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H not getting on with dd

(188 Posts)
npg1 Mon 01-Apr-13 14:22:18

Hi. Need some advice, its making me miserable.

I have married my new partner. I have 2 children aged 10 and 6. Dd1 loves her step dad, dd2 is going through a funny phase at the moment. She gets upset and in moods easily which really winds H up. He thinks I baby her too much. He says she winds him up all the time, that she is nasty and he doesbt like her. I am finding her difficult at the moment, making me very stressed out too. Both dds have gone through alot of change recently. Their dad has a new baby in family now.

H has just said to me he would rather be at work! He lounges around not wanting to go out and wonders why the kids r climbing the walls.

Any advice please x

npg1 Mon 01-Apr-13 15:44:56

He also says I drink too much.i enjoy a glass of wine or two but not every night. He doesbt drink at all and doesnt see why I should. I work hard and have a busy life and thats my way of rekaxing plus had very stressful coupke weeks

npg1 Mon 01-Apr-13 15:45:59

He tells me when she is out the room.he is moody and subdued like he is at the moment downstair

Tigglette Mon 01-Apr-13 15:48:04

Does he have children? It sounds like he has no experience of being a parent and all that goes with it - that's not his fault but he does need to get there pretty quick.

What discussions did you have with him about what it would mean to be a step parent, the demands of having children and your expectations of him? He must have had some idea of your parenting style before you married - two years isn't necessarily quick for remarriage but he needs to understand the place your children take in your life and in the household.

paintyourbox Mon 01-Apr-13 15:49:19

Seriously, just get rid of him?

What is he bringing to the relationship? A wedge between you and your children, snide comments because you happen to like the odd glass of wine and lazing about sulking in his pyjamas like a giant toddler.

You haven't failed, you made a mistake like we all do. It's the way you handle the mistake that's the most important issue here.

Your DDs deserve a happy childhood and a happy mummy. You deserve a happy family life!

whokilleddannylatimer Mon 01-Apr-13 15:50:08

Tbh I feel as though now he has got you married he wants you to chose, why else would he say he didnt like a six year old offering no resolution or ways of building a relationship with her.
he wants to be married to you without the fuss of a child he doesn't get on with.

A six year old going through massive changes, new dad, new baby is going to play up.

I have been divorced from their dad for years and my dc still play up when they are feeling insecure about changes or how dad has treated them.

FrameyMcFrame Mon 01-Apr-13 15:52:23

Step families are hard. They need to be worked on, give your DH a chance to work on your family.

I am going through similar to you op, and I have had to lay down the law in this house to the point of putting the kids in the car and leaving.
Sad that it took that to make my DP realise he had to change.
Also made me realise it's not easy for him either.

npg1 Mon 01-Apr-13 15:57:30

He has a 15yr old son who he hasnt seen for a couple of yrs but is just starting to see again.

When the kids are not here we get on fine. He has changed since we have been married. Hes lazy, doesnt help around house and im a childminder and he wants me to take on loads of kids to earn loads of money!

Arghh I just wanna smack him in the face seeing hin laying on sofa playing on his phone

izzyizin Mon 01-Apr-13 16:00:56

^I have wasted all my savings that I had 10k on the wedding and am left with nothing if he goes

What sums did he contribute to the wedding? Why did you choose to spend all of your savings on making a splash marrying him?

As you're presumably not about to collect your pension any time soon you can build up more savings over time, but your dd is priceless and her welfare and wellbeing should matter far more to you than money.

OxfordBags Mon 01-Apr-13 16:02:17

The depressd feeling you can't put your finger on is the knowledge that he is a horible person who is treating your DD like shit and is damaging not just her, but your other DD too (via witnessing it, and the burden/guilt of being the 'good' one, etc.).

Your 10K is already gone - the only way it is truly wasted is if you keep him around to mentally and emotionally damage your poor child some more.

People, men or women, who get like this about stepchildren, have deep issues and problems. They are not fit to be around children, not at least until they have worked long and hard on those problems.

Machli Mon 01-Apr-13 16:04:27

Just read your last post. This man will make your children and you miserable if you let him. Get Him Out. You'll get loads of support on here.

izzyizin Mon 01-Apr-13 16:05:24

He hasn't changed since you've been married. He's showing his true colours - they were there all along but you were so enamoured with him, and at having snagged another man so quickly after the breakup with your ex, you refused to see the writing on the wall.

