Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Holiday disagreement

(55 Posts)
Stellarella123 Sat 30-Mar-13 22:33:50

We are heading off on a family holiday with our 2 kids in a few months, it's my dh sisters wedding abroad, there's alot of family friends going but were the only ones who have kids, they are all talking about how it's gonna be great partying etc, my dh just agrees but I keep saying it won't be for us as we have 2 kids under 5 to look after, me and dh agreed before booking hol that it would be a family hol and we'd attend wedding whilst there, but all the rest of the family think wel be taking nights each to party with one of us watching kids at a time, I feel ill at the thought of having to sit in a hotel room on my own with kids whilst my dh is out, when I speak to him we end up arguing, I think he wants to party and doesn't like me saying otherwise, I really don't want this kind of holiday and don't know what to do about it, it's me that's done all the saving up and I'm really not looking forward to it, he is a good guy who works provides, supports but is also a crabbit shit! , we have been having some problems lately and I feel like iv had enough, feel like cancelling it! Help!!

LIZS Sun 31-Mar-13 18:02:01

Can you not ask sil what she ash planned ?

strongerandstronger Sun 31-Mar-13 18:04:03

OP I feel for you, this is a difficult situation to be in. You are more than likely going to look like the bad guy. I don't think there is anything you can do apart from trying to talk to your DH again prior to the holiday. Make sure he is 100% aware of your feelings so that there is no misunderstanding. Tell him that this is a family holiday for you both to reconnect and for your DCs to have fun not a chance to act like a teenager again. Try and do it in a way that doesn't sound like nagging as men tend to shut down if they think you are nagging, I know mine does. If your DH does go off partying and leaves you to look after the kids then he is basically showing that he does not take his responsibilities seriously and does not give a shit about your feelings. I am sorry OP, he needs to take you seriously and respect what you are saying.

Creameggkr Sun 31-Mar-13 18:40:27

It might all just fall into place.
Scenario. You are all out and dc get moody. You say to dh " the kids are tired we bed to go" he leaves to go with you.
My in laws also naturally assumed my dds would be babysat while we went out. I have said catorgorically NO.
They don't have kids yet so cannot comprehend that I don't want to leave them when I'm on holiday.

SnookyPooky Sun 31-Mar-13 18:57:02

Stella where in Cyprus are you staying? I live there and it's not all nightclubs etc. The rest of your group may find that there is not that much nightlife at all, depending which resort and hotel.

Tryharder Sun 31-Mar-13 19:06:02

Do you not think you are overreacting? Why can you not agree one or two nights out each with the other person babysitting and then the other nights you go out as a family with the kids.

Why on earth would it make you ill to contemplate staying in with the kids in a hotel room. Good Lord woman! A glass of wine on the balcony with a good book while the kids sleep? Sounds great.

Jux Mon 01-Apr-13 02:20:32

I think you have to agree who does morning duty and how often. If he's out one night and likely to be hungover next day then you do morning duty but he has to do the same. If I were you, I would make sure I was the first to have the night out too - just to make sure it all goes according to plan wink

Lavenderhoney Mon 01-Apr-13 06:33:15

If you don't feel like partying you don't have to. Tell him one night is ok for him, but not you getting up and doing childcare everyday whilst he nurses a hangover.

Cyprus is nice for family restaurants and dc are welcome. People eat later and your dc will stay up later, maybe fall asleep whist you eat and then get home later than usual.

If you want to stick to a routine of early bed which you might do in the UK, it will be hard though. Will you mind changing routine?

Who has been saving for going out money? I'm assuming he won't be spending all the holiday cash on booze?

It might be ok, and you might have to play it by ear, but insist your dh says " sounds great, just let me have a chat with dw later and sort out what's best for us! " to any organising of big nights out. But he will want to spend time with his extended family. Unless you all live in the same area at home, then it's different again!

