Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Advice/opinions appreciated

(91 Posts)
NutherChange Sun 31-Mar-13 16:21:51

Here are so facts so not too drip feed, but protect identity...

Been dating a guy for almost a year who is significantly younger than me.

I have DC's he does not, however, he says he does not want any of his own.

Relationship fantastic in most ways; he's honest, caring, good with children, good to me etc.

Problem is: After almost a year, I've not been introduced to any family or friends. I've confronted him several times (checked if his family are unhappy with age gap etc) he says everything is fine. Is this normal? I'm starting to think he's embarrassed or something.

He stays at my house almost every night so really don't think he's involved in any other relationship, never found any evidence of this.

So what's the problem?

NutherChange Mon 01-Apr-13 21:53:28

Thank you for continuing to share your experiences.

I had been single for 5 years due to previous relationship. Think I was so busy congratulating myself on choosing somebody totally non-abusive that I did not consider this! He has been my first relationship since the end of my marriage.

cjel Mon 01-Apr-13 22:34:12

Hope you have a good week, If he really wants you he will change and suddenly the invites will come, but at least you are not settling for less than you deserve.

NutherChange Tue 02-Apr-13 13:10:57

More advice needed from you wonderful people....

Ok, so I ended it. He was extremely upset and claims he is willing to put this right, but..

1. I'm not sure I want him to, as I've had to 'force' him
2. Despite asking several times, he can give me no clear answer as to why things have had to come to this, he says 'it's because I've been stupid' and 'I really don't know."
3. I've had to point out to him that he is only willing to put this right because he doesn't want to 'lose' me.

What would you do in this situation?

StillSeekingSpike Tue 02-Apr-13 13:21:06

Oh dear. I'm a bit like this bloke blush. I am estranged from my family due to many reasons- but because of basically emotional abuse. And I don't want them to know where I am. And I do compartmentalise my life because of this- I never introduced my ex to my current friends. I am trying to stop doing this as much because I recognise it isn't exactly healthy-- but ulness you have been in an abusive and intrusive family it's hard to explain.
I have been friends with my utter BFF for over 2 years now- and we have never been in each other's houses! because we have similar families she completely understands.

ThingummyBob Tue 02-Apr-13 13:21:15

I'd move on. You are right about him only addressing it as you've forced his hand by ending the relationship.

CartedOff Tue 02-Apr-13 13:41:24

I would still end it. I don't think it's worth it and the fact that this relationship has made you feel worthless is a really bad sign. I don't think it would be good for your self-esteem to stick with him after you've been made to feel this way.

cjel Tue 02-Apr-13 14:06:01

Has he arranged for you to meet them now or is he just saying that at some distant point in the future he will?

NutherChange Tue 02-Apr-13 14:10:25

He is wanting to make arrangements to meet the parents and to go out to dinner with a couple of his closet friends.

NutherChange Tue 02-Apr-13 14:18:02

That should read 'closest' friends not 'closet' friends smile

ChippingInIsEggceptional Tue 02-Apr-13 18:46:16

Fraudian slip grin

If it were me now that I've wised up A LOT I'd still end it. As you say, he's only doing it because you've forced him into it and he still wont talk to you and tell you why - his answers are those of a teenager, not a grown man (and although he's younger than you, I suspect he's not that young!!).

Spike at least you realise it's not healthy, you have good reasons for it and you have discussed it with your friend. I hope things get better for you, it's no way to live really x

cjel Tue 02-Apr-13 18:55:33

Love closet friends!! I know its wrong but I'd be tempted to go and meet them just to see what all the fuss was about!!!

NutherChange Tue 02-Apr-13 19:34:58

Thanks again guys.

Yes it definitely is the fact that I had to 'force' him, and I've told him this. This is the minus point.

On the plus side, he has accepted full responsibility and has pleaded for a chance to change.

As it stands currently, it's over. I have asked for breathing/thinking space.

All your input has been helpful x

NutherChange Tue 02-Apr-13 19:36:46

cjel I see your point grin I am just really paranoid as to why though, so have no idea if I should be be worried!

cjel Tue 02-Apr-13 20:15:48

Yes thats the bit that would freak me!!

badinage Tue 02-Apr-13 21:46:59

I thought this is what would happen.

It's why I said days ago not to get sucked in by vague promises about introducing you to the rest of his life.

I think of you accept this, you may see a pattern developing in your relationship involving procrastination about important things that will only ever get done when he's got a gun to his head.

NutherChange Thu 04-Apr-13 10:24:10

You are absolutely right, of course you are, I'm not accepting this. I could not be in a relationship like this. Single life is far better; I learned that the hard way.

The crucial point for me really was that it's gone too far for me now, I don't even want him to put it right anymore.

I don't need a relationship, if a good one came my way, fine, but as it stands, I value what I've got in my life far too much.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now