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I Think I destroyed my marriage.

(112 Posts)
SomuchHurt Fri 29-Mar-13 21:01:50

I have namechanged for this.

Early in our relationship my DH and I drew up a bucket list of things that we would do, or consider doing together. One of the things on that list was that I was curious about experimenting with another woman. We were both a little unsure if this was a good idea and we never followed it up together. I however ended up having an affair with another woman a while after this. I never spoke of the affair afterwards.

Move forward another 12 years and DH found the list in a drawer and we were looking through it together and having a few drinks. DH points to the part of the list that mentions another woman and asks if I remember that one. In my drunken stupidity I blurted out that I didn't need to think about that one as I had already done that. DH looks shocked and asks when exactly I had done anything with another woman and it all came out about the affair. DH is gutted and says he will never be able to look at me the same again, and that I have destroyed any and all trust we had. I have tried to talk to him and apologize but he is just so angry with me. He says that if I had wanted to go with someone else I should have just left him then before we had children. I tried to reason with him and explain that it was different and just experimenting, but he says that I'm still a cheat and he wont forgive that. He also said that he feels I robbed him of being able to experience that as a couple together and also robbed him of our marriage.

I need help to fix this because I just don't know what to say to him now. He is still the love of my life and the only one I want to be with. But I have hurt him so badly and don't want to lose him.

fedupofnamechanging Sun 07-Apr-13 12:07:42

I'm really sorry it's panning out this way, OP. I hope he has q change of heart. Best wishes x

Morloth Sun 07-Apr-13 08:05:08

I think you are right and that it is over.

That is fair enough on his part IMO not only did you cheat on him you lied to him for 12 years. Now he has to question every word and every action over that time and it is probably doing his head in.

I have no doubt whatsoever that DH would be the same if I cheated.

I guess all you can do now is make sure the children are reassured that they are still safe and loved and learn to co-parent with him.

One day he might be able to forgive you which woukd be good for him, but I doubt he will ever trust you which again is fair enough.

I hope you can get through this OK and your kids come out of it OK as well.

TDada Sun 07-Apr-13 07:52:43

Have you discussed being friends with your DH? Continue to show understanding/empathy with his position. I am really hoping tat time, understanding and love with heal your relationship even if it changes. I couldn't lose a good DW in this situation. But each person is diff and it is his values and feelings that matter here.

TDada Sun 07-Apr-13 07:45:11

OP knows that she has done wrong and she is genuinely trying to repair her family's life. Please offer her some more warmth.

mynewpassion Sun 07-Apr-13 07:21:12

One last thing, this will be a bit harsh. Don't be that ex who will put obstacles and unnecessary unpleasantness to the ex-partner when they move on to a new relationship. You had your chance and you blew it. Let him find happiness again and let yourself find it too. Don't use your children to score points against each other.

mynewpassion Sun 07-Apr-13 06:48:18

It sounds to me like your husband has strong convictions and infidelity is a deal breaker for him. Sometimes, people with these strong convictions, it doesn't take much thinking to a make the decision to end the marriage or a relationship. Why continue living with someone you can't even look them with respect or trust? The children deserves better.

While I do feel sorry for you, OP, most of my sympathies lay with your children and your DH. You were and are still selfish. Even in the midst of your betrayal, your husband is treating you with great care and putting the children first. Please do the same in turn for him.

KoPo Sat 06-Apr-13 13:24:24

So you actually cheated on them both?

Says a lot about you and your values to me.

SomuchHurt Sat 06-Apr-13 09:39:51

DH and myself have sat down and talked. He says that there can be no trust between us now and that he feels that other things have gone on in the last 12 years. He is deeply suspicious of the few times I have not come home from a night out. He has said he could possibly have forgiven the affair if I had been honest back then. But the fact that I kept it from him for so long while judging other peoples infidelity very strongly, and on a couple of occasions accused him of cheating. He days he can't get past that.

