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Advice/opinions appreciated

(91 Posts)
NutherChange Sun 31-Mar-13 16:21:51

Here are so facts so not too drip feed, but protect identity...

Been dating a guy for almost a year who is significantly younger than me.

I have DC's he does not, however, he says he does not want any of his own.

Relationship fantastic in most ways; he's honest, caring, good with children, good to me etc.

Problem is: After almost a year, I've not been introduced to any family or friends. I've confronted him several times (checked if his family are unhappy with age gap etc) he says everything is fine. Is this normal? I'm starting to think he's embarrassed or something.

He stays at my house almost every night so really don't think he's involved in any other relationship, never found any evidence of this.

So what's the problem?

NutherChange Thu 04-Apr-13 10:24:10

You are absolutely right, of course you are, I'm not accepting this. I could not be in a relationship like this. Single life is far better; I learned that the hard way.

The crucial point for me really was that it's gone too far for me now, I don't even want him to put it right anymore.

I don't need a relationship, if a good one came my way, fine, but as it stands, I value what I've got in my life far too much.

badinage Tue 02-Apr-13 21:46:59

I thought this is what would happen.

It's why I said days ago not to get sucked in by vague promises about introducing you to the rest of his life.

I think of you accept this, you may see a pattern developing in your relationship involving procrastination about important things that will only ever get done when he's got a gun to his head.

cjel Tue 02-Apr-13 20:15:48

Yes thats the bit that would freak me!!

NutherChange Tue 02-Apr-13 19:36:46

cjel I see your point grin I am just really paranoid as to why though, so have no idea if I should be be worried!

NutherChange Tue 02-Apr-13 19:34:58

Thanks again guys.

Yes it definitely is the fact that I had to 'force' him, and I've told him this. This is the minus point.

On the plus side, he has accepted full responsibility and has pleaded for a chance to change.

As it stands currently, it's over. I have asked for breathing/thinking space.

All your input has been helpful x

cjel Tue 02-Apr-13 18:55:33

Love closet friends!! I know its wrong but I'd be tempted to go and meet them just to see what all the fuss was about!!!

ChippingInIsEggceptional Tue 02-Apr-13 18:46:16

Fraudian slip grin

If it were me now that I've wised up A LOT I'd still end it. As you say, he's only doing it because you've forced him into it and he still wont talk to you and tell you why - his answers are those of a teenager, not a grown man (and although he's younger than you, I suspect he's not that young!!).

Spike at least you realise it's not healthy, you have good reasons for it and you have discussed it with your friend. I hope things get better for you, it's no way to live really x

NutherChange Tue 02-Apr-13 14:18:02

That should read 'closest' friends not 'closet' friends smile

NutherChange Tue 02-Apr-13 14:10:25

He is wanting to make arrangements to meet the parents and to go out to dinner with a couple of his closet friends.

cjel Tue 02-Apr-13 14:06:01

Has he arranged for you to meet them now or is he just saying that at some distant point in the future he will?

CartedOff Tue 02-Apr-13 13:41:24

I would still end it. I don't think it's worth it and the fact that this relationship has made you feel worthless is a really bad sign. I don't think it would be good for your self-esteem to stick with him after you've been made to feel this way.

ThingummyBob Tue 02-Apr-13 13:21:15

I'd move on. You are right about him only addressing it as you've forced his hand by ending the relationship.

StillSeekingSpike Tue 02-Apr-13 13:21:06

Oh dear. I'm a bit like this bloke blush. I am estranged from my family due to many reasons- but because of basically emotional abuse. And I don't want them to know where I am. And I do compartmentalise my life because of this- I never introduced my ex to my current friends. I am trying to stop doing this as much because I recognise it isn't exactly healthy-- but ulness you have been in an abusive and intrusive family it's hard to explain.
I have been friends with my utter BFF for over 2 years now- and we have never been in each other's houses! because we have similar families she completely understands.

NutherChange Tue 02-Apr-13 13:10:57

More advice needed from you wonderful people....

Ok, so I ended it. He was extremely upset and claims he is willing to put this right, but..