Stellarella123 Mon 01-Apr-13 08:05:05

We don't see his family much so for dh it's a good chance to catch up, I understand this and I think il have to leave him to have his night out with the guys, they are going to ayia napa clubbing, I have spoken to him and he says he will go out for a few (which I know will never happen). But if it's just one night then il have to deal with it/ get over it.
I don't mind dc routine changing, i will play it by ear,
I know I'm over reacting and over thinking etc, but I just can't help it, I hate how I'm anxious, and a born worrier, probably unnecessarily and I know I'm ruining it before it's even started, I'm trying to prepare myself and plan it out a little.
I'm leaving dh to save the rest of our spending money now, although we are fully inclusive at hotel, so hopefully we won't need too much,
We don't do holidays regularly, it's 1st holiday in 3 yrs, and 3 yrs before that, it's expensive , I don't want to be sat in a hotel room in my own with dc, I want quality time with my family, connect with my dh, and it may be another 3 yrs before we have this luxury again,

I've been to Cyprus with young children. I can't remember where we stayed but it wasn't Ayia napa to be fair. I found that if I chucked them in the pool for a few hours in the morning they'd have a nice long sleep after lunch and then be able to stay up lateish. I would imagine even a party town like Ayia napa will still have nice family restaurants?

However, I don't blame you for being apprehensive. I wouldn't like the thought of one of us going clubbing every night. Maybe one or at the most two nights each, but not every night. I wouldn't relish he thought of one member of the family being permanently hungover.

ImperialBlether Mon 01-Apr-13 12:16:59

The whole point of a holiday is that you spend some time together as a family. If he's out getting drunk at night then he'll be useless the next day and the only thing that will cheer him up will be another drink. I'm sorry for you, OP; you should be having a nice time with your husband there with you and there for the kids the next day, too.

What's he like normally? Does he go out much with his friends at home?

Stellarella123 Mon 01-Apr-13 16:29:15

He doesn't go out or drink much here at home, but when we do have a get together or night out we do enjoy a good drink, I have spoken to him and he says that one night is fine, he feels obliged to have a night with the guys, I would rather he didn't as the next day il be on my own with the kids, and I will worry that he drinks too much etc when out, but he's his own person too,
the ladies are having a night too which I might go to but not interested in being up half the night drunk as I don't want a day wasted with a hangover,
at the mo I'm concentrating on places to take the dc, and how they will love getting away, and the cocktails, winewinewine
his family are all very loud, outspoken, not my kinda people, I can feel quite lonely in there presence as I don't fit in, I think the thought of spending a week with them is putting a dampener on it, and knowing my dh fitting right in with them and have a great time.

ModernToss Mon 01-Apr-13 16:38:13

I really don't think you should begrudge him one night out with his friends and family, even if it does mean you do most of the work the next day. He can make that up to you.

Every night would be a different story.

dopeysheep Mon 01-Apr-13 16:44:42

If it will just be one or two nights ( plus next day recovery!) I think that is ok if the rest of it is family time.
Sounds to me though as if you both have very different ideas as to how things will pan out. Ypu are already getting anxious, and don't want to go.
Can he go out for a few days and then do the family holiday at a different date?
I realise that would prob cost a lot tho. It just sounds as if you aren't going to enjoy yourself which is a shame.

Stellarella123 Mon 01-Apr-13 17:18:52

It's all paid for now so we couldn't change it all or cancell without losing money, I don't think I could do it anyway, if we have agreed one night and he didn't stick to it then I would be totally finished with him as he is taking the mickey out of me then, it's just the fact his family will ask him out every night and probably pester me as to why he can't go etc, I know my dh would like to have every night out/ day on sun lounger but will do the right thing with a moany face angry
I am going to enjoy it with my kids, it's just a time in my relationship that I have fallen out of love a bit and I do want it to work. Sometimes I get annoyed putting so much effort in, doing things I don't want to do for his sake, I have to go now as the dc's are very excited smile I just need a kick up the butt!

BicBiro Mon 01-Apr-13 17:50:20

does he know how much hinges on his behaviour during this holiday? why have you fallen out of love with him?

Stellarella123 Mon 01-Apr-13 17:59:55

I don't knowhmm we don't have much time together as a couple, busy with the kids or at work, he is very selfish, I am very considerate, we are opposites, we have been together about 12 years, I don't feel we split caring for the kids or housework 50/50, I have realised I don't really like him most of the time, nothing major, it can be worked on, I know if we have time together I will remember why I love him, he has alot of good points too, but sometimes I can't see them, I'm sure it will pass,

Stellarella123 Mon 01-Apr-13 18:01:01

He knows how I feel, he knows I'm at breaking point

SnookyPooky Mon 01-Apr-13 18:06:17

Stella can you share the name of your hotel? You may not even be near to all the bars and clubs etc. The majority of the hard-core nightlife is aimed at the youth market and the main square where all of the action is based is very full on. Lots of RnB bars/clubs that are ridiculously expensive and overflowing with bar crawls, hens and stags etc. It is not like clubbing in the UK.