We have told the children together yesterday. They asked why and I told them a simple version of the truth, and that it meant that mummy and daddy were not going to live together anymore. DH has made a solicitors appointment for us both so that we can sort out signing the other property over.

In response to the speculation about DH's motives and behavior in all of this. While it would be easy to try and lay some of the blame at his feet it would be unfair. No I am not having to look at him in a different light, except for the fact that I am most likely loosing him. I can say for certain that I don't believe he was looking for a way out. He looks dreadful and mutual friends say he is not eating or sleeping right. And once and for all he is not using the children as a weapon

To the poster that pm'd me the question about weather the OW knew I was married the answer is no.

The awful truth is my DH was and is a very good kind man. He is also a man who does not believe that adultery is tolerable or retrievable.

KoPo Fri 05-Apr-13 10:58:15

Now this is a new one on me. Lets look at creating things that a cheated on partner has done wrong cos he ended it pretty sharp. This has got to be one of the most glaringly obvious cases of anti male bias I have seen.

It really does have a "he's a man he must be bad somehow" feel to it.

I have NEVER seen a woman even face a mention of "did you want out already cos you just ended it" or "are you sure you were a nice DW" or "my instinct tell me you were not so good".

So far the OP has barely mentioned her children apart from saying that her husband offered to put a second property into solely her name so the would both have a home and place for the children. But somehow that translated to him taking the piss??

kittybiscuits Fri 05-Apr-13 10:36:25

Thinking of you OP. Your 'friend' is an arse. I find myself wondering what might have been going on under the surface of our marriage - both your 'inadvertant' telling (not suggesting you did it on purpose) and your H's very definite decision that it's over. Long-past infedility is a tricky one. It generally leaves the innocent party in a real dilemma, especially if the relationship is a good one. I know there is no shortage of Mumsnetters who say 'if I ever found out that would be the end of the relationship', but it's not that straightforward for a lot of people. I'm with JayceeBee on this in terms of instinct. Of course he is shocked and needs space. But can he really just end it without any consideration of what might be possible? I really feel for you, and your children are your children - if he is taking definite steps, then you need to ensure proper contact with your children. You are still very much their Mum. That should not change because of a trangression on your part. x

CajaDeLaMemoria Fri 05-Apr-13 09:44:46

I hope that nobody believes that I am judging. I was not, and am not.

These things happen and it was not for me to judge, or anyone but those directly involved.

I was more concerned with the way the OP is behaving. The way she told her husband, and then didn't seem to understand the severity, and had a very egocentric response
And then her friend reacted the same.

I wonder if it is the way that OP is portraying herself. If it's the same as on here, it could be worth speaking to your GP, or seeing a therapist.

I hope you are getting on okay, OP.

StrangeDays Fri 05-Apr-13 09:40:11

stRange

And that's not a reflection on her choice of partner

StrangeDays Fri 05-Apr-13 09:39:37

In the light of this thread, stange urges should surely be kept to oneself?

I dont think it was very relevant though. FrauM just said she was overcome by an "urge" to quote this.

meditrina Fri 05-Apr-13 09:13:05

Has OP said whether she is Christian? Because of course, if she is, then she will know adultery is condemned (no 'get out' clause based on sex of affair partner) and the non-straying partner is allowed to walk away from the marriage (not encouraged to judge the person, but not required to remain living with them either). That might not be the most helpful thing to reflect on right now.

OP: have you heard any more from him? Do you know what sort of RL support he is seeking, and where his thinking is now?

I feel the urge to point out that the Bible does not actually say that a woman should not lie with a woman, it does not make it right, though.

FrauMoose Thu 04-Apr-13 11:51:46

I feel the urge to get Biblical. Matthew Chapter 7. (The language is a bit blokey.)

1 Judge not, that ye be not judged.
2 For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. Mk. 4.24
3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
4 Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?
5 Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye.

