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I have massively screwed up my marriage, and I desperately want to get it back.

(169 Posts)
SecretJewel Mon 01-Apr-13 15:17:59

I'm in love with somebody else :-(

We've been friends through work for a long time, but over the last year or two, we seem to have gradually fallen in love.

That sounds terrible. I have never felt like this before about anyone.

The depth of feeling that comes from loving someone based on gradually getting to know their character and personality over a long period of time has blown me away.

When I met dh, the initial attraction was all based on looks and was very much a physical thing. Obviously the growing to love each other then was based on more than that, but I still know that we would never have got that far if it wasn't for the looks thing.

The new man, I wouldn't have looked at twice across a crowded room, but I have fallen in love with him through our friendship, and now I think he is gorgeous!

Anyway, so our 'relationship' has now gone as far as kissing and texting all day every day. I can't stop thinking about him.

Apart from him and dh, there has never been anyone else in my life. I settled down with dh when I was 17. I'm now 35 and we have 3 children.

Every conscience thought that I am in control of tells me, I want to stay with dh, I want my family together, I DO NOT want to bust our lives apart.

BUT, my heart says so different. My heart is gone. I love the OM now and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it.

I know the answer is 'I am in control of my own actions'. I know this and I did stop all contact with OM for a period of about 5 months. I saw him again a couple of months ago, and now we're right back to square 1.

I almost wish he didn't feel the same way. That it was just some silly one sided crush. But it's not. I'm going to push him away. I'm going to plod on day by day with my family life, but I'm always going to know now that there is someone else out there who I could be so happy with.

I was happy enough with dh before I knew what it was like to feel like this about someone. Nothing can ever undo that now. sad

happyAvocado Mon 01-Apr-13 15:28:54

stop seeing OM for 6 months and see how you feel then

Numberlock Mon 01-Apr-13 15:31:05

Is happy enough good enough though?

NutherChange Mon 01-Apr-13 15:33:37

I think you hit the nail on the head saying that you were happy with your DH before this other man came along.

Do you really want to hurt the people you love to be with a man who is willing to cheat with a married woman?

Do yourself a favour and stay away from this man. No good can come from this.

Leavenheath Mon 01-Apr-13 15:33:54

Is the OM married?

If so, it was him who called it off before wasn't it, not you? Because there's no way you'd have ended this if he'd still been keen.

I think what you want is to have the choice yourself of ending this- or continuing it.

Tigglette Mon 01-Apr-13 15:35:22

Could you be "so happy" with him with three unsettled children, a broken marriage and all that goes with it? Of course it's easy to picture the perfect life with the perfect partner when you don't have bills to pay, a house to manage and his laundry to do but really what makes you think that day to day life with him would be so different from what you have now?

Leavenheath Mon 01-Apr-13 15:35:53

Meh, millions of couples are 'happy enough'. Marriage isn't all hearts, flowers and racing pulses 100% of the time. Sometimes that's not enough for the drama queens of this world though,,,,

fedupofnamechanging Mon 01-Apr-13 15:45:11

I say shit or get off the pot! Stop with the texting and flirting and kissing behind your husband's back and either end your marriage do you van start up with om or stop arsing around with om and put a proper effort into your marriage.

Tbh, I think you owe it to your kids to put the effort in with dh. That means looking for a job where you won't see om for a start.

If he is married too, then what you are doing is proper sleazy and your respective spouses deserve better. You are not Romeo and Juliet, you are just two cheaters. It might not have been entirely intentional, but somewhere along the way you both chose to betray people who didn't deserve to be treated shabby.

fedupofnamechanging Mon 01-Apr-13 15:46:29

Sorry about typos. Am on my phone and didn't check before posting.

Sunnywithshowers Mon 01-Apr-13 15:49:04

Your title says that you want your marriage back, but the rest of your post makes it sound as if you would rather have the OM.

What you are doing is cheating on your H who doesn't deserve it.

Creameggkr Mon 01-Apr-13 15:51:01

Have you got a new lock barrel handy?

nevergoogle Mon 01-Apr-13 15:56:55

oh how very romantic you make it sound.

as a child of a parent who had an affair I can tell you that you are damaging your children with your behaviour. you are affecting how they see relationships and trust people as adults.

hey, perhaps they'll even get to witness your DH fall apart. a very scary thing for a child to see.

go you!

SecretJewel Mon 01-Apr-13 15:58:07

Yes, it was him who broke it off before. Very astute :-)

I've known him long enough to know that he is no more a sleazy womaniser than I am. He is desperately unhappy with the situation.
He tried the no contact thing because he wants to put his family first, but now he says it just didn't work. He still feels exactly the same.

I haven't admitted it yet, but so do I.

I am under no illusion that our lives would be all romance and cherry blossom rain if we were to end up together. In fact, it would probably be the complete opposite, given the circumstances of us getting together.

