn't come, rather than you having to tell her not to come.

Have a lovely honeymoon - hope it's somewhere warm.

Spottytin Tue 09-Apr-13 09:54:21

Well everyone I thought I would come back to let you all know we had a wonderful day, the sun shone (although it was still freezing!), the reception was great and all my dear friends made such an effort for us. Everyone got drunk and had a good old knees up at the evening party and I have some lovely memories.

And those of you who suggested it was better if my mother wasn't there were right, wow what a joy having a day all about me!

Back to reality now, have heard nothing from her since, no call, no card. Am off for a few days away today so will worry about how to tackle contact when we return.

Thank you for all your good wishes!

Hi Op. It sounds, from what you have said about her, as though it is actually going to be a BONUS, her not coming to the wedding! You can then be really free to enjoy the day.

I would just say 'oh dear that is a shame, but you must do what feels best for you.' and then be glad that it is her own fault she isn't there and not yours. At the moment she is selfishly creating a drama four days before the run up to your wedding. I would give her as little attention as possible over this.

Good you have friends to pick up the cake, but if that doesn't work out, it is only a cake and your wedding will still be lovely without it.

CONGRATULATIONS!

NewPatchesForOld Thu 04-Apr-13 14:55:29

And if I ever get married again it will be just me, DP and the DC...registry office, nice meal and home. grin

NewPatchesForOld Thu 04-Apr-13 14:54:24

Spottytin I had this from my narc M...(and yes I am on the stately homes thread!!!). I was getting married in Gretna, the arrangements were to pick her and my brother etc up in a mini bus, drive half way, put everyone up in a nice hotel for the night, then carry on up to Gretna for the wedding, and same coming back. All expenses paid. When I told my Narc Brother that I was getting married he said 'I'm working that day', I said 'but you don't know when it is' and he said 'doesn't matter, I'll be working'. So that was him and his family struck off the list. Then for the entire week before hand M rang up saying yes she'd come, next day no she wouldn't, then yes she would, then no she wouldn't...it carried on until I switched my phone off and refused to take her calls anymore and got married with just my 2 DC there. It was all about her...it was too far to go, it would be cold, she didn't like Scotland (had never been!).

It completely spoilt the lead up to the wedding.

As it turns out I was marrying a nasty, evil, abusive, perverted twunt but they didn't know that at the time, and neither did I!

onefewernow Thu 04-Apr-13 14:48:04

Poor you. It isn't the RA- my H has it.

Also spoke with a friend who has it on this very cold morning, and she was walking the dogs.

It can be for some a very painful condition but I havnt come across cold as relevant.

Still, may be different for some.?

Good luck for tomorrow.

BerylStreep Thu 04-Apr-13 14:39:21

Hey Spottytin, I hope you have a fab day tomorrow.

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