NeedlesCuties Mon 01-Apr-13 16:06:36

Why did he not see his son until recently?

Does he work?

OhLori Mon 01-Apr-13 16:09:19

What sums did he contribute to the wedding? Why did you choose to spend all of your savings on making a splash marrying him?

Absolutely. Could have gone toward's your DD's education.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 01-Apr-13 16:10:03

I'm sure you must have considered how he would be as a stepdad. I won't speculate what led to him not seeing his own DS for a couple of years. You say since January this year your DD2 has been playing up. So you got married around October and your ex's partner gave birth when? Two big events in DDs' lives within 6-12 months? When the kids are not here we go on fine ouch big red flag.

On top of this perhaps you have money worries since the wedding.

Unfortunately it is easy to pick a target and moan about it or more concerningly, at it. If he talking to you he will very likely already be making his dislike clear to DD2, children pick up on attitude and atmosphere from a very early age. DD1 may genuinely like and get along with H or she could have intuited that it's important to keep on his right side and not irritate him. Lot of pressure on a 10 year old.

After the honeymoon wears off and rl kicks in life can get mundane and ordinary but I wouldn't expect a relationship that has been going this long falter so soon unless there are contributory factors. Unfortunately refusal to concede any ground and adapt to a new way of life with added responsibilities is a major headache. As Izzy says it is more likely you now see his true colours.

izzyizin Mon 01-Apr-13 16:15:03

You're a childminder who no doubt pays close attention to the welfare and wellbeing of your young charges, but you're prepared to neglect the wellbeing of your own dcs because you spent 10 grand on marrying a self-entitled and insensitive twat?

And now he wants you to care for more dc who aren't your own while he sits on his selfish arse making your life, and that of your little dd, more stressful than it needs to be or should be.

Ironic or what?

NeedlesCuties Mon 01-Apr-13 16:20:42

I don't think it's a good idea to beat yourself up about blowing £10k on the wedding, or for others to focus on that.

But I would seriously advise you to use a strong method of birth control.

OhLori Mon 01-Apr-13 16:30:16

Well gosh £10k is a lot of money (and hopefully some of it is salvegable in terms of holidays etc.) But I think the purpose was not to beat anyone up about it, and as noted whats done is done. It is more about offering perspective ...

izzyizin Mon 01-Apr-13 16:30:52

It's the OP that's focusing on having squandered 10 grand and using it as a reason, a justification, for not doing what she knows she should do which is accept she's been a fool, write the money off, and tell her cocklodging new husband to leave her home Needles.

whokilleddannylatimer Mon 01-Apr-13 16:39:19

You've been married six months, he's telling you that your dd is nasty and he doesn't like her, He is lazy and doesn't help round the house but wants you to work more to get more money for him. He's controlling and moaning about you drinking the odd wine, he has a son he hasn't bothered with for years till now and you have been feeling depressed while he sits on his arse throwing a moody strop.

Seriously?

You really have to think how you would feel if your six year old chose to live with dad.

Regardless if he tells you when shes not there its hard to mask his dislike and she will know sad

NeedlesCuties Mon 01-Apr-13 16:49:46

izzy I agre with you that her DH is a cocklodger. With my earlier comment I just meant that she shouldn't go round in circles worrying about the now-spent £10k, but rather that she has bigger fish to fry: namely getting him to shape up or ship out.

npg1 Mon 01-Apr-13 16:59:09

I have just tried to speak to him and he said he doesbt know if he can put up with her any longer!

CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs Mon 01-Apr-13 17:04:12

He doesn't have a choice in that. Unless you are willing to send your 6yo DD to live with her father, putting your own love life above HER.

If he 'doesn't know if he can put up with her any longer' then point him towards the door and hope it hits him on the way out!

No good parent puts a relationship with someone who dislikes their child and makes that plain and obvious to that child before the emotional well being of THEIR CHILD.

Be a good parent and tell him to shape up or fuck off!

NutherChange Mon 01-Apr-13 17:04:52

That sounds like some vague threat to me.

I'd tell him to get out frankly.

npg1 Mon 01-Apr-13 17:05:30

He says he is leaving

Rainbowinthesky Mon 01-Apr-13 17:06:27

What does he mean he doesn't know if he can put up with it any longer? Is he suggesting she moves out? I would ask exactly what he means although tbh I know what I would do.

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