BerylStreep Mon 01-Apr-13 18:16:36

I can understand your point of view - I also hate that feeling of being herded into 'enjoying' myself and having to stick with the crowd. I had similar earlier in the year, where it was big drinking the whole trip, and I just couldn't keep up, and felt overwhelmed and DH acted like a teenager prat.

The thing is though, the more you worry about it now, the more anxious you will be and it will become an even bigger issue.

I don't think you can begrudge him a night out with the guys, even if he does have a hangover the next day, but it wouldn't be on if it was all week.

Someone said to me recently that time spent worrying about the future is energy spent worrying about something that hasn't even happened yet, and in fact might never happen. If you aren't looking forward to it, you could find that any tiny thing that goes wrong just serves to reinforce that you were right all along that it was going to be a rubbish holiday / waste of money / your relationship would end up on the rocks.

Perhaps try some positive thinking around this? Perhaps try to say to him how much you are looking forward to spending time as a family, rather than be seen to nag discuss your concerns? If you tell yourself you are looking forward to it, then you may end up feeling more positive about it. I think you also need to stop thinking about this in terms of the be all and end all of the state of your relationship - it's unfair on both of you to have your relationship hinging on this holiday. It's a couple of months before the holiday, could you spend the time between trying to reconnect with each other - I dunno - can you get out for a meal together, go for a walk together?

<wooo, Beryl goes all new age>

BerylStreep Mon 01-Apr-13 18:23:17

Reading your OP again, I think there is a good chance that you are going to come across to others as being very controlling about this. I totally get what you are saying - who wants to sit in a room all week on their own with the kids then have to deal with a hungover one the next day? - but I think you need to be clever in how you manage this.

For a start, I would stop discussing it with him, unless it is in positive terms.

BicBiro Mon 01-Apr-13 18:31:09

I disagree, if the DH is selfish in the relationship to the point of being take take take for his own pleasure, and cannot see the impact this is having on his relationship, then there's little point the OP giving even more so as not to appear controlling. he's an adult, if he knows his relationship is at stake then surely it's about him acknowledging this is the first family holiday for 3 years and that it has the potential to help them as a couple.

Stellarella123 Mon 01-Apr-13 18:56:42

Believe it or not I'm usually really positive, I defo think men are from another planet and I have given up with moaning/ trying to talk about it and have decided that iv said all I can say, so I'v been looking at days out and things to do and been really positive , showing him on Internet and he's very keen on the places we want to visit, I am looking at the gorgeous pictures of the resort online and thinking very positively since I started this post a few days ago ( when I was at my lowest) I AM going to have a ball regardless! But I do feel it will show me how dh really cares if he takes my feelings into consideration, I did think posting this may make me look controlling, but honestly my dh couldn't be controlled, I don't want to control him, want him to care about me and my feelings,

Stellarella123 Mon 01-Apr-13 18:59:59

Snooky- our hotel is at nissi bay, but others are talking of travelling to ayia napa for nights out.

Lavenderhoney Mon 01-Apr-13 19:01:00

Beryl has some good points there, but its not you stopping him going out with family if they keep asking him - its him not wanting to ruin the next day with the dc and you. Tell him to make sure he has packed his cinderalla shoes as home at midnight is a good rule.

His family do sound like they are gearing up for a beano. Can you plan a few afternoons with any members of his family who might be sympathetic to you before you go? Just to chat about it and you can say quite easily " don't forget we have the dc- they get up at 6 you know and it's full on! Me AND dh won't be able to party like you, big smile etc.

Ask them how they will work it, and remind people it's your first holiday for three years and you are expecting a bit of romance, so who will be babysitting? Even if its just for an hour every night so you and dh can have a drink and giggle together without worrying about dc. He might nt be so keen to go out without you.

BerylStreep Mon 01-Apr-13 19:11:24

Just to clarify, I'm not saying you are being controlling, just that you could end up being the one who is painted as being controlling.

Don't want to offend.

I agree, you sound much more positive now!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now