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H not getting on with dd

(188 Posts)
npg1 Mon 01-Apr-13 14:22:18

Hi. Need some advice, its making me miserable.

I have married my new partner. I have 2 children aged 10 and 6. Dd1 loves her step dad, dd2 is going through a funny phase at the moment. She gets upset and in moods easily which really winds H up. He thinks I baby her too much. He says she winds him up all the time, that she is nasty and he doesbt like her. I am finding her difficult at the moment, making me very stressed out too. Both dds have gone through alot of change recently. Their dad has a new baby in family now.

H has just said to me he would rather be at work! He lounges around not wanting to go out and wonders why the kids r climbing the walls.

Any advice please x

beautyfades Mon 08-Apr-13 20:18:17

I feel for you op, but do it sooner rather than later, he's no good an you know it.

Helltotheno Mon 08-Apr-13 19:40:12

OP stop fannying about and just DITCH HIM!!
You're just using the 'I got here first' argument to put off the moment and wait for him to change... here's the newsflash: he won't change. He doesn't like your kids and obviously doesn't like being married either.

Quit playing about here because this can and will come back to bite you if you don't do something about it.

Find another place to live and get your DC out of there and swear off men for a while, eh?

izzyizin Mon 08-Apr-13 16:58:38

Is this going to be another groundhog day? He comes home, announces he's leaving, has a shit/shower/shave, changes his mind, lolls on sofa playing with himself Adultworks, waits until you have gone to bed before climbing in and giving you a 'cuddle'...

This is the man you moved into your home and into your dds' lives within a few months of meeting him.

This is the man who you subsequently discovered had credit card debts of some £2,000+ due in part to his use of Adultworks and its various services.

This is the man who logged into porn sites within minutes of returning from a family holiday with your dds and who had/has no compunction about using these sites in your home regardless of whether your dds are present.

This is the man whose debts you paid from your savings.

This is the man you went into debt for in order to pay for your £10,000+ wedding to him.

This is the man who wants you to take on more dc in order to bring in more money from your childminding venture.

This is the man who wanted you to rack up more debt in the last week or so by buying him a new/another car... have you signed on the dotted line?

This is the man who doesn't lift a finger in your home.

This is the man who torments your 6yo dd and isn't fit to be anywhere near either of your dds.

But you're prepared to overlook all of the above because this is the man with a golden dick you 'love' him and can't do without him.

He has no choice - he has to move out.
I'd be calling in re-inforcements if you have them.
Challenge him with some support and ask him to leave and make sure your friend or family member back you up.
Get him out - good luck!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 08-Apr-13 16:23:11

Just saw your last post - stand firm or he'll play nice and wheedle again.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 08-Apr-13 16:22:01

So a trip out and the DCs weren't adequately grateful? That's real life OP not a tv ad with a shot of happy family zero stress look-at-us. He might have had a genuinely good time but still find something to moan about.

Do yourself a favour, you can't spend every day trying to deflect criticism or urging the DCs to supply an "appropriate" response. Do the girls a kindness - if he found something to grump about whilst you were there, how's he going to act when he's on his own with them?

Machli Mon 08-Apr-13 16:09:33

Sorry if you've said but is the house in your name?

npg1 Mon 08-Apr-13 16:09:02

He has text me and told me he isnt moving out of the house and we will have to live together for a while. I said no way I want him out. Its rented, I was here first.

izzyizin Mon 08-Apr-13 15:57:34

And he's appreciative of the thousands of £'s you've spent on him and the way you turn yourself inside out to please him and encourage your dc to do the same, is he?

npg1 Mon 08-Apr-13 15:47:11

Just him being fed up with the kids again. We went out and he said how unappreciative they r.

izzyizin Mon 08-Apr-13 15:39:57

What's 'flared up' again? Him using Aworks, him demeaning and diminishing your little dd, him continuing to expect to be waited on hand and foot, him pressuring you to give him more money.... the list is endless, isn't it?

