I feel like such an utter idiot. Last year my marriage was ending and I started a brief fling with a man in an open marriage - let's call him Somebody Else's DH (SEDH?!). I wasn't ready to jump into a proper relationship but really wanted, well, sex with a nice and trustworthy person who I liked. So it worked well. It was all totally open and above board - his wife was on the online dating site too to keep an eye on him, and checked out my profile and okayed him to go ahead. He came with some 'terms and conditions' that he was very clear about - not a long-term thing, nothing at the expense of his home life (eg we only met when he was staying away from home for work), safe sex, nothing in their home town or near his workplace, and no new kids. Wife would call him to say goodnight etc, knew exactly where he was and what he was doing etc.
To be honest I thought this all sounded very grown up and reasonable and I was impressed that they had such a loving and trusting relationship. We had our fling. It was great fun and I never felt funny about it at all. I knew SEDH had a fantastic relationship with his wife, and that they had several young DCs, and basically a great life. The only thing I feel mildly funny about is that SEDH isn't going to keep in touch with me afterwards, because that's part of his T&Cs, but at the same time I understand that this seems reasonable.
Fast forward to the end of it (four months on, I was feeling ready to be properly single and maybe meet somebody else who was properly single) and we are having a last shag. SEDH does something risky with the condom. I panic and freak out afterwards. SEDH then says some other slightly odd things the same evening that make me wonder if (a) he has become slightly inappropriately attached to me, and (b) that he was aware of the risk he has taken with the condom. Nevertheless, we say our goodbyes in the morning and proceed to our separate lives. I take a morning after pill just to be safe.
You know where this is going, right?
I don't think about it again until nine days later, when, on the train back from a work trip, I begin to feel distinctly queasy and ye olde F-cups are aching in a suspiciously pregnant kind of way. I get home and pee on a stick. It's positive. I'm pregnant.
I don't abort, although SEDH strongly urges me to. The back story here is that I had spent many years TTC in my marriage but had never been able to, including requisite sad MC story, and really can't bring myself to now I find myself finally "successful", if a positive pregnancy test can be called that under these deeply inappropriate circumstances. However, being pregnant does feel quite miraculous and rather right. I am excited about being a mum. I will cope with being a single mum.
SEDH doesn't tell his wife. He is terrified that she will leave him. Understandably in some ways, he doesn't want to risk losing or hurting his wonderful family. Fair enough, I think (though I'm not impressed - I thought they were such a lovely couple but clearly there is a trust issue lurking here!) but I say that if I was his wife I would be deeply unimpressed.
I have the 12-week scan and it seems more likely now that it's viable. I urge SEDH to tell his wife. He doesn't. Then the anomaly scan at 20 weeks. I urge SEDH to tell his wife - at this point I'm really quite upset about the whole situation, on my own part, but also on hers. He still doesn't tell her. Surely, the longer he leaves telling her, the more of a big betrayal it becomes and the more likely that it would wreck everything? I tell SEDH that I won't lie to a child about who their father is, and that at some point in the future it is quite likely to all come out. He seems to think this buys him a bit of time until his DCs are older and less vulnerable (the youngest is now a toddler).
I'm now in my third trimester. SEDH still hasn't told his DW that he's got another woman pregnant. He hasn't offered to support me in any way - in the meantime, I've been made redundant (total and utter shock) and have had to move back in with my parents. I am in two minds about whether I would want to pursue him for child support in any case, but under the circumstances if I did it would also mean his wife finds out everything and frankly at this stage I suspect she would (and perhaps should) seriously consider leaving him.
WHAT DO I DO?! I just don't know what the right thing is here. Leave it and abandon all contact and hope he behaves better towards his family in future? Continue contact, feeling guilty as it is behind his DW's back although there is now nothing going on between us, in the interests of having my as-yet-unborn DC have some vague contact with its father? Something else?
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
I'm the Other Woman, by accident (seriously). HELP.
AnonToSpareBlushes · 30/03/2013 09:06
Forget the man in this and do what you think is the right thing for you & your baby. What he does and who he tells and so forth is entirely his problem, not yours. If he wants to lie about the baby or maintaining contact etc. that's also his problem. (Although his DW must be stupid if she thought this wasn't a reasonable risk of her DH shagging around... 
) Of course he supports the baby financially.... he's probably not going to be around as Dear Old Dad in any meaningful sense so money is the next best thing
Congratulations and good luck.
This reply has been deleted
Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.
But you said he did something weird with the condom, what did he do?? did he take it off? because in that case 
and he should take responsability!
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.