1. I'm not sure I want him to, as I've had to 'force' him
2. Despite asking several times, he can give me no clear answer as to why things have had to come to this, he says 'it's because I've been stupid' and 'I really don't know."
3. I've had to point out to him that he is only willing to put this right because he doesn't want to 'lose' me.

What would you do in this situation?

cjel Mon 01-Apr-13 22:34:12

Hope you have a good week, If he really wants you he will change and suddenly the invites will come, but at least you are not settling for less than you deserve.

NutherChange Mon 01-Apr-13 21:53:28

Thank you for continuing to share your experiences.

I had been single for 5 years due to previous relationship. Think I was so busy congratulating myself on choosing somebody totally non-abusive that I did not consider this! He has been my first relationship since the end of my marriage.

Quicknamechange2012 Mon 01-Apr-13 21:03:33

It sounds like you really value your own self-worth Nuther which is a great strength to have.

Not going to give too many details as it'll out me but my sister was in a similar relationship which ended recently aft TEN years and she still hadn't met his friends or family by then (they lived about 30mins drive away!) So now she's ten years older, none the wiser about him and feels that she's just wasted some of the best years of her life.

So it's great that you can see the need to finish this now, good luck to you.

Redflagcatcher Mon 01-Apr-13 20:51:07

Good luck nuther, I went through a surprisingly similar experience last year. Now with someone who is an open book and I realise how scary and damaging my relationship with "lovely but closed" man was.

NutherChange Mon 01-Apr-13 20:37:33

Thank you all so much for your kind words and support. Will update to let you all know how it went x

ShipwreckedAndComatose Mon 01-Apr-13 20:04:06

Sorry to hear of the end of a relationship but I am also glad you have made this decision, it sounds like it is the best one for you and I totally agree with your reasons for doing so.

Good luck and look after yourself xx

ChippingInIsEggceptional Mon 01-Apr-13 19:53:02

I'm glad you have made that decision, but sorry that you have to do it & that he didn't deal with the situation when you told him how you felt. Big hugs. Let us know how it goes OK x

Rulesgirl Mon 01-Apr-13 17:10:18

Im glad you have made a decision you are happy with Nuther. Im sure its a very tough one from all that you have said. Your obviously a very strong woman now given your past experiences and are putting your own needs and emotional happiness first, as it should be. I really wish you well and good luck,peacefulness and happiness with everything.flowers

NutherChange Mon 01-Apr-13 12:21:08

I have made the decision to end the relationship. After listening to all of your points of view and advice, I have decided that this is the best course of action for me.

I will be doing this at the weekend as he has a very serious situation going on this week (which I do have proof of) and feel that it would be inappropriate. I had already asked for time apart this week anyway due to things that I have going on.

I came to the conclusion that, as nice as the relationship has been, it has nonetheless resulted in making me feel worthless, something which my previous abusive marriage had done, just in a more obvious and abusive way.

In a way, it's harder to walk away from this relationship as in every other way it's been really good, and I do love the guy. Walking away from my marriage was a no-brainer and a relief as my EXH had been so abusive.

I have figured that, if he valued our relationship in the way that he claims he does, he would have dealt with this situation, as I had made him aware of the way it was affecting me. I'm sure when I come to have 'the talk' he will have seen it coming anyway.

I once again want to thank everybody who has helped me. I hope that anybody who reads this thread is made aware that even 'good relationships' with 'good guys' can result in damaging your self-esteem, and and as one poster quite rightly pointed out, anybody in any relationship should not just 'accept' things because the rest of the relationship is meeting minimum standards.

NutherChange Sun 31-Mar-13 23:28:34

I checked their age before I got involved Candy and thankfully they are a lot older than me!

Have thought about him being embarrassed of them, but still would not explain the friends. I guess only he really knows the answer. So annoying.

CandyCrushed Sun 31-Mar-13 23:25:07

My bet is that he is embarrassed of the age gap or of his parents.
Do you know how old they are? They could be almost the same age as you, which could be a little awkward.

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