This man has no redeeming features whatsoever, so why are you rolling over for him at the expense of your dc as well as your purse?

AllThatGlistens Mon 08-Apr-13 15:34:05

So why wait? Why let your daughter suffer anymore??

Put your child first, not your bullying husband.

npg1 Mon 08-Apr-13 15:31:41

I know your all right, I really do. A week down the line and its flared up again arghhh

clam Fri 05-Apr-13 11:31:16

Is this the bloke who was pressuring you to move in together after 5 months, while your dds were away on holiday. Something about a mis-interpreted text and you didn't know how to get out of it? You were "so in love" and he was "brilliant with the dds?"

DaemonPantalaemon Fri 05-Apr-13 07:00:14

CabbageLeaves thank you.

At some point, women in unhappy relationships have to take responsibility for ending their unhappiness.

CabbageLeaves Fri 05-Apr-13 06:18:47

OP. You have no boundaries regarding how you are treated. This is sad but you are an adult so if you accept bad treatment and financially support this man it's your look out. (I sincerely wish you'd change this situation for yourself because it is very sad)

Your lack of boundaries is now affecting your children and you're considering bringing more into this mess.

He takes money
He has dealings with prostitutes
He does nothing around the house
You pay off his debts
You tolerate his grumpiness
He doesn't like your child
She's very unhappy

What next in this list

He's hit her
He's abused her

At which point in this list will you stop saying. The kids love him, we've only just got married, I spent a lot of money on the wedding, I don't want people to know I failed, he's lovely most of the time.

So what is your deal breaker. Not porn. Not adultworks. Not huge debts to pay off. Not lack of help around the house. Not grumpiness. Not threats to leave and expressions of dislike against your child. What is it?

Ltb, seriously is this man worth it.
Put your children first NOW, don't delay.

Anyone that hated any one my dc, would be thrown out the door along with bin bags full of their belongings and told in no uncertain terms to not set foot anywhere near my house, let alone garden path.

You gave birth to your children, aren't they worth more than this cretin?

DaemonPantalaemon Fri 05-Apr-13 05:32:31

Ladies, please don't bother.

npg1 clearly has issues in her marriage. She has posted here about some very serious issues with adult sex work sites, got some very good advice. She chose to ignore it.

She comes back with a new problem, much more serious than the last one, you give her excellent advice, and she makes excuses for the man.

I can only conclude that she comes here to vent, which is fine, but please be under no illusions: nothing this man does will make her kick him out. She has one "failed" marriage, you see, and she is afraid of having another.

So she will put up with a lot of crap, then vent on Mumsnet, then there will be more crap to vent about. But she will not leave, ever. Not even for her children's sake.

Sorry to be so harsh OP, but I can assure you the problems are just beginning. But the fact of being married matters to you more than the quality of the marriage.

I hope you will see one day that it is not enough to be married when one of the partners is so contemptuous of you and your children.

Flojobunny Fri 05-Apr-13 00:28:08

You blew 10k on a wedding? All your savings? Why on earth did u put yourself and your DDs in this position for one stupid day?
I would have serious safeguarding concerns living with a man who thought my DD was nasty and didnt like her.
He sounds like a bully and you sound like the damage is already done, u seem to be low on self esteem and confidence as most women would have protected their DD and shown him the door by now.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Fri 05-Apr-13 00:19:34

Thanks for answering, Ledkr, it sounds like they rub along just fine and a sense of humour really helps with that. It's not easy at all though, is it? As other posters have said, when your daughter is older, she will look back and feel secure about her childhood as well as her future. No small feat, I think, some children don't have that even with biological parents. It's nice to read your experience, thanks for sharing it. smile

Ledkr Thu 04-Apr-13 23:29:41

Sorry. I ask her often about her feelings and she is very able to be honest so I can deem from that if its a serious concern iykwim.