BoringTheBuilder Thu 04-Apr-13 11:33:16

Agree Karma
But I think the husband should be allowed a period of dating around to really make sure he wants to take the OP back.
He might find that it's better for him being single or with a new partner
Or he might realise that he can forgive and try again.

fedupofnamechanging Thu 04-Apr-13 09:34:30

I am not sure there is anything to be gained in confessing to an historic affair. If it is over and you are sorry and have never cheated again, then spilling your guts doesn't benefit the spouse in any way. The time to have told him was 12 years ago or not at all, imo.

I too think you have fallen into the trap of thinking because it was with another woman that it wasn't so bad. My dh says it would be worse for him, because it would mean there is a part of you that he could never satisfy.

The cavalier way you just threw this info at your dh would be devastating. It is sad that only now you are beginning to comprehend what you have done.

I do find myself feeling sorry for you, because you are not a serial cheater and haven't been lying every day for 12 years - for you this was over and regretted.

I hope that your dh forgives you.

KoPo Wed 03-Apr-13 23:09:13

OP

Try reading this thread for some insight into your husbands feelings

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1722750-This-doesnt-look-good-does-it?pg=1

JaceyBee Wed 03-Apr-13 18:43:51

Alright, jeez! Just making a suggestion. My speculation is as good as yours or anyone else's, we're all only doing just that.

LordLurkin Wed 03-Apr-13 12:02:07

KoPo here on DH's account as I couldnt be bothers to log in on my own.

OP - I am also a bit confused by the reaction of your friend, the only things I can think of are.

1 - She is a mutual friend and is vey worried about you husband and is angry over things.

2 - She has gone through a similar thing of being cheated on recently and is still feeling raw over it and you have triggered a lot of deep anger and pain.

I would second the advice to find a therapist to talk to because you really dont seem to get it all yet and that is damned frightening.

JaceyBee - Just how is her husband supposed to react? He is feeling a massive amount of emotional pain here and is trying to do his best for the children. He is quite possibly being detached about things because it just hurts too damn much to try and process it all right now.

StrangeDays Wed 03-Apr-13 11:46:36

Re your friend. My guess is that she has been cheated on herself and that's why she reacted so strongly.

For some people, knowing that someone has been a cheat (and that's such a trivial word for such a huge thing) will affect the way they view that person and their moral compass. It's an abhorrant thing to do to another person and that's difficult to understand completely if it's never happened to you.

Also, once you see behind the factors that enable someone to behave in that way, the patterns fall into place and you can see it in other aspects of their behaviour. You get to see that person more clearly - and it isn't always a pretty sight.

I wouldn't be rushing to judge the friend tbh.

FrauMoose Wed 03-Apr-13 11:43:34

I think people are expressing very strong views, that don't make allowances for the fact that we all let ourselves down.

I think heterosexual marriage is about love, forgiveness of one another's imperfections and the joint responsibility for bringing up of any children in a loving and secure environment. It is about companionship and about family.

An ongoing sexual relationship with another person makes all these things very hard to achieve. But although it must be very painful to learn about a partner's past relationship - one that took place during the marriage - this is in the past. I think the situation of living with a serial adulterer, someone who just can't/won't 'do' monogamy is very different.

I think this is a test of the relationship. Okay the husband is having to revise his opinion of the wife. But maybe the original poster is also now seeing her husband in a different - and rather difficult - light.

OP - You have a lot of thinking to do. About your self, your marriage and how you have treated your husband the last 12 years. Maybe he has sensed a lack of respect, or a superiority from your part, and you blurting out the affair gave him a massive light-bulb moment. What else have been going on in your marriage? Your lives?

How did you rationalize your actions? Do you work? Were you bored? Not in love with your husband any more?

Did you at any time the last 12 years feel any remorse at how you had betrayed your husband?

Or is it just now that you feel sorry for yourself that you are hurting?

In your posts I sense no real hurt on his behalf from you, not for your children who are experiencing the upheaval of their parents splitting. You only seem to feel sorry for yourself! Are you usually this entitled and egocentric?

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