But, I just can't be happy now, knowing that there is something so wonderful that I am missing out on.

So I can't win either way, and I can't really see the wood for the trees at the moment.

nevergoogle Mon 01-Apr-13 15:59:59

poor you hmm

Oh FFS. Grow up and break it off. Honestly. What else do you expect to read on here?
It's all exciting and secret and texty text and thrilling..... and you know what, if you go public you are going to have three kids wondering what the FUCK happened to their home life.
If you must, split first, give it six months and THEN see if you still want to have mind blowingly hot sex and massive 'ooooh, he really gets me' meetings of minds.
I get that you might not have married the man of your dreams. I honestly do. I did the same.
But that does not give you the right to be an adulteress and a home breaker.

Just saying.

FGS do the right thing - either stop it now, or split first, calm down and then see how you feel.

jinxdragon Mon 01-Apr-13 16:06:14

What exactly do you want? Your title said you have wrecked your marriage and want it back, but your post says you are desperately in love with the OM.

TBH that depth of feeling (even if it is partly due to the "something different" ness of the OM, which it usually is) means you should end it with your husband anyway, whether you end up with the OM or not. It's not fair to him, you're not focused on your relationship with him. He will most likely find out anyway, if you're spending all day texting the OM.

scottishmummy Mon 01-Apr-13 16:07:11

stop being such a drama queen and hand on heart angst.you need to get a plan
1. You stay and work through marital issues
2. You and om decide if you want tog olive and be couple
3.stop wallowing in all this bs about love,hearts and angst.how many dc are involved?

formerdiva Mon 01-Apr-13 16:09:17

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but the moment you became a mother your wants ceased to be the priority. Unless you were married to an abusive man or bad father (neither of which your DH is I assume), I'm afraid that continuing with OM is nothing more than criminally selfish.

I do feel sorry for you, but please stop now while you can without destroying the vey people you should be protecting.

chicaguapa Mon 01-Apr-13 16:09:54

I don't think you are in love with this OM, but you are infatuated with him. Infatuation is like an addiction which you can't give up, even though you know you're tearing your family apart.

Ask yourself what you talk about when you're together. Do you discuss the future, finances, dreams & aspirations etc? Or do you talk about how you feel about each other, the situation you're in, how desperate it all is? The latter is a symptom of infatuation.

Doha Mon 01-Apr-13 16:16:28

Grow up OP. I feel so sorry for your DH and your DC's. If you really feel like a star crossed lover do the decent thing and leave your DH and your DC's. You do not deserve them.
Stop the Mills and Boon romance and get into the real world. You are having an affair--you are cheating on your family.
Shape up or ship out---and once the reality of throwing what you had away hits you, you will realise just how pathetic you sound.

scottishmummy Mon 01-Apr-13 16:16:39

Ok,show you and fancy man sat down down the maths on splitting up with partners?
How many kids involved?what commitments are there to maintain
Adult relationships are about money,daily pragmatism,not solely I luffs him

JustinBsMum Mon 01-Apr-13 16:19:06

'kissing and texting all day every day' - hmmmm, this sounds like real life - not.

I think you aren't 100% sure he will leave his DW and DCs.

Hence it is a problem. If you were both totally committed to your new loves there wouldn't be a question, just some decisions to make about when and how.

chicaguapa Mon 01-Apr-13 16:24:31

OP, download a sample of Not Just Friends from amazon and read it. If any of the sample resonates with you, it'll tell you it's an affair not true love and that should give you a reason to end it. Then download the whole book and start to understand how your friendship with this man developed into what it has.

Have a look at the other threads under relationships and see how many men in this situation come back with their tails between their legs, full of regret once real life has merged with the affair. That should tell you how seldom these things turn out to be true love and not just about the wonder of having developed a relationship with a new man.

Remind yourself why you chose to marry your DH and what made you feel that he was someone you wanted to spend your life with and have DC with. You have been together 18 years. Concentrate on rebuilding your marriage and don't put your energy into OM.

SecretJewel Mon 01-Apr-13 16:26:02

I know we can't ever be together. We just can't. There's 5 children and 2 very long marriages at stake. Neither of us will ever be happy taking responsibility for blowing all that apart.

I suppose my question is really, how I can get over the fact that now I know what it's like to feel that way about someone.

I've honestly never felt this before. I didn't know what it was like. I married too young to the first bloke that kissed me (literally!).

fedupofnamechanging Mon 01-Apr-13 16:31:48

You should keep inind that if you don't put a stop to this now, then it might not be your choice to make for much longer. If you ate texting on all day, it is only a matter of time before your dh clocks on and he might not want you back. This will go so much better for you, if you are the one to end the affair, rather than your dh catching you in an affair which is ongoing.

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