Ledkr Thu 04-Apr-13 23:27:07

lying it was all a bit whirlwind but he didn't get over involved with dd on anymore than a visitor level at first and so they got along like any visitor to the home.
If I'm honest what I liked about him was his not getting over involved with the chikdren (older three ds) and just allowing them to get to know him.
She's always been kind of cheeky and scathing to him really but we were on our own from when she was tiny so she didn't want to share me.
He uses humour a lot for example she says "love you" very definitely to me and he answers "love you too" and they share a sarcastic laugh.
She's told us she thinks he's the reason I'm not with her dad even though she actually knows he's not and also gets on great with ex gf (the ow)
It's not always easy but I know one hundred percent he has her best interests and wants the best for her.
He's very lucky to have had such a settled upbringing and it really shows.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 04-Apr-13 14:42:33

I have not read your other threads OP I am only going by what you have posted here yourself.

Imagine living somewhere with someone who dislikes you day in day out. Yes there's school and yes she goes to visit her Dad (and new half sibling) so she and her stepdad aren't together 24/7. She's only 6 she doesn't get to make big life changing decisions. You know it's not just keeping them fed and clothed and clean, it's looking out for their well-being.

If you are contemplating a baby with your new H he may well be a very good father to his own child but I would seriously worry about your DDs being edged out. If he is like this now what will living with a newborn, disturbed nights and restricted time off doing his own thing, do to his temper? Please don't dismiss this as "Oh it's just words he's not actually hitting her". On Monday you mention, he commented, he doesn't know if he can put up with her any longer. The same night you told us he said, what's he got to be sorry about.

If you feel like you are being attacked here - and that's just words on a screen - how do you reckon DD2 is going to be if he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Thu 04-Apr-13 14:42:00

ledkr... Your husband sounds lovely, I wish I'd had a dad/step-dad/male role model like him. If you don't mind, can I just ask you... before you married him, did you daughter express dislike/disdain for him or 'carry on' and if so, how did you differentiate from what is a child being child-like and what is of serious concern? The reason I'm asking is that some men seem very good at playing to an audience. Just wondered if you had some insight as you clearly have one of the good ones and your daughter is very lucky.

snowshapes Thu 04-Apr-13 14:22:09

The first time I asked xh to leave, it was because he laid into dd (his stepdaughter) for not getting out of the bathroom quick enough.Of course, there had been a couple of things before that which I had reasoned away.

DD was in floods of tears that he was gone, and I didn't feel sure enough about what I was doing. He came back. It was okay-ish for a few months. And then it got worse. Every argument, it came back to DD. I spent too much time tidying her room, I was always defending her, she was spoilt, plus, he wound her up till she would snap, and say he was annoying her, so he would say, to her face, that she annoyed him. He commented on what I bought her (with my money), he sulked in I stood up for her. The final straw was him pushing her in an altercation and then trying to defend it that she provoked him. When I told him to leave the second time, this time very very sure there was no going back.

Did my girl cry this time? No. She started to come out her room, to laugh, to play downstairs, and she made just a couple of comments which told me that I had absolutely done the right thing. As I said in my previous post, he was not there all the time, so it was not that obvious at first, but it became obvious. And before I get flamed for not going sooner, dd had a close friendship with her stepsister, which she has pretty much lost. It was that knowledge, that she would lose her stepsister as a close friend, which gave me pause.

So, I kind of get the not wanting to upset dcs by telling him to go, but the result is damaging them. It is my biggest regret that I did not ask him to go sooner. Of course our relationship was in many ways also abusive but I am just unpickng that now. What he did to DD, bullying a child, was more obvious and if I had stayed I would have been complicit. So, I am not just saying LTB because I have an ax to grind, but because staying would have been the worst thing I could have done for dd. And she was there first, and comes first. I have dc2 with xh, and the differential treatment would have harmed him too. And who knows, when he is old enough to stand up and be himself, would he then be ok?

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