Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

An email which must be written but not sent..

(10 Posts)
Amberz Sat 30-Mar-13 08:09:42

I would send the letter , same thing happened to my DD only she was young , it only got worse for her as she got older as she used to blame herself that her Dad
had left , never a Birthday card or Christmas present , he was a b**** to her , then she turn 18 wants to see him, it was so painful for her I blame him that she had to grow up so quickly , and got so upset by it all , I never remarried he really broke my heart and was so hurtful to my dear DD, he is now 60 and regrets it the idiot, too late my DD sees him not as her father but as an Uncle who she sometimes sees, he never earned her respect, the sad thing is she only wanted to be loved by her Dad , you are not alone so sorry for the pain for you and your DD.

akaWisey Sat 30-Mar-13 07:53:19

Yes, my DF will help, he'll do anything for his granddaughter smile.

akaWisey Sat 30-Mar-13 07:51:49

She got up for work and she's going straight back to the GF after spending most of the night on the phone, begging GF's forgiveness for committing the heinous crime of commenting on a (male school friends) FB page. She is more and more isolated.

She looked awful, and as I thought, she says she's ok and didn't want to talk to me. You're right izzy I'm too close emotionally but too far away geographically to be there right when she needs her DM. She isn't the DD she was, it's as if she's detached from the people who want to help and it's much more than the 'normal' individuation from someone her age.

I am very tempted to send the email, or a revised (cold light of day) version. But ex h would love it. He'd read the words as though they are an essay, mark them for punctuation and grammar, puff up his chest and get straight on the phone to DD for a damage limitation talk (in the guise of "Mum's worrying again").

I feel like I'm fire-fighting except there are two on the go sad.

Jaynebxl Sat 30-Mar-13 07:14:33

Terrible. Frankly in your shoes I'd send the letter. How dare he ruin her life like this?! Really hope she decides to stay home with you.

izzyizin Sat 30-Mar-13 01:30:09

Just a thought - maybe your pa could step in and say 'no' to the twunt for her?

If not, you'll have to step up to the plate - remember, 'no' is a complete sentence and no further explanation is required.

izzyizin Sat 30-Mar-13 01:26:50

You couldn't have fought him on this without alienating your dd as he'd already filled her head with how wonderful it was going be when she changed school/college to be near him. He did it deliberately; it was a calculated plan to spite you but she couldn't see it.

It may take some time before she realises what a thoroughly nasty piece of work he is and how she owes him nothing, but realise it she will and I tell ya, honey, I'm convinced your late great dm will make sure of it - encourage her to spend time with her grandad 'cos you're a tad too close for her comfort at the moment.

Chicken soup, fluffy blankets, and a huge Easter egg for your dd - and it's a wine for you, Wisey.

akaWisey Sat 30-Mar-13 01:11:49

Thank you for your kind words (and for being up so late to read my post).

Well there's no point in wasting precious energy in blaming myself for not trying harder to fight him on this so it's operation 'get my happy, confident smart-ass DD back' with me.

She is with me for Easter so long as I can keep her talking about the madness that is the EA relationship. Otherwise she will go back before term starts and I'll be a bit impotent to influence things. Her granddad has begun talking to her about alternatives after she confessed to him she wishes she was back here.

I can't yet find a way to loosen the psychological grip that her DF has on DD. That's what I am dealing with. She doesn't know her own mind and can't bring herself to say no (and that's where she's so vulnerable to the EA). Actually she's doing so poorly at college it wouldn't surprise me if they 'let her go' as she regularly doesn't go in and doesn't get her assignments done because her mind is so full of worry and upset. Last week she was admitted to A&E in the middle of the night with severe stomach pain. Of course they can't find anything physically wrong with her because it's her mental health which is suffering.

For this, I hate him. She is asleep now, she's working tomorrow but I'll find a way of trying to engage her when she's at home. My gut feeling is she'll want to avoid talking and she'll try and convince me that it's all ok now. But it so isn't ok.

izzyizin Sat 30-Mar-13 00:54:31

O jeez, Wisey. I was thinking about you the day and wondering how you and dd were faring.

Can you not pull her out of whatever 6th form shite he got her into, get her home with you, and get her enrolled for September in a decent college nearby so she can complete her studies?

Desperate times call for desperate measures. Your dd is feeling desperate and it's time for the wonderwoman that is you to swoop down, gather her up, and put 2 fingers up to that arrogant fucking twunt once and for all.

I reckon it's what your dm would have done - and I have no doubt she's prodding you to act now before he and his junior doppelganger dd's got herself embroiled with do more damage to her.

Or have you already got her home with you?

cq Sat 30-Mar-13 00:51:11

Wisey, that is so sad.

Have no words to make it better, but wanted you to know that someone's listening.

You and your poor daughter must be emotionally wrung-out tonight.

I hope you both get some sleep, and that getting all that down in writing has been cathartic for you.

Keep writing - even if for your eyes only - it's a very healing process.

akaWisey Sat 30-Mar-13 00:39:42

Hello ex h

Our DD has been inconsolable tonight. For the first time since your sordid (second) affair came to light two years ago she has finally cracked and it has all come pouring out. She has been wanting to die on and off since you left. she feels that way now more than ever because she has become embroiled in what can only be described as an emotionally abusive relationship. Not with a man, however, as what you did has affected how she feels about all men (her words).

Since you so cleverly and cunningly manipulated her into leaving home to go to a college far away from me, her DB's and her granddad, she feels she has lost the life long friendships she had since childhood, she lost you, her grandmother, her home (in order to fund this expensive but now, it seems, hated 6th form education she's doing very poorly in) and most importantly her self esteem has hit rock bottom. She hates herself. She feels indebted to you and can't bring herself to tell you that she now hates the education she once loved and achieved in, doesn't want to go to the uni which you have already planned on getting her into via your 'connections' - she doesn't want to go to uni at all any more. She knows you have lost interest in her since you managed to prise her away from her home and family, she feels abandoned each time you fail to keep your promise to ferry her to and from college.

And thank you, by the way, for finally choosing to confess to her that I wasn't imagining the affair. Your timing of that wasn't so good, though, was it? The day after her grandmother died? How any grown man can think that such a confession will help a 17 year old deal with her grief is beyond me, especially given your highly paid job as a MH 'professional'.

The thing is, ex h, I no longer care about what you did to me as your then DW. But I care very much that our DD is so disturbed she can't function properly and even the therapy she had has failed to help her - in part because you refused to attend so that we could reach some kind of resolution for her sake. This is the first email I have felt compelled to write to you in a long time, I thought I had no words left to say. But you haven't got off scot free by a long chalk and I hold you responsible for our DD's state of mind right now.

Having said all of that, neither DD nor I want your intervention. If you live to be a hundred you will never compensate (financially or otherwise) for your selfish, ego driven, deceitful and hateful treatment of your family.

And by the way. A message to your 'soul-mate'. You are quite wrong to have labelled me as 'weak'. You are forgetting that it is you who chose to take up with a man who could do all of the above and much, much more rather than be with someone who is capable and demonstrates love and respect for others.

Sleep well, both of you.

Wisey.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now